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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Toxic mother

56 replies

Kelwar · 13/04/2022 22:01

Hi all, I’m 46 and a mum of two wonderful children.. my problem is I have a really difficult relationship with my mum and I don’t really know how to handle it.. a bit of background fyi…. my parents broke up when I was 4.. due to an affair my mum had.. she met a new wealthy man when I was about 6.. and I was put into boarding school.. (weekly to start with). She didn’t pick me up and would send a cab for me on a Friday afternoon(she wouldn’t be in it)
I cried and cried about being away from
home but it was always met with coldness and an attitude that I just had to get on with it.
I lost contact with my dad when I was 13..
That bit still hurts as I adored him..
I became a full boarder at 10 until 16.. I was left at school for weekends so my mum and her bf could go on holiday together.
I left home at 18 as the physical fights and excessive drinking going on between my mother and her partner was very stressful.
It was a miserable time where
I mostly dreaded them coming home from
the pub because I knew a 9/10 a physical fight would start.
Fast forward to me having my own children and my mum moved abroad with her man and didn’t help me at all with my children when they were babies…
Once again when I needed her she was absent.
My children are 15 and 9 now and although they get on ok with my mum, there is no great relationship between them.
What I am finding now with my mum (who is 67) is that she picks arguments with me all of the time.. she knows where I stand politically and I will stand my ground, but knowing we sit on different sides of the fence I rarely bring political conversations up.. but she does it all of the time.. it’s almost like she goads me in to fighting with her.
She won’t respect that I don’t agree with her and never will.
She recently came to mine for Sunday lunch and started goading me at my own table.. it’s not the first time.
I’m becoming so sick of her and her toxicity.. everything makes her angry and she often starts conversations with ‘I was so angry when …’
What should I do.. ? I’ve tried no contact twice before but she turns up at my house and doesn’t stop contacting me until I back down.. but I’m tired of this.
I’m otherwise happy, I love my husband and children and consider myself a lucky woman to have a wonderful family..
It’s just my mothers toxic behaviour that is wearing me down… if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d appreciate some advice..

OP posts:
DantesMellowMate · 30/07/2022 12:17

PS. Just to add, I notice OP that your mother turns up at your house uninvited until you “back down” (which is harassment really). This is a slightly different problem from other reactions like giving you Silent Treatment, cutting you off etc. Maybe you would need to enforce stronger boundaries/NC in the harassment case?

billy1966 · 30/07/2022 13:47

I really hope the lovely OP put herself and her family first for once, and cut that awful woman off.

dean0345 · 13/02/2025 11:58

Kelwar · 13/04/2022 22:01

Hi all, I’m 46 and a mum of two wonderful children.. my problem is I have a really difficult relationship with my mum and I don’t really know how to handle it.. a bit of background fyi…. my parents broke up when I was 4.. due to an affair my mum had.. she met a new wealthy man when I was about 6.. and I was put into boarding school.. (weekly to start with). She didn’t pick me up and would send a cab for me on a Friday afternoon(she wouldn’t be in it)
I cried and cried about being away from
home but it was always met with coldness and an attitude that I just had to get on with it.
I lost contact with my dad when I was 13..
That bit still hurts as I adored him..
I became a full boarder at 10 until 16.. I was left at school for weekends so my mum and her bf could go on holiday together.
I left home at 18 as the physical fights and excessive drinking going on between my mother and her partner was very stressful.
It was a miserable time where
I mostly dreaded them coming home from
the pub because I knew a 9/10 a physical fight would start.
Fast forward to me having my own children and my mum moved abroad with her man and didn’t help me at all with my children when they were babies…
Once again when I needed her she was absent.
My children are 15 and 9 now and although they get on ok with my mum, there is no great relationship between them.
What I am finding now with my mum (who is 67) is that she picks arguments with me all of the time.. she knows where I stand politically and I will stand my ground, but knowing we sit on different sides of the fence I rarely bring political conversations up.. but she does it all of the time.. it’s almost like she goads me in to fighting with her.
She won’t respect that I don’t agree with her and never will.
She recently came to mine for Sunday lunch and started goading me at my own table.. it’s not the first time.
I’m becoming so sick of her and her toxicity.. everything makes her angry and she often starts conversations with ‘I was so angry when …’
What should I do.. ? I’ve tried no contact twice before but she turns up at my house and doesn’t stop contacting me until I back down.. but I’m tired of this.
I’m otherwise happy, I love my husband and children and consider myself a lucky woman to have a wonderful family..
It’s just my mothers toxic behaviour that is wearing me down… if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d appreciate some advice..

Hi, I'm in a similar boat almost. My story's a bit different though.

My father left us when I was 6 years old and when my mother was pregnant with my sister. He found a new woman and started new life with her. He never visited me or bothered to find out how I'm doing. I'm 40 years old now. I also know from my grandma that the house me and my mother live was bought by my grandpa from my fathers side for me. He wanted me to have a house, but he died early even before my parents got divorced and later my mother pressured my father to give ownership to her and he DID IT! So, the only thing that was left from my grandpa was taken away from me from my parents. So, I was raised by my mother, but she's not angel either. She was physically abusing me by beating me up and I had bruises. She would also lock me up in the restroom with lights off, for hours as a punishment. And if something bad would happen it was always my fault not my sisters. She clearly showed and still continues to show the favoritism. I'm 40 years old now and have an amazing wife who I met on FB and she's from other country. She left her country to be with me. She's best thing that ever happened to me. And we all 3 live in this house now, but my mother's toxicity makes our lives living hell. She fights with us all the time. She's like a ticking bomb. If I say something that she might not like, she will unleash hell on us, starts screaming, yelling, threats us to kick us out from her house. So, it's either her way and we must obey like slaves, either it's a blackmail to kick us out. I'm so tired from her. Now, saddest thing is that, my wife couldn't find work here, because she doesn't know the local language and I work, but I have a very small salary and I can't rent a house. It's a horrible situation. Another option is to immigrate to her country, but sadly it's a very hard process and needs a lot of money - something we don't have. I feel like we're trapped in a dead end, I ask for help, but I don't see helping anyone. I don't know what to do. I'm scared for our future. I have no idea, how someone must be so low, to threaten her own kid to kick out from the house, the house that initially was theirs. She's truly a monster in flesh.

Liftmyselfupagain · 13/02/2025 12:10

Try to get your hands on this book -

What Your Bones Know - Stephanie Foo

It is so excellent you’ll read it in a week, I think it would really benefit you and your perspective re your mother in the absence of therapy

Kelwar · 13/02/2025 13:58

Hi Dean and Liftmy.. thanks for reaching out. Dean your situation sounds really hard.. I’m so sorry I don’t have an answer for you seeing as you have to live with your ghastly mother. Is there any way to rent somewhere with your wife? Might only be a studio but it will get you away from her?
or a room in a shared house?
my goodness… parents can be so toxic and it’s so awful that so many of us have suffered.
My own situation has changed considerably since I first posted.. last summer I was putting up with my mother putting me down in front of my DC and something in me just snapped.. I called her out on her behaviour and shock horror she denied it and tried to blame my menopause on my reaction! So I blocked her on everything and haven’t seen her for 7 months.. booked myself in for counselling at long last and she hasn’t attempted to come to my home.. thank goodness! BUT she does message my son which I can’t really stop as he is 17 now and I’ve left his relationship with her up to him to navigate.. he is old enough.. but he doesn’t want to see her.. but he will message back if she gets in touch. My daughter who is 11 doesn’t want anything to do with her after she tried to drag my daughter into an argument last summer and accused her of something she didn’t do.
I do feel more at peace and I’m not driving hubby mad with it anymore.. I save that for my therapy.. but I’m always left with a bit of guilt as they have ailing health… you reap what you sow in life though and they can’t be a priority for me ever.
love to you all.. I hope you’re all okay.. keep chatting if you need to X

OP posts:
dean0345 · 13/02/2025 18:55

Kelwar, sadly we can't rent. I have a very small salary - 900 GEL in a month, which is $330, but since we have GEL currency, it's like $900 for us, but still it's very low, especially for 2 people and I didn't mention earlier we have a cat too and feeding and taking care of him costs me 100 GEL in a month. So, you understand now why we can't rent.

Finding better paying job seems also very difficult task and in general it's hard to find a work in this country if you don't have a lengthy working background experience or have some popular skills as a developer, designer or etc, which sadly I'm not. These days I'm in a very dark place in my mind. I'm thinking, what if my mother really kicks us out in the street? Then what? Then, I really don't see other option, but to tell my wife to go back to USA and separate. And I love my wife so much and we're so inseparable that if this really happens then my next thing will be to end my life, because I really don't want to live without her. There's no point. But let's hope situation doesn't go that far. Hope there's small humanity still left in my mother, but the thing that she's already threatening us to kick us out, is very scary. How cruel you must be to push your own son to such great limits of stress and fear? And she has this negative aura. She might not say anything, but you can feel it, when she's around. At first, I thought I was exaggerating and maybe she wasn't as bad mother as I thought, but when I got married and my wife started living with us, she told me that I wasn't exagerrating and she truly was a horrible person. She even told me that she never hated anyone in her whole life, until she met my mother. My mother can call me words like "garbage", "trash", "asshole", "weakling", "stupid" and etc. And just to tell you what kind of son and person I am in general: I work, I'm a family man, don't party anymore, don't spend time with friends, only family. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't gamble, I don't cheat and being loyal to my wifey. Every sunday I do big chores with my wife - I dust, vacuum clean, clean restroom, make food on weekends, do laundry and even dry my wife's hair. And still, acording to my mother I'm garbage. Oh and also, when my mother isn't home, usually home stays clean and not messy, because both me and my wife keep it organized and clean, but when my mother comes, home becames like a Tornado driven, full of chaos and messiness. We clean up for her all the time.

And I'll tell you the reason to why fight happened last time... It was weekend evening and every evening at 6PM me and my wife make a dinner and on Saturday I always make a fried potatoes. So, when it became 6 and went to kitchen, I see my mother doing heavy cooking in the kitchen and using the only big pan we have. So, I said "mom, why you're doing this heavy cooking, you know that our dinner comes always at this time?". She goes "Oh, I'm cooking for your sister". And all I said after that was: "Why you cooking for her? Can't she cook herself in her own house?". And when I said that, all the sudden her face turned into red and she unleashed whole hell on me. Started screaming like a crazy, calling me names. Then went to my wife, accused her of putting me against my sister and her, calling her enemy of family, even though my wife didn't say anything. And she forbid us to mention my sister's name at all in this house or she would kick us from the house! She was also swinging knife in her hand and was very aggresive, almost tried to physically go after us. I recorded a video, but sadly after she put down the knife. That's the person we're dealing with. She's very aggressive and horirbly overprotective of my sister. Now, let me tell you a few things about my sister: She has her own house, she works, so does her husband. They have 2 kids and a dog, they have a car and they have 2 babysitters. Clearly they're not struggling as we do. Yet, she always sends her kids here, every weekend like a clock. No one cares about me and my wife's privacy or asks if we want those kids here or no. By the way, her kids are quite spoiled. Always crying and yelling if they don't get want they want and this is the result of my sister's and my mother's raising tactics. Oh, and my sister is very distant from me. She never messages me or calls me to even say a simple hi or ask me how I'm doing. She appears only once in a year to say happy birthday to us and that's it and when she's going to have a party with her friends, she always leaves her kids here to our mother, so she can have a fun time with her friends, while we're dealing here with her spoiled kids and enduring their screams.

If we survive this time to not get kicked out, then me and my wife need to be very careful from now on with her, especially me. I need to always remember that my mother is a ticking bomb and do my best to not provoke her, just give her yes or no answers or very small talk only when necessary.

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