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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP. Someone I don't want back in my life.

71 replies

doyle · 22/11/2004 13:19

Don't want to give too many details but someone from my past has just sent me a very short, friendly email asking me if I could return something that belongs to him. I emailed back very briefly, saying to email me his address, hoping that would be the end of it. Now I get an email asking how I am, and would I like to go for coffee? (No address given.) I KNEW this would happen - he always starts off innocuously and ends up trying to see me again when I made it VERY clear in the past that I did NOT want to see him or have contact with him EVER AGAIN. I need to get him out of my life again QUICKLY, but I can't afford to make him angry. He can be very obsessive and scary.

If I reply to the email, he'll reply to that and we'll get into a correspondence that I DO NOT WANT. If I don't reply, I'm in danger of angering him and letting myself in for a barrage of emails, texts - even phonecalls to the house.

This is all part of an episode of my life that happened when I was very vulnerable and hence very stupid. I deeply regret it and it will NEVER happen again.

Please try not to judge. Help please.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:23

I think I need to return the thing that belongs to him, so that he has no excuse to contact me again? Maybe email and say "Probably best if you send me your address. I'm fine but very busy." (All the correspondence has been in these kind of polite, bland terms so far.) What do you think?

OP posts:
alicatsg · 22/11/2004 13:23

Don't reply to anything - people like this want a response because that means they're in control. Tell people that you're screening your calls for a reason and will call them back if you don't pick up and don't feel bad about it. If it persists call the police.

Good luck. Here's hoping he gets bored of it quickly.

Twiglett · 22/11/2004 13:23

don't reply .. block his number from your phone .. ignore him

or send a curt reply just saying

No I do not wish to resume contact, but I will return xx if you provide address

Sincerely

xx

then ignore anything else that isn't his address

HTH

pixiefish · 22/11/2004 13:27

doyle- I had something similar with xp before I met dh.
He was round here at all hours of the day and night, phoning me up and generally hassling me. He used to get really angry if I didn't open the door and I was scared of him. I'm sorry to have to say this but you are going to have to be brave here. I had to contact the police who went round to his and had a chat with him- basically they warned him off. Prior to that I had tried every route known to man- parents, friends, being nice, being cross etc etc.
The police thing worked though because they told him that i would take things further and get an order against him. You can't be nice with this sort of harrassment (which is what it is).

First off I'd reply saying that you don't want coffee thank you but if he gives you his address then you will send him whatever he wants back otherwise you've moved on and don't want to enter into anything with him. If that fails then log/keep copies of emails, texts and phone calls and then contact the police.

The other alternative is to change your phone number etc but that may make him turn upo at the house.

Do you have a dp now?

zephyrcat · 22/11/2004 13:27

One I have used before is to pretend that you aren't you. I had someone bugging me for a while so I wrote an email saying 'Hi this is (mans name) *** has had to pop out and asked me to check her emails. I will forward your message.

I made it sound quite off-ish - almost like a warning not to email my mrs!! It worked, I never heard from him again once he 'thought' I had moved on and my 'partner' knew he was emailing me

It is a horrid thing to deal with though. The other advice is right - be short with him, get an address, send it then ignore everything.

CountessDracula · 22/11/2004 13:28

Does he live locally? Just email him back saying that he can pick it up at xx post office. Send it poste restante to the post office. End of story.

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:35

Thanks everyone. Hadnt thought of the poste restante thing.

Please don't judge or try to change my mind on this but yes, I do have a dp now and he doesnt know about this guy. That's one of the MANY reasons I don't want any further contact from him. But it also means I can't really go down the police route or anything like that - and I wouldnt have any grounds to so far anyway.

I think I need to be polite but ultra FIRM. Not sure how easy this is.

OP posts:
popsycal · 22/11/2004 13:37

email and say
please send me your address and i will send you XXX

thanks

popsycal · 22/11/2004 13:38

those XXX were what eer the item is btw...
re read and it looked different....

good luck

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:39

OK, have emailed and asked for his address. If I don't get it I'll send the thing poste-restante (brilliant idea CD, thank you).

OP posts:
pixiefish · 22/11/2004 13:40

doyle- i thought that was a reason perhaps- it often is. The only thing is that this bloke will have you over a barrell if you don't want your dp to know about it- I know it's hard and I'm not judging you but please be careful that you don't find yourself in a position where you're so scared of dp finding out that you end up in a corner IYKWIM.

The police could do it confidentially and off the record if you asked them I'm sure.

Good Luck- No one's judging you remember that

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:42

Thanks pixiefish

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 22/11/2004 13:42

Great suggestion CD. I'd give it a week for him to respond then do the poste-restante thing, just sending him the post office address and then I'd block his email addy from your account.

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:43

Oh sh*t, he's replied: "Very terse, XXX. I am sorry to have troubled you." He's angry. But he has given his address.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:46

I really don't want him angry. I bet this won't be the last I hear from him. And I'm not sure about blocking his email because if he knows he's not getting through that way he might try the phone.

Yes I am over a barrel. I guess that's the price you pay for being incredibly stupid.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 22/11/2004 13:47

FWIW, I think I'd try my hardest to honest with DP. It sounds like it'll be tough for you initially but assuming that it was all pre-DP then there is little he could feel affronted by.

I agree 100% that not telling your DP will give this other guy the upper hand. What if your DP found out that this guy was contacting you etc ? It might then be quite difficult to persuade him that it was all innocent and that you were actively trying to discourage this man's attention. That may sound a bit extreme, but there is a danger of this happening if this man continues to persue you.

I really don't think anyone is judging you.

Twiglett · 22/11/2004 13:47

don't read into it .. he's getting the message is all .. you have his address now which is all you need and you can ignore everything else

Momof2 · 22/11/2004 13:49

Doyle, I would get it sent straight away without a note or anything and then delete him out of your emails.
Would say to DP tonight - "Some idiot X has asked me to send him back this XXX" so that DP knows and then X doesn't have any hold over you with regard to - did you tell your DP about me? (Answer can then be, Yes and he thought you were a w**ker too!)

NomDePlume · 22/11/2004 13:50

You say that when 'whatever' happened with this man, you were very vulnerable. I don't think that makes you 'stupid' particularly, just taken advantage of. I really think you need to post this item off and have a word with your DP, is he (DP) likely to understand what happened in your past if you can get across how very vulnerable you were at the time ?

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:53

NDP, I'm afraid it was not pre-dp and that's why I can't say anything. That's also why I'm afraid of being judged. I was very stupid and believe me I am thoroughly ashamed of what I did. I was at a very vulnerable stage of my life but that is no excuse. It will not happen again. In the meantime I need to protect DS, my current relationship and the SANE, normal life that I have now.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 22/11/2004 13:54

I must say that I agree, if this man is a wrong'un as he sounds then he will keep dipping back into your life and worrying you. The best thing to do would be to get it all out in the open with your dp if that is possible. No doubt you have considered this already and discounted it - maybe you should have a rethink

CountessDracula · 22/11/2004 13:55

Ahhh I see. Sorry didn't realise that.

Well all you can do is try and block him out of your life. Don't antagonise him, but just make it clear that you aren't interested. Try not to show him how scared you are of your relationsip being revealed or he will play on that by the sounds of things.

What does he want? More of you or just to wind you up do you think?

Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:56

It's not an option CD.

Please don't all beat me up now that you know just how stupid and wrong I've been. I do enough of that to myself on a daily basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
doyle · 22/11/2004 13:56

More of me, definitely.

OP posts:
pixiefish · 22/11/2004 13:56

stuff happens doyle- you won't be judged here. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone... and all that malarkey.... Stop worrying about being judged on here and let's concentrate on a way out for you

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