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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner messaging woman, shared my pic with her

85 replies

Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 10:57

Found out that partner had been messaging a woman he's met through work a lot (by met I mean messaging & calls, it doesn't seem.like they've met in person).

There's lots of mundane, even day stuff in the texting, alongside flirtation, but in the last couple of days it became increasingly sexual.

He asked whether she'd ever had a threesome (in the context of her saying she'd worked in a certain environment with lots of good looking young women when she was a lot younger), she said no, but he escalated that to talking about a threesome involving me, then sent her a pic of me. He'd told her i was gorgeous, and she said that wasn't really high praise given he says she's gorgeous etc. and she's not. He sent the pic and said "see, do you trust my judgement to call a woman pretty" etc.

She asked him what my opinion of a threesome was, and he answered "haven't got that far yet".

We're together nearly 20 years, 2 kids.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 18/04/2022 10:59

What did he say when you talked to him about this?

Skelligsfeathers · 18/04/2022 11:00

This would be a marriage ender for me.

Movingonup22 · 18/04/2022 11:02

Grim

Bubbleteaaaaa · 18/04/2022 11:03

Jesus f Christ. Game over without a doubt.

Given that you're reading his messages, this can't be out of the blue.

WildOnce · 18/04/2022 11:03

I’m so sorry how sordid, Game over for me. If he doesn’t have your permission to initiate a threesome then he’s just cheating on you surely? You and your kids deserve more.

Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 11:05

@DropYourSword

What did he say when you talked to him about this?
Haven't yet, in shock.
OP posts:
Indoctro · 18/04/2022 11:12

Oh dear that's not good, I would be very angry and not sure how I'd handle this though

I can understand why you are in shock

HeDidWhattt · 18/04/2022 11:18

Men are stupid. People fantasise about threesomes but they very rarely live up to reality anyway, his a fool.

How do you feel about it? Is it something that interest you or not? Has he actually thought of the consequences of opening a relationship?? It never normally ends well for the guy.

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary? If so, say so, and act on it.

me4real · 18/04/2022 11:18

Ugh! If that happened to me, I like to think he would be an ex-partner.

It's one thing if a couple have decided between them to have a threesome, but you haven't.

MarshmallowSwede · 18/04/2022 11:22

He’s not worried about a sexual harassment claim against him?

Thjs is inappropriate and I would have his bags packed and locks changed if my husband did this. He’s basically trying to get this woman on board for an orgy and then he will work on you later I guess.

I would tell my husband to pack his things and get the fuck out!

larkstar · 18/04/2022 11:25

Read no further - everything you need to hear has been said by @HeDidWhattt

Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 11:31

He’s not worried about a sexual harassment claim against him?

I'd say she was flirting abd then being sexual equally, until he did that when she seemed to panic and started saying things like she felt shitty and bad, how had they gotten into this etc. (He responded with lots of "what is this nonsense, what is this about" question marks etc.

OP posts:
usernamealreadytaken · 18/04/2022 11:33

I would probably consider leaving DH for this, but not before I'd sidled up to him, asked if he fancied a threesome and then presented him with a photo of my choice of man to join us. I'm so sorry OP, it's a horrible situation for you to be in x

Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 11:36

He's self employed, in any case

OP posts:
Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 11:38

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Most people here seem to think so.

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 18/04/2022 11:43

Absolutely overstepping a boundary OP, he’s exchanging sexual messages with another woman, then the threesome talk and bringing you into it without your knowledge takes it to an even further level of disrespect for me. I couldn’t forgive it personally, but this is your relationship. How do you feel? What do you want to do about it?

Soupercat · 18/04/2022 11:44

@Wtf2022

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Most people here seem to think so.

Irrelevant. What do you think. Why are you talking about HR if he’s self employed? 🤔
stripeyflowers · 18/04/2022 11:47

I just think it's very disrespectful to you, as a person, as his wife. Not only is he flirting with another woman and testing the waters for a threesome, he's sending her your photo to prove he's got good taste and then also intimating that you may be up for it so he's working up to asking you about it.

When she asks what you think about it that seems to me she's trying to snap him back to reality and stop this dialogue, either because she was never interested or she's realised the flirting has gone too far and is moving into the real world as far as he's concerned and she wants to put a stop to it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/04/2022 11:47

@Wtf2022

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Most people here seem to think so.

Of course it is!

He's had sexual conversations with another woman, discussed having sex with the two of you together (without your permission) and shared a photo of you with her.

But you don't need someone to tell you it's ok to feel this is a dealbreaker - if you feel it is, it is. You get to make the rules when it comes to dealbreakers, there is no set list of them.

Some people would leave a partner if they started smoking, for example. Or started spouting conspiracy theories. I would leave someone for those things. Some would say they'd do the same, some would say they think it's OTT to leave for them.

Neither is right or wrong, we simply get to set our own boundaries and if they are broken we are free to end the relationship.

In your case I personally absolutely would end the relationship.

AnyFucker · 18/04/2022 11:49

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Is that a serious question ?

happydivorcee · 18/04/2022 11:50

Ugh. My ex husband did this - I found so many messages to various women claiming that I was bisexual and thought they were “hot” etc. It was his creepy way of hitting on them by using some fictitious version of me Sad I understand the shock and sick feeling of reading the messages, it’s truly horrible. It’s been over a decade since I read them and I can still vividly recall that feeling. Take care of yourself.

Hausa · 18/04/2022 12:02

If you were having sexual conversations with another man and propositioning him for a threesome, how do you think your partner would react?

LaingsAcidTab · 18/04/2022 12:07

Raise the bar you're setting. If you're not sure where that bar should be, then counselling or therapy will help.

Alightjacket · 18/04/2022 12:08

@Wtf2022

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Most people here seem to think so.

10000% this is overstepping and cheating. He would shag her in a minute if she suggested it. Sorry to say that. I would 100% leave my marriage over this kind of thing.
Sofacouchboredom · 18/04/2022 12:12

@Wtf2022

Do you feel like this is cheating or overstepping a boundary?

Most people here seem to think so.

You shouldn’t even have to ask this.

He’s wilfully chasing another woman, he’s breaking down the walls of your marriage and inviting her in, and sharing private pictures of you with her. He has no right to share your picture. It’s abhorrent!

It seems she’s the one who is realising he’s crossed a nasty boundary with her back tracking!

You are worth more than this. You deserve more love and respect than he’s giving you. I’m so sorry I know you’re in shock. Self care then deal with him.

Flowers