How much sex is reasonable when you have young children?

[AugustSeptemberOctober]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed.

We have twins who have just turned two. They're an absolute delight but also very exhausting, and not the best sleepers (hence why I'm up now). To be honest, I'm so tired that sex never enters my head these days, not helped by starting antidepressants last year (which have made such a difference to my life that I wouldn't consider coming off them or changing them at the moment).

DH would happily have sex every night. A while ago he said he wasn't feeling very satisfied, as we were only having sex once every week or two. Although not very romantic, we agreed that we'd try to make time to be intimate on a Wednesday and again at the weekend. He's also stepped up helping with the twins, and to be fair he is brilliant with them, but they're in a very clingy stage where only "mummy" will do, so I still bear the brunt of it.

I have really made an effort to make sure that the two nights happen, but unfortunately they don't always, if the twins have been difficult going down to bed etc. DH now says that our solution "isn't working" because he looks forward to our set evenings, and then feels even more disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I'm not really sure what to do. DH definitely wouldn't want me to have sex if I wasn't in the mood, and doesn't ever pressure me or sulk etc. He's very attentive and I don't think there's much more he could do to get me in the mood. I'm just so bloody tired. Whilst we've been aiming for twice a week, we have been managing at least once a week. I feel that with two young children we are doing ok. But he's still not satisfied. I'm not sure what I want from this post, maybe some validation that we are doing ok at once a week? We have never really had much more sex than this, but while my drive has nose dived his only ever seems to go up!

How much is reasonable depends on the couple. When my kids were that age it was probably about every two weeks.

I think your husband needs to be a bit flexible. If the kids don't settle, then reschedule for the next night. You are trying so that counts for a lot.

Is there any opportunity if the kids nap during the day? If they settle late will he be happy if you just have a 'quickie'?

I think this is the reality of a lot of people with young children.

PS - I hope you never feel pressured to say yes if you really don't want it. Trying to meet his needs when you are willing is one thing, even if you wouldn't have chosen it that night yourself. It's another if you are doing it just to keep him happy but hate every moment.

I am curious as to why he isn't as tired as you are. With young twins I would expect both parents to be equally exhausted! He sounds selfish to me and is putting you under unfair pressure when you have enough to deal with already. His desire shouldn't come before your need for rest. This seems to be very common in heterosexual relationships in patriarchal societies going by the amount this exact issue arises in threads. I suppose the only thing you can do is talk to him more. I'm staggered when men don't seem to understand or care about their wives exhaustion!

Jesus I think two times a week is loads! Can you speak with him about how exhausting the kids are at this age and that you feel like he is adding another layer of pressure to you. Even doing it once a week is a really good effort. We have a 14 month old and I'm expecting baby number 2 and haven't had sex in 12 weeks 🤣 As the kids grow up and are sleeping better you may be more inclined to up the ante.

The twins won't nap anymore
Currently trying to get them back into a decent routine.

I said I didn't want to drip feed but probably should have mentioned, I am a SAHM. DH has a demanding job and is also studying on top of that so he can qualify and bring in more money. I love being a SAHM and have absolutely no desire to return to work until the twins are at school, but I do feel that it's only fair for me to deal with the night wakings etc. I always end up with a decent amount of sleep, but I really struggle with the relentless early mornings. DH has tried getting the twins up so I can have a lay in at the weekend, but they just shout for me and I end up getting up anyway. So he tends to get up an hour or so after me, as there's no point in us both having to get up at 6am! I won't lie, it does feel a bit unfair that he doesn't appreciate how tired this makes me.

masturbation needs to be his solution until your life settles down.
i think this is the reality of life with small children at least the early years.

I hate it when men put their desire for sex before everything else, it's so off putting. It's like he sees you as a stress reliever or something. He needs to grow up a bit. I'm sorry he is making you feel like this.

@GreenNewDealNow

I hate it when men put their desire for sex before everything else, it's so off putting. It's like he sees you as a stress reliever or something. He needs to grow up a bit. I'm sorry he is making you feel like this.

I haven't seen anywhere in the OP where he's doing this though? He's allowed to feel disappointed when it doesn't happen. He doesn't sound like he's pouting or putting pressure on the OP?

I think it depends on the couple, I have 3 kids under 4 and we only really manage it about once a month at the moment as we are both exhausted. OP you say in your first post that your Dh never pressures you or sulks but it sounds like he's guilt triping you.

OK, I change my previous response a bit. OP, you don't sound as willing with the twice a week thing as it sounded in your first posts. If you are having sex unwillingly, to meet his needs alone, that is not okay. Under the circumstances once a week is doing well.

@Rtmhwales I assumed that if the poster felt the need to write about it then it is an issue. The fact he is disappointed and she knows it suggests pressure. He should be going out of his way to support his wife and make her feel comfortable and rested. He should wait until she's ready and willing.

We average about four times a month. Sometimes it's twice in one week and then another week without. Is your husband doing his fair share? I didn't really fancy it much until we were equally sharing the childcare and chores etc. I think your doing well at once a week with two two year olds.

I have 15 month old twins and work full time and have had sex once since they were born - he should be lucky he's getting once a week!!!

We have two toddlers and manage sex most days, because they are good sleepers so we hsve our evenings free. In your circumstances I'm not surprised it's a lot less often!

Could you compromise and have the occasional quickie? E.g. let the kids watch TV downstairs for 10 minutes when your DH gets in from work, and you pop upstairs when he's getting changed? Depends on the size and layout of your home, but we would have privacy in that scenario.

Your DH isn’t wrong for wanting more sex, but he is wrong for expecting it and applying pressure for it. This is a short lived and very specific season of your life, so honestly he just has to adjust at the moment. As if with things related to young kids - things will get better. I personally think 2x a week is on the high end for twin parents, but that’s neither here nor there - normal is whatever suits you in respect to what you’re going through.

My practical advice would be to obviously keep talking to each other and try to come to an understanding about how you’re feeling, to stop letting your twins rule the roost of a weekend morning - make it clear to them that mummy is sleeping and they can’t get their way in having you get up, they will learn to accept that daddy gets them up on weekends. And lastly to getting a sleep consultant - it will be best for you and best for your twins to all get the rest you need.

P.S I have twins too, who are 4yrs old.

Thank you all for the responses, it's helpful to get an outside view. I was going to say "I honestly don't feel pressured" but actually, perhaps I do feel a little bit guilt tripped. I think it's important that we are having conversations about it though, I don't think he brings it up to make me feel bad.

As for doing his fair share - I would say so, yes. It's difficult because he does work hard and I'm a SAHM, so "fair" is a bit subjective I think. Definitely not 50/50 and nor should it be. I'm happy with his contribution, though maybe the early morning thing could do with some work.

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo Christ, no you can’t leave two year old twins alone downstairs for 10 minutes while you have sex.

[quote Didimum]@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo Christ, no you can’t leave two year old twins alone downstairs for 10 minutes while you have sex.[/quote]
Is this a joke? I have two children of a similar age (not twins, but there is a one-year age gap) and regularly leave them downstairs watching TV for up to half an hour while I shower and get dressed in the morning. The living room is baby-proof and it's completely fine. I would never be able to shower, or use the loo, or cook if I didn't leave my kids playing/watching TV together for a few minutes...

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo Twins are very very different in dynamic to regular siblings even close in age. Even then, using the bathroom, showering and cooking are all basic necessities - they can also come and get you if they want/need to.

[quote Didimum]@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo Twins are very very different in dynamic to regular siblings even close in age. Even then, using the bathroom, showering and cooking are all basic necessities - they can also come and get you if they want/need to.[/quote]
That's a fair point about the different dynamic. That said, my kids get up to plenty of mischief, but that's why I suggested TV - mine tend to sit still quietly watching when the TV is on!

And, for me, a good physical relationship is pretty essential - not as vital as cooking, obviously, but probably up there with blow-drying my hair and putting a bit of makeup on (which I achieve by leaving my kids downstairs together for a few minutes). I see regular sex as a fairly important part of maintaining my marriage. If distance were to open up between my husband and I, that would be bad for my children too. Life is all about weighing one risk against another.

Maybe what you need to be focusing on in sorting out the sleep routine. Most two year olds are going to bed fairly early and sleeping through, what are the issues in your case?

Have you found that the antidepressants have affected your libido ?

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

I think the problem with twins is that there is no older/younger hierarchy - I can’t really explain why they are so different. I’ve just found their are infinite things my friends with singleton siblings can get away with that twin parents can’t - they argue more, they are more likely to hurt each other. I agree sex life is very very important to maintain, I just think when you’re cooking or getting ready, it’s a solo thing that doesn’t particularly monopolise your attention, it’s routine, you’re still always in caregiver mode and they can come and get your attention if they need it very easily, and leaving very young kids for sex seems very different in that.

Let him satisfy himself and get the rest you need. This is only temporary when your two DC are so small.

We hardly had sex when they were tiny, tbh. But we got through it🤷

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo How on earth do you relax enough to have enjoyable sex if your young kids are downstairs on their own? I'm genuinely curious, the idea is so far away from my own reality that I'm amazed it's a suggestion. I couldn't have left my two year old for more than two minutes without checking on him, even watching TV he'd have climbed the sofa or be trying to scale the bookcase. He's better now he's three and I can leave him for a bit, but Christ not at two and not to have sex!

Anyway OP I think your husband is being unreasonable. I feel touched out with a three year old working almost full time, I can't imagine how it would be with clingy twins and no breaks. I think I'd go and live in the shed when they were asleep. It's not the tiredness as much as the constantly being climbed on and fussed with that bothers me, in the evening I just want to be alone.