How do we deal with saying no to our daughter

[Sandi1965]

Hi there, I would be grateful for some advice. My 24 year old daughter lives with my husband and I, she’s a great girl, a high school teacher and is very sensible. She made a friend (boy) from Denmark - she’s known him for a while and he’s come down for two weeks prior to coming down again end of June to study for 4-5 months. This two weeks he’s staying with us which I agreed. They like each other but there’s no spark from what I can see, he’s respectful and treats her well. They have a lot in common.

However, my husband and I don’t want him staying with us when he comes back end of June for 4-5 months. The university has accommodation that he can stay but obviously he has to pay. He has offered to pay me $100 a week when he comes back end of June and initially We agreed via my daughter, but now We believe he’d be better off being independent and living on his own. I hate saying this but he’s a very odd character but my daughter doesn’t seem to see this.

My daughter is exhausted driving him all over the place and showing him around (he doesn’t drive) and when he does come back end of June, she will be working full time,so he’ll be at home some days a week and I also work from home.

We don’t want to upset my daughter by saying no diplomatically to her when he leaves in a week as she can take offense easily.

Any advice would be appreciated.

It doesn't matter what he prefers- it's not his house!

Exactly! Say no. If she is offended then she is being hugely unreasonable.

A lot of people seem to have missed that OP has already said yes to this. So it's not just a case of saying no, it's a case of reneging on something that OP agreed to. So just saying no now, is a much more difficult situation, and the DD and the boy would have every right to feel let down.

The least you can do, OP, is try to help find him an alternative.

If nothing else OP, it's a fine opportunity to set an example of being firm and diplomatic - at some point in her life your daughter will run into a situation where she has to say,
"Actually, on further reflection, this isn't a goer, ai apologize for saying otherwise earlier but I hadn't thought it through" .

We don’t want to upset my daughter by saying no diplomatically to her when he leaves in a week as she can take offense easily

So he's still in your home? Speak directly to him and say sorry on reflection it's not going to be possible to stay, your work commitments don't suit him being in your home as you WFH.

He doesn't get to "prefer" anything, your dd can take offence that's on her. What happens if they fall out? What happens if he meets another woman in college and starts bringing her back to yours? Will you all politely ignore him shagging some strange woman in your spare room? Why are you tiptoeing around two adults, they are not a boy and girl, they are adults with jobs and higher education out in the world, why do you seem frightened to speak to your own daughter and this man that is currently in your home?