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Original poster

How can we deal with this vile woman?

75 replies

Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 10:18

Hi ladies

Just like the title says. Really looking for some advice.

My brother (who I'm close to) has an ex wife. They split up 7 years ago and she now has a new partner. They have 3 young kids.He is supposed to have his kids every second weekend.

She torments and harrssses him all the time. Examples:

  • he gives her more maintenance that's she's due as he wants his kids to have a good standard of living but it's never enough for her. She runs out of money really quickly (she's terrible with cash) and then calls him constantly demanding more. If he doesn't give her what she wants she withholds then kids from him as punishment. She often calls him up to 30 times a day harressing him for money.
  • whenever he calls his kids she forces them to put their phones on loudspeaker so she can monitor their calls.
  • he no longer sees his oldest daughter who is 13 and his ex has admitted on more than one occasion that she'd turned her against him. This child is never let out of her sight and is controlled and monitored all the time.
  • yesterday we all (my daughter and her 2 cousins) had a day out planned. My brothers ex called demanding that we send one of the girls to her friends house instead. We refused to do it as we'd already booked and paid for the day. Her daughters day was ruined as she knew she'd get into big trouble for not obeying her mother. His ex then sent my brother a text (he showed me it) calling me a cow and said that we were shagging each other!!
  • her kids are frightened of her and are punished if they don't give into her ridiculous demands.
  • she is prone to violence with him and has done crazy things like slashed his car tyres when they were married.

These are just some out of hundred of examples I could give. I really loathe her but feel I can't retaliate in any way as if I do then my daughter won't see her cousins for a very long time and she's very close to them.

We all basically have to do what she demands (including my mum and dad) or there will be consequences. It is very hard to sit back and take her behaviour. My brother is really getting worn out by her. He has sought legal advice in the past but it didn't help!

Any suggestions before I implode!!

Thank you

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 17/04/2022 11:41

If he just pays what he has to he can still pay for the children on weekends or open a savings account for them . Then when he tells her keep copies of all replies or record voice messages . She can not refuse him access .

LetHimHaveIt · 17/04/2022 11:57

Take her to court. Obviously.

2Gen · 17/04/2022 12:04

@Greyarea12

If he goes onto Google and types in child maintenance calculator he will be able to find out there and then how much maintenance he should be paying.

My advice:
Pay the maintenance from today & not a penny more.
Contact child maintenance and have it done officially.
Contact social services & report all this.
Contact the police and report harassment (30 calls a day!)
Contact a lawyer and request a minute of agreement, a non harassment order & an interdict (injunction in England).

This OP! Also your DB should then be applying for full custody of his DC because that woman is abusive to those children! TBH, she sounds personality disordered to me. Read up on Cluster B Personality Disorders or better still ,advise your DB to do so! Knowledge is power! My hear goes out to you DB and his children, thanks be to God he has a good, caring DSIS like you on his team! All the very best to ye!
WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 12:04

If he just pays what he has to he can still pay for the children on weekends or open a savings account for them

Great idea.

She probably makes him feel guilty thinking they’ll go hungry and stuff but many of us don’t get any maintenance and still manage so he needs to pay what he’s legally required to and then use any other money as PP suggested.

If she is saying they’re going hungry then they can go to his for dinner after school.

He needs to not keep giving into her demands as she’ll never be satisfied and it will just get worse.

2bazookas · 17/04/2022 12:40

You should step back.

For the sake of his children DB has to learn how to deal with his ex. Via the appropriate channels. HE has to take responsibility.

You can't live his life for him. Stop being a crutch, so that he can learn to stand on his own two feet.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 13:01

Thank you for the replies.

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

I definitely think she has a personality disorder of some sort. I just don't know what one!

It's hard not to get involved when I see how much my brother suffers. Also when he has the kids at the weekends I spend a lot of time with the kids and so am often exposed to her behaviour. But Tbh all I do is advise him. Not much else I can do really.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 13:07

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

Plenty of single parents work full time.
No decent parent would let their work schedule decide whether their children should be subjected to prolonged psychological abuse.

MuggedByTheSleepThief · 17/04/2022 13:07

Op if she is as bad as that your db needs to be stepping up for custody FT work or not. I don’t underestimate how hard the fight would be or how hard single parenting is but he cannot leave this as, simply aiming for less heat from her - that is not fair n the children

WinterDeWinter · 17/04/2022 13:09

But why couldn't he have them fr Op, lots of single mothers work full time too. If he thinks the kids are being abused he owes it to them to limiit their time with her.

Passtherioja · 17/04/2022 13:15

Full time working single parent here-your brother could make it work if he needed to. Yes, there are huge sacrifices to be made however that's what we sign up for when we have kids.

speakball · 17/04/2022 13:30

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time.

The kids are the most important thing here, not his job, he has to step up, anything else is just bitching.

Peakypolly · 17/04/2022 13:37

Full time work does not preclude childcare. To be honest your brother has to fight for his kids or let his ex do things her way. Two days out of 14 is hardly being involved.
It sounds like co-parenting can't work, but have they considered mediation?

WonderfulYou · 17/04/2022 13:41

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

I work FT and I’m a single parent.
He can easily do it and if she’s as bad as you say I’m sure you and other family members will support him.

He needs to at least be going for 50/50 contact or having them after school most days.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/04/2022 14:27

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

Surely he would rather change job, work part time etc like thousands of single parents do, rather than leave them in an abusive relationship?

I can't recall ever hearing a woman say she can't have full custody as she works full time. Because society would expect her to change every other bit of her life to accommodate being primary carer.

Your brother's children are living in an abusive home. He should want to change whatever he can about his own life to protect them.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2022 15:19

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

Whao!

So this is about his convenience, not about saving his children from a hellish existence.

Original poster
Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 15:23

You have raised lots of valid points, thanks.

I can see he'd have to be prepared to change his job and life style.

I'm going to pass on your comments to him later tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidi3333 · 17/04/2022 15:38

My bother says his children love their mother and they do speak fondly of her at times. I don't think she's nasty to them ALL the time but she certainly IS to him!

OP posts:
speakball · 17/04/2022 15:45

How much nastiness would you let your kids put up with from the other parent?

AubadeIsIt · 17/04/2022 16:26

@Coyoacan

I don't think he could have full custody of the kids as he works full time but he'd definitely like them every 2 weeks.

Whao!

So this is about his convenience, not about saving his children from a hellish existence.

He shouldn't worry, gazillions of single mothers work full time and have full custody of their children.
MakeMineAdoubleChocolate · 17/04/2022 16:28

Your brother needs to involve the so ila services. And it is absolutely vile that she is implying that you and your brother have inappropriate relationship. That alone would flip my lid. I feel sorry the children and I also feel for your brother. Why does he have to give so much money, can't she work or ask her own husband, if she has moved on, it's all very strange that she is still harassing and hounding your brother for money and being awful.

The best route to go down is to involve the social services and then he should seek full custody. The children are involved in a really bad environment. The 13 year old sounds like she doesn't have the normal life of a young teenager. And they probably witness a lot at home. Your brother must keep all proof and keep a diary log of everything for the court and to back his case up in order to get custody of the children. It's rotten what he is going through. You also can show the court what he is going through and say you will also support him with the children, with him being your brother and him being a single father.
Good luck...

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 17/04/2022 17:07

He needs to make a stance. He needs to let her know her contact is not wanted. That if she continues to call he will go to the police as it's harrasment.
Tbh with out sounding rude he sounds very passive! If the mother is poisoning the children against him that's abusive. She needs help, in understanding this.

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 17:21

Tell him to send her a message in that he'll be paying wahts recommended and the rest will be going towards legal costs to rectify her obstructive abusing behaviour. Never speak to her in person, get everything in writing.

If she's as bad as you're describing then he needs to go for custody to protect them.

RantyAunty · 17/04/2022 17:28

So here we have another man who has a supposedly "batshit ex" abusive and controlling but completely fine with leaving his children with her for 7 years as not to disrupt his lifestyle.
He's happy with EOW says a lot.

Then you come back and say oh but she's not abusing the kids, her problem is with him.
And he works FT so couldn't possible have the kids more.

Have you ever thought that maybe your DB is a twat and she has good reason for not liking him.

Kids aren't stupid. They know who is there for them and it sounds like Disney Dad brother isn't.

LizzieSiddal · 17/04/2022 17:35

I too think that if this ex is as bad as you are making out, it’s his duty to protect those kids and go for full custody or at least 50/50.

Ffs put the kids first!!

SlatsandFlaps · 17/04/2022 17:37

Yeah your latest updates have spun my thinking on this one. The children clearly aren't your brother's priority here, are they?

I don't think you're being given the full story here AT ALL, OP! I think you've had the wool pulled firmly over your eyes.

If he thought his children were being raised by a batshit, unstable woman then he'd want those children with HIM! No matter what it took

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