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Original poster

Do I chase him?

79 replies

WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 13:42

So, you'd never guess I was a fully functioning adult woman of 48 with a divorce and dating behind me when you read this... I sound like a confused teenager.

At the beginning of lockdown I joined Meetup and kept running into a guy there who I got on well with, lots of cheeky banter on both sides. I was seeing someone which I was open about. Had the odd private message on the Meetup site, but when the pubs closed I didn't see him again for 18 months, I stopped going to any events.

Few weeks ago I get a private message from him saying he'd been thinking of me, hoped I was well and did I want to go to a Sunday Meetup outing with him, he'd come and pick me up. I'm single now. Once again got on brilliantly, and at the end there was a quick kiss on the lips. I sent the odd message about something we'd discussed, and he replied, but nothing flirty. Two weeks later he queried if I was going to the next event and I decided to, and offered him a lift this time. Similarly, got on well, and he invited me in for a coffee. He told me he's too old for me (14 years older, but our kids are similarly aged), but they told me he goes for younger women. And I think he's on Match so looking.

When I left another kiss on the lips, and yes we'll see each again at some point etc etc...haven't had any messages since.

Next Sunday we are both child free but there's no Meet up event planned.

I'm annoyed because we get on really easily and well, and what's with the kisses...

I just have to chalk him down to not interested in anything more don't I?

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 15:27

And you're not chasing him, he chased you and got your attention. You're now taking up the invite to interact with him by suggesting a meet up

CrumpetStrumpet · 15/04/2022 15:31

The op should be matching his energy, not exceeding it. At the VERY most I'd say wait until the next group meet up and ask if he's going. By suggesting a solo meet she's effectively asking him on a date and I'm sorry but that's his job. People can say it's just freida meeting but this unless this guy lives under a rock he'll know exactly what it's about.

LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 15:39

@CrumpetStrumpet

The op should be matching his energy, not exceeding it. At the VERY most I'd say wait until the next group meet up and ask if he's going. By suggesting a solo meet she's effectively asking him on a date and I'm sorry but that's his job. People can say it's just freida meeting but this unless this guy lives under a rock he'll know exactly what it's about.

I can see your point but I think she is matching his energy. So far he's contacted her, said he's been thinking about her, wanted to go to an event with her, transported her, invited her in for coffee and kissed her on lips twice.

He's obliviously aware of age difference. He prefers a younger woman (for whatever reason) which she is. He said he thought he was too old for her as though he was looking at it from her perspective and ruling himself out to save her doing it; perhaps waiting to see if she agreed or disagreed with statement. I think she needs to give him something to go on

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 15:44

I didnt say oh no, I'm looking for a man in his 60s,how wonderful! I did say I didn't realise he was that old and I was a mere child in comparison Blush

It could simply be he doesn't fancy me

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/04/2022 15:47

I agree with everyone saying never chase a man (or a bus). Its not about it being the 50s it's about having gone round the dating scene long enough to know it simply isn't worth a womans while to pursue.

In the animal kingdom - is it the 50s if female birds don't bother chasing the male ones round the place? No. Its just basic sexual behavioural characteristics of male and female

almond123 · 15/04/2022 15:51

Do you chase him? Heck no!

First he should be asking you out.

Secondly, hes directly told you hes not interested - "Im too old for you"

Thirdly, hes shown you hes not interested in yki you because although he says hes too old for you, hes out there on dating apps chasing women of exactly your age!

Hes messing with you. Showing a bit of interest in the hopes that youll then chase after him, so that he can get laid with little efforr on his part. Hes a time waster and only after the physical. What a little boy.

Comedycook · 15/04/2022 15:55

Sounds to me like he's keeping you on the back burner in case nothing else comes up...sorry to be blunt

LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 16:00

@WanderingLost167

I didnt say oh no, I'm looking for a man in his 60s,how wonderful! I did say I didn't realise he was that old and I was a mere child in comparison Blush

It could simply be he doesn't fancy me

If that's what you've said, he would have to taken it as you not being interested and possibly backed off, which is respecting boundaries. So it may be a case of you countering that impression so he feels able to suggest another meet up or you suggest it.
Kissing twice on the lips is intimate which to me suggests feelings are mutual.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 16:05

I don't think a 14 year age gap is wrong when people are in their 50s and 60s. I know several couples long-term married with that age gap, and even more.

I wonder if what he meant was YOU are too old for him and he's looking for some arm candy? That would tie in with what his children told you BUT how come his kids told you that when you have only seen him a couple of times?

He told me he's too old for me (14 years older, but our kids are similarly aged), but they told me he goes for younger women

His kids sound rather precocious.

How are they commenting on his dating choices? Weird!

Maybe he's a 2-date guy and he asked to see you again, to make up his mind. You got on fine, it seems, but maybe no huge spark for either of you- or him?

It sounds as if he's playing the field to me and keeping it casual.

If that suits you and you want a FWB, go for it. You have nothing to lose by asking him out. He will either say yes or no.

Fuzzyhippo · 15/04/2022 16:06

I've always done the chasing and it got me nowhere. Infact, the majority declined my offer to get to know one another. This time I'll let them do the chasing. Being rejected hurts far too much

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 16:06

@supercali77

I agree with everyone saying never chase a man (or a bus). Its not about it being the 50s it's about having gone round the dating scene long enough to know it simply isn't worth a womans while to pursue.

In the animal kingdom - is it the 50s if female birds don't bother chasing the male ones round the place? No. Its just basic sexual behavioural characteristics of male and female

Bollocks

Some men need some encouragement.

I think a 50-50 approach is fine but any more than that and some men will feel threatened and run a mile.

Itwasntmeright · 15/04/2022 16:08

In my experience the ones who say I think ‘I’m too old for you’ are interested, they are kind of throwing the ball to you.

I wouldn’t necessarily say you would be chasing him by asking if he wants to do something. He’s signalled his interest in you already.

FatFucker · 15/04/2022 16:09

@seensome

He's already told you that he's too old for you (trying to let you down gently) I think he only ever saw you as 'fun' you were already seeing someone when you first met, anyone decent would run a mile. He's on match looking, meaning he hasn't found what he's looking for.

I wouldn't be that desperate going in for a 'coffee' so soon or chasing him for more.

Yes OP I'd say he wasn't feeling it and was trying to let you down gently.

I don't think he's that into you. If he was you'd know about it.

writergirl007 · 15/04/2022 16:16

Saying "I'm too old for you" is his way of putting the idea of the two of you as a couple in your head.... Who says that to just a mate?

It's in his head and your head so I'd say go for it... You're friends and totally normal to see if your friend fancies a walk/coffee next weekend. He's already made the first two moves. Good luck.

MarineBlue33 · 15/04/2022 16:16

Don't ever chase a guy OP
You won't feel secure

supercali77 · 15/04/2022 16:19

@JinglingHellsBells I agree on some encouragement...but isn't kissing a man back encouragement enough?

Also this is a grown arse man in his 60s with grown kids who's managed to kiss OP all by himself!

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 16:22

I'm getting mixed messages here LOL

It's just annoying that I'm dating people, and he's actually the person I feel I have the most connection with..and I think it's evident to others as someone actually asked me with we were together

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 16:24

I think the thread title/mindset isn't quite right. I think it would be better as "should I follow this up?"

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 16:32

Yes, good point, I'd agree.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 16:39

You don't have a crystal ball and neither do we.

Look at it this way...

Ask him out for something casual- a walk, a coffee, a city trip or whatever. make out you are doing it anyway and fancy some company.

He will either say yes or no.

If he says no, that's your answer, unless he qualifies it with a 'I'd love to but I'm booked that day, how about next week?'

If he says yes, see how it goes. If ,after that date, he doesn't contact you, leave it and move on.

You have nothing to lose by asking him out- just the risk of disappointment if he says no, or he doesn't ask you out again in the future.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 16:41

One thing I'm confused about OP...

Have you only seen each other on Meetups arranged by someone else? And you meet as part of the group outing?

Or have you seen each other on a 1:1 basis, outside of Meetup events?

forgotoldusername · 15/04/2022 16:41

A man who's interested wants to see you one to one, not in a group. Ignore and move on. Also when he said he's dating younger women I would have been out.

I would definitely ignore him unless he invites you on a proper date.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 16:54

@forgotoldusername

A man who's interested wants to see you one to one, not in a group. Ignore and move on. Also when he said he's dating younger women I would have been out.

I would definitely ignore him unless he invites you on a proper date.

No his CHILDREN TOLD HER he was dating younger women.

Not sure how they know or how she has met them.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 17:03

Re-read your posts.

What cheeky children he has!

You went back to his for coffee after a Meetup and they were there.
And they told you he usually goes for younger women.

What charming offspring he has.

How did he react to that?

TBH he doesn't sound super-keen as after 2 dates he'd be asking for a 1:1 date regardless of whether there was a Meetup happening.

BUT you might give out mixed signals, so just once, I'd invite him out and see where it goes.

But no more than once.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 17:07

Oh sorry, I realised my auto correct went rogue,

To clarify, he told me he tended to go got younger women. I haven't met his children, he has them on the same pattern as I've got mine (every second weekend).

Yes, only at the meet ups, except the first time he went 30 minutes out of his way to pick me up and drop me home, and last time he invited me in for coffee afterwards and we spent about 90 mins chatting

OP posts:
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