How much sex is reasonable when you have young children?

[AugustSeptemberOctober]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed.

We have twins who have just turned two. They're an absolute delight but also very exhausting, and not the best sleepers (hence why I'm up now). To be honest, I'm so tired that sex never enters my head these days, not helped by starting antidepressants last year (which have made such a difference to my life that I wouldn't consider coming off them or changing them at the moment).

DH would happily have sex every night. A while ago he said he wasn't feeling very satisfied, as we were only having sex once every week or two. Although not very romantic, we agreed that we'd try to make time to be intimate on a Wednesday and again at the weekend. He's also stepped up helping with the twins, and to be fair he is brilliant with them, but they're in a very clingy stage where only "mummy" will do, so I still bear the brunt of it.

I have really made an effort to make sure that the two nights happen, but unfortunately they don't always, if the twins have been difficult going down to bed etc. DH now says that our solution "isn't working" because he looks forward to our set evenings, and then feels even more disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I'm not really sure what to do. DH definitely wouldn't want me to have sex if I wasn't in the mood, and doesn't ever pressure me or sulk etc. He's very attentive and I don't think there's much more he could do to get me in the mood. I'm just so bloody tired. Whilst we've been aiming for twice a week, we have been managing at least once a week. I feel that with two young children we are doing ok. But he's still not satisfied. I'm not sure what I want from this post, maybe some validation that we are doing ok at once a week? We have never really had much more sex than this, but while my drive has nose dived his only ever seems to go up!

I’ll add that it might help both of you a lot (but mostly you) if dad tries going in at night.
The fact that they are getting wonderful lovely mummy (and her boobs) coming in might be making bopping around at night a much more attractive proposition than getting boring father resettling them. That was our experience anyway.
I was working throughout (self employed) and yes I was tired but do the crime do the time, or as they also say happy mum happy home.

Once a week sounds fine, but you’re also being a bit of a martyr about the lie-ins.

[quote TulipsGarden]@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo How on earth do you relax enough to have enjoyable sex if your young kids are downstairs on their own? I'm genuinely curious, the idea is so far away from my own reality that I'm amazed it's a suggestion. I couldn't have left my two year old for more than two minutes without checking on him, even watching TV he'd have climbed the sofa or be trying to scale the bookcase. He's better now he's three and I can leave him for a bit, but Christ not at two and not to have sex!

Anyway OP I think your husband is being unreasonable. I feel touched out with a three year old working almost full time, I can't imagine how it would be with clingy twins and no breaks. I think I'd go and live in the shed when they were asleep. It's not the tiredness as much as the constantly being climbed on and fussed with that bothers me, in the evening I just want to be alone.[/quote]
Completely agree there is no way in the world I would leave my 2yo alone for 30 mins. Even the most baby proofed of areas have dangers, my toddler is likely to jump off the top of the couch or be spinning in circles dancing and fall and hit her head on the skirting board (she has done this when I was there and gave herself a black eye!)..... but imagine if she knocked herself out and i was upstairs having sex. Absolutely crazy... why would you risk it? I just have sex when they nap.

I think he’s being completely unreasonable and needs to step up a LOT more

💐💐💐 for you x

@GreenNewDealNow

I hate it when men put their desire for sex before everything else, it's so off putting. It's like he sees you as a stress reliever or something. He needs to grow up a bit. I'm sorry he is making you feel like this.

He sounds like a decent guy to be fair. I think I must have read a different post to you

Given it’s summer soon maybe he can get them up and out of the house early doors on a weekend morning so you can have a lie in. There is really no excuse for a parent of kids of that age not to be able to manage them reasonably quietly while the other has a lie in. Saying “oh they wanted you” is a cop out tbh.

Hi @LowlyTheWorm this is very helpful and insightful advice. Are you a therapist? Also my daughter loves Lowly worm, he’s her favourite character from the Richard Scarry books!