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Original poster

How can we deal with this vile woman?

75 replies

Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 10:18

Hi ladies

Just like the title says. Really looking for some advice.

My brother (who I'm close to) has an ex wife. They split up 7 years ago and she now has a new partner. They have 3 young kids.He is supposed to have his kids every second weekend.

She torments and harrssses him all the time. Examples:

  • he gives her more maintenance that's she's due as he wants his kids to have a good standard of living but it's never enough for her. She runs out of money really quickly (she's terrible with cash) and then calls him constantly demanding more. If he doesn't give her what she wants she withholds then kids from him as punishment. She often calls him up to 30 times a day harressing him for money.
  • whenever he calls his kids she forces them to put their phones on loudspeaker so she can monitor their calls.
  • he no longer sees his oldest daughter who is 13 and his ex has admitted on more than one occasion that she'd turned her against him. This child is never let out of her sight and is controlled and monitored all the time.
  • yesterday we all (my daughter and her 2 cousins) had a day out planned. My brothers ex called demanding that we send one of the girls to her friends house instead. We refused to do it as we'd already booked and paid for the day. Her daughters day was ruined as she knew she'd get into big trouble for not obeying her mother. His ex then sent my brother a text (he showed me it) calling me a cow and said that we were shagging each other!!
  • her kids are frightened of her and are punished if they don't give into her ridiculous demands.
  • she is prone to violence with him and has done crazy things like slashed his car tyres when they were married.

These are just some out of hundred of examples I could give. I really loathe her but feel I can't retaliate in any way as if I do then my daughter won't see her cousins for a very long time and she's very close to them.

We all basically have to do what she demands (including my mum and dad) or there will be consequences. It is very hard to sit back and take her behaviour. My brother is really getting worn out by her. He has sought legal advice in the past but it didn't help!

Any suggestions before I implode!!

Thank you

OP posts:
Incognitomum11 · 17/04/2022 10:28

Have you ever contacted chikdrens services? If the children are frightened of her and monitored all the time etc then that sounds like abuse.

Crystalvas · 17/04/2022 10:31

Shes abusive and controlling. Your brother needs to contact social services and report the abuse. Then he should apply for full custody.

FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 10:33

Your bother needs to go to court for a contact schedule, then he can stop being manipulated by her demands for money.

spotcheck · 17/04/2022 10:33

@Crystalvas

Shes abusive and controlling. Your brother needs to contact social services and report the abuse. Then he should apply for full custody.
Surely this is the only answer? Why is he happy to let his children live this way?
Casper001 · 17/04/2022 10:34

Take it through court. If you can afford it (your brother) instruct a solicitor

Theunamedcat · 17/04/2022 10:36

Court and child maintenance services he can apply through them himself

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2022 10:36

Court all day long. Otherwise all of the above will continue.

Keep all abusive communications.

Ozanj · 17/04/2022 10:37

You need to contact social services with a diary of events. At the same time he needs to take legal action for full custody. He needs to keep doing both until they take him seriously

Quitelikeit · 17/04/2022 10:37

And no more extra child maintenance- the extra from now on goes to paying for court!!!!

Aimee1987 · 17/04/2022 10:37

I agree that sounds abusive and you should contact social services.
Slow keep a record of everything the kids say in a journal. If this goes to court that type of behaviour will demonstrate a pattern

Sswhinesthebest · 17/04/2022 10:38

He needs to do this legally!

Sswhinesthebest · 17/04/2022 10:39

Keep copies of the texts as evidence. The more you can get her to put things in writing the more proof you’ll have. Phone calls are all he says/she says.

Passtherioja · 17/04/2022 10:41

Keep copies of every message, screen shot all the call records so how often is easy to see. Record phone calls. Then get legal advice-it may cost but your brother could cover that by only paying the maintenance due.

girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 10:43

I agree about SS and court but be aware they'll do everything they can to keep the children together and they'll take the 13 year olds opinion into consideration.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 10:44

Thank you ladies.

I'll show my brother all these replies x

OP posts:
BronwenFrideswide · 17/04/2022 10:45

The only answer is to go legal for access and maintenance and also to contact Social Services and provide evidence of what is happening.

lemongreentea · 17/04/2022 10:46

Go to court and apply for full custody if shes as bad as this. Those poor children.

HollowTalk · 17/04/2022 10:49

I agree he should pay the amount stated legally and put the rest towards legal costs. If he doesn't answer his phone then she'll leave messages so he has proof.

Greyarea12 · 17/04/2022 11:00

If he goes onto Google and types in child maintenance calculator he will be able to find out there and then how much maintenance he should be paying.

My advice:
Pay the maintenance from today & not a penny more.
Contact child maintenance and have it done officially.
Contact social services & report all this.
Contact the police and report harassment (30 calls a day!)
Contact a lawyer and request a minute of agreement, a non harassment order & an interdict (injunction in England).

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 11:01

He needs to do this legally!

I agree.

Unfortunately these people are so controlling that your brother probably won’t want to go down the legal route but I think it’s in his and his children’s best interests if he does.

He needs to pay the amount required through CMS.

  • if she stops contact then that’s perfect as that gives him more ammunition to go to court.

He needs to not give her any more money but instead ask for more contact time.

Do they live close by?
Could he have them during the week?

I know someone’s whose wife was very controlling and physically and mentally abusive which he put up with for for years.

When they finally split up she took the kids and he has never seen them since and they are adults now and want nothing to do with him as they have been told that he was the violent one and she had to flee from him.

You don’t want your brother to end up in the same situation.

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 11:02

As PPs have said let her leave messages and voice messages as that is all proof of what she’s like.

iheartmybeachhut · 17/04/2022 11:06

Def. log off what's happening and legal route. Ex sounds unhinged.

Cr3ateAUsername · 17/04/2022 11:15

@Crystalvas

Shes abusive and controlling. Your brother needs to contact social services and report the abuse. Then he should apply for full custody.
Absolutely this.
speakball · 17/04/2022 11:30

She is abusive, manipulative and spiteful, if their dad isn't doing everything he can to get custody his kids will see him as complicit in their abuse, maybe not now but definitely as adults.

Lolapusht · 17/04/2022 11:38

Definitely get him to go to court. Grey rock for communications…dedicated email address for discussions about the children only. He needs to keep reinforcing to his children how much he loves them and how none of this is their fault while ry effort not to bad mouth their mum , no matter how tempting that may be. For money, he could pay CMS then buy whatever they need eg she says they need new school shoes, he takes them shopping. They need to go on a school trip, he pays it directly to school. He can still provide a great life for them without giving her money.

He needs to document everything including the alienation. It will be a battle but he’s got to get a game plan and stick religiously to it.

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