Hear me out because this wont be your typical your gay/straight story.
I dont want sex. Its like my mind has now formed a complex/ physical barrier around the topic. When i was 20 i had my first "relationship" and I remember the guy asking me if I was a lesbian because he would try to do stuff with me and I wouldn't react at all. I put this down to lack of experience and not actually understanding what this guy was trying to do or my own body. Whenever he kissed me I hated it, if he tried to go down south anywhere I would laugh as it 'tickled'. We never did anything properly.
Now roll on a couple more years and I didnt really have the most brilliant introduction into actual sexual deeds. I ended up in a very selfish one side friends with benefits. He was my first time and reflecting back on it he said I always used to complain about pain. I did things because I liked him not necessarily because I got anything out of it. The pain was clearly because I wasnt turned on enough.
After that I had a couple sexual encounters here and there but nothing mesmorising or worth the fuss even mentioning.
Now I am in a long term relationship. From the get go I told my partner I never got on board with kissing, but initially with him I loved it. We would kiss/make out/ hold hands all the time. We would have sex all the time although again i wouldnt say it was anything special. I am my dps first sexual partner so he lacked the know how. He did attempt once or twice to do things to me but as soon as he realised it did nothing for me he very quickly gave up on trying to "unlock me" or learn about my body. I just feel lile a failure and impossible case. Its also a very conflicting feeling for me because on one hand I dont want sex and dread it but on the other hand I want to want sex and feel like something is wrong with me.
Although dp never bothers with me and I have never climaxed before with anyone, i used to be very in tune with my sexuality in terms of delivering and I used to like pleasing who ever I was with. Now Im not bothered and consequently me and dp do not have a sex life anymore. Its depressing as we are only 25 with dc and I cant see how our future will pan out if this continues. I know this is leading us down a path where resentment will build or one of us will cheat. Dp has seemed to have lost his care for it as well as he never gets any anymore. It now requires a massive conscious effort to do anything om either of our parts, even just to remember to do something!
At first I thought dp was different but losing my sex drive was him has shown that isnt true. I thought I was losing interest in him sexually as we had a very strained relationship early on and then i got pregnant had an c section and we just kept thinking things would return back to how they were before. But they havent. In my mind i used to blame our consistent relationship proems as the giant put off for my sex drive but upon reflection I can see this problem was always there.
I did even go through a time period where I thought I was asexual but then I had sexual experiences that contradicted this so I guess i wasnt.
Im so confused and this is really getting me down. Im worried about the detrimental effect this will have on my relationship..i dont want sex to be the end of us. No I am mot sexually attracted to women in the slightest. I see men on the street and wouldnt mind jumping on them but whether I actually would when I came down to it is a different story.
Help!