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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner messaging woman, shared my pic with her

85 replies

Wtf2022 · 18/04/2022 10:57

Found out that partner had been messaging a woman he's met through work a lot (by met I mean messaging & calls, it doesn't seem.like they've met in person).

There's lots of mundane, even day stuff in the texting, alongside flirtation, but in the last couple of days it became increasingly sexual.

He asked whether she'd ever had a threesome (in the context of her saying she'd worked in a certain environment with lots of good looking young women when she was a lot younger), she said no, but he escalated that to talking about a threesome involving me, then sent her a pic of me. He'd told her i was gorgeous, and she said that wasn't really high praise given he says she's gorgeous etc. and she's not. He sent the pic and said "see, do you trust my judgement to call a woman pretty" etc.

She asked him what my opinion of a threesome was, and he answered "haven't got that far yet".

We're together nearly 20 years, 2 kids.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2022 13:32

@Wtf2022

Not married by the way.

Not that it makes much difference, but everybody keeps saying marriage.

Well, it does make a difference if (when) you split

MardyOldGoth · 18/04/2022 13:33

I can't get my head around this. How did it get as far as the threesome conversation? He's been flirting with an OW and telling her about your sex life. The fuck? He wouldn't have needed a threesome conversation if he were my DP, I'd make it easy for him and let them have a twosome! The disrespect he's shown you is outrageous! I'd bet any money that he's been treating you like shit for years.

Seraphinesupport · 18/04/2022 13:37

I would be disgusted and yes id dump my husband if he was so openly flirting with another woman. we have both communicated our boundaries and things such as obviously flirting or sexual talk has always been a big no no for us

Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 13:38

I think it's wise you have not told him yet good move OP. Gather your thoughts... what a shock 20 years together. Have you and you OH spoke about a threesome before OP??

What I find really shocking is the way he's discussing YOUR personal business so freely. To be honest I would calmly call the lady and explain to her how long you have been together and you didn't give permission for your sex life to be disclosed.

Get yourself to a GUM clinic.... the clearly isn't the first time. Sorry OP

SpilltheTea · 18/04/2022 13:58

I'd kick him out immediately. Gross.

NeverChange · 18/04/2022 14:01

At the most basic, he is discussing what you are like in bed with another women. This alone would have me leaving.

He then compounds that be sending her your picture and talking threesomes. I would run quicker than Usain Bolt to get away from him.

He has no respect for you. You need to have more for yourself.

Countdownis35 · 18/04/2022 14:22

@NeverChange

At the most basic, he is discussing what you are like in bed with another women. This alone would have me leaving.

He then compounds that be sending her your picture and talking threesomes. I would run quicker than Usain Bolt to get away from him.

He has no respect for you. You need to have more for yourself.

Alright. Give OP chance. There's no point being hasty! She's entitled to be in shock! 20 years is a long time FGS. No need to be kicking OP whilst she is down. She hasn't stated she isn't leaving.

NeverChange · 18/04/2022 15:10

@Countdownis35. Where I did I kick the OP?

I simply stated how quickly I would run from this situation of it were me.

I'm entitled to my opinion every much as you are.

Marvellousmadness · 18/04/2022 15:10

He is not leaving you for her op.but he is no longer satisfied with just you.
Midlifd crisis perhaps
But this relationship is over.

NotaCoolMum · 18/04/2022 15:18

Why are you being so passive about this @Wtf2022?!

He’s a goddam disgrace to men and the fact he’s essentially volunteering you for a threesome without your consent is absolutely revolting.

If I were you, I’d print out “the article” he sent her, along with copies of their messages and tell him he’s going to have to look for someone else to be in their threesome as it certainly won’t be you.

HE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 15:20

Don't disagree with what anyone's saying but if he wants to leave me for her, why is he suggesting a threesome ... wouldn't that make her think he's not leaving, or not going to leave.

He literally said that the relationship has broken down and he’s only with you because of the children and as soon as they’re old enough he’s going to leave.

Most women will not have sex with a man whilst he’s in a relationship.

So they often say things like we’re broken up but still live together ‘for the kids sake’ but we don’t have sex.

In your situation he’s implying the relationship is over but you’re still happy to have a threesome.
It would then move on to you allowing him to have sex with other women as you’re not together and you’ve stopped having sex.

He’s slowly making her guard go down.

He’d probably happily have an affair for a while so he can have the best of both worlds.

My friend was with a man who was broken up with his partner but they still lived together and she met his family, went on holiday together, had special occasions together etc and then she found out the entire time he was very much with this women, had got married and had another child together.

Many men try and find something better without the risk of giving up what they’ve got.
If they can do both they will but they usually get found out and stay with the OW.

I would get an STI check asap as I if he acts like this with this women he’s obviously done it before in the past.

I can guarantee if she texts him saying ok come over tonight he will.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 15:23

Definitely take a photo of all the messages as I’m surprised he’s stupid enough to leave them on his phone and he’ll probably delete them soon.

Also no one is trying to kick you when you’re down.
We know this is a horrible situation but we just don’t want you getting even more hurt.

He’s treating you like absolute shit.

Bubbleteaaaaa · 18/04/2022 15:26

[quote NeverChange]@Countdownis35. Where I did I kick the OP?

I simply stated how quickly I would run from this situation of it were me.

I'm entitled to my opinion every much as you are.[/quote]
It's not helpful though. OP has kids with this man,and isn't married so assets are complicated. She doesn't need to 'run' to god knows where, she's not 8. She needs to get all her paperwork together and kick him out. And then be prepared for all the fall out.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2022 15:36

it sounds like your relationship is not the best, with you snooping on his phone, and him getting carried away with kind of sex talk to another woman. It seems like quite a common occurence between lots of couples these days...

Soupercat · 18/04/2022 15:46

Now I want to know what the technique is

Beautiful3 · 18/04/2022 15:51

Eew your husbands a creep, harassing an employee and asking about threesomes. I feel very sorry for you. You need to talk to him and nip this outrageous behaviour in the bud!

JustaMirage · 18/04/2022 15:53

Disgusting and degrading to you.

WonderfulYou · 18/04/2022 15:58

NeverChange hasn’t said anything worse than what everyone else has said.

OP is being treated disgustingly and they have agreed with that.

PlainJaneEyre · 18/04/2022 15:59

@Wtf2022

Read through previous messages.

He's told her I don't like oral but he does it on me (true), she'd said she wouldn't be giving oral to someone who doesn't also give it, she's praised him for being a man who does it.
He's also raised a sexual technique he uses, that he originally read about in an article, she asked for the name etc and he sent it .... he's actually said, about rhe threesome "she could give you oral, while I do (the technique he mentioned".

He's also said at one point he thinks our relationship will break down sooner or later, but kids etc. are an issue.

He is revolting! He has no respect for you. Dirty bastard.

MadMadMadamMim · 18/04/2022 16:05

I mean, he's just so utterly revolting that if he were mine his bags would already be outside the door.

How can you bear to even look at him? He's disgusting.

Get some self respect and tell him the relationship is over.

2Gen · 18/04/2022 16:12

I'm so sorry OP, no wonder you're in shock, this is the sort of thing that makes you feel sick!
You have to split up with this dirty creep, he has no respect for you and what's more, what he's done is a form of infidelity! You can't trust him.
If he is saying he'll leave once the DC are a certain age, he's either a filthy, manipulative liar trying to lure that woman in, or he already has one foot mentally out of the door of your relationship. Either way, it's vile and he needs to be got rid of like the vermin he is.
Can you take the kids to your mum's or a friends for a few days to get your head together and plan? Try and get some space to think and build up your emotional strength. All the very best OP. You're worth so much more than this!

HaggisBurger · 18/04/2022 16:20

@Wtf2022 what prompted you to start reading his messages? For what it’s worth - yes that’s cheating in my book. The fact that he’s discussing threesome fantasies with her is neither here nor there.

Dealwithit · 18/04/2022 16:37

I would reply to her message and say xs wife here. Sorry but I won’t be joining you. No offence to you but I don’t want to sleep with my husband of 20 years after finding out he’s a cheating scum bag exchanging inappropriate messages with someone else. If you want him he’s all yours but my two children and so are out of this family. And then I’d screen shot all the messages and forward them to myself. I wouldn’t say a word to him

I’d just pack my bags and take the kids and me off to stay elsewhere. I’d let him discover my messages all

By himself.

mehumumu · 18/04/2022 16:41

Op have you ever said you would be interested in a threesome. He's either trying to set this up you are involved it's not cheating or as she knows he's attached. Ideally this is all just a fantasy, but it's you that needs to decide if this is a deal breaker. Especially as he says he plans to leave in future.

NaTTate · 18/04/2022 16:53

Urgh, this is horrible, he really is behaving in a grim and inexcusable way. OP, have you been able to screenshot /save the messages? It sounds as though you have ongoing access to his device at the moment, which I'm sure will change if/when you bring this issue up. Definitely get copies of everything if you can. (Even if it's just photographing with your phone and emailing them to yourself).

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