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Original poster

Can a relationship work if you're both on very different levels academically?

81 replies

Finalcountdown567 · 16/04/2022 21:52

I've historically dated men who have very manual jobs. Think builder, gas man, highway maintenance.
Matched with someone on tinder who is streets above me on an academic level. Think degrees, masters and a PhD. He now has a very successful career in his field in the city... I have an undergraduate degree that has not contributed to my current job. I've always had good jobs but I don't have a career.
The chat between us is really good and he seems very down to earth. He's suggested meeting up and as much as I do want to. I just feel like I'm going to feel inferior to him as intellectually he's way above me.. I consider myself intelligent but not on an academic level.. I was just wondering if anyone else is in a relationship where there are academic differences and how it's worked out.. I will just meet him as its just a date, this is more so for my fear of inferiority than anything else..

OP posts:
JenniferAlisonPhilipaSue · 17/04/2022 09:58

My DPs are different academically. DF has two degrees and has progressed very high in his career. DM has none. They married young and have been together for 50 years. However, their academic differences have been the main source of difficulty and frustration in their relationship.

DH has no degree although is currently studying one. I have several degrees. I used to earn more than him but now I earn less. I've noticed a real shift in his attitude since I changed jobs to a lower paid job than him (but one that makes me happier). Its almost like he is relieved or sees himself as being the superior now. I'm not imagining it either. I don't know if I ever made him feel like that when it was the other way.

And to the OP, deaf and disabled people like myself and the PP are not inspirational for getting degrees. We are doing something that is perfectly normal and should be seen as such. Don't patronise us.

Redberries85 · 17/04/2022 10:04

My Dad and brother both have PHD’s but are very normal down to earth blokes. They’re not going around spouting their brilliance and they are both with women who are not as highly educated as them. Don’t put yourself down

MargosKaftan · 17/04/2022 10:11

But OP, you have a degree, intellectually you are probably in a similar level.

The difference seems to be careerwise, you haven't used your degree. Is that lack of drive, chosing a career that didn't need a degree, or something else? You aren't going to be significantly less intelligent than him, but careerwise you haven't made the same choices. Do you think he'll look down on you, or do you worry you'll see you could have made different career choices?

He knows what you do for a living and still wants to meet him. You need to think why you want to only date men who have achieved the same or less than you. Do you like being the brightest/most successful in a couple?

MargosKaftan · 17/04/2022 10:12

Also worth thinking- you have tried to make relationships work in different levels academically in the past the other way, you have a degree and have dated men who don't have academic qualifications. Was the mismatch a factor in those relationships not working?

caecilius1 · 17/04/2022 10:17

@Didimum
It's the dismissive tone of @Wren44 post that annoyed me but the bit I most take issue with is:

Just about any one can be trained/tutored to within an inch of their lives, to do well academically.

That's a statement that's incorrect and offensive. 16% of the UK population are below average IQ, with 1.5million adults having a learning disability. They are the actual stats.

caecilius1 · 17/04/2022 10:18

Sorry to the OP for going off tangent.

Wren44 · 17/04/2022 10:30

@ caecilius1

I wasn’t being dismissive of anyone, this is just my observation. IQ tests are an outdated and archaic form of assessing intelligence and cognitive ability. And in no way was i being dismissive of people with learning disability.

chisanunian · 17/04/2022 10:42

I'd say it can work as long as one isn't condescending towards the other.

Cheesechips · 17/04/2022 10:43

I would definitely go on a date and see how it goes. It could definitely work. I bet you're both intelligent people. Just because he has a PHD doesn't mean he is or will feel superior to you.

caecilius1 · 17/04/2022 14:02

It doesn't change the amount of adults with a LD in the UK, whichever way you measure.

Aimee1987 · 17/04/2022 14:04

I have a PhD DP has a degree.
My PhD gives me a ridiculous amount of knowledge in an incredibly specialised area ( the nature of PhDs) but doesnt make me unapproachable or academically miles away from friends and family who dont.

girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 14:09

I think it's strange you're just speaking and haven't eat met yet but you already know he has a PhD Hmm

DP is a chartered accountant, I only have GCSEs. We muddle along just fine.

Original poster
Finalcountdown567 · 17/04/2022 14:17

@girlmom21

I think it's strange you're just speaking and haven't eat met yet but you already know he has a PhD Hmm

DP is a chartered accountant, I only have GCSEs. We muddle along just fine.

Na more really. He's put on his profile his education level is PhD level. Don't see how that's strange. You're the strange one for thinking that. Utterly ridiculous.
OP posts:
JennieLee · 17/04/2022 14:18

I think in terms of meeting up, it really shouldn't matter that one of you works in an academic field and one of you doesn't.

A lot will depend on whether you have common interests and compatible personalities, rather than similar career trajectories.

Personally I cannot imagine getting close to someone who didn't share some of my hobbies - reading, discussing art and politics, walking etc. So if someone had chosen to leave school at the first opportunity and not bothered to pursue any active interests since the then I suspect the conversation would dry up very quickly.

But that's not the situation that you are in....

girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 14:18

Utterly ridiculous Grin funny.

Original poster
Finalcountdown567 · 17/04/2022 14:23

@MargosKaftan

But OP, you have a degree, intellectually you are probably in a similar level.

The difference seems to be careerwise, you haven't used your degree. Is that lack of drive, chosing a career that didn't need a degree, or something else? You aren't going to be significantly less intelligent than him, but careerwise you haven't made the same choices. Do you think he'll look down on you, or do you worry you'll see you could have made different career choices?

He knows what you do for a living and still wants to meet him. You need to think why you want to only date men who have achieved the same or less than you. Do you like being the brightest/most successful in a couple?

Basically I only went to university to appease my parents. I chose a completely useless degree to do. And then fell into the line of work I did in the city. I spent many years in the city and worked my way up in two of my jobs. I decided to leave the city once I became a parent, I do the same type of job now but in a health care setting now. I never needed my degree in my jobs.
OP posts:
JoyLurking9to5 · 17/04/2022 14:25

@OnaBegonia

Have to say I'm surprised at a PP stating they won't date anyone without a degree. We all have different strengths, plenty of graduates never find work in their field and also plenty non graduates with highly successful degrees. Sad to see such snotty judgemental people. OP go on a date and take him as you did him.
Yeh, education is supposed to broaden the mind. Not give you a reason to look down on people
annabell22 · 17/04/2022 14:31

When I met my exH, I hadn't finished my OU degree and he had been to Oxford Uni and had a PhD from Imperial College. He was an asshole and none of that mattered.

Incidentally, I now have two Masters degrees and I'm a doctoral student. DH is global VP for a company listed on the New York stock exchange and he left school at 16. He is not an asshole and that is what matters.

Snoozer11 · 17/04/2022 14:44

It wouldn't even cross my mind to be bothered by this.

I know a doctor married to a man who doesn't have any A levels. He's not academic but not is he an idiot. They're very happy.

Ceebeegee · 17/04/2022 14:51

@Finalcountdown567
I understand where you're coming from, because I wondered the same when I first met my current partner. I was really worried our stark difference in higher education would be a problem , and I would feel like a dumb idiot compared to professionals at the top of their game. I went into an apprenticeship after GCSEs and I'm in a business role whereas my parter is a degree educated professional . Turns out I was worrying about nothing , it's not a problem at all . We have great conversations (nothing too high brow) and quite often I beat them when we're watching Mastermind and Only Connect Grin.

Go for the date, honestly it's an non-issue :)

Firelogbridge · 17/04/2022 15:14

I have an undergrad, Masters and doctorate, one from these from Oxbridge. My dh failed his a levels but recently completed a foundation degree through the OU. Academically I've achieved more, but he has more knowledge than me! He's the type of person you'd want on your team for quiz night. Qualifications are not everything. We've been happily married for 15 years. Give it a chance and be confident in yourself.

layladomino · 17/04/2022 16:16

People who are more academically intelligent aren't superior.

They may be more academically intelligent. They aren't necessarily more emotionally intelligent, more sensible, more practical, more thoughtful, more funny, better company, more attentive, more caring, harder working.....

If you think that being so much 'cleverer' than you makes him better, then did you think you were better than the 'manual worker' people you dated?

girlmom21 · 17/04/2022 16:18

Genuine question: is putting your education level on your online dating bio a standard thing?

If it's not, I'd assume it's important to him.

ErinAndTonic · 17/04/2022 16:18

What does it matter?

Meet up, and if you connect and both enjoy the conversation and it's not awkward, great. If not, they're not the right match.

To me that's the same irrelevant of job type/studiousness!

MargosKaftan · 17/04/2022 17:07

@Finalcountdown567 - so its not an intellectual mismatch but a career mismatch that worries you? Because you know you are bright enough to do this but had no interest.

Again look the other side, you have been vastly more academically qualified than your previous partners, was it an issue? You have consistently chosen to date men with significantly lower levels of qualification than you (even if they earned the same /more) , did it matter? If not, why would it matter now?

He could be an arse. He could be lovely. If this is your only reason to not pursue it, how would you feel if one of your exs had dismissed you on the grounds you were too highly qualified?

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