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Original poster

Has anyone else gone through this?

52 replies

Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 11/04/2022 22:20

Me and my partner have been together 3 years. He has 2 kids, both late teens. I have none. We have spoken sporadically over the years that I might want kids and he always said he didn’t but we just were so happy otherwise we brushed it under the carpet. I’m 36 now so I’ve been thinking for the last few months that I can’t keep burying my head and I need to decide what I want. We were also talking about buying a house so I thought it would be best to have this conversation beforehand. So I told him I would settle for only having the one but that I would like the chance to be a mum (if possible). He told me he just won’t consider it. So now the only option is to split up, but we both still love each other, don’t want to split up, and anytime we broach splitting up we both get so upset & it doesn’t happen. Has anyone found themselves in this situation and what was the outcome? I worry I might not meet anyone else anyway but I know I will resent him if we stay together.

OP posts:
ElaineMarieBenes · 12/04/2022 15:26

@Musttryharder2021 - if I’d known then what I know now I would definitely not have had kids. I love my DCs (and DSCs) very much and we are both very proud of them - but it’s a lifelong commitment that, given the choice, I wouldn’t choose to take on (with the benefit of only hindsight!).

Sunnytwobridges · 12/04/2022 16:00

Frankly speaking as one 20 years older than you, I'd rather have the man than the kids. The odds of ending up with both are not great.

I agree. I wouldn't give up a great relationship to have a kid, and I have a DC.

OP you are young enough to find someone, I wouldn't try to change his mind or do counselling (how ridiculous). It's possible to meet someone in the next couple of years and have a baby, I've seen MANY people do it.

Musttryharder2021 · 12/04/2022 16:41

@Sunnytwobridges

Frankly speaking as one 20 years older than you, I'd rather have the man than the kids. The odds of ending up with both are not great.

I agree. I wouldn't give up a great relationship to have a kid, and I have a DC.

OP you are young enough to find someone, I wouldn't try to change his mind or do counselling (how ridiculous). It's possible to meet someone in the next couple of years and have a baby, I've seen MANY people do it.

But a "great" relationship can collapse at any point really... And for all those who met setted in order to have children as it was their last chance saloon many didn't meet anyone. You really can't say for certain
Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 12/04/2022 17:50

@ElaineMarieBenes but do you not think you are able to say that in the comfort that you DO have kids? Such as when people say it’s easier being single but stay married because the reality of being single is a lot different. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 12/04/2022 17:53

I wouldn’t try and persuade him otherwise but I would like to understand why he is so adamant about no more. I also wonder about all these other families I see where the man has grown kids & didn’t want more but has had a baby later in life as the woman has none. It makes me question why they can do it?

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 12/04/2022 18:04

I'm sorry but I think you know where this is going. He has been honest with you from the start as well. Some people just don't want them! I'm in a newish relationship with someone I adore and we are both 100% adamant that we don't want anymore. We both have older children from previous relationships. I would end things if he decided he wanted one, it's that important to me.

mrziggycoco · 12/04/2022 18:15

Yes you will resent him if you get to 50, no children, and you look across at him taking a call from his child and think ‘that can never be me’.

If you want children you need to make steps to have a family now so I think you need to break up with him, even if it's upsetting.

This happened to my friend, but in the end he had two further children with her and they are now very happy, this was done to avoid splitting up because she wanted children but he already had some and had had a vasectomy, it wasn't that he didn't want any more, I think he was okay about it either way.

You say this man loves you but this cannot be the case as he is treating your biological innate inclination towards motherhood as something he can just brush off. You can't, this is your one life and this is your one time to have children, you can't have them once menopause hits, and I'm 40 and it's hitting me now.

Dump him, then be clear about what you want and find a man who wants the same -of which there are many.

ElaineMarieBenes · 12/04/2022 18:38

@lightattheendofthetunnel22 - absolutely as I say, it is only with hindsight! You can only go on what you know and want now! I was clear then and know I would have left DH if he hadn’t agreed! I’m glad he stayed!

dollydimple123 · 12/04/2022 18:44

Horrible situation and neither of you are wrong but if you want a baby you've got to leave. If he does have a baby it will be to make you happy which will make him resentful. If you don't have a baby you'll resent him when the chance is gone. I wouldn't of given up the chance of my own baby for anyone but having kids isn't the be all and end all.

Good luck to you both Thanks

SerendipitySunshine · 12/04/2022 19:33

Would he be open to the idea of you having a child from a donor while still being in a relationship with him? He would because stepdad not a birth father and not have parental responsibility?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2022 20:17

Well have you asked him why? Surely that’s come in 3 years.

It’s probably that he just doesn’t want to. He’s done it, twice, it can be hard work, expensive, take a toll on your relationship (maybe it did for him and his ex), limit your social life, career progression, friendships. He’s probably feeling too old. He wants to focus his energy and resources on his kids in different ways now they’re older and at a different stage.

It doesn’t matter. He’s been clear from the off and shouldn’t have to change his mind or justify his decision. You’re the one who needs to decide if you’ll accept him without kids or not.

Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 12/04/2022 20:43

@SerendipitySunshine I doubt it. I can’t imagine him saying no to our own but then taking on another mans child from birth. I wish there was a way round it where we didn’t need to split up but there isn’t 😞

OP posts:
KosherDill · 12/04/2022 20:52

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

I wouldn’t try and persuade him otherwise but I would like to understand why he is so adamant about no more. I also wonder about all these other families I see where the man has grown kids & didn’t want more but has had a baby later in life as the woman has none. It makes me question why they can do it?
Because it's a monumental responsibility, huge expense, takes time away from other valued pursuits, is physcially demanding and often quite boring/messy. Maybe he doesn't want to risk another child being high-needs, ill or otherwise extra demanding in terms of time and money. Maybe he wants to prioritizing saving for retirement, or just be free to wake up and do his own thing on weekends.

Maybe he's concerned about the environment and doesn't want to contribute more humans.

I really don't think it's on to press anyone to come up with a reason for not wanting to procreate. It's just rude and implies that they NEED a reason, which no one does.

What if you leave him, never meet anyone suitable, and end up childfree AND without a relationship -- or a single mum by choice via donor, and the child is high needs or difficult and you're skint and burned out and have no one to rely on? Would you really prefer that to being coupled and carefree as you head into your 40s, 50s and 60s?

To each her own but it sounds as though you should not waste any time leaping into the dating pool aggressively and seeking a different mate who is enthusiastic about becoming a parent.

Butterfly44 · 12/04/2022 21:06

No amount of talking will make him change his mind. Wether it's your child together or one you have conceived it seems he doesn't want to go through it all again.
He's got teens and has done the baby/toddler/child stages. Some just don't want go back there; others may not care, others may want to - but he doesn't. So if you absolutely do then you need to get a move on with your life and try finding someone on the same life page.

Xfan · 12/04/2022 21:48

@KosherDill

"Would you really prefer that to being coupled and carefree as you head into your 40s, 50s and 60s?"

How do you know their relationship would even last that long? What a ridiculous assumption! It's just pure guesswork...

autienotnaughty · 13/04/2022 06:31

You both want different things you , unless you can genuinely be happy child free you need to draw a line and move on. You can go to gp and request your hormone levels are checked. I did this at 36 as dh and I wanted a baby and my dsis started going through menopause at 43. You can actively look to meet someone but you also need to consider if you would want to have a child alone as you may not meet the right person.

5128gap · 13/04/2022 07:47

In what boìls down to a straight choice between this relationship and potentially being a mother, I would choose my chance of motherhood.
As happy as you are in this relationship, it is highly unlikely to be the only one that could make you happy, as there are many potential partners out there for all of us, so what you get from him can be found elsewhere.
Its very painful, but given that many relationships don't last the distance, and people have to get through it, not something you won't recover from.

candles1298 · 13/04/2022 07:56

@pictish

I’d not pick any man over having my own baby. Sorry this is happening OP.
Before I had my DD I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't sure if they wanted kids in the future. Back then I remember thinking I loved him so much and would rather be with him and have no kids vs. being without him.

We then split for a variety of other reasons and I now have the most amazing DD (as a single parent)

There is no way in this world you can compare the love for your kids to any partner but I don't think you fully appreciate that until they are here

Musttryharder2021 · 13/04/2022 11:57

@5128gap

In what boìls down to a straight choice between this relationship and potentially being a mother, I would choose my chance of motherhood. As happy as you are in this relationship, it is highly unlikely to be the only one that could make you happy, as there are many potential partners out there for all of us, so what you get from him can be found elsewhere. Its very painful, but given that many relationships don't last the distance, and people have to get through it, not something you won't recover from.
Yes I fully agree with this @5128gap
Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 13/04/2022 12:39

I am planning to move out this weekend. I’ve never had to leave someone I still love without some hate mixed in, so this is really hard.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 13/04/2022 13:13

@Lightattheendofthetunnel22

I am planning to move out this weekend. I’ve never had to leave someone I still love without some hate mixed in, so this is really hard.
Good for you to reaching a decision that priorities YOU and your needs. Men come and go, and although it is hard right this minute, you will see in time once the dust has settled that you have made the right decision for yourself.
Xfan · 13/04/2022 13:16

See it as a lucky escape....if he realised how much having a child of your own meant to you, he would have let you go. Ask him if he'd prefer his life without his children in it.... exactly...

HazelBite · 13/04/2022 13:22

I have a son going through something similar, he is 39 his partner 42 and has said she doesn't want DC's, (naturally or otherwise) he is desperate to be a Dad but absolutely adores her she is a really good match for him.
He like the OP is struggling to make a decision.

Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 13/04/2022 13:58

@HazelBite it is so hard when you love someone. But if neither person can change their mindset then maybe it’s just not meant to be. The good thing for your son is that say in a few years time they split up he can still be a dad so he doesn’t have to rush his decision straight away. But for me my clock is ticking. I might not meet someone I want a baby with but when I’ve thought about everything I can’t let another person decide if I have kids or not. I hope your son gets his happy ever after x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lightattheendofthetunnel22 · 13/04/2022 13:59

@HazelBite oh & it’s also reassuring to hear there are men in their late 30s out there still wanting kids! So thank you x

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