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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can we deal with this vile woman?

75 replies

Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 10:18

Hi ladies

Just like the title says. Really looking for some advice.

My brother (who I'm close to) has an ex wife. They split up 7 years ago and she now has a new partner. They have 3 young kids.He is supposed to have his kids every second weekend.

She torments and harrssses him all the time. Examples:

he gives her more maintenance that's she's due as he wants his kids to have a good standard of living but it's never enough for her. She runs out of money really quickly (she's terrible with cash) and then calls him constantly demanding more. If he doesn't give her what she wants she withholds then kids from him as punishment. She often calls him up to 30 times a day harressing him for money.

whenever he calls his kids she forces them to put their phones on loudspeaker so she can monitor their calls.

he no longer sees his oldest daughter who is 13 and his ex has admitted on more than one occasion that she'd turned her against him. This child is never let out of her sight and is controlled and monitored all the time.

yesterday we all (my daughter and her 2 cousins) had a day out planned. My brothers ex called demanding that we send one of the girls to her friends house instead. We refused to do it as we'd already booked and paid for the day. Her daughters day was ruined as she knew she'd get into big trouble for not obeying her mother. His ex then sent my brother a text (he showed me it) calling me a cow and said that we were shagging each other!!

her kids are frightened of her and are punished if they don't give into her ridiculous demands.

she is prone to violence with him and has done crazy things like slashed his car tyres when they were married.

These are just some out of hundred of examples I could give. I really loathe her but feel I can't retaliate in any way as if I do then my daughter won't see her cousins for a very long time and she's very close to them.

We all basically have to do what she demands (including my mum and dad) or there will be consequences. It is very hard to sit back and take her behaviour. My brother is really getting worn out by her. He has sought legal advice in the past but it didn't help!

Any suggestions before I implode!!

Thank you

OP posts:

Pixiedust1234 · 17/04/2022 17:42

He needs to go to court and make everything official. Should have done that in the beginning.

If she is that vile and possibly taking it out on the children then he should have stepped up years ago. Or is it only him saying these things to make himself look good? Try not to get over involved, let the courts deal with it. They are used to he says, she says scenarios.

TotallyTS · 17/04/2022 17:50

If all you have said is true then he needs to exercise his parental responsibility and protect his children. He can't claim all of this is happening, say the children are frightened of her and remain an EOW dad. That's not how parenting works.
There's a vast difference between poor behaviour towards him and abuse of his kids and parental alienation. He needs to be clear what is happening here. The court will only be interested in the safety (not just physical) and wellbeing on the children.

If she has been harassing him then he can report her to the police.

Is there a court order that needs to be varied? If not he should apply for one.

TotallyTS · 17/04/2022 17:53

I actually disagree that social services are the first point of contact. He has PR, he can use it and protect his children.
He can also apply for an emergency court order if he feels this is urgent.

MzHz · 17/04/2022 18:01

He tells her he’s going to reduce her cm to the absolute basic…
Unless she allows contact without interruption, stops the harassment

And he needs block her calls and tell her to email only, about the kids and nothing more

Then take advice on custody - but I doubt he’ll have a prayer, she’ll terrorise the kids into refusing

He can give the additional money to the kids via the things they do at yours, or direct to the school etc etc

MzHz · 17/04/2022 18:02

Exercising PR, doing what’s right to protect the kids and actual court outcomes are poles apart from each other

Justice is pot luck and biased against fathers wanting to help their kids in situations like this sadly

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 17/04/2022 18:11

So it's, "How Can We Deal With This Vile Woman?" but still get her do the bulk of the child care?

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 18:42

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

So it's, "How Can We Deal With This Vile Woman?" but still get her do the bulk of the child care?

And his sister does the childcare for him on the 2 weekends a month he has them.

emeraldjones · 17/04/2022 18:43

My bother says his children love their mother and they do speak fondly of her at times. I don't think she's nasty to them ALL the time but she certainly IS to him!

My mother was abusive and I wouldn't hear anything against her as a child . I adored her - or rather I was in thrall to her. She was my mum and she must love me, so all the emotional abuse was because I wasn't good enough. Sometimes she was lovely to me but in the blink of an eye she changed to toxic rages. It horribly affected my development and I have made awful choices in my life because I wasn't given the tools to make choices or to feel autonomous. The idea of my having needs was non existent - it was all about her and what I could do to keep her on side. Children know nothing different from what they live with. Do bear that in mind and your brother too.

lemongreentea · 17/04/2022 18:47

Are you also looking after the children when your brother has then every other week, or does he do any parenting himself?

He sounds like a whiney bitch complaining about his ex to you when he should be thanking her for doing the bulk of the childcare.

Is youe brother the problem? And why are you so over involved in this.

CanofCant · 17/04/2022 19:09

What a load of clichéd shite. If your brother is that concerned he would be doing all he could to gain full custody. I'd be taking his complaints with a bucket of salt in the future.

Original poster

Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 19:19

My brother has sought legal advice in the past. Lawyers have written to her outlining child arrangements but she stuck to it for a while then resorted back to her horrible behaviour. The lawyer said there wasn't much he could do as the courts usually favour with the mother.

I HELP with the child care when he has them but I dont do all of it! My daughter loves spending time with her cousins when they are up so my bother often had them all and I return the favour for a few hours here and there.

Why am I so involved? Because I hate seeing my brother and nieces abused! Also she makes threats to my brother regarding me eg " tell your sister if I see her in town she better watch herself" etc. So I AM involved!

I have threatened my brother with reporting her to social services a number of times but he's frightened it would make things a hundred times worse. The rest of my family agree. I would have reported her if I had his permission.

He just wants the harassment to stop and to have them every second weekend on a regular basis. At the moment this isn't happening as she often withholds them if he fails to comply with her demands as a punishment.

There has been been some good suggestions and I'll let him read them. Thank you.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 17/04/2022 19:26

@lemongreentea are you the crazy ex? Must be with the rubbish you have just spouted.

Casper001 · 17/04/2022 19:29

Christ. The comments in this thread. This forum is so awful. Do the mods do their job at all.

girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 19:32

Nah sorry you've lost me.

She's horrible to him - fine. But she's admitted to emotional abuse and he won't go to social services because, god forbid, he might have to have his own children more than 26 times a year.

And by the sounds of things you do childcare for him - so he can't even manage that.

Those children deserve better.

lemongreentea · 17/04/2022 19:38

drpet49 are you the lazy brother? Must be with the rubbish you have just spouted.

pumpkintree · 17/04/2022 19:47

@Heidi3333

Thank you ladies.

I'll show my brother all these replies x

Your brother gives her the option of receiving the higher payments and the kids get thwr contact with no issues or you go the legal route and ensure the payments match so you can seek legal advice.

Stand up to her. She is not going to like it bit belive me it will change

LizzieSiddal · 17/04/2022 19:55

Make sure you have kept ALL of her threatening texts and take them to the solicitor!

Sippingonginandjuice77 · 17/04/2022 20:25

My dp went through the same.. he went to court and won full custody. Just because he is the dad, doesn’t mean he won’t win!! It can be done. Let her withhold the children for a while whilst you save for court fees if necessary, it will only strengthen his case. If you want any specific advice, please feel free to dm me xx

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 20:31

@Casper001

Christ. The comments in this thread. This forum is so awful. Do the mods do their job at all.

Mumsnet is self moderated, if there are posts you want looking at then report them.

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 20:33

@Heidi3333

There has been been some good suggestions and I'll let him read them. Thank you.

If your brother was that bothered he would go for custody. I'm afraid you lost my sympathy at he only wants them every 2 weeks. If things were that bad he would fight tooth and nail to get them out of there OP.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2022 20:44

I think the brother will follow MzHz's advice because that is all about him saving money and bother.

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 21:58

So he weakly saw a lawyer to uphold his EOW deal but nothing about having more time or custody.

Sorry, zero sympathy for your lazy brother.

It sounds like she got rid of him for good reasons.

MzHz · 17/04/2022 23:45

@Coyoacan

I think the brother will follow MzHz's advice because that is all about him saving money and bother.

There’s only one thing that’s worth fighting for and that’s to stop her controlling the kids and the pay per view

She’s got a decent deal and that’s still not enough

So remove the extra and make sure the extra is something you control and that it directly benefits the children

He has realistically very little chance of getting full custody in law, and in practice she’s going to use the kids as weapons, and that’s not what is best for them. So work with what you have and make it pay for her to ‘behave’

Remove all contact except email and use it in court if need be, Frey rock. It’s a good way to deal with situations like this

SweetSakura · 18/04/2022 00:24

Is she abusive or is she not? Because if she actually is abusive towards her children but he doesn't want to inconvenience himself by having them more than EOW then he is a very shitty parent too.

On the other.hand I do think you should take some of your brother's stories with a pinch of salt because I know my ex probably spins all sorts of yarns about me to his family

speakball · 18/04/2022 07:57

"I have threatened my brother with reporting her to social services a number of times but he's frightened it would make things a hundred times worse. The rest of my family agree. I would have reported her if I had his permission."

You don't need his permission to find child abuse unacceptable. Are you suggesting that if your partner was abusing your kids you wouldn't report because you'd be worried it would get worse? This is how abusers work, we're frightened of them enough to just let it carry on.

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