Monologues monopolising conversations

[Pinkyponkalonk]

My MIL is a nice lady, very kind to my husband (her son) and our toddler daughter, has lots of friends and had a long professional career. She adores her family and would do anything for them.

However my relationship with her is floundering due to her absolutely monopolising conversations with long dull monologues on any and every subject. I find myself silent or monosyllasbic a lot of the time around her as any topic at all that is raised, she will then proceed to tell you every tiny thing she has ever experienced or knows about it - even something as simple as a potato.

If someone else is speaking, she will say 'yeah yeah yeah' eagerly (without realising she is) as she is anxiously trying to interject and take over again. If she asks you how you slept and you say 'good thank you' she will then launch into a long monologue outlining every detail of her nights sleep - and if someone else comes into the room, she will start again and tell them with exactly the same detail and length.

There are other issues with her being quite overbearing in her children's lives but I could cope with those if time with her wasn't sadly so dull and actually quite stressful due to her constant need to be talking. She is quite an anxious person and always so eager not to offend and to get everything right so I am baffled how she doesn't know how frustrating it can be to be around her. Her children get frustrated and annoyed with her but she just shrugs it off and carries on.

She is a nice person essentially but apparently has always been like this and everyone just lives with it. I am however finding it increasingly difficult to navigate and wondering if anyone else has ever come across this?

I am not looking for solutions such as spending less time with her or getting my husband to talk to her but wondering about coping strategies as I feel I am starting to be rude around her and I am generally quite polite and kind.

@EleanorDeCleaner

My FIL is exactly the same and whilst I'd say he is generous, he's not a nice person!

He's just a continuous wall of sound, and if you dare to speak you get scolded for interrupting. His monologues are 10% slagging off fat people (I am fat) for being weak, 10% berating his poor long suffering wife for some perceived misdemeanour, 20% bemoaning how he has to suffer the weakness and shallowness of other people, 10% about his bowel movements and the last 50% his memorised map of UK motorways and A roads.

You can only block them out and mentally slip away somewhere else. I've become expert at it - don't try to actively listen, that way madness lies. In any case, the waffling never requires a response. FIL likes to maintain 100% eye contact at all times to ensure you are keeping up, I just focus on a point just above his head and think about something else.

You can only block them out and mentally slip away somewhere else. I've become expert at it

I did this once and the person forgot what they were talking about and said ‘oh no what was I saying?’ and the question wasn’t rhetorical 😬 I had to say I had no idea to which she got annoyed I wasn’t paying attention. I got away with it by saying, well you were talking about it and you’ve forgotten too 😬☺️

I found @Zenlifeforme’S tips really helpful - thank you.

I’ve met people like this but the only person I have to see regularly who is like this is My aunt. it is absolutely draining. I have to almost physically hold myself back from shouting “shut up!”

Do people think there is some biological reason for it? I had a friend like this and she genuinely didn't seem aware what she was doing. It was so extreme. I had to let contact slide cos I couldn't stand it.

Are you my SIL?
DM is just like this and frankly, she's gotten far worse since we had all those lockdowns and also living alone
It's not even an elderly thing as such for her, she was known for this when she had a houseful of us. Her siblings are all the same and talk over each other all the time.

My mum was like this, too. But not only did she go on and on, she only ever told the same stories about my sister the golden child over and over (and over) again, decade after decade. She was kind in many ways and I actually felt sorry for her, because it was impossible to have a relationship with her because of the incessant talking on a loop.
OP, I don't know what to suggest to improve the situation. I believe that my mother was incapable of learning/changing and maybe your MIL is too. My sympathies.

This is my grandmother! It took an hour before she shut up long enough for me to tell her I was pregnant, and I had to explicitly say, ‘stop talking please,’ just so I could get my news out 😩

It’s so boring. I just give up on engaging her in conversation and just wait for her to leave. She couldn’t care less who is listening, or what they want to talk about - she is going to tell you the same stories, about what an amazing person she is, over and over again.

I agree with @BreadInCaptivity - it is habitual behaviour, like they’re stuck in a rut, mistakenly thinking that they are so interesting that we’re all enthralled in their monotonous repertoire.

Thank you all for the solidarity, support and advice! I've found it a surprisingly difficult situation as I have never had such an issue with someone I HAVE to have a relationship with before. I guess why the 'inlaw' cliche exists, being forced to spend quite a lot of time with people you wouldn't choose to normally.
My husband is a truly lovely man who is close to his mum but has his own ways of dealing with her and tries very hard to buffer her for me. It isn't working so well now that we have a child she is desperate to be close to (not her only grandchild luckily).
I am amazed how so many people it seems are utterly incapable of picking up social cues and cannot hold a reasonably normal conversation when there is no underlying reason for them not to.

I raise you my FIL who simply won't be deflected once he starts a story. He once spent 90 minutes telling us about a 60 minute tv documentary he'd watched about a king's remains being found in a car park in the Midlands. How could he take longer than the actual program itself?

If possible, find a reason to leave the room. There is no other way of holding back the dam.

My elderly mum monopolises any conversation - if anyone else chips in she says "Yes, Yes, Yes..." until she can nip back in and take over again. It's all ancient history plus a good measure of doom & gloom about her elderly friends that are unwell / dying / dead and her younger friends that are unwell / divorcing.

If there is a conversation going on with a subject that she knows nothing about, she tries to start a side or (worse) cross conversation as she hates to be excluded & then gets very huffy if no-one will play ball.

It is exhausting.

My sister does this and it’s exhausting and stressful. It actually makes me feel ill. She will openly sulk no matter how gently you intervene. There is a definite pattern to it.

I think there is a link with anxiety and my sister is worse in groups. I’ve noticed that as people switch off and withdraw their energy she increases the talking and it becomes utterly frantic to the point she doesn’t even know what she’s saying.

What happens next is people basically give up and fall silent and she goes full throttle at them. It’s actually quite aggressive.

She also constantly diverts energy away from the people who are present and puts in onto someobody who isn’t there. As others have mentioned if you say you are going on holiday she’ll start a monologue about her bosses holiday. It goes further than just being expected to listen about the bosses holiday, she sort of demands that you put your energy and attention onto the bosses holiday and sulks if you don’t.

There’s also the intricate detail of every aspect of her life. She doesn’t understand the emotional space between people and if she’s had an experience or a thought, you must experience it too.

It’s worth noting our dad is the same and I would seriously consider what sort of relationship she will be capable of having with your child. It’s not good for children to be around these adults that have no boundaries.

My gran has always done this. Never asks how you are or what you've been up to. She starts her monologue the minute she opens her door ("wait til I tell you...") then doesn't shut up until you leave. She picks a date in her past and works chronologically from there, seemingly oblivious that you haven't said anything for 3 hours straight. It's not due to old age, she's always been this way.

She's pretty deaf now so I content myself by saying "yes you've told me that fucking story before for fuck sake" at just the right pitch that she can't hear me. She sees my lips moving. She doesn't care.

More and more I simply don't visit her on my own anymore. She'd talk at me for hours- a captive audience. Better to visit with other family so at least you've got someone else to talk to or who can roll their eyes and throw her the vicky behind her back.

@Pixiedust1234

Unfortunately I can be like this. I don't want to be but I am struggling to stop. Basically I only have a DH and DD to talk to. DH will only talk about his sport. Anything else is a series of grunts, yeah, maybes even when trying to discuss house repairs or family holiday. He doesn't want a conversation as he will do it his way anyway. DD does chat to me sometimes but she works and loves her sm like any normal young adult. I don't leave the house. I haven't for literally years.

In short I have nothing interesting to talk about, and even if i did, i have nobody to talk with so the few chances I get I verbally vomit just to feel alive and not somebody's imagination. I exist, I don't live and its soul destroying.

Oh I love this thread. My Dad is the same. I saw him last night and it was pretty much spotlight on him for 3 hours, wittering on about the same old crap. Doesn't show any interest in my life or what I'm up to. Just wants to talk about his finances, budgeting and a never ending monologue about his weekly food shop. The guy is only 70 ffs!!

He's always been self absorbed but it's reaching new levels of hell now!

An elderly relative of DH's used to do this. It was JUST AWFUL as she'd not only monopolise the conversation, she did it with great relish, as though she'd had to interrupt you because you were just so boring, and she had a MUCH more interesting thing to say and she'd bellow it out to the whole room with a huge smile on her face like she was doing us all a favour. And she'd keep talking loudly and clearly over anyone who wanted to say something, smiling all the while, never listening or interacting except to put someone down so she could launch into her next anecdote.

It was somehow even worse that her husband is a delightful man who indulged her in this for some reason. Maybe he was just too polite to say anything. Everyone just dreaded her visits, but liked having him around (if we could get him alone).

We found the only way to deal with her was to do it in a large enough group of people that everyone could move around conversations and have a break from time to time. Do you have other family you could invite around when she comes over? Because all the well-meaning boundaries conversations PP are detailing here would have meant absolutely nothing to this woman - even if we could have got her to shut up long enough to listen to them.

This is my DM too - long, exhausting, overly-detailed monologues which leave little room for me or my contributions. I wouldn’t mind the long stories in a way, as can see she doesn’t have enough opportunity to talk to other people - I think there’s a bit of a frustrated loneliness there, coupled with the fact that she used to have a job involving a lot of talking - but not being able to finish even a single sentence during the course of ‘conversation’ is really infuriating.
I have a friend like it too - talks at huge length, very forcefully, and will accuse you of interrupting if you try to join in and not listening if you ask a question showing you’ve missed a small detail of the diatribe.
My ways of dealing with overtalking are a mostly a bit pass agg, so no real advice - there were some good suggestions about boundaries up thread - but I’d love to know why people do it and think it’s ok.

My Mum too.
A constant monologue, brain dump.
Plus she repeats boring stories over and over. No dementia.

What I have noticed about monologuers is that whilst they expect you to listen to them, they rarely do the same for others. They will get bored, usually after a minute or two, make their excuses and walk off.

I have decided to do the same. An alternative approach is that when they stop talking (eventually) there is complete silence, nothing. Then just walk away, muttering.

I went on a hen weekend about 8 years ago and all of us spent the whole time being monologued at by one of the attendees. It was hideous. Eight of us sitting round a table with her talking shit at us all, and if any of us dared have a sub conversation she'd start repeatedly saying our names to force us to listen.

After this I vowed that I would never, ever be monologued at again and would not tolerate it again. And I don't. If someone is like this I just walk off, say 'hmmm' and go on my phone or ignore them. If they do it regularly I cut them out of my life, or go extremely low contact with them.

If they are offended because I'm not listening to them then they can fuck off. They're the ones with no manners and have no business being offended because someone won't listen to their boring drivel.

My FIL is like this but he lacks the awareness to know I’m not even listening. I take myself out of the room, play on my ‘phone and go on MN to shut him out. I had to stop listening one day when I felt myself becoming dizzy with trying so hard to concentrate. I realised there was no point of ever since I have just tuned out. He doesn’t notice so no harm done.

In your case, I’d start turning this into a game, maybe guess how long she will talk for about a topic, how long before she asks a question or maybe a list of phrases/keywords for bingo. Other than that, no advice.

this made me laugh. 😄 🤣

I had a colleague like this which I know is different but rather than let her start her lengthy monologue and struggle to interrupt, be preemptive; when you are talking and she gets agitated (where she says “yes, yes” to hurry you along so she gets to speak) cut her off and say some like :

“It seems like this isn’t actually a conversation and instead you are just rushing me along for your chance to speak AT me rather than TO me, at length! It’s really obvious and unsubtle. Why do you do it ?… in ten words or less please”.

My colleague actually laughed at the “ten words or less” bit and we then had laugh about whether it should be ten words or fewer. Got on ok from then.

More and more I simply don't visit her on my own anymore. She'd talk at me for hours- a captive audience. Better to visit with other family so at least you've got someone else to talk to or who can roll their eyes and throw her the vicky behind her back

that's pretty bad. I wouldn't visit if you hate her that much.

I'm not unsympathetic to being at the beck and call of 'a talker'.

I've had a colleague in my previous job who did this - used to drive me (and everyone else) nuts. Such a relief I don't have to work with her anymore!

I feel your pain. I have a family member like this. problem is she seems to make up narratives in her head about other people and spouts them non-stop as fact. I always think her stories about what they did or think can't possibly be right because she never draws breath long enough to ask anyone anything about themselves. (And also because I have heard narratives about me that are frank;ly bizarre.)

Urgh It's such a bug of mine!!

It makes you feel like people don't give a shit about what you have to say like you don't matter. Like they are using you to unload. Awful.

I know a few people like this and I'm getting impatient with all of them. Yes it makes me look arsey and rude. My mum is like this. My colleague is like this.

My partner is like this but not because of an inflated ego/selfish/etc - rather it's down to adhd. Which I understand myself but still, it's so frustrating. He can't go to a supermarket without having a half hour conversation with a stranger and losing track of time.

I get the mind chatter too and urgency to speak at times but with him it was getting to the point where I literally would be telling him something so important and he would interrupt and take it mid sentence tell me what HE thinks and feels, tell me a story about it concerning HIM and then go off on a tangent over that story and tell me something totally unrelated and then tell me a story about something else unrelated and it will go on and on...

Half an hour later he's finished and he's wondering why I'm quiet and he still doesn't know that I got made redundant that day and I needed a shoulder to cry on.

Or most times I'd just fucking forgot what I was trying to say. Or he'd not even finish and go 'sorry what was you saying?' But he'd finish what he'd have to say and carry on with his day, walk out of the room. All conversations were over shadowed by him.

Instead of backing down deflated, I started bluntly going 'what I was saying was...' or 'anyway back to my story/point...' and I'd say it frequently - multiple times every conversation we had so it was noticeable.

He started to realise that bloody hell maybe he was stealing the show here. It got a little bit better from there I feel like cues help, a little passive aggressive tactic but if you are stubborn and repetitive about hinting that actually - you was talking and it is unacceptable then eventually they will get the message that you are putting your foot down. Even a bit of a rude 'do you even want to hear about my day?' Is enough of a shock and confrontation to stop people in their tracks and back down sometimes.

I ended up snapping at my partner the other week when I snapped 'will you just let me talk for once and stop interrupting! You are always interrupting me and it's rude!'

He went quiet, apologised a lot and now he notices when he's interrupting and stops himself to hand the conversation back over. Sometimes you just need to be bold.