Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How do we deal with saying no to our daughter

54 replies

Sandi1965 · 15/04/2022 07:38

Hi there, I would be grateful for some advice. My 24 year old daughter lives with my husband and I, she’s a great girl, a high school teacher and is very sensible. She made a friend (boy) from Denmark - she’s known him for a while and he’s come down for two weeks prior to coming down again end of June to study for 4-5 months. This two weeks he’s staying with us which I agreed. They like each other but there’s no spark from what I can see, he’s respectful and treats her well. They have a lot in common.

However, my husband and I don’t want him staying with us when he comes back end of June for 4-5 months. The university has accommodation that he can stay but obviously he has to pay. He has offered to pay me $100 a week when he comes back end of June and initially We agreed via my daughter, but now We believe he’d be better off being independent and living on his own. I hate saying this but he’s a very odd character but my daughter doesn’t seem to see this.

My daughter is exhausted driving him all over the place and showing him around (he doesn’t drive) and when he does come back end of June, she will be working full time,so he’ll be at home some days a week and I also work from home.

We don’t want to upset my daughter by saying no diplomatically to her when he leaves in a week as she can take offense easily.

Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Ginajo · 15/04/2022 09:14

You need to tell him asap as at the moment he thinks he's able to stay with you and to be fair on him you need to give him time to make other plans. I know it's awkward as you've already said he can stay, but you need to tell him asap.

misskatamari · 15/04/2022 09:21

No no no!

You do not have to feel guilty for putting your needs first. Your daughter and her friend might be upset - that still doesn't make you unreasonable. If your daughter is used to you being quite a people pleaser, it might mean this is met with more resistance, as you're setting boundaries. But please! Say no to this! A bit of discomfort now is preferable to the misery, resentment and feelings of being trapped you will feel, if you let this practical stranger come and stay for MONTHS with you. Put your foot down now.

Leah2005 · 15/04/2022 09:24

I think you should have the conversation with the friend and not your daughter. He may want to stay with you but it's not his choice to make is it?

MissDefoe · 15/04/2022 09:26

I agree. Tell your daughter and ask her if she would prefer you told him or would she like to. 2 weeks was massively generous.

madroid · 15/04/2022 09:28

Are you desperate not to 'offend" (I don't think this is an issue of offence as such but of disagreeing) your dd because you don't want her to move out?

At 24 you have to let her go for her sake or she will become too dependent on you and not separate from you properly emotionally.

It's time for her to move on. If this turns out to be the trigger so be it. Perhaps in her own place she'll get that spark with the Dane. It must cramp her style a bit to be seeing him primarily at her mum's house.

HairyMuttttt · 15/04/2022 09:28

Talk to the friend and daughter together. explain that while it’s been great having him stay you can’t offer him a place to stay while studying as you need your own space. Suggest he looks for accommodation locally, a room in a shared house with others his age

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2022 09:31

Fucking hell, you do need to toughen up. This is your home and you tell your daughter no. She doesn't have to like it, and if she's offended, that's her issue to deal with. Treating your daughter like a fragile little princess is doing her no favours.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/04/2022 09:34

Christ alive just say no.

And he’s not a “boy” he’s a fully grown man who needs to support himself. You’re treating your dd and him like teenagers. They’re both adults. Just say no!

pictish · 15/04/2022 09:35

Yes you need to toughen up. This is your home! It’s not open to strangers moving in…simple as that.

Say no. Say you don’t want to share your home with him (or anyone else) for months. Tell her it’s not happening now so she has time to let it sink in.

You don’t even have to explain…it’s your house, you don’t want a lodger, it’s a no.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/04/2022 09:36

It’s difficult, I know - I had to say I’m sorry, but no, to a (not close) friend’s dd who had asked to stay long term for study. A week or two is a very different thing. IMO you just have to make clear that short term is one thing, but you’re not comfortable with any longer - you feel your house is not your own.

We did once have a (very close ) friend’s son for 3 months, he was from another country and had got a job in London, but it was OK, he was very ‘easy’, plus out most of the time, and it didn’t feel intrusive.

pictish · 15/04/2022 09:37

“He prefers to stay here.”

“It’s my house and I prefer him not to.”

Surely?

everythingcrossed · 15/04/2022 09:52

I agree with PPs that you should tell him yourself, having given your daughter a heads-up first. Be kind about it but not apologetic.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2022 09:53

@Sandi1965

Thanks everyone- I’m relieved to think I’m not being mean. I did put it to her this morning that he’d be better off on his own when he comes back and she said that he prefers to stay here, so I left it as it was awkward. I’m weak I know, I need to toughen up.

You do need to toughen up, yes.

It’s not mean to have boundaries about who stays in your house.

At 24, if she wants the freedom to have long-staying guests she needs to move out to her own house.

Be clear and direct. She “can take offense easily” because she knows how to get what she wants from you. Don’t be afraid of a bit of upset!

AngelinaFibres · 15/04/2022 09:54

@mycatisannoying

There is time for your daughter to sort her own rented flat if she has a problem with your decision.

This. Your daughter needs to move out too. 24 is far too old to be living at home.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2022 09:54

Give it a day or two then take the time to explain that you’ve thought about it and you aren’t comfortable - it’s your home and you don’t want a lodger, because you want to be able to relax etc (just a couple of sentences so she understands why.)

And then say that you and her Pa have decided to say no. And keep repeating that gently, so she also understands that the matter is closed.

She sounds quite young emotionally (?) so she might have a huffed but she’ll get over it. Don’t pander to her if she goes teenage.

And no of course you aren’t being unreasonable. If she thinks you are then that is emotional immaturity on her part.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/04/2022 09:59

The problem is, you've already said yes, so it is going to be more awkward to say no now.
Nonetheless, you are allowed to change your mind, and you could say something like you hadn't realised the impact it has on your working from home to have someone else in the house, and so you are going to have to say no.
You need to say it soon, though, to give him a chance to make alternative arrangements. And say to to him directly.

Embracelife · 15/04/2022 09:59

Are they staying in her room together? Are they in a relationship?
Or do you have multiple spare rooms?

What about cooking laundry etc? Very different with long term lodger/guest.

Just say no long term does not work

Eelicks · 15/04/2022 10:36

I would approach it in a very pleasant but firm way, that puts the decision for why he's not staying solely on you. For example, "ive had a think and unfortunately we are not able to accommodate your friend at the end of June."

That's it, don't give reasons why he shouldn't want to stay there, don't give anything that can be argued against. If she pushes just keep repeating- yes I understand and hear that you would like him to stay, but as I said unfortunately we cannot accommodate him.

If she's upset then of course you can comfort her, but being upset isn't in itself a bad thing that must be avoided at all costs. Its normal human emotion! You might want to think separately on why you are so afraid of people being upset with you

Mosaic123 · 15/04/2022 10:39

He's cheeky as well. Why should he be setting the price for the accommodation at £100?

He should be approaching you and asking what you would charge and what it included.
The answer would be nothing as it's not something you want to do.

You can see from all of this that he would not be a good long term lodger, and what if he decided to stay longer to do more study?

Ivyonafence · 15/04/2022 10:46

The sooner you make yourself clear the better. He needs to sort out other accommodation and budget for that. If you dither and seem unsure, you're stringing him along and will get yourself in a situation of feeling obligated to have him because he has fewer other options/you've left him in the lurch.

Tell her immediately that the decision is no.

This is quite sad, have you really never said no to her before?

MermaidEyes · 15/04/2022 11:23

He's cheeky as well. Why should he be setting the price for the accommodation at £100?

Yes, this struck me. If you ask me, the daughter is probably the one encouraging him and suggesting how much he pays. She obviously prefers the idea of him staying at hers as its less time and travel on her end when she wants to see him. And she's probably already worked out mum is a pushover. I have teens and mine know for a fact one night for anyone staying over here is more than enough. I wouldn't even contemplate 5 months!

Bagelsandbrie · 15/04/2022 11:25

I would think there is something romantic between them too - I can’t imagine any 24 year old woman who would want a male friend living with her for 3 months unless there was a spark or some sort of possible romance, especially if she’s bending over backwards to drive him about everywhere etc.

gingerhills · 15/04/2022 13:20

If you said yes to having him live with you for an agreed sum and have now changed your minds then you should be the ones to tell him, not your daughter. Don't palm that difficult job off on her.

Explain to her that you will let him know your circumstances have changed and you are no longer able to have him to stay, but here's the link to uni accommodation etc.

Then have a gentle conversation with your daughter about how much you feel she did for him and how to put up boundaries if he assumes she'll do the same again.

Silverbirch2 · 15/04/2022 13:23

They both well into adulthood so should be living away from you know put your foot down. You dont need an odd man living in your house!

Crikeyalmighty · 15/04/2022 13:50

I live inCopenhagen— (am British) an awful lot of 20 something man children here riding their bikes all the time and used to quite a cushy number.

I do think it’s irrelevant if you think he’s an odd character in regards to your daughters relationship- he might think you are a bit odd !

However whether he prefers to stay at yours is totally irrelevant- you don’t want him to , and neither would most people. Just say to your daughter that it doesn’t work for you. If it bothers her that much why doesn’t she get an apartment

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread