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Original poster

Do I chase him?

79 replies

WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 13:42

So, you'd never guess I was a fully functioning adult woman of 48 with a divorce and dating behind me when you read this... I sound like a confused teenager.

At the beginning of lockdown I joined Meetup and kept running into a guy there who I got on well with, lots of cheeky banter on both sides. I was seeing someone which I was open about. Had the odd private message on the Meetup site, but when the pubs closed I didn't see him again for 18 months, I stopped going to any events.

Few weeks ago I get a private message from him saying he'd been thinking of me, hoped I was well and did I want to go to a Sunday Meetup outing with him, he'd come and pick me up. I'm single now. Once again got on brilliantly, and at the end there was a quick kiss on the lips. I sent the odd message about something we'd discussed, and he replied, but nothing flirty. Two weeks later he queried if I was going to the next event and I decided to, and offered him a lift this time. Similarly, got on well, and he invited me in for a coffee. He told me he's too old for me (14 years older, but our kids are similarly aged), but they told me he goes for younger women. And I think he's on Match so looking.

When I left another kiss on the lips, and yes we'll see each again at some point etc etc...haven't had any messages since.

Next Sunday we are both child free but there's no Meet up event planned.

I'm annoyed because we get on really easily and well, and what's with the kisses...

I just have to chalk him down to not interested in anything more don't I?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 17:12

It's fine to say he thinks he's too old for you ( which begs you to contradict him and show your interest!) but it comes over as terribly crass to say he usually goes for a younger model. I'd have been offended. Bloody hell- how young does he think he can get/ go at 62!

Look- you are 48 and sound switched on.

Ask him out and stop agonising over this.

If he accepts, great , but after that date the ball is in his court.

if it all works out, tell me in good time to buy my hat :)

donquixotedelamancha · 15/04/2022 18:19

By chase, I meant suggest a walk or something next weekend, not turning up at his door in lingerie and a smile

That would certainly work :-)

Honestly a lot of MNers will tell you that you must never do the chasing and men should work hard to date you but IME it's terrible advice. My relationships started being healthy when I stopped playing games and overanalysing and started being direct about what I wanted. It sounds to me like he's been pretty clear how he feels but is unsure how you feel about the age gap.

he's actually the person I feel I have the most connection with

I think you'd be nuts not to give it a try with someone who makes you feel like this.

Catshaveiteasy · 15/04/2022 18:36

I'm more his age than yours. If I met someone in a possible romantic sense of around your age, I'd also say I was too old for them. Not because I felt I was, but because I'd feel they would think that anyway. But I'm a woman and wouldn't expect much younger men to want to get to know me. As a man he may feel he is well entitled to a younger woman, especially if his wife is early 50s. So it could have just been a flirtatious comment to test the water (and you were meant to say, of course you're not) or he may feel too insecure to go for it or he may just not be that interested. Some men like to flirt with everyone.

If you can face the possible rejection, I'd say ask to meet with him. Otherwise you'll just wonder if you missed an opportunity.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 19:04

Am I being thick?

When he said he usually goes for younger women did he mean you! OP!

I took it as meaning he wanted a woman younger than you are (48) but maybe what you meant was he saw you as the 'younger woman'!

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 19:07

I think he meant women my age really Confused

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 15/04/2022 19:11

You are overthinking it all.

Just call / text him and see what he says. Suggest a walk or something on the basis that Meetup isn't doing anything this weekend.

He can only say no. And if he says yes, enjoy the date but don't pin all your hopes on it going anywhere. Just be cool and see what happens.

He seems a bit keen considering he kissed you on the lips both times and it wasn't an actual date!

Mermaidwaves · 15/04/2022 19:35

[quote CrumpetStrumpet]@ronjobbins People can crack the 1950s jokes all they like. I'll still stand firm.

If a man likes you you'll know about it. Men aren't stupid. If they want you they don't want to risk losing you by faffing about. If this man was really interested then he'd be making his interest known.

The op is welcome to knock herself out asking him for a walk. I'm willing to bet my house it will just end in a load of mind games and her ultimately disappointed.[/quote]
Agree with this!

In theory its 2022 and things should be equal but time and again if a mans not making any effort, he's not that interested, you see it here all the time and from my own lame dating experiences.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 15/04/2022 19:37

I think I haven't necessarily given any strong indications I want to be more than friends, so I will ask if he wants to go for a dog walk next weekend. I'll update you, probably ask on Wednesday

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 15/04/2022 19:54

Sounds like a plan OP, keep us posted

AncrenneWisse · 15/04/2022 20:08

I agree with the person who said he’s asked you to meet twice so it is now your turn to ask him.

I think when he told you he tended to go for younger women, he meant you!

donquixotedelamancha · 15/04/2022 21:30

If a man likes you you'll know about it. Men aren't stupid. If they want you they don't want to risk losing you by faffing about. If this man was really interested then he'd be making his interest known.

Yes, all men are like this. It's only women who's personalities vary.

Livelovebehappy · 15/04/2022 21:36

I think when he suggested he was too old for you that he was trying to get an indication of whether you agreed with him. Maybe he feels that you might think he's too old so wants some reassurance? Life's too short to not take the initiative in this situation. I would just casually drop him a text saying as you're both child free at the weekend, does he fancy meeting up for a walk and a chat. You'll probably then get an idea of his keenness in his response.

layladomino · 16/04/2022 12:47

It isn't chasing to ask someone on a date. And it isn't up to men to do all the asking out.

If you want to be in an equal relationship then start out as an equal. Don't act as a fan-waving 'lady' waiting for her suitor to approach her. We are no longer in the 1950s.

If you always wait for the man to do the chasing you are handing over control of how and if the relationship progresses to the man every time.

Arrivederla · 16/04/2022 13:32

@ChristmasFluff

I agree with *@CrumpetStrumpet* on not chasing a man. You can deny biology all you want, but men are biologically programmed to go after what they want.

If they aren't chasing you, then they don't want you. Even the shyest of men (my son) will take the initiative with a woman he wants.

Biut if you want one of those 'passive reciprocation' relationships, where you are always the one responsible for initiating everything and organising everything - yeah, sure, you invite him.

The early days set the tone. If you want a man who is romantic and takes the initiative and shows his appreciation of you - don't chase.

Plenty of time for a woman to take the initiative when the relationship is more established.

Total nonsense.
CambsAlways · 16/04/2022 14:13

I wouldn’t be chasing him! I think he’s made it plain by saying he’s too old for you, he’s letting you down gently! I wouldn’t read anything in a kiss on the lips! You were told he goes for younger women! I would bet a pound to a penny you are not the only one, I’m not against contacting a man if I was free and single yes why not!

Dancer47 · 16/04/2022 14:34

@ChristmasFluff

I agree with *@CrumpetStrumpet* on not chasing a man. You can deny biology all you want, but men are biologically programmed to go after what they want.

If they aren't chasing you, then they don't want you. Even the shyest of men (my son) will take the initiative with a woman he wants.

Biut if you want one of those 'passive reciprocation' relationships, where you are always the one responsible for initiating everything and organising everything - yeah, sure, you invite him.

The early days set the tone. If you want a man who is romantic and takes the initiative and shows his appreciation of you - don't chase.

Plenty of time for a woman to take the initiative when the relationship is more established.

Facts. Spot on.
JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 14:39

I wouldnt bother. With that age gap he should be trying to win you over, make some effort.

If he likes you that is.

I would just leave it. You kissed him back. He knows you like him. Dont follow it up.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/04/2022 15:05

@JoyLurking9to5

I wouldnt bother. With that age gap he should be trying to win you over, make some effort.

If he likes you that is.

I would just leave it. You kissed him back. He knows you like him. Dont follow it up.

that age gap @JoyLurking9to5.

You are joking I assume?

It's 14 years not 40.

An age gap of that much when someone is almost 50 is nothing.
'Win her over' because she's younger?

What an odd way to think about it.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/04/2022 15:07

Plenty of time for a woman to take the initiative when the relationship is more established.

Utter tripe.

How can anyone take the initiative once a relationship is underway// established? Totally illogical.

It's 2022.
If a woman has been invited out TWICE by someone then she's completely at liberty to ask them out for a walk.

The only risk is rejection and disappointment.

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 16:05

Well that is your low bar @jinglinghellsbells
No way would i be chasing after a man 14 years older than i am. He"d have to demonstrate clearly he was worth it.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/04/2022 16:33

@JoyLurking9to5

Well that is your low bar *@jinglinghellsbells* No way would i be chasing after a man 14 years older than i am. He"d have to demonstrate clearly he was worth it.
How can he show he's worth it after 2 walks?

You seem obsessed with the age gap.

She's asking him to go on a walk with the dogs. Not turning up in her negligee asking to stay the night.

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 17:51

Ofgs, not everybody wants to chase after a man 14 years older. Stop making me defend my posts again. Ive done so already. If making all the effort for a man this much older is your gig, fine, but dont expect everybody else to agree

JinglingHellsBells · 16/04/2022 18:55

Clearly @JoyLurking9to5 you have a pretty fixed mindset about age and age gaps. Having had a relationship with a partner that much older I can assure you age is just a number. You seem to regard an older man as something to be avoided at all costs. That is completely your choice.

I however am not focusing on the age factor at all.
I'm just suggesting the OP asks him out for a dog walk, after he's already asked her out twice.

It's funny how some women expect men to be super-confident beasts, dragging them off to their cave, when actually in 2022, it's really IS ok to ask a man out for a coffee, after he's asked you out twice already.

JoyLurking9to5 · 16/04/2022 23:09

Yes. I do. I dont want to date somebody fourteen years older than i am. Shocker.

For every woman who agrees with ne there are fifty men who would agree so take this up with them.

Original poster
WanderingLost167 · 17/04/2022 11:59

update

He's just messaged me and asked if I want to meet up today for a pub lunch....

But I can't as I have my children. Will suggest next weekend

OP posts: