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Original poster

Can a relationship work if you're both on very different levels academically?

81 replies

Finalcountdown567 · 16/04/2022 21:52

I've historically dated men who have very manual jobs. Think builder, gas man, highway maintenance.
Matched with someone on tinder who is streets above me on an academic level. Think degrees, masters and a PhD. He now has a very successful career in his field in the city... I have an undergraduate degree that has not contributed to my current job. I've always had good jobs but I don't have a career.
The chat between us is really good and he seems very down to earth. He's suggested meeting up and as much as I do want to. I just feel like I'm going to feel inferior to him as intellectually he's way above me.. I consider myself intelligent but not on an academic level.. I was just wondering if anyone else is in a relationship where there are academic differences and how it's worked out.. I will just meet him as its just a date, this is more so for my fear of inferiority than anything else..

OP posts:
Donkeyswife · 16/04/2022 22:41

If you like him, date him. If he makes you feel great, then great.
Me and my husband have a wide difference in education - no big deal for us, we love each other and enjoy each other's company and that is what matters.

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/04/2022 22:45

I've historically dated men who have very manual jobs. Think builder, gas man, highway maintenance

Those relationships obviously didn’t work out though or you wouldn’t be online dating.
Maybe this man is more suitable?

Dh and I had very different upbringings and qualifications but I adore him.

KohlaParasaurus · 16/04/2022 22:46

Meet him with an open mind, OP. The slight mismatch in your academic achievements (you're BOTH more than adequately educated) is small print compared to the real relationship dealmakers and dealbreakers.

emmetgirl · 16/04/2022 22:48

I have 2 Masters degrees and DH hasn't even got a single GCSE. Certainly not an issue for us.

Nougat987 · 16/04/2022 22:51

I'm a doctor and am embarrassed now to think of how snobbish I was with dating previously. Would only date someone with a degree or successful. Well that worked out well. Now blissfully happy In a relationship with a (very clever) plumber for the past 2years. Don't notice any gap in witty conversation.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 16/04/2022 22:57

I think being open minded matters more. If someone is open minded that is far more interesting than academic achievement.

MigsandTiggs · 16/04/2022 23:01

Don't overthink and go for it OP! I have a Masters, two Post-Grad diplomas and I'm interested in everything. DH only had O'levels but worked his way up to General Manager of an international company and on experience, was accepted as a member of the Society of Petroleum Engineers. If he was starting out today, he probably wouldn't even get an interview. I always told him that he was capable of studying at degree level, and in fact, that he could even lecture in his specialist area where he was a global champion. We used to talk on all sorts of topics and I did manage to drag him to the ballet twice in 44 years. I "introduced" him to art by taking him to see about six paintings at a time in art exhibitions and we ending up visiting museums and art galleries around the world.
My point is that it's not academic level that's important in a relationship but having a similar level of intelligence, values and common interests.

pointythings · 16/04/2022 23:13

You've got a degree and didn't make it into your career. He did. There isn't necessarily any gap between you intellectually - you're both very intelligent people with a depth of knowledge about your subject and (hopefully) a thoughtful outlook on the world. I'd just go for it.

Educational differences aren't a deal breaker unless there isn't mutual respect. I had an issue with my late husband because I am degree educated and he wasn't - and he had a massive self esteem issue, so he compensated by putting down my 'university education' at every opportunity. It was his insecurity and contempt that was the problem, not the difference itself.

NeverChange · 16/04/2022 23:19

I'm academically very intelligent but completely lack savviness, street smarts, and any manual or creative intelligence whatsoever.

I am drawn to and attracted to those who have everything I don't and what I consider a much more useful & enviable form of intelligent. It makes for a good balance.

Don't dismiss him, he isn't dismissing you. At least give it a chance, you might be surprised how well suited you are.

Dilbertian · 16/04/2022 23:42

Think degrees, masters and a PhD. He now has a very successful career in his field in the city... I have an undergraduate degree that has not contributed to my current job. I've always had good jobs but I don't have a career.

That describes dh and me to a T.

Together 25y, married with kids.

I do not think of myself as intelligent. We complement each other, we have different strengths.

Anyway, his academic achievements are just the icing. I need an intelligent man with a desire to achieve (rather than burning ambition), and a good plumber could have been just as good for me as a PhD.

fishingforflies · 17/04/2022 00:03

All the academics I know are just people who stayed in education. Definitely not more intelligent than most professional working people. (They are not always the most well-rounded personalities either).

I have a Honours Degree & Masters and it's was a piece of piss compared to A levels. I can't be bothered with a PHD, but I know loads of people with them, honestly it's nothing special.

JoyLurking9to5 · 17/04/2022 00:17

I think it can work brilliantly if you're both emotionally very healthy. Why wouldn't it. We share 97% of our dna with a cabbage, so we shouldn't over think things. If you have a PhD you can still click with somebody who left school at 16.

I used to end up in relationships with men with qualifications (just degrees, not PhDs, although my x had a masters) but I used my (slightly) lesser intelligence in a more thoughtful way so to be honest, I think, in terms of reading the room, reacting appropriately, making decisions, planning, I always seemed to have the edge on him. My last boyfriend had a degree in philosophy (I have no degree) and we clicked completely, no issue with who was cleverest if that's a word. We both understood that there are different types of intelligence and that people have strengths and weaknesses in the range of intelligences. I did a test once and they told me my strengths were social, emotional and linguistic. Even if I were to get a degree in one of those, I don't think those degrees would be as valued economically in the work places as the things I'm not good at. Maths, science, computers, management eurhg

I know though, I did go on a few dates (OLD) with a man who had a PhD and he thought he was above me although he never said anything to me that I couldn't understand. I didn't feel there was any chasm between us intellectually" He just had it in his head that he needed somebody equally as well educated so I said ''ok''.

Dilbertian · 17/04/2022 00:26

@Dilbertian

Think degrees, masters and a PhD. He now has a very successful career in his field in the city... I have an undergraduate degree that has not contributed to my current job. I've always had good jobs but I don't have a career.

That describes dh and me to a T.

Together 25y, married with kids.

I do not think of myself as intelligent. We complement each other, we have different strengths.

Anyway, his academic achievements are just the icing. I need an intelligent man with a desire to achieve (rather than burning ambition), and a good plumber could have been just as good for me as a PhD.

Damn! I just noticed a ridiculous mistake: I do not think of myself as UNintelligent.

That's sort of my point, that the difference in our academic achievements is not really relevant.

Eightiesfan · 17/04/2022 00:33

I am educated up to Postgrad level, my DP left school with a few GCSEs. However, just because he is not academic does not make him incompatible with me or less intelligent. He has practical strengths and talents that I can only dream of having and even though it is not something that we have never felt the need to discuss in the 20 years we have been together, I have never ever felt superior to him or felt he is lacking because of grades on a piece of paper and I’m certain has never felt embarrassed because of this.

Quatrophoenix · 17/04/2022 00:38

When I was 14 I fell in love with a boy who was illiterate, and him with me. I taught hm to read and write. I was at Prep school. He was 18 and worked for Travis Perkins, then got sacked. So he worked as a gardener and got sacked for not turning up. Then his father had a baby with a random woman.

It ended when I was 18 and he smashed my face open for the second time.

If you feel so clueless about your self-worth, as I did, I suggest you learn to know yourself and value/like yourself before embarking on any relationship at all.

OnaBegonia · 17/04/2022 00:52

Have to say I'm surprised at a PP stating they won't date anyone without a degree. We all have different strengths, plenty of graduates never find work in their field and also plenty non graduates with highly successful degrees.
Sad to see such snotty judgemental people.
OP go on a date and take him as you did him.

sammylady37 · 17/04/2022 04:05

I’m a medical consultant and previously dated a plumber, for about 3 months. The disparity in qualifications didn’t bother me but what caused problems was his work ethic. He had an attitude of clocking in at 9 and not a minute earlier, and leaving at 5 and not a minute later, whereas I couldn’t do my job like that. Obviously I’m not going to walk off the ward at 5 if there’s a sick patient to be dealt with, nor am I going to leave a clinic with patients still to be seen. He thought I was a martyr for working this way 🙄 So it wasn’t the academic disparity at all, it was the attitude and ethic.

WildCoasts · 17/04/2022 04:42

Academic achievement is more about choices someone has made than capability. Someone chose to do a PhD, someone didn't. Maybe someone finds more enjoyment in a hands on trade?

It's much more important to have matched values, goals, interests and intelligence.

DockOTheBay · 17/04/2022 04:59

I know people without degrees who are far more intelligent than some people i know who do have degrees. They chose not to do one because it wasn't required for their chosen career, not because they were unable to get onto one.
Not having a degree doesn't automatically mean you're unintelligent. In fact, I would be less likely to date someone with a pointless degree subject which they've never used as it shows poor judgement.

MissMaple82 · 17/04/2022 09:22

Academics doesn't always equate to intelligence in my opinion!

me4real · 17/04/2022 09:26

If you have a degree that's still pretty good OP. It's not like you don't have any GCSE's or something.

Grantanow · 17/04/2022 09:30

We all bring different things to the table.

Darhon · 17/04/2022 09:34

I’ve got a PhD and would date people without a degree. I believe intelligence comes in many forms but we only measure one type at school. For example, I’m not entrepreneurial in the slightest. Also, like mist of the population I spend most of my time watching Netflix with my partner and discussing what we’re having for tea. We aren’t locked into highbrow discussion

justfiveminutes · 17/04/2022 09:35

This thread is astounding - the original op and some of the replies. I had no idea that people thought like this. Surely people know that there could be a hundred good reasons why someone doesn't have a degree. And a hundred good reasons why someone who has a degree isn't actually worth a minute of your time.

How on earth can a degree be a benchmark of worth? OP, if he's a decent bloke he will care more about your compatibility, kindness, humour, generosity and shared values than he does about your level of education. There will be a million topics of conversation that have nothing to do with his area of speciality. If he makes you feel inferior then he's a dick and that's got nothing to do with his degrees.

D0lphine · 17/04/2022 09:44

@justfiveminutes

I agree - of my 2 long term relationships neither had a degree and I have 2 and a masters.

Never ever an issue. Really smart blokes. The ex had dyslexia and conventional education wasn't for him. The current bf didn't have the opportunity. Both wonderful men and never short of things to say!