Husband has left for another woman

[Sam20221]

4 weeks ago my husband was unusually quiet, i questioned him and he told me he was unhappy in our marriage, had been for a few months and he was leaving. He didn’t want to work on the marriage, said the spark had gone and that he didn’t love me anymore. His mum passed away 2 weeks earlier and he said it made him realise life was too short to be unhappy!
A week later I found out that he had started talking to his sisters friend on Facebook 5 weeks earlier (at the time of his mums death), he told a friend he had felt ‘passion’ for the first time in years and despite not actually seeing her in person decided leaving our 10 year marriage to persue a long distance relationship with her made him happier than he’d felt in a long time.
He had never told me he was unhappy, he had been booking family holidays with me for later this year, decorating our house and ordering new furniture just weeks before he left - surely he wasn’t that happy to be doing all that!?
Since then he has been absolutely vile. He’s been telling me he can’t have our daughter on agreed dates because he’s “busy”. He won’t help with the sale of the house, the sale of the car and says other people manage to sort their lives out on their own so why can’t I!? He’s been meeting up with this new girl so refusing to have our daughter so that I can try and sort out the house viewings, car sale etc. I’ve been left to deal with literally everything with absolutely no empathy or compassion.
I just wondered if anybody else had gone through this and what the outcome was?

It's going to take some OP but don't do anything just yet.
Keep strong.

How old is your DD?

Make sure you keep all the texts, and make notes of when he has refused contact. You will need this later when he tries to accuse you of withholding contact. 💐

Where is he living? Has he moved out? He’s given you a gift actually, he’s acting with his dick and not his head leaving you space to get everything sorted, all the financials bank statements, pension statements you can get so organised, talk through with a solicitor while his only concern is if he’s got enough bog roll to hand.

OP you need to stop immediately with the house sale and other things.

Stop.

Are you doing that because he's told you too?

Also... does he stand to inherit any thing from his mothers estate? Do not rush to "sort" at this stage.

Self preservation & time is what you need. And love. You poor bastard he's been an utter cunt. Go and see a solicitor.

He was always this person, he’s just found an excuse/ opportunity to be this person in public.

Do not rush into anything, especially without legal advice.

I read the post @FatFilledTrottyPuss refers to and I found it inspiring too.

The mum did not abandon her DC, she had them every other weekend and a night during the week, paid maintenance and took time to sort herself out. She eventually increased the amount of time the DC were with her.

So sorry you're going through this op.

First and foremost, take care of you and your dc. You don't have to do anything straight away. Take time to heal and think about what you want. You don't have to sell the house or car straight away

I would however speak to a solicitor and find out what the best first steps are

Put a claim into csa for child maintenance

When you've spoken to a solicitor decide how you want this to play out and what you want, then you can start to do things.

If your dh isn't willing to do anything it doesn't automatically mean you do it for him. What he wants now, isn't what you have to do anymore. It's time for you to get selfish and do what you want without taking him into consideration

Unfortunately I can’t afford the bills & the car on my own. Yes he has to pay half the mortgage but unfortunately that’s not enough to enable me to stay in the house. I’ve been to see a solicitor, to go through the courts etc we are looking at £8000+ And if I start the proceedings then it’s down to me to pay the divorce fee’s etc. I’m selling the house as there is enough equity for me to then go and buy my daughter another house and I no longer have to endure him threatening not to pay half the bills as soon as I say or do something that he doesn’t approve of!

@Sam20221

Unfortunately I can’t afford the bills & the car on my own. Yes he has to pay half the mortgage but unfortunately that’s not enough to enable me to stay in the house. I’ve been to see a solicitor, to go through the courts etc we are looking at £8000+ And if I start the proceedings then it’s down to me to pay the divorce fee’s etc. I’m selling the house as there is enough equity for me to then go and buy my daughter another house and I no longer have to endure him threatening not to pay half the bills as soon as I say or do something that he doesn’t approve of!

I worry that if you go down the ‘trusting him to do the right thing’ route you are going to timidly accept way less than you’re entitled to.

@tabletipper

She left her children? I don't think that counts as one of the best responses!

but he can leave the children?

Rightyo

No… I think we are all in agreement that he is a shit for doing so. Therefore it would be equally as shit if he happened to be female. No parent should leave their children, obviously.

@HollowTalk

What a complete bastard he is. You can only hope that his little affair goes belly up. Your poor daughter as well, the way he's treated her is appalling.

I agree with this OP! He's shown himself to be capable of callous cold-bloodedness and even vindictiveness. He is neglecting his DD! He does not deserve either you nor your DD so never , ever take him back again! He most likely will come crawling back, feeling sorry for himself, but he's showing not a drop of concern even for his child, never mind you, so feck him! He's showing himself to be entirely self-centred! I'm so sorry OP. You sound really strong and copped on though, you will get through this! Hugs¬

He's a dreadful, husband and father, his only concern is for himself.

These types of men should not be in any woman's life.

I hope one day you will look back and feel relief that this selfish twat left. In the meantime, concentrate on getting the best deal you can.

Don't leave anything to spoken trust, get everthing in writing from him.
Keep all messages, even record conversations, he's a man to go back on his word.
x

Why are you selling the house? You don’t have to do that. What about the car? You don’t have to sell anything or do anything., you get to stay in the house and keep it. Is he trying to make you sell? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Before you do that have you sat down and done a budget? Have you cancelled everything like sky tv? Is he paying maintenance? Have you looked into that? Single person allowance, benefits, have you lodged the child maintenance claim?

He will also need to pay spousal support. Your solicitor should be able to file an emergency financial claim to get you the money for bills. What other assets does he have?

You also get a share of his pension. That’s why you need a solicitor.

Get free legal advice it shouldn’t cost £8000 that’s ridiculous. I was never quoted that much, investigate all your options. You’re doing yourself out of cash here…

Do you need to sell the house immediately, even if you intend to sell it soon?

Do you have any money to just get you through the next month or so?

I can see why you are panicking but you do need to take stock.

@tabletipper

She left her children? I don't think that counts as one of the best responses!

but he can leave the children?

Rightyo

Exactly. Double standards. 50:50 responsibility.

Have you applied for Universal Credit ?

Something similar happened to me OP - sending love and flowers.
In answer to the question, how did it end up? Answer - divorce. And then marriage to the other woman and now a baby and sibling for my children with the other woman.

The fact that i know he is not happy does not unfortunately soften the blow.
And it took me a long time to accept the fact that it was my ex husband who was cheating but he was still absolutely vile and vindictive to me after he left.
Look after yourself.

Can I ask if I may OP, how old is your ex husband?

FatFilledTrottyPuss

problem with your Wed 13-Apr-22 23:41:11 is that in a lot of cases, the man will not infact "man up and parent his own children and clean his own house and be a responsible adult instead of getting to fuck off with his other woman"

They will indeed neglect the children and the children will suffer the most.

And that is why a lot of women do not do that type of thing in OP's situation.

Men who have affairs are often seriously neglecting any domestic obligations they might have in the first place.

I had an expensive solicitor and annoying ex and I spend £5k. I could habe spent less than £1k and done it myself with some advice from solicitor. Don't move.

@HollowTalk

She left her children? I don't think that counts as one of the best responses!

Long enough to get herself sorted out and back to full strength and long enough for him to realise he wasn’t actually young free and single. Why is leaving children ok for men to do but not women?