what is this 'we need a bigger house for just the 2 of us' about?

[Sashasayssorry]

I am starting a new thread as I am curious of your opinion - why would anyone who is mortgage free or nearly mortgage free want a bigger (than 4 bed or as big as) house for just the 2 of us and take mortgage to achieve it?
Surely it is not sensible. My partner talks retirement/ mortgage free one sentence and mortgage for bigger house in another sentence.
Pulling assess where I am mortgage free and he will be in 4 years. Why not enjoy being mortgage free? He has 2 adult children I am childfree.
We are not married. He wants to marry. I am ambivalent.
I am the only child with good security from my parents. I have a good career. My worry is if I invest all I have now and what I will have in the future into a mortgaged house it may all go to his kids and I will be left with nothing.
Am I being unreasonable or unfair to have these fears?

Hes nasty that you are mortgage free
He cant afford a car, uses yours and plans to buy a fancy car when you sell your house and you buy together.
He yells if you mention a baby.
He doesnt buy you birthday gifts.
He wants you to fund his retirement dream.

I would place bets that hes not financially stable.

I think he had to pay out to his ex wife and he is angry, bitter and jealous.
In some twisted way he wants another woman to pay and feels entitled to do this to you as " pay back"
Protect yourself and leave this relationship before he bleeds you dry.

I’m curious to know OP whether it is the man you care about or staying in the relationship to make up for sunken costs? Do you actually like/love/care about him or are you just conscious of the ticking clock and afraid it will be too late to find someone else if it ends?

I also agree with everything @Templeblossom says above

@ProudThrilledHappy I love I care but I feel too much pressure with all the house comes first. A lot of fear too of course. I am alone otherwise no family around. It is v difficult position to be, something I need to face.

@Templeblossom he buys me gifts he is very generous with that I can not complain - it was his children that don't buy us gifts. I love all the family gatherings, celebrations but they seem not to celebrate at all.

Not read all the answers but I gleaned from your other thread and this one that he is only after your money. Do not do it.

Your question about whether to buy a bigger house with him is a red herring. It is a decoy.

The REAL questions you need to ask yourself is as @Heartoverheadheadoverheart states:

How badly on a scale of 1-10 do you want this relationship?
How badly on a scale of 1-10 do you want a baby?
What impact is all of this having on you?

Then ask yourself what you think he would say to these questions. Are your ratings the same as his? Honestly?

From everything you have written, it sounds as if he does not want a baby at all - but he does want a relationship with you. But it sounds as if he doesn't treat you well or cherish you - dismissing your wants, arguing, no effort made on your birthday, no encouragement to develop a close relationship between his dc and dgc and you.

If he genuinely wanted a baby with you, there would be actions and you would both have done something tangible years ago. Instead, you are now trying to think of counterarguments to thet another of his hoop/hurdle is is asking you to jump through .

If you were happy in your relationship without a baby you would not have posted here in the first place.
If you honestly thought he was committed to having a baby you would not have posted here in the first place.

It sounds that you are shocked, angry, upset, ashamed and guilty with the realisation he has lied and deceived you and not been honest about wanting a baby. I think this is the real issue you need to come to terms with.

Two threads on this stupid man, oh my god. What do you actually want to hear op?

Oh I know. I think you should actually do as he says. Buy a bigger house, sell yours and his, but don't get married. Probably put it only in his name too so his children are protected for inheritance. Then keep having sex with him hoping you'll get pregnant while knowing he still hasn't had his vasectomy reversed. Oh and to top it off, change your job to a different, non self employed one because he doesn't like that either.

Or you could listen to people and give up on this tosser rather than keep pondering about it?

As someone above mentioned, the economy is insecure. We may be at the top of a curve for largish rural properties, interest rates are extremely likely to rise soon, and mortgage lenders are demanding more stringent condtions. With one of you retired, another self employed, I’d be surprised if they gave you anything less than a very minimum mortgage - many lenders won’t include rental income. So how is the huge deposit cone about. I presume he’s assuming he’ll sell his house, you put in an equal sum by selling your property, and he puts the remainder of his not huge equity into an annuity or worse, investments at a probable time of recession. Then maybe you pay the mortgage interest as you’re the one working. Not great even if one assumes his motives are retiring to the country with his loving, working wife. From what you’ve written without an annuity or wild investments but with a posh new car, which he’ll need as an isolated pensioner or else you’ll be driving him everywhere.

Thinking about it, this may be why he wants you to give up your relatively lucrative and happy freelance business- a salary would count for a mortgage, freelance work is much, much harder to get a mortgage with, although still possible I believe at bearable rates.

He's looking for a nurse with a purse and to lock you into his life.

He is working feverishly to tie you to him.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

He has been playing you.

I hope the excellent replies have woken you up, because you are walking into an absolute clusterfxxk of a disaster if you tie yourself financially to him or otherwise.

Does he really have this other 4 bedroom house? Have you seen it?
I had to ask because you just never know.

Nurse with a purse pretty much sums it up tbh.

He wants you to wipe his arse and wank him off into his old age, and pay through the nose for the privilege.

Yeah. No.

He moved in with you after his divorce , after the marital home was sold, having never lived independently, relying on you to house him and fund him from the beginning, lying to you about future children and watching you fake family life with his grown up kids who don't want it with you. Convenient for him. He's cruel, using you, he has purposefully run your fertility into the ground to a point where its probably too late for you, with lies, for 6 years. Your kids you never had with a decent man you could've met could be at school by now, he knows exactly what he is doing. He has taken that away from you. What if its too late for you now, hugely likely, can you live with the man who has done this on.purpose to you?

Get your head out of of your arse, stop over analysing everything as if you are in a healthy, sustainable relationship (you aren't) and leave him, he isn't a good man. He is going to abuse and control you financially like he has emotionally. Open your eyes and grow up, say no to him, because he is using you. That's not love.

I’m not committed enough as I don’t want to put my money into his big house

• I am not interested in a larger house. This is a separate issue from commitment

I don’t want to build future together

• I did, but as you are not listening to me about what I think is important*

we need big house before trying for a baby

• this is not true, and I'm not going to count babies before they're hatched. There will be plenty of time and opportunities to alight housing to need once that need exists

I need better job before I conceive

• does this mean you longer want to TTC, I need a straight answer

he doesn’t want to be the running horse whilst I stay home with the baby

• why not, you did for your other DC

I need some bullet point contra arguments so I can respond sharp to all he says. I find myself deflated most of the times as if he is not listening to what I have been repeating for months

• You haven't taken on board any of what I have been saying for months. I'm out.

Get rid of him, keep your house, keep your job, have ivf and get a nanny if that is in your financial scope. All that would be cheaper than getting a big mortgage and tying yourself to supporting him AND HIS CHILDREN through old age. I'm not being glib, he sounds like he'd be a useless selfish parent to your child/ren, he's certainly a useless selfish partner to you!

You feel you are banging your head against a brick wall because you are coming at this from your own point of view, he isn’t. He has completely different needs and motivations.

He is wanting to wind down, have a comfier life but he currently cannot do this alone, he didn’t prepare. He needs you to provide this for him.

I think you said in an earlier post that he wants to be in the garden, garage etc. Where is the cleaning, washing, baby groups, etc in his plan?

Time is moving on with every day you spend trying to understand him.

Instead of planning and saving for his retirement 20/30 years ago He is planning for his retirement now - it is you. The problem he has is that you want a baby. He knows if he can drag this out you don’t get your baby but he gets his retirement.

It is fine for you to tell him This doesn’t work for me, it’s over. Ignore his pleas, his need for explanations. He will start future faking. As I said on your previous thread - sperm donor whilst single is your quickest option. You are in a good position, why are you even considering buying with him? What’s in this for you?

Dump him and tell him to move out of your house.

He has eye on your parents’ house too.

I need some bullet point contra arguments so I can respond sharp to all he says. I find myself deflated most of the times as if he is not listening to what I have been repeating for months/ years.

What you need is to acknowledge that him not listening is an answer in itself. He's not interested in what works for you and there are no magic words that'll make him interested in anything other than himself. Selfish people never make good partners. Look at all the hard work this relationship is for you, all the headspace it takes up, all the fighting your corner you're having to do, when you don't even live together. This stage should be when it's easy! If he's like this now he'll be ten times worse when you're financially shackled to him, once he thinks he's "caught" you he'll make even less efforts with the relationship and will care less about whether you're happy with how things are, because he knows that once you're in this situation you'll start seeing the sunk costs and feeling you have to try harder to make it work before giving up and walking away, due to it being messy to untangle yourselves. You're halfway there already with that mindset and you don't even live together yet. This now is him at his best, when he knows you could walk away with nothing to sort out other than your bruised heart. This is his best and it's absolutely shit.

@Templeblossom he buys me gifts he is very generous with that I can not complain - it was his children that don't buy us gifts. I love all the family gatherings, celebrations but they seem not to

Whether he buys you presents or not is the least important part of templeblossom post but the only bit you've responded to

Sorry about my last post I was under the impression you lived separately. Have you ever seen/been inside his house to be certain it exits and seen evidence it belongs to him? He's going to buy a car when you sell your house but can't afford a car now? So he's going to buy a car out of the money from your house sale then? Even if it's the money from his house sale if he even has a house that's still money that won't be going into the new house, so there'll be extra mortgage for the car amount and it's you who'll be paying the mortgage. So basically you may as well go out and buy him a flash expensive car then because that's what his plan amounts to. He's using you. You're staying out of fear of being alone. Thing is you'll be alone emotionally if you stay with him, which is infinitely worse and far more soul destroying. Better to be actually alone than have your needs and wants ignored and neglected in a relationship.

I would ask him to sit down and discuss finances and how you both see things developing in the future.
would he be planning on being a SAHP if he retires?
I would not buy a house or marry him if I was in your position.

In your position I would be going with a sperm donation to have a child and only dating men my own age from now on.

All this drama!

I also would be dumping him, staying in my own mortgage free house, keeping the job I live and sorting a sperm donor.

he offers you nothing that you actually want in your life and wishing to live off your back. If you want the rest of your life to be alone in this relationship and funding your cocklodger then carry on as you are, but go into it with open eyes of how it will be…no baby; big house with mortgage you’re paying for; job you hate; user of a partner…need I go on?