Can a relationship work if you're both on very different levels academically?

MolliciousIntent · 16/04/2022 21:54

Honestly, this is a really weird way to think about things. Something about it gives me the ick. Sounds like you're projecting. Did you previously date men in manual jobs in order to feel superior? Do you think people who work physical jobs aren't intelligent?

PermanentTemporary · 16/04/2022 21:57

I dated an academic casually and found it difficult because I'm much much too focused on hierarchy in relationships. There was no actual issue with it between us but there was in my head. Therapy has helped a bit. Just run forward and jump off the board, you might enjoy yourself!

Original poster

Finalcountdown567 · 16/04/2022 21:58

@MolliciousIntent

Honestly, this is a really weird way to think about things. Something about it gives me the ick. Sounds like you're projecting. Did you previously date men in manual jobs in order to feel superior? Do you think people who work physical jobs aren't intelligent?

Definitely not what I said. If that's what i thought, I'd just say it. Not my fault you've decided to unpick and analyse what I'm saying completely incorrectly. Previously I've dated men who don't have advanced levels of academia.

OP posts:

Vsirbdo · 16/04/2022 21:58

I think you’re over thinking this; I have a friend who is similar to the man you describe and he’s very knowledgeable on his subject area but you’d never feel inferior to him in general conversation or even when talking about his subject area as he’s a nice person.
I have 2 degrees while DH never went to university yet he’s more knowledgeable in a lot of ways as he’s more interested in a range of subjects whereas I’m more focused into one area.
I do think you need to go into this without reading too much into his academic side though otherwise you’ll look for what supports your view and risk presenting like you’ve got a chip on your shoulder about it. Be proud of yourself and what you achieved and don’t do yourself down when you talk to him.

GeneLovesJezebel · 16/04/2022 21:58

Just date him. You’re not going on Mastermind.

alsok · 16/04/2022 22:03

I have a PhD and my partner of 18 years only has GCSEs, hasn't impacted our ability to have a successful relationship 🤨

SucculentChalice · 16/04/2022 22:05

Mumsnet is full of women with degrees married to men who earn 6 figures but who work in trades...

Personally I wouldn't date someone without a degree, but I wouldn't be too choosy about the type or level. I actually wish I could date one of these mythical millionaire tradesmen who could converse on a range of intellectually stimulating subjects as well as accompany me to the opera and ballet, but all the ones I've ever met are wide boys. Might be where I lived (Scotland). Although I do have a friend married to a very nice builder. I think she snapped him up quickly.

Sorry not very helpful OP but given that men generally witter on about how high achieving/highly educated women put them off and you have a degree anyway, I think you're selling yourself short. By a considerable margin. I bet this man doesn't care if you have a degree or not.

cakedelights · 16/04/2022 22:08

I have zero GCSES with a poor academic background due to moving around different schools til I went to a specialist school for the deaf. I used to feel beneath educated people. I then went on to get a 1st class degree through blood & sweat 😓. Due to that experience i wouldn't ever let anyone feel below me or me higher than them. I am very humble & no different from the rest, just knowledgeable in a particular subject area!

Wren44 · 16/04/2022 22:10

Academic achievements are often over romanticised. Just about any one can be trained/tutored to within an inch of their lives, to do well academically. However, natural and true intelligence is entirely a different and infinitely different state of being. Some of the most of the most educated people I have bet have no clue about almost Jack shit. Ostensibly, I have met some of the most intelligent and intellectually cognitive people but who had a basic education.

Iggly · 16/04/2022 22:10

Unless you’re having a conversation about his particular PhD, what does it matter?

My DH has done masters but I’ve “only” done an under grad. Seriously- not an issue.

Original poster

Finalcountdown567 · 16/04/2022 22:11

@cakedelights

I have zero GCSES with a poor academic background due to moving around different schools til I went to a specialist school for the deaf. I used to feel beneath educated people. I then went on to get a 1st class degree through blood & sweat 😓. Due to that experience i wouldn't ever let anyone feel below me or me higher than them. I am very humble & no different from the rest, just knowledgeable in a particular subject area!

I suppose this is the best way to think of it, although he's well educated, he's educated in a particular field. He doesn't know everything about everything! Thank you for commenting with such inspiration 😊

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D0lphine · 16/04/2022 22:14

Meh. You have a degree and a decent job and so does he. I don't see you being academically mis- matched at all.

PonyPatter44 · 16/04/2022 22:17

Did the men you've dated before think you were somehow "too good" for them? I doubt they did. So just go out with Dr Smartypants and see if you like him.

I have a masters, my DP has CSEs and a couple of O-levels. He is hugely intelligent, he's just not formally educated. It certainly doesn't mean he is beneath me, intellectually.

caecilius1 · 16/04/2022 22:18

@Wren44

Academic achievements are often over romanticised. Just about any one can be trained/tutored to within an inch of their lives, to do well academically. However, natural and true intelligence is entirely a different and infinitely different state of being. Some of the most of the most educated people I have bet have no clue about almost Jack shit. Ostensibly, I have met some of the most intelligent and intellectually cognitive people but who had a basic education.

Eh? Your post doesn't' make any sense whatsoever but I'm suspecting you have an enormous chip on your shoulder. To answer the OP question, I think you are on this man's intellectual level from what you've written but you're underselling yourself. Most of my friends, colleagues, family are evenly matched in terms of academic achievements. So I'd say it could work if there was a big disparity but it's not the norm.

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2022 22:19

this is more so for my fear of inferiority than anything else

You need to address that, because it’s really quite toxic. I know someone who constantly puts themselves down as being inferior to other more educated people because they didn’t get a degree or indeed finish their A levels. (They’d be perfectly capable of both, btw.) But they’re super successful and respected in their field. Their fear of being inferior meant they got into an abusive relationship, though, because they didn’t (& don’t) value their own worth.

At the end of the day (or date!), if he’s made you feel relaxed, is easy to talk to and good company, and you like him, what difference does his level of education or his job make to you? None, should be the answer.

Mumdiva99 · 16/04/2022 22:24

Personally I don't think it's about academics but about similar intellect and shared experiences. Do you have enough in common to talk about. If so qualifications are meaningless.

Sarkymarky · 16/04/2022 22:25

I have 3 degrees and very knowledgeable in my area my dh has no formal qualifications he is in a manual job but he is very knowledgeable about lots of different areas whereas I have no clue. We all have something to bring to the party stop over thinking and have some fun xx

Didimum · 16/04/2022 22:25

@caecilius1 She’s saying that formal education and qualifications aren’t necessarily an indicator of being on the same level as someone intellectually. Not sure why you found that so difficult to understand or saw reason to throw insults.

HairyMuttttt · 16/04/2022 22:26

Wouldn’t make a difference to me. I know very capable bright people without degrees and some incapable people with degrees.

SarahBellam · 16/04/2022 22:27

It’s only a qualification. It doesn’t say anything about who he is as a person. Is he kind? Funny? A good person? Is he attractive to you? It doesn’t matter to him, so why should it matter to you?

Hoplesscynic · 16/04/2022 22:27

What if you had a PhD and so successful career but in a completely different field- say Sociology and he was Biology. You still wouldn't be "academic" in each other's field,perhaps very different interests too. All I'm trying to say us, it doesn't come down to a degree. And if he were a snobby type who thought you were "below" him for this reason, he wouldn't be dating you.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 16/04/2022 22:27

I can see where you're coming from, my DH is academic and very one set mind, however I'm the practical one who makes our family life work. He would not have a clue on a day to day basis how our home life works! He's very intelligent though!
DH is a lawyer, I had a degree but don't use it, however I work for a rival law firm!

Original poster

Finalcountdown567 · 16/04/2022 22:32

@ranoutofquinoaandprosecco

I can see where you're coming from, my DH is academic and very one set mind, however I'm the practical one who makes our family life work. He would not have a clue on a day to day basis how our home life works! He's very intelligent though! DH is a lawyer, I had a degree but don't use it, however I work for a rival law firm!

Love this 😊

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QueenCamilla · 16/04/2022 22:36

Different levels academically - not an issue. Difference in Intelligence however =trouble.

Wren44 · 16/04/2022 22:38

@ caecilius1

What? How dismissive. I have no chip on my shoulder. It’s just a real life observation.