Monologues monopolising conversations

[Pinkyponkalonk]

My MIL is a nice lady, very kind to my husband (her son) and our toddler daughter, has lots of friends and had a long professional career. She adores her family and would do anything for them.

However my relationship with her is floundering due to her absolutely monopolising conversations with long dull monologues on any and every subject. I find myself silent or monosyllasbic a lot of the time around her as any topic at all that is raised, she will then proceed to tell you every tiny thing she has ever experienced or knows about it - even something as simple as a potato.

If someone else is speaking, she will say 'yeah yeah yeah' eagerly (without realising she is) as she is anxiously trying to interject and take over again. If she asks you how you slept and you say 'good thank you' she will then launch into a long monologue outlining every detail of her nights sleep - and if someone else comes into the room, she will start again and tell them with exactly the same detail and length.

There are other issues with her being quite overbearing in her children's lives but I could cope with those if time with her wasn't sadly so dull and actually quite stressful due to her constant need to be talking. She is quite an anxious person and always so eager not to offend and to get everything right so I am baffled how she doesn't know how frustrating it can be to be around her. Her children get frustrated and annoyed with her but she just shrugs it off and carries on.

She is a nice person essentially but apparently has always been like this and everyone just lives with it. I am however finding it increasingly difficult to navigate and wondering if anyone else has ever come across this?

I am not looking for solutions such as spending less time with her or getting my husband to talk to her but wondering about coping strategies as I feel I am starting to be rude around her and I am generally quite polite and kind.

And though your MIL may be “overly nice” OP, perhaps you too are overly amenable. Creates a vicious circle. I had this with a friend once.

I am reading this thread with interest as this sounds exactly like my mum. Really interesting point that has been raised about the socialisation / people pleasing aspect which definitely strikes a chord. With my mum I have to just let it wash all over me and smile and nod while asking the odd bland question. If I actively listen, I end up feeling the need to challenge what she says as most of it is absolute garbage and we end up fighting and I feel terrible so it’s smile and nod. It’s gotten worse with age as she forgets half way through a long story what she is talking about or goes off on a massive tangent and my mind just boggles

I’d love to hear the viewpoint of one of these conversation monopolising people I.e why do they do it? But I suspect they wouldn’t have the self awareness to realise what they’re doing.

@Mrstwiddle interestingly my MIL does know to some extent but it has become what I think she thinks is just a quirk of hers.

You are welcome OP.

I actually noticed my DM starting to do this during lockdown - which was very out of character.

Part of it I think was the relief of having to talk to someone other than DF (who is lovely but isn't as chatty as DM) and them rehashing conversations but she didn't have anything new to tell me as her social life (usually very full) had obviously dried up.

It was like she needed to talk (and talk) but all she has was the minutiae of her day but didn't want to listen to me because my life in lockdown was equally boring 🤣.

It's back to normal now, but I can sort of see how people end up doing this and as per my pp that it becomes cyclical because through habit they don't listen to anyone else enough to have anything other than themselves to talk about.

I appreciate my response to a colleague might be inappropriate for a MIL so perhaps start a bit more gently by interrupting and saying something like "I'm sure you'd like to know about your GC's day yesterday" and deliberately "hold" the dialogue for 5 mins or so.

Realistically you can choose to life with it, actively challenge her, or try to subtly shift her behaviour by considering why she does this and offering a counterpoint or intervention to address that issue.

@DontLandMeInIt I don't think I've ever been described as amenable but I'd be happy to be so! We live too far away for a short visit, it's too far to do in a day and back so has to be at least overnight.

I'm pretty good at being a bit of a brick wall in terms of not allowing constant contact and keeping a healthy distance but we do have to spend time with her and I'm not going to make it difficult for my husband and child, I just need to try and understand why it's like it is and what I can do to cope.

[quote Pinkyponkalonk]@Mrstwiddle interestingly my MIL does know to some extent but it has become what I think she thinks is just a quirk of hers.[/quote]

Not a great quirk when her GC ends up putting her hands over her ears....

It sounds like she doesn't understand just how draining this is and how its actually impacting important relationships.

Update to my post above, I think your DH needs a frank conversation with her (as I did with my DM in lockdown - basically said over the phone I wasn't going to indulge her in one hour telephone calls of her discussing mindless rubbish nor did I expect my DS to accommodate that either).

Sometimes I think you simply need to spell it out.

If she's actually aware of this then is not about making he understand what she's doing, but making her aware of the toll her behaviour is taking and because she is generous and generally kind it's unfair not to let her know this.

I understand why some people do it because some of my close family are like this. My children are neurodiverse, and I suspect my DH is too. He talks like the attached picture, but because he's aware he does it and we have discussed it, I can be blunt to him and say the "skip to the end" comment I mentioned previously.

I know how tiresome it is, but I genuinely think some people don't do it out of malice or selfishness or arrogance or whatever. I'm not sure how much easier that makes it for the listener though

I'm not diagnosing anyone on this thread with anything by the way. This is just a stand alone comment.

@BreadInCaptivity I think you're right about a frank conversation. Part of the reason I posted here was because I wanted to try and give a fair view and understand if I'm overreacting or not trying hard enough to accommodate how she is. But knowing that others are facing similar issues helps as I think minimising it is adding to the issue.
I think we will get a very defensive reaction initially but she will probably reflect and admit she could try to change as she is aware (even vaguely) of how she is but not the impact it has.
@GumbalinaToothington interestingly, that bottom diagram is spot on.

Does she live in her own? And then when she comes to you, she lets loose her inner monologue?

Don’t know if this is any help, but I’ve a friend who gets long-windedly ranty, and what I do sometimes is say ‘why don’t you save the rest for later? I wanted to tell you about (my holiday/work)’ and she usually stops with good enough grace.

Does she live alone, not have much to do or others to talk to?

Tough if it’s your MIL. I had a colleague who was exactly like this and the odd time we went for a drink id basically have finished mine before she touched hers as she never seemed to take a breath!
So you have my sympathy although you’ll have to think of your own strategies to manage!

DP’s DF is like this. I’d definitely recommend doing an activity or chore whilst she talks at you. My kitchen is sparkling after a visit from his parents

Be prepared for her not to get it if you challenge her - anything like that DP has tried to raise with him and he either changes the subject or pretends not to know what you’re talking about.

Unfortunately I can be like this. I don't want to be but I am struggling to stop. Basically I only have a DH and DD to talk to. DH will only talk about his sport. Anything else is a series of grunts, yeah, maybes even when trying to discuss house repairs or family holiday. He doesn't want a conversation as he will do it his way anyway. DD does chat to me sometimes but she works and loves her sm like any normal young adult. I don't leave the house. I haven't for literally years.

In short I have nothing interesting to talk about, and even if i did, i have nobody to talk with so the few chances I get I verbally vomit just to feel alive and not somebody's imagination. I exist, I don't live and its soul destroying.

@Waterfordaston that made my day

My mother does this. If you mention something that happened to you last week she will then tell us the instances when similar things happened in her life and then where she lived at the time, what the house was like, details about funny things that happened there.

Normal conversation -
Me: someone followed me home last night for a bit.
Most people: oh that’s awful. Glad you’re okay. Can someone pick you up next time.

Conversation with my mum.
Me: someone followed me home a bit last night.
Mum: Oh that happened to me in 1960 when I was living in Bedford, I had a mini. Did I ever tell you about how I learnt to drive in that car. It was a lovely red car, me and my boyfriend at the time used to drive out to watch sunsets in it. There was this one place we used to go……..

It’s like her mind goes to a memory and she’s compelled to say it. Think that’s how she thinks conversations work. My dad is like it too, they spend a lot of time together and not much time with many other people. When they are with other people I also think they think it’s their job to entertain everybody with their stories. It is very odd and I do feel that they really don’t have any consideration for anyone else is saying. I do worry too that they won’t have a relationship with my children because they never listen to them and just talk about themselves. My kids don’t see them much and it’s a big can of worms to open.

When I first got together with my now husband aged 25. He pointed out that I did similar on occasion and that it was odd and made people feel awkward. I pretty much stopped doing it straight away and even still check myself to make sure what I’m saying is relevant I’m not bulldozing over someone else’s conversation.

My real dad also does this with regards to food. If you tell him where you’ve been recently and he’s been there too he talks about all the food that he’s eaten there. He also makes weird sex noises he talks about how nice food was. He doesn’t monopolise the conversation every time and it’s kind of endearing how often his mind turns to food.

@Ohchristmastreeohchristmastree

My mother does this. If you mention something that happened to you last week she will then tell us the instances when similar things happened in her life and then where she lived at the time, what the house was like, details about funny things that happened there.

Normal conversation -
Me: someone followed me home last night for a bit.
Most people: oh that’s awful. Glad you’re okay. Can someone pick you up next time.

Conversation with my mum.
Me: someone followed me home a bit last night.
Mum: Oh that happened to me in 1960 when I was living in Bedford, I had a mini. Did I ever tell you about how I learnt to drive in that car. It was a lovely red car, me and my boyfriend at the time used to drive out to watch sunsets in it. There was this one place we used to go……..

It’s like her mind goes to a memory and she’s compelled to say it. Think that’s how she thinks conversations work. My dad is like it too, they spend a lot of time together and not much time with many other people. When they are with other people I also think they think it’s their job to entertain everybody with their stories. It is very odd and I do feel that they really don’t have any consideration for anyone else is saying. I do worry too that they won’t have a relationship with my children because they never listen to them and just talk about themselves. My kids don’t see them much and it’s a big can of worms to open.

When I first got together with my now husband aged 25. He pointed out that I did similar on occasion and that it was odd and made people feel awkward. I pretty much stopped doing it straight away and even still check myself to make sure what I’m saying is relevant I’m not bulldozing over someone else’s conversation.

My real dad also does this with regards to food. If you tell him where you’ve been recently and he’s been there too he talks about all the food that he’s eaten there. He also makes weird sex noises he talks about how nice food was. He doesn’t monopolise the conversation every time and it’s kind of endearing how often his mind turns to food.

Weird sex noises about how nice food was.

Lord have mercy!🤮😆

And though your MIL may be “overly nice” OP, perhaps you too are overly amenable. Creates a vicious circle. I had this with a friend once

^ This only because you obviously can’t control or change MIL but you can change your response to her. I recently had to end a friendship over similar monopolising behaviour and by the end of it I literally had a visceral reaction to my ex friend who is in fact like your MIL actually a pretty good person with some pretty good traits too but she was also an emotional vampire which I suspect your MIL is too. I am a complete doormat. I am looking into how I can stop doormatting.

My MIL is like this. She turns every single conversation into something about her or DH's brothers divorces.
At our wedding in August she looked miserable because it was a happy occasion.

Anything upsetting or bad that happens she's straight on it, telling everyone like a a sad absorbing vampire. Anything happy? Skims over it,

She drives me insane and I have previously interrupted to put my point across but she does not agree with your opinion or feelings unless they align with her own.

When she phoned DH we could leave the room and come back an hour later because she just talks and talks and she doesn't need our input.

It is absolutely exhausting.

I have only ever met elderly people who do this though - is it just an older person thing?

My mum does this.

She'll start talking about something, go off on so many irrelevant/mundane tangents that she forgets what she was actually talking about, so she starts again.

I find myself internally screaming. She's in her 50s, no dementia or MH issues. She just enjoys talking. I'm exhausted when I leave her house.

@mydailymailhell

I am reading this thread with interest as this sounds exactly like my mum. Really interesting point that has been raised about the socialisation / people pleasing aspect which definitely strikes a chord. With my mum I have to just let it wash all over me and smile and nod while asking the odd bland question. If I actively listen, I end up feeling the need to challenge what she says as most of it is absolute garbage and we end up fighting and I feel terrible so it’s smile and nod. It’s gotten worse with age as she forgets half way through a long story what she is talking about or goes off on a massive tangent and my mind just boggles

Same.

My MIL does this. It's very annoying and if you do manage to squeeze in a sentence or two she just can't wait to interrupt you and start prattling on again.

She is a lovely lady but she just loves an audience.

Oh gosh this is my mil too. She asks me what I've been up to, I mention I've been knitting, she never asks me what I'm knitting but then proceeds to monologue about everything she has ever knitted. I don't think there is anything I could say I've been doing that wouldn't result in her giving a 10 min soliloquy. The family are aware of this and we cope with it by texting eachother emojis and little asides so we cope with humour.

Yes, she goes over everything so thoroughly in the course that it leaves no room for anyone to be arsey with you.
She also gets you to look at why you may struggle to set the boundary (like core beliefs eg i’m a rude person/bad person if I have a need etc). This can keep It all in perspective and ensures you continue to calmly state your boundary and you know full well you have a right.
The empathy bit is really good too, she talks about the importance of that so there is no conflict or negativity. She is one of those people you listen to/watch and can see she has done all the work herself and she has nothing but love and understanding for humanity. V empowering. It’s not a quick answer but I think one that is like putting the work in now to get a long-standing future improvement. They’ll be loads of other boundaries courses online, or books on how to set boundaries etc. this seems to be the crutch of it with your MIL I’d say.

Oh and I’m going on now, but In the course she mentions that setting boundaries strengthens connections with others, rather than reduces them. You mentioned she was anxious around you. Anxiety is ‘insight we haven’t found a good use for yet’ right, so it could well be she senses your discomfort with her but doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong. Everyone has blinds spots after all and this appears to be one of hers. You could end up with a really close and meaningful relationship with her from doing this work together. I bet she will be grateful once you’ve worked through it. Even if she feels initial discomfort/snappiness, as long as you keep the compassion for her she has no reason to act negatively toward you (for long). It’s your boundary and you have a right to it. She will see that even if not straight away. No one is being mean or vindictive here.
Hard work I know, but maybe easier than having to put up with all the listening? good luck with it all, you’ll get there in the end, as we all do xx