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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has left for another woman

53 replies

Sam20221 · 13/04/2022 22:56

4 weeks ago my husband was unusually quiet, i questioned him and he told me he was unhappy in our marriage, had been for a few months and he was leaving. He didn’t want to work on the marriage, said the spark had gone and that he didn’t love me anymore. His mum passed away 2 weeks earlier and he said it made him realise life was too short to be unhappy!
A week later I found out that he had started talking to his sisters friend on Facebook 5 weeks earlier (at the time of his mums death), he told a friend he had felt ‘passion’ for the first time in years and despite not actually seeing her in person decided leaving our 10 year marriage to persue a long distance relationship with her made him happier than he’d felt in a long time.
He had never told me he was unhappy, he had been booking family holidays with me for later this year, decorating our house and ordering new furniture just weeks before he left - surely he wasn’t that happy to be doing all that!?
Since then he has been absolutely vile. He’s been telling me he can’t have our daughter on agreed dates because he’s “busy”. He won’t help with the sale of the house, the sale of the car and says other people manage to sort their lives out on their own so why can’t I!? He’s been meeting up with this new girl so refusing to have our daughter so that I can try and sort out the house viewings, car sale etc. I’ve been left to deal with literally everything with absolutely no empathy or compassion.
I just wondered if anybody else had gone through this and what the outcome was?

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 13/04/2022 23:09

Have you seen a solicitor?

HollowTalk · 13/04/2022 23:11

What a complete bastard he is. You can only hope that his little affair goes belly up. Your poor daughter as well, the way he's treated her is appalling.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2022 23:12

Do you have close friends or family who can mind your daughter while you get everything done?

ettiespaghetti · 13/04/2022 23:12

I'm sorry this has happened to you - you must be in deep shock

Pull in as much support as you can x

yellowbananasinjuly · 13/04/2022 23:19

You'll never be able to trust him again. It's likely he'll try to come crawling back in about 3 months time. Don't take him back though he has treated you so badly, you deserve much better.

Itchylegs · 13/04/2022 23:28

Wow, what monstrous behaviour. A mid life crisis chasing a whim? Will probably go belly up. I would be fuming if I were you. So unfair. So cruel. I guess you just get on with it and do what suits you best.

Gamezup · 13/04/2022 23:30

What a scumbag he is. Once his bit of fluff has got tired of him he will be creeping back to you with his tail between his legs at which point I would tell him to f**k off for good. For now, get as much support IRL as you can. You WILL get through this.

Notnastypasty · 13/04/2022 23:36

I’ve been through similar and it’s horrible - you have my sympathy. I’m 8 years on now and life is good, it just takes time. These men get their head turned and then get their head stuck so far up their own arse they forget they have responsibilities! My ex was the same for a while and it was very hard to deal with.
For what it’s worth, he wanted to come back a year later but it was too late. And after the initial excitement of his new life he did become a reasonably decent parent again.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 13/04/2022 23:41

Tell you what op, one of the most inspiring things I’ve read on mumsnet recently was a poster in response to an op in a similar situation to you, she said how her friend’s husband had left for another woman because ’he wasn’t happy’. The abandoned wife told him that actually, she would leave instead, he could have the house and kids, and she’d get herself a flat. She did just that because she was exhausted so the shitty husband suddenly had to man up and parent his own children and clean his own house and be a responsible adult instead of getting to fuck off with his other woman. It was magnificent. Too many men just get to move out and shirk all responsibility because women wouldn’t generally dream of doing that to their children but they’re his children too and it’s your husband’s responsibility to sort out selling the house and car just as much as it is yours.
I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you and I hope you’ve got some good real life support.

HollowTalk · 13/04/2022 23:42

She left her children? I don't think that counts as one of the best responses!

Wombat98 · 13/04/2022 23:45

Stop selling things until he co-operates. It's only been 4 weeks.

tabletipper · 14/04/2022 00:04

She left her children? I don't think that counts as one of the best responses!

but he can leave the children?

Rightyo

PlainJaneEyre · 14/04/2022 01:49

Why are you selling the house when you have a children? Have you spoken to a solicitor to get an idea of what you can expect?

Pinklemonhedgehog · 14/04/2022 06:02

You really need to see a solicitor for some advice. Don’t sell the house, or the car until you have! Is he pressuring you to sell?

everyonebutme · 14/04/2022 06:09

Yes been through something similar so you have my sympathy. Selling my home and getting divorced at the same time was one of the most stressful things in my life whilst he criticised everything I did and did absolutely nothing. I just wanted to move on as quickly as I could though. Not sure what advice to give except that you will get through it.

AlternativePerspective · 14/04/2022 06:16

but he can leave the children?

Rightyo

Nobody said that did they? But they were seemingly so busy thinking of themselves that the children essentially just became collateral damage while they were both trying to outdo each other.

Both as bad as each other in that instance.

Monty27 · 14/04/2022 06:17

His DM passed away and he's having a meltdown right? Has he been unfaithful?

SquishyGloopyBum · 14/04/2022 06:20

Stop with the house sale etc. don't let him bully you. Got to CMS for maintenance.

Coffeeonmytoffee · 14/04/2022 06:25

Why are you selling things it's been 8 weeks. What has your solicitor told you to do?

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 14/04/2022 06:30

Pause. Just pause. Don’t do anything until you’ve been to see a solicitor. You’re making financial arrangements (ie selling the house) before knowing what you and your DD are entitled to from a legal POV.

Contact Women’s Aid as they’ll be able to signpost you.

Just stall “D” H over the weekend if he asks about what you’re doing.

Meanwhile, take a breath over the Easter weekend, and get your shit together from next week. Finding your anger really helps too.

Monty27 · 14/04/2022 06:30

Yes hold your horses OP!
Don't let the lawyers suck you in either. You need to give a lot of thought to this. Your own thoughts. And talk to close friends or family.
Silence for now and get him to make the moves. He's just lost his DM.
Take a breath for a minute.

Caramelcap · 14/04/2022 06:30

Sounds like he's having a breakdown and completely lost his mind.
Definitely don't sell anything, you need a roof over your head and you deserve better than that!
Do you work? As hard as it is, carry on going to work, take the best care of your daughter you can and leave him to his midlife crisis. I wouldn't do anything to help him if I were in your situation, he honestly sounds like he's lost it.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/04/2022 06:41

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie

Pause. Just pause. Don’t do anything until you’ve been to see a solicitor. You’re making financial arrangements (ie selling the house) before knowing what you and your DD are entitled to from a legal POV.

Contact Women’s Aid as they’ll be able to signpost you.

Just stall “D” H over the weekend if he asks about what you’re doing.

Meanwhile, take a breath over the Easter weekend, and get your shit together from next week. Finding your anger really helps too.

This...

Absolutely don't sell your house if you've got kids...

Don't do his dirty work for him.... Why the f**K are you having to do all the heavy work, facilitating his whims?!

Speak to a family law solicitor. ASAP

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/04/2022 06:44

PS
It seems you were happy up until this. People act in all sorts of bizarre, shit ways of they're mad with grief. Depending on situation... I MAY try to leave the door open to him... As a one off?

SaintVal · 14/04/2022 06:52

Morning OP. I'm sorry this has happened to you - this is very similar to the situation I was in 5.5 years ago with my now exH. He dropped the bombshell, left and there was another woman on the scene.

You NEED to see a solicitor and don't leave the house! It's bloody hard but this is where you need to get practical and be strong, even if you don't feel like it. You're married and you have rights. Don't roll over and let him dictate what happens next just because he's checked out. I know it's easier said than done as I have been there. Get your paperwork up together as well. I hope you have real life support OP. Good luck X