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Original poster

How do we deal with saying no to our daughter

54 replies

Sandi1965 · 15/04/2022 07:38

Hi there, I would be grateful for some advice. My 24 year old daughter lives with my husband and I, she’s a great girl, a high school teacher and is very sensible. She made a friend (boy) from Denmark - she’s known him for a while and he’s come down for two weeks prior to coming down again end of June to study for 4-5 months. This two weeks he’s staying with us which I agreed. They like each other but there’s no spark from what I can see, he’s respectful and treats her well. They have a lot in common.

However, my husband and I don’t want him staying with us when he comes back end of June for 4-5 months. The university has accommodation that he can stay but obviously he has to pay. He has offered to pay me $100 a week when he comes back end of June and initially We agreed via my daughter, but now We believe he’d be better off being independent and living on his own. I hate saying this but he’s a very odd character but my daughter doesn’t seem to see this.

My daughter is exhausted driving him all over the place and showing him around (he doesn’t drive) and when he does come back end of June, she will be working full time,so he’ll be at home some days a week and I also work from home.

We don’t want to upset my daughter by saying no diplomatically to her when he leaves in a week as she can take offense easily.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 15/04/2022 07:42

You just have to explain that you want your house and your privacy and while you were happy to have him stay for a couple of weeks you would find an extended stay too much of a strain. She has no right to take offence. It is your house after all.

Rathmobhaile · 15/04/2022 07:47

It seems you need to have an honest conversation explaining that a stay of several months is very different than a holiday stay. That its too much in your space and that you're saying it now to give him time to make arrangements. I'd be firm in my decision when saying this. No what do you thinks from me? Not presenting it as a talk about what you could change. If your daughter is offended thats her reaction as an adult and not your problem to solve. I have a daughter of the same age so I'm not saying this without a similar years of parenting experience to you but you can't be uncomfortable in your own house in order not to offend your daughter. Iwould be careful not to enter into a debate or criticism of her friend though as I wouldn't appreciate my daughter being negative about my friends so would extend the same courtesy to her.

Whatsmyname100 · 15/04/2022 08:01

Your dd seems like a sensible person, one who you can reason with. So just explain that it is far too long and intrusive to your home. He isn't family and she will be working. Just be firm about this. I think its ridiculous really to expect to spend almost half a year living with someone's family.

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/04/2022 08:02

Just say no.

sweetbellyhigh · 15/04/2022 08:04

But you are not offending her, you are simply preserving your privacy. I wouldn't want someone on my house for months either. Two weeks was very generous.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/04/2022 08:04

you absolutely do not have to agree to this

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/04/2022 08:05

Just say you've had a rethink and on reflection you've changed your mind.

BeinBedEarly · 15/04/2022 08:05

Say it to them both before he lives then she doesn’t have to deliver the message.

BeinBedEarly · 15/04/2022 08:06

*leaves I mean. Not lives.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 15/04/2022 08:06

Do it sooner rather than later as he needs to get somewhere else in place asap.

effoffyouseeyounexttuesday · 15/04/2022 08:15

@BeinBedEarly

Say it to them both before he lives then she doesn’t have to deliver the message.

This. Make sure the message is clear and first hand to him. He then has notice to sort an alternative place

AnnaSW1 · 15/04/2022 08:19

She might be relieved! Talk to her

Original poster

Sandi1965 · 15/04/2022 08:29

Thanks everyone- I’m relieved to think I’m not being mean. I did put it to her this morning that he’d be better off on his own when he comes back and she said that he prefers to stay here, so I left it as it was awkward. I’m weak I know, I need to toughen up.

OP posts:

Ivyonafence · 15/04/2022 08:34

@Sandi1965

It doesn't matter what he prefers- it's not his house!

You prefer he doesn't.

Tell her you've thought about it and having a lodger for months is not something you're willing to do.

Goodness, she's 24. If she's desperate to house him she should move out and do it herself.

Szyz2020 · 15/04/2022 08:35

“He might prefer to, but we don’t.” is the answer to that.

NewandNotImproved · 15/04/2022 08:36

‘And we prefer he will not :) so, no, that won’t be an option for him, thank you’

Szyz2020 · 15/04/2022 08:39

Have a think through the awkward responses before you speak to her again. Get your lines straight and go back in.

“DD I wasn’t sure how to respond to you earlier but I’ve had a think and we need to have an honest conversation about your friend staying. Two weeks for a guest is plenty. We don’t want him here for another long stay and he will need to organise somewhere else to stay when he comes back. He will need to organise it before he comes over again as we don’t want to give him the impression that he can just stay here as he wishes.” Any issue about what he want or what she wants, just rinse and repeat “that doesn’t work for us. This is our house and we choose who stays here. Your friend are always welcome to stay a night or two but this is a long term arrangement and it doesn’t work for us.”

CoastalWave · 15/04/2022 08:39

"Listen. About X and him staying him. I'm really sorry but he just can't. I know you say he would prefer to but it just won't work for us. You need to give him a heads up now so he's got time to find somewhere.'

You just need to be 100% clear.

If she takes offence, well sorry but that's her problem.

You have to start to be ok with her being upset sorry.

Candleabra · 15/04/2022 08:40

I’d prefer a lot of things… but it doesn’t mean other people have to give them to me!

Seriously though, stop tiptoeing around this. June will be here before you know it, then you’ll be stuck with a house guest for months having agreed to it by default. Lay it out to your daughter exactly what your position is.
You’re being more than generous with a two week stay. Don’t feel bad, it’s your home.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2022 08:44

Why did you initially agree? And why are you tiptoeing around your daughter, she's 24, why can't you have an adult conversation with her without feeling awkward?

Szyz2020 · 15/04/2022 08:45

Also make sure he sorts accommodation before he comes back, otherwise he will ask to stay with you ‘while he sorts himself out’ and it is guaranteed that he won’t move out.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 15/04/2022 09:01

Agree with everyone else . He may prefer to stay with you but it’s not his house. I would be just laying it out, you work from home and you don’t feel comfortable having someone else around for that period of time. Do it now so he has plenty of time to make other arrangements .
I suspect you have had difficulties being firm with your daughter in the past, and this is nothing new.
If you don’t put your foot down you will likely be spending a few months with ‘a very odd character’ hanging around. I wouldn’t be having any of that.

INeedNewShoes · 15/04/2022 09:06

You need to stop treading on eggshells. If you can’t say no about such a clearly unreasonable request as this, you could have years of being unhappy in your own home.

I would never even put my parents in this position, asking them to accommodate a friend on a long term basis.

If you do everything your daughter’s way and make life easy for her, you’re not encouraging her to stand on her own two feet and move out and live independently which in the long run won’t do her any favours.

mycatisannoying · 15/04/2022 09:10

There is time for your daughter to sort her own rented flat if she has a problem with your decision.

AgathaX · 15/04/2022 09:10

Just be straight with her. He has time to sort accommodation out so he must just get on and do it. If she's so keen to live with him for that period then I'd suggest she rents herself a nice flat or house and houses him herself.
You need to stand up to her on this.

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