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Original poster

Do I chase him?

79 replies

WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 13:42

So, you'd never guess I was a fully functioning adult woman of 48 with a divorce and dating behind me when you read this... I sound like a confused teenager.

At the beginning of lockdown I joined Meetup and kept running into a guy there who I got on well with, lots of cheeky banter on both sides. I was seeing someone which I was open about. Had the odd private message on the Meetup site, but when the pubs closed I didn't see him again for 18 months, I stopped going to any events.

Few weeks ago I get a private message from him saying he'd been thinking of me, hoped I was well and did I want to go to a Sunday Meetup outing with him, he'd come and pick me up. I'm single now. Once again got on brilliantly, and at the end there was a quick kiss on the lips. I sent the odd message about something we'd discussed, and he replied, but nothing flirty. Two weeks later he queried if I was going to the next event and I decided to, and offered him a lift this time. Similarly, got on well, and he invited me in for a coffee. He told me he's too old for me (14 years older, but our kids are similarly aged), but they told me he goes for younger women. And I think he's on Match so looking.

When I left another kiss on the lips, and yes we'll see each again at some point etc etc...haven't had any messages since.

Next Sunday we are both child free but there's no Meet up event planned.

I'm annoyed because we get on really easily and well, and what's with the kisses...

I just have to chalk him down to not interested in anything more don't I?

OP posts:
CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 13:47

Never case a man. Let him do the running, if he isn't then it's not your place to do the running.

The whole asking you to meetup events rather than just out on your own is a bit weird tbh. Especially given you've kissed so he clearly knows you're interested.

Tbh I'd be suss about any man who goes for significantly younger woman as a habit. What's wrong with woman his own age?

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 13:48

Chase a man obviously...

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/04/2022 13:51

Let him chase you!

Sweepingeyelashes · 15/04/2022 13:51

Um, he's a 62 year old with youngish(?) children who goes for younger women. Doesn't this tell you all you need to know? Now I know there are happy couples with big age differences but on a purely objective basis you're probably going to be happier longer with somebody a bit closer to your age. I suppose you have to admire his stamina because I don't think you are the only one he is leading on.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 13:52

I thought he was mid 50s, he's fit and really doesn't look his age, and will early teen children I can see that a woman his age might be a little put off.

By chase, I meant suggest a walk or something next weekend, not turning up at his door in lingerie and a smile Grin

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 15/04/2022 13:52

How old are you both? The age gap seems to make him cautious which is sensible as it maters when you both get older.

I definitely wouldn't chase him.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 13:54

I'm 48, he's 62.

His ex, wife is early 50s apparently

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 15/04/2022 13:56

He's invited you out (albeit in a group) twice and both times have ended nicely. It's your turn to invite him!

LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 14:08

I'd take the bull by the horns her OP. You can't go on dancing around the issue like this. You need to know where things stand one way or another. I'd send a message saying

"Seeing we're both free on x, do you fancy doing x or something similar? Would be good to spend some time with you".

He'll either accept, suggest alternative or decline. If he declines, then its time to move on.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 14:10

If he declines I'll leave Meetup, burn my phone and move countries in embarrassment.

But yes, I may suggest a walk Blush

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 15/04/2022 14:16

"..it's not your place to do the running."

Bloody hell did we go back to the 1950s whilst I was asleep?

coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2022 14:25

Good luck!

Jaxinthebox · 15/04/2022 14:30

I think you need to ask him if he wants to do something - a walk/lunch and see what happens. He will either say yes or no.

seensome · 15/04/2022 14:35

He's already told you that he's too old for you (trying to let you down gently)
I think he only ever saw you as 'fun' you were already seeing someone when you first met, anyone decent would run a mile.
He's on match looking, meaning he hasn't found what he's looking for.

I wouldn't be that desperate going in for a 'coffee' so soon or chasing him for more.

Puffalicious · 15/04/2022 14:39

It's not that I think a woman shouldn't do any running, I don't think anyone should do the running: if you're into each other you're into each other and that's it.

Throughout my life the people I've seen most hurt are the ones who do chase, and it's clear that the partners are just not that into them. I've always been slightly unavailable at the start of relationships, so I can see if they're actually interested: it's pretty clear pretty quickly.

I'm saying that as someone happily settled for a long time, so perhaps things have changed in 12 years?

Good luck: if it's to be, it'll be.

scoobydoo1971 · 15/04/2022 14:48

If you want some no strings fun, contact him and suggest anything you want. Take direct action, but don't get into illusions that this man is a keeper. He has form for younger women, and he has told you he is 'too old' for you. That translates that he is not too old for a feel up in the back of car, but too old for a committed relationship. If he uses dating apps, he could have a dozen women on the go right now. I would tread with caution with this one. Use your head and not your heart. He did not contact you for a long period of time, which suggests there may have been some other woman keeping him amused. I wouldn't put effort into any man who goes for younger women. He may look young for his age, but things may change in ten years from now. It suggests he is all looks focused and values youth, and not looking for long term relationships with a partner who has experienced similar things, on an equal footing and has a similar history.

Sarkymarky · 15/04/2022 14:50

OP do you think when he said he was too old for you he was expecting you to say no of course you are not. How did you reply or did you leave it hanging in the air
Please suggest a coffee or lunch if he says no you will know where you stand. Wish you good luck op xx

ronjobbins · 15/04/2022 15:01

@CrumpetStrumpet

Never case a man. Let him do the running, if he isn't then it's not your place to do the running.

The whole asking you to meetup events rather than just out on your own is a bit weird tbh. Especially given you've kissed so he clearly knows you're interested.

Tbh I'd be suss about any man who goes for significantly younger woman as a habit. What's wrong with woman his own age?

not your place

The 1950’s are calling, they want you back @CrumpetStrumpet Hmm

ListeningButNotHearing · 15/04/2022 15:13

No I wouldn't chase him; let him do a little bit more running and see what his intensions are first.

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 15:14

@ronjobbins People can crack the 1950s jokes all they like. I'll still stand firm.

If a man likes you you'll know about it. Men aren't stupid. If they want you they don't want to risk losing you by faffing about. If this man was really interested then he'd be making his interest known.

The op is welcome to knock herself out asking him for a walk. I'm willing to bet my house it will just end in a load of mind games and her ultimately disappointed.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2022 15:14

I agree with @CrumpetStrumpet on not chasing a man. You can deny biology all you want, but men are biologically programmed to go after what they want.

If they aren't chasing you, then they don't want you. Even the shyest of men (my son) will take the initiative with a woman he wants.

Biut if you want one of those 'passive reciprocation' relationships, where you are always the one responsible for initiating everything and organising everything - yeah, sure, you invite him.

The early days set the tone. If you want a man who is romantic and takes the initiative and shows his appreciation of you - don't chase.

Plenty of time for a woman to take the initiative when the relationship is more established.

CandyLeBonBon · 15/04/2022 15:18

@ChristmasFluff

I agree with *@CrumpetStrumpet* on not chasing a man. You can deny biology all you want, but men are biologically programmed to go after what they want.

If they aren't chasing you, then they don't want you. Even the shyest of men (my son) will take the initiative with a woman he wants.

Biut if you want one of those 'passive reciprocation' relationships, where you are always the one responsible for initiating everything and organising everything - yeah, sure, you invite him.

The early days set the tone. If you want a man who is romantic and takes the initiative and shows his appreciation of you - don't chase.

Plenty of time for a woman to take the initiative when the relationship is more established.

Bullshit
LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 15:22

@WanderingLost167

If he declines I'll leave Meetup, burn my phone and move countries in embarrassment.

But yes, I may suggest a walk Blush

Grin Come on OP! Treat it no differently to suggesting a catch up with any other friend, because that's all you're doing. If he agrees, you can let us know how it went. Its 2022, he's already initiated and done the running around, you need to meet halfway
ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2022 15:25

@CandyLeBonBon I bow to your superior reasoning and expository skills

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 15:27

@ChristmasFluff Exactly :)