Has anyone else gone through this?

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 2022-04-11T21:20:41+00:00

Me and my partner have been together 3 years. He has 2 kids, both late teens. I have none. We have spoken sporadically over the years that I might want kids and he always said he didn’t but we just were so happy otherwise we brushed it under the carpet. I’m 36 now so I’ve been thinking for the last few months that I can’t keep burying my head and I need to decide what I want. We were also talking about buying a house so I thought it would be best to have this conversation beforehand. So I told him I would settle for only having the one but that I would like the chance to be a mum (if possible). He told me he just won’t consider it. So now the only option is to split up, but we both still love each other, don’t want to split up, and anytime we broach splitting up we both get so upset & it doesn’t happen. Has anyone found themselves in this situation and what was the outcome? I worry I might not meet anyone else anyway but I know I will resent him if we stay together.

SophieSoSo · 11/04/2022 23:04

You have to leave.

The resentment will kill the relationship anyway, you still have time to become a mum but you need to move quickly, not in another year or two.

You both want different things, there’s no compromise to be had. Don’t give up your chance to be a mum.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 11/04/2022 23:14

I know, it’s just so hard when we still love each other & I have the fear of the unknown. I also think how am I going to get over him, meet someone else I click with and have a baby all within the next few years?

OP posts:

SarahBellam · 11/04/2022 23:16

If you really want to become a mum you need to leave him. You can have one or the other but you can’t have both. OP, I’ve had kids and I’ve had a husband, and I’d choose kids every single time. If you want to do it get yourself to a fertility clinic and get the ball rolling.

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 11/04/2022 23:19

I was wondering if I should get my fertility checked but wouldn’t even know where to start? Would a GP do tests based on my age or would I need to have been trying for so long? I have been pregnant before but miscarried and that was about ten years ago.

OP posts:

Anthurium · 12/04/2022 06:21

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

Sorry you're going through this Op, and for the miscarriage you'd had some time ago . It's a tough position to be in, however you do need to decide whether you want to be in control, or allow a relationship to decide for you.

I'm a solo mother by choice, as we're known, and I had my son aged 39 via IVF and a sperm donor. I was divorced aged 36, and spent the following few years OLD. I appreciate our stories are different in that respect, but what I found being in my mid 30s at that point is that a number of men who were happy to date me (they all had had their children much younger), but wouldn't consider having more. Some were upfront about this, others attempted to future fake me by telling me that maybe for a 'right' woman they'd consider it...I found it increasingly frustrating that they knew being a parent is a unique experience, and if a woman is yearning for it, it is unlikely to go away. I did go on to have two relationships with two men who didn't have children, these also didn't work out and after that I decided to take control of the situation. I promised myself that I would I try on my own before it's too late.

You asked about Fertility Tests. As I did my treatment privately, I'm not familiar with what your GP can do. As for private fertility clinics, you can book a consultation with a consultant (for a few £100) and they would discuss your situation, medical history, possible protocol as well as fertility tests. I believe some clinics offer 'Fertility MOTs' where you can just do the specific tests and ovarian reserve scan to get a preliminary idea of your fertility. Conception board on MN has some useful threads about this, as well as Fertility Friends.

My son is here now, and he's lovely. No man is worth giving up this experience for. And I have loved and been in love. I'm late to motherhood and I only wish I'd started earlier. Should your relationship break down in the future, and nobody can say it won't, your partner will always have his children, whereas you will have been robbed of being a parent. Fertility is fickle and nobody can predict in advance whether they will encounter issues or not. Conceive easily or not, and carry pregnancy to term to not. Fertility stats by age group are an indication of what to expect, you may be within them or outside them. And I also agree with others, resentment will eventually seep into your relationship and potentially destroy it.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/04/2022 06:24

Why would you resent him when he's always said he doesn't want more kids? This was your choice.

Bootwall · 12/04/2022 07:11

To be fair to him, he's always been honest with you.

Really tough situation but I echo PP, you either make your peace with never having kids and staying with him, or leaving and dating pretty immediately in the hopes of finding another partner who shares your desire.

Would you consider sperm donation and being a single parent?

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 12/04/2022 07:26

Works both ways though, he always knew I might want them. We are both guilty of burying heads. I’m not sure I would consider sperm donor, ideally I would want the family unit. But I also know it’s not easy to meet someone who ticks all the boxes & I don’t want to just settle or have a baby with someone I don’t fully love. Every way I turn I see pros & cons to each scenario 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 12/04/2022 07:29

@Anthurium thank you for your post. Im glad to hear you eventually had your baby and are happy. Can I ask are you open with people in real life about how your baby was conceived?

OP posts:

Peachtoiletpaper · 12/04/2022 07:37

To be fair he has always been honest so if you definitely want children it's time to take him at his word and take steps to make that happen. I am a similar age but not in a position to use a sperm donor (retraining so couldn't be a single mum for the next few years). I'm considering a co parenting relationship. Bear in mind this relationship may not go the distance anyway, sorry to say.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2022 07:42

Would he come to counselling with you to thrash it out? He might change his mind if he can get to the bottom of his fears of having another. He might not, but you’d have more information on whether you could accept his point of view. You’ll have a chance to work through your feelings with an outsider’s help.

Anthurium · 12/04/2022 07:44

[quote Lightattheendofthetunnel22]@Anthurium thank you for your post. Im glad to hear you eventually had your baby and are happy. Can I ask are you open with people in real life about how your baby was conceived?[/quote]
@CloseYourEyesAndSeees

I'm open with the fact my son is donor conceived, if anyone asks "where the father/partner is?", and sometimes I volunteer this information myself depending on the context of the situation I'm in at the time. I'm 100% comfortable with my decision and will be open with the information with my son.

Also, the sperm donor I have used is "ID release" donor meaning that when my son turns 18 he will be able to get more identifiable information from the HFEA (Human Fertility and Embryology Authority) in the UK and make contact with the sperm donor.

Musttryharder2021 · 12/04/2022 07:50

@NoSquirrels

Would he come to counselling with you to thrash it out? He might change his mind if he can get to the bottom of his fears of having another. He might not, but you’d have more information on whether you could accept his point of view. You’ll have a chance to work through your feelings with an outsider’s help.

They've had three years to "thrash it out " though...this is just more fertility time wasted for the Op...why waste time conjoling someone into something they've clearly stated from the outset that they won't do?

KosherDill · 12/04/2022 07:54

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

Works both ways though, he always knew I might want them. We are both guilty of burying heads. I’m not sure I would consider sperm donor, ideally I would want the family unit. But I also know it’s not easy to meet someone who ticks all the boxes & I don’t want to just settle or have a baby with someone I don’t fully love. Every way I turn I see pros & cons to each scenario 😞

I don't think it does work both ways.

He's been happy with status quo. You want a big change; hence the onus is on you to leave. It's not on him to change his mind.

Frankly speaking as one 20 years older than you, I'd rather have the man than the kids. The odds of ending up with both are not great.

KosherDill · 12/04/2022 07:55

@NoSquirrels

Would he come to counselling with you to thrash it out? He might change his mind if he can get to the bottom of his fears of having another. He might not, but you’d have more information on whether you could accept his point of view. You’ll have a chance to work through your feelings with an outsider’s help.

No one should be counseled / coerced into reversing such a monumental decision. How reprehensible.

Peachtoiletpaper · 12/04/2022 08:02

You can't counsel someone into wanting kids. He's said no. He might relent if he sees she's serious about leaving but I wouldn't count on it. He's already a father so knows what it entails. I doubt it's a fear of the unknown or whatever else might cause someone to say no.i wouldn't be spending more time on this.

Xfan · 12/04/2022 08:10

@KosherDill

"Frankly speaking as one 20 years older than you, I'd rather have the man than the kids. The odds of ending up with both are not great"

Why would you advise the Op to have the man?

pictish · 12/04/2022 08:16

I’d not pick any man over having my own baby. Sorry this is happening OP.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2022 08:36

@Peachtoiletpaper

You can't counsel someone into wanting kids. He's said no. He might relent if he sees she's serious about leaving but I wouldn't count on it. He's already a father so knows what it entails. I doubt it's a fear of the unknown or whatever else might cause someone to say no.i wouldn't be spending more time on this.

I’m not suggesting the counselling as a means of forcing him into having another child! But it’s a relationship issue they need to work through one way or another and as OP says they’ve both buried their heads about it and both get really upset at the idea of splitting up. They need to find acceptance upon whatever path they both take now - that’s what the counselling suggestion is about.

NoSquirrels · 12/04/2022 08:38

No one should be counseled / coerced into reversing such a monumental decision. How reprehensible.

See my reply above! I’m definitely not suggesting he should be coerced into changing his mind. More that working it out together with someone to guide the discussion might be helpful.

ElaineMarieBenes · 12/04/2022 08:49

I was in the same position as you and I gave DH an ultimatum and we stayed together. We have been together nearly 40 years now and are retired. Recently we were talking about regrets and we both agree, given our time again we wouldn’t have kids! However we both recognise that if DH hadn’t agreed to my ultimatum we would definitely have split up and I would have had a D.C. with someone else (and then I may have also regretted leaving DH!).

The above is with hindsight - you have to go with what you want now!

anewway · 12/04/2022 09:19

Sadly Op you need to leave. The maybes will kill it, it will still be on your mind if you stay. It's hard but leave. You are absolutely young enough to meet someone and have kids, it seems late but honestly it isn't. Many of us at school gates that had our kids at 39/40.

Musttryharder2021 · 12/04/2022 09:40

@ElaineMarieBenes

I was in the same position as you and I gave DH an ultimatum and we stayed together. We have been together nearly 40 years now and are retired. Recently we were talking about regrets and we both agree, given our time again we wouldn’t have kids! However we both recognise that if DH hadn’t agreed to my ultimatum we would definitely have split up and I would have had a D.C. with someone else (and then I may have also regretted leaving DH!).

The above is with hindsight - you have to go with what you want now!

@ElaineMarieBenes

Why do you regret having children?

Peachtoiletpaper · 12/04/2022 11:06

Got you, nosquirrels fair enough. I suppose he can't be much clearer than he has been about not wanting a child though and is happy with the status quo so I expect it might be down to the OP to make this decision and see it through rather than expect it to be a joint one.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2022 11:28

I feel for you but at least he’s been clear. People rarely change their minds, especially if they’re already parents. He’s already done the whole kids thing and the years in the trenches are long behind him now.

This is a you thing not a two of you together thing I think. You need to decide whether or not you want a chance to be a mum. So imagine reaching menopause and knowing it never happened but you’re with him - how do you feel? You leave him and don’t manage to be a mum - how do you feel? You stay and accept it won’t happen - how do you feel?

I’m a step mum too and we had a grim time having DD, we had 5 mcs on the way, I had two surgeries, took shit loads of drugs and after 3 years of all that it finally happened. But it’s not promised to any of us and the older you are the harder it can be.

Making the sacrifices to be a step mum without getting to be a mum would have been too much for me and would be for many women. It doesn’t stop when they leave home, they’ll always be in your life, he’ll always be a dad and then maybe a grandad.

But he’s always been clear that part of his life is complete, which is fair enough, and he’ll have been hoping you let go of thinking about it. He’s happy with the status quo, he’s not going to end the relationship as he doesn’t need to.

You need to decide if he’s enough for you to give up on the chance to be a mum and a child of your own. You know there’s no compromise. One child certainly isn’t a compromise!

If he’s not then you need to move on quickly.