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Original poster

what is this 'we need a bigger house for just the 2 of us' about?

71 replies

Sashasayssorry · 17/04/2022 19:44

I am starting a new thread as I am curious of your opinion - why would anyone who is mortgage free or nearly mortgage free want a bigger (than 4 bed or as big as) house for just the 2 of us and take mortgage to achieve it?
Surely it is not sensible. My partner talks retirement/ mortgage free one sentence and mortgage for bigger house in another sentence.
Pulling assess where I am mortgage free and he will be in 4 years. Why not enjoy being mortgage free? He has 2 adult children I am childfree.
We are not married. He wants to marry. I am ambivalent.
I am the only child with good security from my parents. I have a good career. My worry is if I invest all I have now and what I will have in the future into a mortgaged house it may all go to his kids and I will be left with nothing.
Am I being unreasonable or unfair to have these fears?

OP posts:
Moochio · 17/04/2022 19:45

Sort out the paperwork and it should be fine

DockOTheBay · 17/04/2022 19:49

Why would you need 4 or more bedrooms for one couple? Totally unnecessary and yes I would rather be mortgage free in a small(er) house which would be plenty big enough for two.

In terms of marriage, you can set up a pre-nup or write your will to ensure that your contributions are ring-fenced and wouldn't be inherited by his kids. It might be easier to just remain unmarried.

IncompleteSenten · 17/04/2022 19:50

Don't marry him if you don't want to.
When it comes to housing, you should tell him that if you buy together it will be - I think it's tenants in common but I may be wrong - and that you will have a will leaving your half to (well, who do you want to leave your assets to)

If he thinks that's sensible then great. You know that he just wants to be married to you and share a home.
If he gets cross or snotty then you know he's after your assets either for himself or with an eye on them going to his kids.

Blanca87 · 17/04/2022 19:53

But from your other thread he sounds like a twat? The advice was keep financially independent and don’t pump your money into his vanity dream.

CorsicaDreaming · 17/04/2022 20:35

Does he want a bigger house so his children (and possibly future grandchildren) can come and stay for visits?

This seems reasonable to me (as would you to reasonably decline to be asked to partially fund that from your money).

Weenurse · 18/04/2022 01:27

From your other thread, he wants what he wants, but he wants you to work to provide it while he retires.
Don’t do this

HebeJeeby · 18/04/2022 11:40

OP I read your other thread too. There is about 10 years between you (you’re 40s he’s 50s) and he wants to marry you and retire. I’m sorry but I think he sees you as someone who can fund his retirement and buy him the big status house he wants. He’s not bothered about having a mortgage as he’ll have retired and you will be working to pay it off. OP please do not join finances with this man. You are correct that if he dies first his children will want their inheritance. I know you can protect your half of the house in law but do you really want to have to sell your home to pay his children their half of the house? He’s thinking of himself first, second and last here I’m afraid. Sorry but you must do the same for you.

2DogsOnMySofa · 18/04/2022 11:43

I'm with you op, I'd rather have a smaller house and be mortgage free. As long as the house suits your needs and you don't have kids sharing bedrooms when they don't have to, I don't see why you would upgrade. Unless it's for investment purposes, buy a bigger house then downgrade when you retire.

My mum died early, she only managed a few years of retirement. My dad now constantly tells us to enjoy life now, save for the future but don't destroy the present for your future. Retirement isn't about money, it's about being able to do what you want to do.

As pp have said, don't marry and he can then get himself into debt if he wants to without dragging you down too

Original poster
Sashasayssorry · 18/04/2022 11:45

@HebeJeeby true, I’m digesting all that the girls are saying. I’m not very familiar with all the mortgage vs retirement debacle but you made me realise that of course if we marry, I work, he retires, he enjoys status ego house whilst I pay for it for another 25y and then if he dies first I will have to sell it to give his children inheritance. What’s in it for me where I don’t even want a big house in a first place!

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 18/04/2022 11:49

Don't do it op. I can only imagine how much freedom being mortgage free would give you. Why would you want to take on another mortgage for a bigger house you don't want or need?

Original poster
Sashasayssorry · 18/04/2022 11:51

Girls I think I am not only awake now but worked up. In a good way! Senses been sharpened.
Question:
When all these discussions come up about:

  • I’m not commuted enough as I don’t want to put my money into his big house
  • I don’t want to build future together
  • we need big house before trying for a baby
  • I need better job before I conceive
  • he doesn’t want to be the running horse whilst I stay home with the baby (why not? He did for other 2 kids)
  • retirement, garden, cutting grass, garage, loved being around kids when they were little etc

I need some bullet point contra arguments so I can respond sharp to all he says. I find myself deflated most of the times as if he is not listening to what I have been repeating for months/ years.
X

OP posts:
Original poster
Sashasayssorry · 18/04/2022 11:53

@AnneElliott exactly, I don’t want it nor need it. He wants it and he says if I put my money into it I truly show my commitment to this relationship.
😶🥴

OP posts:
Templeblossom · 18/04/2022 11:56

@Weenurse

From your other thread, he wants what he wants, but he wants you to work to provide it while he retires. Don’t do this
This! Going on your other thread, hes using you for financial gain. Doyou actually know that hes almost paid his mortgage off -I bet he hasnt and he sounds resentful that you have. I bet he hasnt and wants you to give up your mortgage free property and go in with him to help finance a bigger one.

DO NOT DO THIS!

Templeblossom · 18/04/2022 11:58

need some bullet point contra arguments so I can respond sharp to all he says. I find myself deflated most of the times as if he is not listening to what I have been repeating for months/ years.

All you need to say is
" its over"
Stop trying to get him to change his mind -he wont.

Acheyknees · 18/04/2022 11:58

From your other thread I wonder if the idea of a bigger house is just another 'hurdle' you have to jump to have a child. There always seems to be something you have to do before conceiving, you get a new job, you visit doctor, he visits doctor and gets reversal, you buy a big house.......
When I met my DP at 35, I told him if he didn't want children we had no future. In 2 years we had sold my house, I moved, we did up his house to sell then bought a house together. We didn't just talk about it we just did it.

Moancup · 18/04/2022 11:59

The issue of conception is a major drip feed!
I find it very odd that a man in his 50s can be thinking about retirement and starting again with babies. The two aren’t compatible.

Do you want a child with him? Are you still young enough that you have a reasonable chance of that happening?

Popetthetreehugger · 18/04/2022 12:04

For the love of god , NO !!!! You have no need to answer any questions from this freeloader . Please have your baby , don’t sign up to finance his retirement at cost of your dreams . There is not one advantage to you . You will lose no mater what you sign before .

Templeblossom · 18/04/2022 12:05

@Moancup

The issue of conception is a major drip feed! I find it very odd that a man in his 50s can be thinking about retirement and starting again with babies. The two aren’t compatible.

Do you want a child with him? Are you still young enough that you have a reasonable chance of that happening?

From the other thread, hes had a vasectomy. So would need a reversal. Hes stringing her along to gain financially. Op is mid 40s Unless she leaves and does IUI then there isnt going to be a baby.
TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2022 12:10

I haven’t read the other threads so I suspect I would answer differently if so but it could be someone wants somewhere bigger to live for their retirement hobbies - eg an art studio - or they want a bigger garden or living space, or they like they idea of a house that is easier to get around so they can stay living there for longer. Maybe they want room for extended family to visit or they have retirement plans that require more space.

Being mortgage free at an early age is great for some people and not a priority at all for others.

Mellowyellow222 · 18/04/2022 12:14

I am a similar age to you. Just bought a lovely house, financially secure, good career.

I am child free due more to circumstance than choice but don’t feel any loss and at mid forties I feel I am now too old - it’s hard bloody work!!

I would be very careful being financially entangled with anyone now - would need to really trust them and be 100% sure. As for having a baby with someone this requires a higher level of trust and commitment.

The size of house is a red herring - the issue is you don’t trust him - don’t seem to be that committed. Why throw a hand grenade into your life unless it’s all consuming g live?

Mellowyellow222 · 18/04/2022 12:16

It’s just me and I have four bedrooms. One office, one dressing room, one guest room and my room. I am extending. Downstairs for extra living space. It’s just me.

I can see wanting a bigger house if I had a partner who had kids regularly visiting. But it’s not about the house size - it’s about the less than ideal partner

Orgasmagorical · 18/04/2022 12:19

Am I being unreasonable or unfair to have these fears?

Listen to your instinct, it's more honest than he'll ever be.

burnoutbabe · 18/04/2022 12:19

Personally I I'd love to go from 2 bed for 2 of us to a 4 bed. Can still be a flat.

Bedroom for us
Study /den each
Spair room purely for guests/bed up if feel ill can't sleep.

Rooms 2-4 can all be small. And a big storage area for hoovers and boxes (it's a flat so no loft so storage an issue)

Mortgage also paid off and both enjoying not having to work right now (I am doing a masters) but if we moved out of London we'd go for a bigger place I think. Even if we are happy to spend most time together in our lounge.

HebeJeeby · 18/04/2022 12:20

OP, you could have a list of bullet point replies as long as your arm and worked on by some of the finest minds in the country. He won’t listen. He wants a house in the country to retire in and enjoy with his children and grandchildren. He does NOT want another baby. A pp is right, he is stringing you along, the odds against you getting pregnant now are reduced due to your age and he has to have a vasectomy reversal too. Has he shown commitment to you by going to the Drs to look into this, book an appointment? I suspect not. He is being nasty and manipulative giving you a set of hoops to jump through which all require some sort of action from you and for you to make the sacrifices needed to make the relationship work. So basically, when you’ve bought him his house he’ll think about a baby will he? Sorry but I don’t think he will and I think you know he won’t too.
If you want a child you need to think about doing it alone - you will be anyway in this relationship only you’ll have sacrificed your financial security in order to do so. Sorry but I think this relationship has run it’s course.

Belkell · 18/04/2022 12:21

Mate, all your instincts are screaming NO!

and you know damn well why. Don’t ignore them.