Toxic mother

[Kelwar]

Hi all, I’m 46 and a mum of two wonderful children.. my problem is I have a really difficult relationship with my mum and I don’t really know how to handle it.. a bit of background fyi…. my parents broke up when I was 4.. due to an affair my mum had.. she met a new wealthy man when I was about 6.. and I was put into boarding school.. (weekly to start with). She didn’t pick me up and would send a cab for me on a Friday afternoon(she wouldn’t be in it)
I cried and cried about being away from
home but it was always met with coldness and an attitude that I just had to get on with it.
I lost contact with my dad when I was 13..
That bit still hurts as I adored him..
I became a full boarder at 10 until 16.. I was left at school for weekends so my mum and her bf could go on holiday together.
I left home at 18 as the physical fights and excessive drinking going on between my mother and her partner was very stressful.
It was a miserable time where
I mostly dreaded them coming home from
the pub because I knew a 9/10 a physical fight would start.
Fast forward to me having my own children and my mum moved abroad with her man and didn’t help me at all with my children when they were babies…
Once again when I needed her she was absent.
My children are 15 and 9 now and although they get on ok with my mum, there is no great relationship between them.
What I am finding now with my mum (who is 67) is that she picks arguments with me all of the time.. she knows where I stand politically and I will stand my ground, but knowing we sit on different sides of the fence I rarely bring political conversations up.. but she does it all of the time.. it’s almost like she goads me in to fighting with her.
She won’t respect that I don’t agree with her and never will.
She recently came to mine for Sunday lunch and started goading me at my own table.. it’s not the first time.
I’m becoming so sick of her and her toxicity.. everything makes her angry and she often starts conversations with ‘I was so angry when …’
What should I do.. ? I’ve tried no contact twice before but she turns up at my house and doesn’t stop contacting me until I back down.. but I’m tired of this.
I’m otherwise happy, I love my husband and children and consider myself a lucky woman to have a wonderful family..
It’s just my mothers toxic behaviour that is wearing me down… if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d appreciate some advice..

Have you tried counselling- sounds like you need it

You are right, I do.. I can’t afford it at the moment.. but I will be having some soon hopefully

You desperately need counselling to give you the strength to block this toxic woman from your life.

To contact 101 and get her charged with harassment if she doesn't accept it.

She gave you a miserable life and you owe her nothing, certainly not a seat at your dinner table.
Get the counselling as an absolute priority and cut her from your life.

I wonder why you've kept up with a relationship with your mum given how she is and how she's treated you. You are obviously very very hurt by her behaviour and who wouldn't be? Do you feel unwell after you've seen her and do you panic and worry before you see her?

If you heard she was going to emigrate to Australia, what would your immediate reaction be?

Somehow she makes me feel guilty.. I think she has additional needs too.. something that was obvious to me as a young person but her lack of empathy could be ASC or something.. I’ve made excuses for her as she was only 21 when she had me.. but it’s not really an excuse for what she’s done..
if she went to Australia I would be delighted.. I wouldn’t be fussed if she wasn’t in my life anymore.. but for some reason she draws me in.. I need to work on my self worth definitely

And yes, when I see her name come up on my phone I don’t want to answer it.. and after I’ve seen her I’m usually left with high anxiety.. I then drive my poor husband mad with talking about what to do about my relationship with her

I felt distressed just reading your post, OP .

I also think therapy could help you with this issue.

She is still calling the shots. She wont fundamentally change and she is only 67. I think only your boundaries - external and internal - can alter this dynamic.

@Kelwar

Somehow she makes me feel guilty.. I think she has additional needs too.. something that was obvious to me as a young person but her lack of empathy could be ASC or something.. I’ve made excuses for her as she was only 21 when she had me.. but it’s not really an excuse for what she’s done.. if she went to Australia I would be delighted.. I wouldn’t be fussed if she wasn’t in my life anymore.. but for some reason she draws me in.. I need to work on my self worth definitely

This won't help your immediate issue but - please don't state that ASD=lack of empathy. It's just not true, and insulting to those of us with ASD. The word you're looking for is "psychopath".

Fair enough..
My son is autistic and he admits he struggles with empathy, but perhaps it’s not correct to assume everyone does.. apologies.. psychopath is probably more accurate

OP
I mean this kindly, but give some serious thought to your husband and happy marriage.

It is tiresome, tedious and extremely frustrating to be married to someone who accepts being poorly treated and then goes on and on about it, without resolution.

You have NO peace.
Your husband has NO peace.

She takes the peace from your home.

She could live another 20 years.

You really need that counselling before you end up with marital problems.

Mind that good marriage, don't take it for granted.

Hi Billy.. it’s a really good boy if advice, thank you.. and you are absolutely right, as you were in an earlier comment.. I do really love my husband and I’m aware I go on too much.. it’s a never ending situation, and I’m sure it’s tiring for him.. he’s a lovely man and I’m lucky.. I really don’t want my mum to consume more of my headspace.. I’m going to have to go no contact with her as the times I’ve had without her in my life have been the happiest I’ve ever felt..
thanks again.. I’ve taken on board exactly what you’ve said here

You have my sympathies OP.

I had a toxic mother.

I left home at 18 and never went back.

Cutting her out of my life completely, plus counselling/therapy was the only way to save my mental health.

This may be the answer for you OP.

You owe her nothing, she has given you nothing but pain. You poor woman, to be treated like that.

Definitely don't feel guilty. Have you seen the stately homes threads, they might be useful to you

Oh op I feel so angry with her reading this. Please try and get the help you need and cut her out of your life, I also wouldn't want someone like that in my dcs lives. You shouldn't feel guilt, she quite clearly doesn't after everything she's done to you. Had she ever apologised to you for the way she treated you as a child?
I suspect she's a narcissist so won't feel any guilt about the way she's treated you or even think she's done anything wrong, it'll all be someone else's fault in her eyes. Is she still with her partner? Or did that end meaning she now 'needs' you hence not leaving you alone?

Thanks all… I’ll have a look at the stately homes thread. I appreciate advice you’ve all given x

Hi Lactose.. she has re written history and denies some things even happened.. she says she would make different choices now.. but to be honest, she still does nothing for me.. her now husband .. (same wealthy man) is 85.. and has mobility issues.. she wants me to help her , but I can’t give her what she hasn’t been able to give me.. it makes me feel really resentful.. I don’t like her personality at all.. I don’t think she does feel guilt as she is forever playing the victim… last time I didn’t speak to her for 6 months.. sbe houndwd me and hounded me until I have in, she sat in my kitchen crying about how hurt she felt and I was the one who ended up apologising.. all of which has made me feel anger and resentment toward her..

She’s also never provided any financial assistance.. she inherited £18k from an unknown uncle.. she didn’t even given her grandchildren £100 for their bank accounts.. so as well as being horrible, she is also very mean with money

You could go NC, but that takes energy and organisation. You have to constantly police keeping her away, while she batters at your door and proclaims how isolated and abandoned she is, a vulnerable old lady whose own daughter can't be bothered with her!

It's easier to go grey rock. Make an active decision that you don't like her, you don't need her approval, you will do the minimum to keep the peace. Then make yourself like a teflon coated rock. Let her do the running, and let everything she says wash over you. Be very zen and boring. Tell her nothing about yourself or your family. Don't give her material to work with. Talk about the weather. Talk about the tv. Talk about things you don't care about. When she talks, you answer 'really?' 'Oh!' 'Did you?' 'That's nice' 'what a shame'.

A load of bland nothingness. She'll lose interest because you're giving her nothing to fight about.

The trouble is she's got to a stage in life where she needs op, so I'm not sure grey rock will work. Op read up on info about narcissts and how they operate. Ultimately however much she pesters you she has no right to your time. She has made her bed, let her care for her rich old partner by herself maybe it's kama!

You are right Lactose.. her need for me is only going to get greater.. It will be such hard work keeping her at arms length the whole time.. she’ll batter me down with me being the one who abandoned her.. I can’t take
That guilt as well as everything else.. I’ll have to go NC.. as a previous poster said, she is only 67.. I could have years of this!

What about moving away and not telling her?
Block her everywhere and change your phone number

I wouldn’t normally suggest that but your mental health is important

That would be amazing heather.. but we can’t afford to move.. plus my children are settled in their schools, my son only has a year left so I don’t want to uproot him.. the sad thing is she was happily living abroad while her grandchildren were all small.. now she needs us, she’s moved to the city I live in.. she’s literally a 10/15 min drive..
she doesn’t have any friends as she is so aggro all of the time and I think they are grown bored of her.. if I go NC she’ll literally be alone with her husband.. but then that’s the choice she made 40 years ago.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the mother or father you deserved, OP. I have a similar issues just in different circumstances so I understand. Others have mentioned counselling, which you mentioned you can't afford. If there is any way you could swing it at all - even once every month, or instead of something else. I'd argue that it is vital to the health of your family unit that you get your head straight about this woman. If it's really not an option I would read Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, and The Nice Girl Syndrome. I imagine they will be eye opening for you, and very helpful indeed. The stately homes thread here is a great resource of support, but also try Out of the Fog and DWIL. You are far from alone out there. If you consider estrangement or would even like to think about what it might be like I would recommend looking up Issendai. You will probably recognise a lot of things in there. All these forums and books gave me a different perspective on how life could be. I don't have to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm anymore.

Someone else mentioned the impact on your family in all this and I would urge you to sit with this. I think you are looking at this from the perspective of a daughter, when in fact that is no longer your main role in life. You are a mother, a wife, an employee at work, a friend, a person in your own right who deserves to live in peace - these are the important relationships in your life that you must protect. What does it do to your home life, your marriage, your kids, your own sense of happiness and wellbeing? What are you teaching your kids when they see you do this? Those are the important questions to be asking yourself.

In this life we reap what we sow. You owe your mother nothing. She can use that money to look after herself in her old age. You can give her exactly the same amount of care and attention she gave you.

OP,

Teasing it out here is giving you clarity.

Again, I mean this kindly, but I doubt she loves or cares for you at all.

She happily did EXACTLY what suited her for 40 years.

What she needs now is a carer.

Someone to use in her old age.

That is what she is focused on.

Do you intend to allow her to use you and your family for the next 20 years?

That is the core issue here.

Are you going to allow her to be the poison in your life for the next 20 years?

A benevolent presence your whole life.

You have agency over your life.
You didn't as a child when she couldn't give a shit about you.

I'm with @LactoseTheIntolerant, grey rock takes energy and time that is only a plaster on the problem.

Fxxk that and the stamina that is required to police and maintain it.

NC is the way to go, with your husbands support.

No contact and police involvement if she comes near your home.

Of course it will be difficult initially, tough decisions usually are.

But the payback is simply enormous.

So many posters that were brave enough to do it describe the ensuing years as " blissful peace".

This peace could be yours and your family's.

Do it for the child you were, who had no one in her corner.

Do it for your children who deserve a mother that is at peace.

Do it for your husband who loves you and deserves to see the woman he loves calm and peaceful.

You had such a very hard and miserable life.
You are amazing to have built your own loving successful family unit.

You deserve the rest of your life to be peaceful.

Keep posting if it helps.
We are here for you.

If NC is too difficult how about really clear boundaries.
With my Dad I say he cannot just turn up - if he does he can't come in, but I will talk to him at the door.
I will speak to him twice a day on the phone but he shouldn't keep phoning (he would prefer to phone me every hour or so!)
I see him once or twice a week but mostly I come to him so I can leave when I want.
He is very hard work (and lonely) but refuses to make any efforts to meet people.
The boundaries have made a big difference to my life, as has being able to say no.