How much sex is reasonable when you have young children?

[AugustSeptemberOctober]

Sorry this is long, but don't want to drip feed.

We have twins who have just turned two. They're an absolute delight but also very exhausting, and not the best sleepers (hence why I'm up now). To be honest, I'm so tired that sex never enters my head these days, not helped by starting antidepressants last year (which have made such a difference to my life that I wouldn't consider coming off them or changing them at the moment).

DH would happily have sex every night. A while ago he said he wasn't feeling very satisfied, as we were only having sex once every week or two. Although not very romantic, we agreed that we'd try to make time to be intimate on a Wednesday and again at the weekend. He's also stepped up helping with the twins, and to be fair he is brilliant with them, but they're in a very clingy stage where only "mummy" will do, so I still bear the brunt of it.

I have really made an effort to make sure that the two nights happen, but unfortunately they don't always, if the twins have been difficult going down to bed etc. DH now says that our solution "isn't working" because he looks forward to our set evenings, and then feels even more disappointed when it doesn't happen.

I'm not really sure what to do. DH definitely wouldn't want me to have sex if I wasn't in the mood, and doesn't ever pressure me or sulk etc. He's very attentive and I don't think there's much more he could do to get me in the mood. I'm just so bloody tired. Whilst we've been aiming for twice a week, we have been managing at least once a week. I feel that with two young children we are doing ok. But he's still not satisfied. I'm not sure what I want from this post, maybe some validation that we are doing ok at once a week? We have never really had much more sex than this, but while my drive has nose dived his only ever seems to go up!

From what it sounds like - you need a break! You sound exhausted. I hope he realises there is a valid reason behind your lack of sex drive.

Sex is dependant on each persons needs there is no set answer to how much sex is normal.

I've been on both sides where my sex drive disappeared and where my partner didn't want sex and both sides are equally frustrating and heartbreaking. You need to both meet in the middle here.

Can you organise a date night at least once a month? Where you both get to go out and concentrate on your relationship child free? I often feel sex is more about lack of intimacy as well as physical connection, and time together might just soothe the burn here as well as being you closer to your partner to get that spark and energy back for you to want to.

We have 3 young DC and it varies. Some weeks we have sex 4 or 5 times and others its just once. Totally depends on what else is going on in life - how the kids are sleeping / other life stresses etc. but probably averages out about 3x a week I would say.

I think its good you are chatting about it and he isn't piling the pressure on you

[quote TulipsGarden]@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo How on earth do you relax enough to have enjoyable sex if your young kids are downstairs on their own? I'm genuinely curious, the idea is so far away from my own reality that I'm amazed it's a suggestion. I couldn't have left my two year old for more than two minutes without checking on him, even watching TV he'd have climbed the sofa or be trying to scale the bookcase. He's better now he's three and I can leave him for a bit, but Christ not at two and not to have sex!

Anyway OP I think your husband is being unreasonable. I feel touched out with a three year old working almost full time, I can't imagine how it would be with clingy twins and no breaks. I think I'd go and live in the shed when they were asleep. It's not the tiredness as much as the constantly being climbed on and fussed with that bothers me, in the evening I just want to be alone.[/quote]
We mostly have sex at night when the kids are asleep, but we've had the odd quickie with them watching TV downstairs. As I said in previous posts, when the TV is on they tend to just sit still focusing on it - and at any rate the living room is child-proofed (no bookcases, for example - they're in the dining room and the study instead) so there's a limit to the mischief they can make.

I would have a nervous breakdown if I couldn't leave my kids alone for a few minutes (usually to shower or cook, rather than have sex!). It must be very stressful not feeling you can leave your children for more than a couple of minutes.

Two year olds are exhausting - and that's just on their own! I don't think your dh sounds unfair or manipulative but I also think the idea of set days isn't working if it leads to disappointment. I don't know what the solution is (other than time!) although I would say maybe have a think about any contraception you're on. I was amazed when I came off the pill to ttc at how much my libido increased and I really notice it plummet when I go back on. It could be worth trying something else (if you're on anything like that - obviously ignore this if not).

@GeneLovesJezebel

Have you found that the antidepressants have affected your libido ?

Yes definitely. But I got to such a dark place before I started them, and I really feel like a new person now. Lots of people have commented despite not knowing about the medication. I really don't want to mess it up by changing anything. It's just a shame it's really killed off the sex drive!

@hellcatspangle

Maybe what you need to be focusing on in sorting out the sleep routine. Most two year olds are going to bed fairly early and sleeping through, what are the issues in your case?

It's particularly bad at the moment, we've recently transferred them to beds because they started to climb out of their cots. I am trying different things though and hoping that things improve soon!

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

“ … and at any rate the living room is child-proofed (no bookcases, for example - they're in the dining room and the study instead) so there's a limit to the mischief they can make.

I would have a nervous breakdown if I couldn't leave my kids alone for a few minutes (usually to shower or cook, rather than have sex!). It must be very stressful not feeling you can leave your children for more than a couple of minutes.“

You would not have a nervous breakdown, you would get on with it just like millions of other women across the world do every day. Women who might have twins or kids who don’t focus on TV, or kids who don’t play independently yet or may have any of the myriad behaviours or conditions which mean you can’t leave them alone for very long … especially when you don’t have studies or dining rooms to keep furniture in. This is very out of touch to the majority of parents.

We do it most days. I've got four kids, youngest is 4. But even when they were younger we were probably doing it as much. We both have high sex drives though and we've always prioritised it. When we're were stressed or tired, sex is something to look forward to, that is just between us. I would hate to ever lose that intimacy. I think twice a week is probably normal though and it's unfair for him to pressure you for more if you don't want it.

Sex once a week sounds perfectly functional to me!
What would be nice is for your DH to step up with giving you time off on the weekends etc.
I know twins must be different, but when my DC were going in and out of “only mummy” phase, I would take them out for the day, or even off to grandparents overnight just to give my wife a break, and also to put the kids in an environment where they can learn that they don’t need to rely on just mummy.

Tell him to masturbate and let you sleep. Twice a week is fine for us with two children and jobs each. When the kids were very young though I was exhausted and it didn't happen. It does get better so remind him of this

So he’s getting a full nights sleep as you do all the night wakenings. And then he lies in for an hour or so at the weekends.

So let’s say that the night wakenings take 2 hours quality sleep - that’s 14 hours a week. And the lack of lie ins - another 4. So he’s getting 18 hours more sleep a week that you.

Then I’d imagine he’s taking an hours lunch each day at work - that’s another 5 hours off.

That’s why he’s less tired.

The solution is for him to care for the children much more often. The only reason they cry for mummy and don’t want daddy is that he’s not there enough .

So if you take that 23 hours a week he has to himself that you don’t - take 11 hours week to yourself while he watches the children. Spend one night a week sleeping at a friends / cheap hotel. Or have 6 hours a day at the weekends - go out somewhere , take up a hobby or go shopping then read a book in a coffee shop.

I promise you that after a few months of this it will solve your mismatched desire for sex.

@AugustSeptemberOctober it sounds really tough but that actually you guys are doing a great job of parenting and of marriage. You’re talking and being honest, coming up with ideas and trying them out. Life isn’t perfect and neither will your relationship be, nor your sex life.
I suspect a few factors are impacting this- the antidepressants for one and you being touched out and in Mummy mode also. whilst scheduling in sex is a great idea in theory- as you’ve found, when the twins need you (or one of the twins even) then you are in Mummy mode…and sex is off the cards. Or more difficult to resume.
I wonder if, when your husband talks about being disappointed…instead of taking that on as something you feel guilty for or need do something about, you can both sit with that. Yes he feels disappointed, that’s a shame and you can empathise with his bad feelings but you don’t need to take responsibility for it. That disappointed feeling might be part and parcel of being a dad- you need to step up and be mum and he misses out on sex. Neither of you are winning in those circumstances. You might also explore your feelings at this point- looking forward to
some intimacy and then having to be mum…
Learn to continue to be honest but to not be responsible for each other’s feelings, but explore them and sympathise and discuss.
You are doing a great job and this too shall
pass…keep talking.

You are on your knees with exhaustion is why.

He needs to be much more involved with the DC and you need to get some decent sleep and if that means you get Friday night in a local Travelodge so be it.

This might be a bit irrelavent or helpful, I'm not sure.

In my relationship I've always been the one with a higher sex drive (30F) than my dp (27m).
I would quite happily have sex several times a day if I could
But this is most definitely going to change once DC1 arrives in September.
However sometimes we go weeks without sex, as admittedly DP does most of the work and if he's tired I don't pester.
I don't really iniate very often any more as I felt rejected too many times (not his fault).

My point is, I'm still very happy in my life, I would never consider cheating, and if I'm really desperate I take things into my own hands
It's certainly not something I'd want my DP to worry about isn't happening enough, as long as there's regular intimacy in other ways I.e kissing, holding hands, saying I love you etc then that's enough.

I do think you're DH needs to not guilt trip you on this.

Once a week sounds pretty reasonable to me at this point in your lives! It’s hard with young kids. The only thing I would say is that he needs to do one early wake up on a weekend and let you have a lie in. It’s not fair that you get up every morning when you’ve done the night wakings too. He’s being a bit selfish there. It doesn’t matter that the kids prefer you - they need to learn that they can’t always have you. He takes them downstairs and distracts them and deals with it for a couple of hours! If it’s that bad he can take them out for a walk and let you get a bit of rest and me-time. It’s relentless having babies and toddlers and a break at the weekend would probably do you the world of good!

We are generally once a week, though will skip it if one of us is tired/unwell/I'm on my period. As far as I can tell from my friends with similar age kids that's pretty average.

When they were babies it was practically never!

Could you suggest your partner heads off for some alone time to masturbate in the evening? Maybe he feels guilty for doing it or something and needs you to suggest it! I'm fairly sure this is what my partner was doing while the kids were babies though I never asked outright.

Just to add that my dh has always been good at getting up on a morning with the kids knowing that I’ve done night wakings (breastfed for quite a long time and neither slept through until at least age 2) and although the kids preferred me they accepted this fine because it just became routine. Saturday dad gets up with them, Sunday it’s mummy (or vice versa). He put the tv on or did pictures / painting with them and I think it’s a good lesson for them in caring for mummy as well, i.e. “ssshhh, we’re letting mummy have a lie in today because she’s very tired from looking after us all, let’s make a nice painting for mummy when she wakes up!” Etc etc… my kids are a bit older now and are very caring towards me and I thank their dad really for that because he’s always shown consideration towards me and demonstrated that to them as well, that mummy is a person who needs looking after as well, not just there to care for everyone else and run herself ragged!

He needs to take them out the house occasionally so you can have a nap. If they're at the park he'll be fine. Alternative is you pop out for a walk. I think you're basically touched out and knackered, it's no surprise you're not keen! It takes a few weeks to feel the difference but give it a go, it really helps.

TBH I think in your case with twins as well ,you are doing OK for once a week! Women usually have a lower drive than men when they have DC to care for,add in periods(Tiring and draining),often working outside the home as well .DC often want Mummy as their parent of choice too! He is being a little self centred here . Twice a week seems to be a lot and it should be if you feel in the mood too .Not all about what he wants!

Young kids are exhausting and when mine were that age it felt like a win if we were managing once a month.

Aa the kids got older we progressed to twice a week. Sadly, I have now developed a chronic pain condition which has put us back to once a month if we're lucky.

I would say, back when DH was in his late 20's/early 30's and our kids were young DH really struggled with the lack of sex and we have had some blazing rows about it as to him it felt like I wasnt attracted to him or didnt love him when for me I was (like you) a SAHM and bloody exhausted. Now, with a bit more maturing DH doesnt feel that way anymore and seems to understand more that no sex doesnt mean I dont love him.

Surely he doesn’t work 24/7 7 days a week? He could get up on a Saturday night and let you have the Sunday morning lie in to attempt to catch up. Never mind demanding sex twice a week. We all have needs but if he wants you to meet his he needs to ask himself is he meeting yours. You need help and rest and time to yourself. You sound like you’ve had a tough time early on so look after yourself and tell him what you need. I am a nurse so my (now) ex would get up with our kids as I was nights or whatever so there was no wanting just mummy. If he gets up with them too it will help to eliminate that and you can be a team.
Hope things settle down soon with bedtimes op

@Isonthecase

He needs to take them out the house occasionally so you can have a nap. If they're at the park he'll be fine. Alternative is you pop out for a walk. I think you're basically touched out and knackered, it's no surprise you're not keen! It takes a few weeks to feel the difference but give it a go, it really helps.

This.

Every clinginess situation is different, but I think a lot of the time if the non-requested parent just sticks at it, the situation will improve. I'd suggest you start to split the early mornings 50 50. This might kill two birds with one stone - you'll be less tired, and he'll have a better bond with the kids and they might shout for you less. It's win win!

You are doing ok i sounds perfectly within normal

There is only so much of you and I think explaining ha you do want but you are tired and responsible for so much that adding in his satisfaction onto you is putting more responsibility onto you.

Does he realise how tired you are - has he tried o plough on without getting you

You need an afternoon nap.

He needs to take the twins out of the house and keep them really well occupied, tire them out, regularly.

When you have caught up on sleep you may well feel better.