what is this 'we need a bigger house for just the 2 of us' about?

[Sashasayssorry]

I am starting a new thread as I am curious of your opinion - why would anyone who is mortgage free or nearly mortgage free want a bigger (than 4 bed or as big as) house for just the 2 of us and take mortgage to achieve it?
Surely it is not sensible. My partner talks retirement/ mortgage free one sentence and mortgage for bigger house in another sentence.
Pulling assess where I am mortgage free and he will be in 4 years. Why not enjoy being mortgage free? He has 2 adult children I am childfree.
We are not married. He wants to marry. I am ambivalent.
I am the only child with good security from my parents. I have a good career. My worry is if I invest all I have now and what I will have in the future into a mortgaged house it may all go to his kids and I will be left with nothing.
Am I being unreasonable or unfair to have these fears?

I’m single and I’ve been vaguely looking at 4 bedroom houses as ‘forever homes’. I want space for an office. I want to be able to unbox my books and have a reading room. I want a garden with some privacy. I want to not hear the neighbours all the time (not unreasonably noisy, just always there), I want a garage. Basically, I want the 4 bed detached lifestyle rather than the small flat I have now.

The difference is, these are dreams for the future. I intend to become mortgage free on my current property (in the next couple of years) and then spend several years putting the mortgage money into a savings account. I will then look at moving to a less expensive area so if I do need a mortgage, it will be a small one. I’m also not looking for anyone else to fund what I want. Any mortgage will be for my benefit not someone else’s.

I expect he's thinking ahead to grandchildren. People forget that two adult children can lead to a lot of grandchildren. We live in a 4 bed house but can't house adult children plus grandchildren. A 2 bed would be far too small.

@Sashasayssorry

Girls I think I am not only awake now but worked up. In a good way! Senses been sharpened. Question: When all these discussions come up about:

• I’m not commuted enough as I don’t want to put my money into his big house
• I don’t want to build future together
• we need big house before trying for a baby
• I need better job before I conceive
• he doesn’t want to be the running horse whilst I stay home with the baby (why not? He did for other 2 kids)
• retirement, garden, cutting grass, garage, loved being around kids when they were little etc

I need some bullet point contra arguments so I can respond sharp to all he says. I find myself deflated most of the times as if he is not listening to what I have been repeating for months/ years.
X

1. Debt isn't the only way to prove commitment to someone and it doesn't improve a relationship.
2. Baby is very unlikely and therefore irrelevant to this discussion. You can revisit this discussion if a baby is conceived.
3. The future is very uncertain- with Brexit and COVID, interest rates could soon skyrocket. He's the one not thinking of the future.

I don't understand what the last bullet point means.

Retirement and have a baby doesn’t really go together..

OP, trust your gut.

Your gut is telling you NO ! STOP ! I DON'T WANT THIS !

And HE'S busy saying ''You don't love me if you don't do this !''
''You need to SHOW me how committed you are !''
''You need to get a, b AND c before we could even THINK about having a baby !'' (i.e It'll NEVER happen, because he'll just make up new 'hurdles' if you accomplish the ones he's put in the way already !)

From your last thread, you said he has had a vasectomy, wanted you to pay for the reversal (not guaranteed to work), and that he already has grand children. He does not want more DCs, really, does he? Just wants you to work to pay for his house and be shagging him all the time in an attempt to get pregnant.
You were told it sounded crap yesterday. Why are you asking again but leaving out this crucial info? It still sounds crap.
So, to answer all the points you say 'yes, no, I've had second thoughts and this is not for me. Ta-ra'

@gonnascreamsoon yes! Yes! Yes! That’s how I feel! You verbalised it for me.
I’m almost scared and ashamed that I feel this.

@CorsicaDreaming

Does he want a bigger house so his children (and possibly future grandchildren) can come and stay for visits?

This seems reasonable to me (as would you to reasonably decline to be asked to partially fund that from your money).

Cheaper just to rent out a holiday cottage for the occasions where all children visit though? Unless they are thinking of moving in. Presumably some red flags here for OP though so tread carefully.

OP - creating another thread and leaving out your ages, your want for a baby and his refusal to reverse his vasectomy are major parts of your dilemma.

You’re desperately looking for different answers when the truth has already slapped you in the face.

The man doesn’t want any more children and wants to use you for financial gain to obtain a bigger house. Just be done with him and move onto someone else. Use a sperm bank or whatever to get pregnant ASAP, if that’s what you really want. You appeared to have come to this realisation last night on your other thread as you then started asking about IVF options. PP advised you that you had left it too late to be considered for IVF options via the NHS and that you would have to go private.

Crikey OP are you still weighing up whether to get a big house or not? The real question surely is whether to end the relationship or not, and that hinges on whether you want a child or not.

If you want a child you wont get it with him. As the other replies are telling you, if he wanted a child with you he would be proving it with HIS actions (reversing his vasectomy). Instead he is putting all sorts of barriers and checkpoints in your way.

Sounds like you are his retirement cash cow.

He wants a big house so his DC can stay and to accommodate his future GC.

@YoComoManzanas good point tbh, children have their own lives now. I tried to bring everyone together over dinners with children and their partners, Sunday lunches, Birthdays but after few of those celebrations I realised that I am putting all the work in, coming up with thoughtful personalised gifts, cakes, balloons, home cooked food and when there is my birthday I have never received a gift or flowers from the kids neither does my partner get a gift. To me it is v strange and rude. Mind you everyone is an adult here.
When I mentioned it to partner it did not go down well.

I almost feel the big house needs to be there in case babies will return or for the babies late life, certainly not for me and our child.

There is no future in this relationship for you. You want kids, he doesn't want them and can't have them anyway. He wants your money to fund his retirement and big house, but doesn't want you to have any security. Just run.

OK, counter arguements ?

Him ; We need a bigger house before we can have a baby.
You ; No, we don't, we only need a 2 bed house. I can move in here with you and I can rent my house out, that way we'll have MORE income and LESS expenditure !

Him; You need to get a better job before we have a baby.
You ; No, getting a new job would mean I had LESS job security and fewer rights until I'd been there over 2 years ! Staying where I am means I have BETTER job security and probably better maternity pay and conditions too ! I'd also be too old to try to conceive in another 2-3 years, so moving jobs is off the table !

Him; You need to show me you're committed to our future by buying a bigger house for us.
You ; You think that the only way I can prove my 'commitment' to our relationship is by throwing money at you ?? I AM showing I'm committed to our relationship by saying I want us to have a BABY together !

Him; We're not ready for a baby yet.
You ; So YOU think I should be tits deep in increased mortgage debt but without a home to call my OWN, living in a massive house I don't want, working in a new job with LESS job security and financially 'responsible' for YOU, before you MIGHT agree to having a baby ??

Him; I want to retire.
You ; I know, THAT'S why it makes sense for us to move into YOUR house together NOW, and have a baby straight away ! It'll be SO great to be able to go back to work after my maternity leave knowing that YOU are at home running the house and looking after the baby ! It's a weight off my mind, because I'd NEVER want a stranger looking after our child !

Also, if he's had a vasectomy in the past as a PP said, then tell him you've booked him in for a reversal. Say 'I know you really need me to SHOW you how 'committed I am to our relationship, so I've decided that I'd get the ball rolling on starting 'our' family !'

Or instead of all those convoluted arguments you could just say "I don't want to. I don't need to. I'm not going to".

The trouble is my lovely I think you are only wanting answers to these questions to deflect away from you accepting the truth. It is easy for us to tell you but it's understandable that you are struggling because you are the one in it.

Everything you are wanting answers to you don't actually need.

Try and picture yourself looking at yourself from a different perspective. What does your gut tell you. Get that clear, stick to it and do something about it before it is too late. Take care and don't think too much just go with it and trust yourself.

Do you just want another set of answers, this second is going to give the same good advise as the first.

I am going to try to say this nicely but it will probably come across a bit blunt.

He is stringing you along with a series of promises to run down your fertility because he does not want another child. He wants to retire and for you to pay for it so he doesn't have to have the drop in lifestyle that comes with retiring early. All these worries you have about not having a baby and all your resources going to his children are totally reasonable worries because that is exactly what he intends and he is hoping you are thick enough to not notice. Does this make him sound like the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with?

I think the best thing you can do is dump the guy, work out what YOU want from your own life, and go about getting it asap. Sooner rather than later ideally as if you want a baby you may well already be out of time but you sure as hell will be if you wait.

@gonnascreamsoon from reading all of the comments and crying I bursted laughing at yours! you are a genius! I know I am annoying but it only been 24h since I arrived on mums net. you are a great community. you yourself are lovely x thank you big hug

I read all you say. You have been brilliant blunt, gentle all very helpful.

That whole retirement thing - I am just thinking out loud now - surely if you want to have nice car, holidays etc (promises?) and you are retiring at say 60 your pension will be depleting quicker right? Plus it how attractive is it for a early 40s to be with a guy that has retired. I will be returning home to - as someone said earlier - slippers and bird songs. I do not want that. I adore men that are energetic, proud of their achievements, have wide interests, passionate about what they do. I am passionate about what I do. Let's be passionate together.
I love nature bird songs and relaxation but we have all the time in the world.

What shook me here since yesterday is the fact that yes, whilst he retires I will be still working and paying for the house as obviously he will have to be careful with dosing his pension.
Even thinking about it makes me resentful.

Imagine - I put all my money in and no baby on the way and in 3 or 4 years I hear "I am retiring' erm what??? At that point I am left with nothing.
Banging my own head right this minute. Ladies you have been brilliant.

May I ask, how badly kn a scale of 1-10 do you want this relationship?

How badly on a scale of 1-10 do you want this relationship?

What impact is all of this having on you?

What is the main emotion holding you back from having the life you actually want? Fear? Is it worth ruining the whole of your life because you are scared?

You don't have to tell everyone the answers on here. Just have a think, and try not to take too long about it. You can do this and you deserve the life you want.

*the second question is supposed to be on a scale of 1-10 do you want a baby?

@Sashasayssorry

If I was your friend, I’d say:

‘Sasha Hun, I know it’s hard. You’ve been naive and feel silly. He’s lied to you and wasted most of your fertile years…but, you’ve still got time to have a baby if…just leave and go and do it Hun…’

I had my last DC at 39. It’s possible.

Good luck 🍀x

Maybe just ask instead why anyone would want to tie the woman they claim to love to a much bigger house that will put her back in debt instead of mortgage free?

You are mortgage free and financially secure. Why on earth would you risk this by getting married?? I wouldn’t. In your shoes I would only marry someone who was working/contributing the same as me, and only then if you were planning or expecting a baby.

@lampan that's where my head is. baby's arrival says all.