DH won't drive

[Lokilo]

My DH isn't able to drive and doesn't want to learn. I end up doing all the driving, UK holidays etc which on the whole I have come to accept (after 27 years) but as we get older makes me more uneasy. The insurance at his time in life as a new driver would probably be astronomical. Should I just let it go once and for all?

If you hate driving so much OP, then do it less! In the real world it's very common to not have a car, I read an article yesterday that said only 29% of people in my town own a car.
I'm the opposite of a lot of people on this thread in that I find men who cling to their car desperately all the time like a safety blanket and can't go anywhere without it pathetic (obviously not including people with disabilities and people who truly live where there's no public transport in this).

Little boys don't need to drive if Mummy has driven them everywhere for 27 years.

It needs to be included as part of the 'household chore' hours.

So, however your split is, include this.

For example if one of you spent half an hour on laundry, and one spends half an hour driving you both somewhere- evens.

Honestly, while I'm deeply sympathetic.... this ship has sailed. After 27 years he's not going to change. So either you suck it, refuse to do the driving or leave him because him learning is very very unlikely.

I admit that I wouldn't have been impressed with this. Short of a genuine medical reason (and the person with the medical reason compensating in other ways) or possibly a long-term commitment to living in a major city, I can't see a situation where I'd be okay with this. We don't exactly live in the sticks but if only one of us could drive the other one would be dumped with a LOT of additional work/effort. Resentment would have kicked in much much earlier.

What a nightmare. After 27 years of being driven around he has no incentive to change.

Thanks everyone for taking time to respond. I didn't include important details like ... on the plus side we live in London, he walks and gets public transport most of the time, he is very active around the house and certainly takes his share of chores. There is a 50:50 split of labour and responsibility in other ways. On the downside, there have been moments when I was badly let down by his non-driving and we have split up once, with this as a factor. I know I don't help as I have become resigned over the years. He has a fear of it rather than laziness. Hence my tolerance. He had lessons when I was pregnant but badly lost his nerve - I think he's terrified of killing someone. I guess what I'm saying is it's a complex issue.

I don't drive as I have terrible anxiety around it, the result of a drink driving parent. I saw a counsellor who said that driving phobia seems to be very common among children of alcoholics. Could that be something that your DH witnessed?

My husband is fine with my not driving, of course he wishes it could be different for me but we live in Zone 6 and both use public transport where possible. If it's an awkward location and he can't give me a lift then I get an Uber. I factor that expense into the household budget in the same way someone would factor in fuel/tax/payments. We also walk a lot.

If DH doesn't wish to drive then it's no issue, we often get taxis to airports and we have even done a 2 week holiday in California using ubers and public transport, it's totally doable. If he were to threaten to leave me over me not driving then I would be pretty offended.

As part of a bigger picture where both parties make an effort then is it such a big deal?

My ex refused to drive despite having a license

So

He couldnt do the school run
Couldnt take kids to extra curricular
Couldn’t do the shopping
Would sit next to me on long drives snoring his head off ( then complain about being tired)

With him it turned out to be part of a pattern of wider controlling / abusive behaviour but obviously not all non drivers are like that.

Maybe he is anxious about driving, op?
At least these days the shopping can be done online
Perhaps choose holidays where no driving is required ... get taxis etc and get him to book them so he’s more involved.
Maybe use buses more too ?

He has a fear of it rather than laziness.

Ah... ok. That makes a difference.

I think you have to accept that he is never doing to drive. So you need to adapt your holidays to include less driving for you. If it's only holidays that are the issue, is it really that big a deal?

If you're in London, it's easy enough to get public transport to any of the airports, get a cab to the hotel the other end and job done. Just don't expect to stay in a remote chalet or whatever.

I think being genuinely fearful is key information to put in a post.
Some people are not cut out to drive - they have traits which would make them unsafe on the road and it's better to accept that and not push them into it. If they say they don't feel they could be a decent driver then they are being responsible to everyone else in the road and that should be respected.
There are already too many people out there driving who really shouldn't be allowed in charge of a moving lump of metal.

I am your DH - eye issues mean I have a lack of depth perception (you should see me try and push a pushchair when the cover is on so I cant see the front) and having tried and realised the extent of what the lack of depth perception means has given me a fear as well.

It is something I really wished I didnt have (my Dad is the same) because it is difficult and embarrassing sometimes to not only be reliant on DH, my Mum and friends to drive or take public transport but also be incapable of doing something that seems so simple to everyone else.

It isnt easy and I would change it if I could - of course I would because it would make MY life easier as much as it would DH.

So why exactly do you have an issue with it - so much you were badly let down if it is a genuine fear and he has tried.

DH accepts this is part of being with me (just like I accept other things as does he) I dont understand given the situation why you seem to think you can change it?