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Original poster

Is this an Emotional Affair?

66 replies

user606 · 11/04/2022 16:17

I have found out that my H has been involved in a friendship (his words) with a former work colleague that he's known for over 20 years. They have a history in that he kissed her while he was with me years ago and I found out. I left him briefly and he promised he wouldn't speak to her again despite them continuing to work together.

There have been messages between them, he assures me "only as friends" where they have supported each other as both marriages are going through a bad patch.

I discovered that they had met up together recently behind my back. I am certain he would have never told me but I found out and confronted him. He denied it claiming he had no idea what I was on about for a good 20 minutes before admitting it. He promises that it was purely as friends and feels terrible about it.

He swears there's been no physical acts and I do believe him. My gut has always been absolutely spot on with him, I knew recently there was something going on hence my digging and discovering this.

He reckons he deleted all the messages between them last week after their meet up as he felt so guilty. He admitted this after I demanded for the millionth time that he show me the messages between them. He showed me that there were no messages. He did go out of the room during the discussion and part of me thinks he deleted them then.

He's saying he absolutely hasn't had an affair. I think it's an emotional one at the very least - am I right?

I am beyond devastated and heartbroken. I can't sleep and feel like I'm going to be sick most of the time.
I am also seriously thinking of contacting her husband as I think he has a right to know his dear wife is meeting up with another man whilst they're working out their marriage troubles. I told my H this and his response was that the bigger this gets the worse it'll affect our child.

OP posts:
user8765 · 11/04/2022 16:22

Yes unfortunately it very much looks like one. He is crossing the line even having communication with her after the kiss. My question would be why does he need to talk to her knowing how much it would hurt you.
He deleted the messages because things were written that he did not want you to see.
So sorry OP

thestraitofillinois · 11/04/2022 16:23

Secrecy and lies are strong indicators of an affair, emotional or otherwise.

ZebraScarf · 11/04/2022 16:27

Affair or not, he clearly finds it incredibly easy to lie to you. I wouldn't believe a single word that came out of his mouth.

I told my H this and his response was that the bigger this gets the worse it'll affect our child.

it's a shame he didn't think about that before meeting up with this woman behind your back.

KirstenBlest · 11/04/2022 17:33

He's saying he absolutely hasn't had an affair.
He would say that regardless

I think it's an emotional one at the very least - am I right?
Almost certainly.

Sorry. Hope you are ok. Flowers and hug

runsmidgeOMG · 11/04/2022 17:39

His actions all point that direction, he must know he's making an absolute shit show of covering anything up because he's tripping over his own self centred lies or he's deluded.

I'm so so sorry OP. This must feel absolutely gut wrenching. Hugs for you Thanks

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 11/04/2022 17:46

They have kissed. That is cheating. He shouldn't be allowed to be friends with her after that. If you kiss someone else while in a relationship that is disrespectful, if you kiss someone else while in a relationship and keep both relationships going that is disrespectful and grounds for you to end your relationship

Dimondsareforever · 11/04/2022 21:05

I’m sorry to say, but yes he has had an affair. Emotional or otherwise … he has. Meeting another women in secret is not on. Sending her messages in secret is not on. None of it is ‘ok’.

He really really needs to prove to you right now that he loves you, he will not contact her ever again. And he will do everything he can to get your trust back.

Dimondsareforever · 11/04/2022 21:06

Ps - the way you are feeling will get better. I promise. Take each day as it comes x

ChristopherHayden · 11/04/2022 21:08

Ask him to think about everything he has said to/done with this woman and decide if he would be happy if you’d said/done those things to/with another man.

simoncowellsdog · 11/04/2022 22:02

There'd be no need to delete the messages if it was an innocent as he says.
The fact that he's tried to keep it hidden means it's crossed a line.

MsDogLady · 11/04/2022 22:12

I’m very sorry, OP. This is absolutely an affair.

Your H previously cheated with OW. You left and then returned on the condition that he would cut off all personal interaction. Not only has he broken that agreement, he’s been secretly messaging, deleting, meeting up, and investing/receiving emotional support. Plus lying and using your child to manipulate you.

This is emotional infidelity, at the very least. As they have previously kissed, I would assume that physical involvement has resumed.

His actions prove that he’s capable of much deception and that his promises mean nothing. This is the second time he has cheated on you with this OW. Her H deserves to know. Flowers

CrowAndArrow · 11/04/2022 22:20

Doesn't matter if its an emotional affair. He's a lier not to be trusted.

Thewookiemustgo · 11/04/2022 23:03

@user606 I’m so sorry, but this is an affair. All he is doing is minimising everything and hiding it behind the fact that he has convinced you it is a friendship and nothing more.
What is admitted in the first instance is usually the tip of a very unpleasant iceberg.
They kissed, that was all he was prepared to admit at the time. It’s a ‘friendship’, that is all he is prepared to admit. They’ve messaged, but he’s deleted them because he ‘felt guilty for contacting her.’ He deleted them expressly so that you didn’t see them, because the content would show you that this is no friendship.
He should have discussed your marriage issues with you, not her. He is investing emotionally in her, not you. He is confiding in her, not you. He is messaging, talking to and going out with her behind your back.
This is an affair, OP. Stop seeing it as a friendship, nobody has to keep secrets from their partners about their friends. See it as what it is, an affair, emotional or otherwise. Ask him why, if this is just a friendship, he feels so guilty that he deletes messages, that he feels guilty just going out with a friend? Getting you to believe this stuff provides his cover for what is really going on and helpfully makes you look unreasonable if you challenge their activities. I’m so sorry, OP, but he needs to know it’s totally unacceptable, he can no longer see it work with this woman, and yes, absolutely, tell her husband. If I was him I’d definitely want to know my wife was meeting up with another man and the content of their messages was such that the other man felt the need to delete them. This is horrible OP, but people caught in affairs lie and minimise in the first instance, and only admit what they know you know or that which is supported by incontrovertible evidence.

Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 08:47

Thank you for the replies. I am absolutely broken. My gut instinct told me that something wasn't right but I didn't want to believe it.

When I am able to sleep I hate waking up and this being the first thought in my mind. How could he do this to me? We were meant to be working through our marriage troubles together.

I have asked and asked why he felt the need to delete the messages. He said knowing how I felt about her he knew I'd be upset at some of the content although there was definitely nothing sexual. Last night he did show me that he'd messaged her to tell her he regrets meeting her and he won't be speaking to her again. She just replied that she agreed.
They could have obviously planned those between them knowing he'd show me.

It looks as though she has blocked me on FB (I wasn't her friend but her account was visible and where my suspicions began thinking it was her). This is highly suspicious in my opinion.
However I have been able to find her husband - I feel incredibly guilty for thinking about telling him as they have 2 very young children. I don't want to be responsible for this man's heartache and them possibly splitting up but I do think he should know.

I am in complete turmoil about what to do now. He's said he'll move out and understands we can never come back from this as I'll never be able to trust him again. I haven't felt as though I've loved him for a long time but now I'm terrified of losing him. It's as though this has made me realise what he means to me. The thought of him not being here is horrible but is he right, will I forever be wondering what he's up to?

I haven't treated him as well as I should have. I guess I stopped making the effort and put others before him, I do a lot with my family and friends. He said he's felt as though he's worthless to me and just here to pay the bills. I do understand and whereas he has made changes to improve things in recent months (his EA aside) I have not. I think it's a realisation that's come too late for me and I am heartbroken.

OP posts:
Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 08:50

@Dimondsareforever

Ps - the way you are feeling will get better. I promise. Take each day as it comes x
Thank you @Dimondsareforever I can't ever imagine feeling any better again, this is horrific. The way I felt yesterday trying to get through a day at work whilst pretending all was fine was one of the worst of my life.
OP posts:
KosherDill · 12/04/2022 09:00

@user606

Thank you for the replies. I am absolutely broken. My gut instinct told me that something wasn't right but I didn't want to believe it.

When I am able to sleep I hate waking up and this being the first thought in my mind. How could he do this to me? We were meant to be working through our marriage troubles together.

I have asked and asked why he felt the need to delete the messages. He said knowing how I felt about her he knew I'd be upset at some of the content although there was definitely nothing sexual. Last night he did show me that he'd messaged her to tell her he regrets meeting her and he won't be speaking to her again. She just replied that she agreed.
They could have obviously planned those between them knowing he'd show me.

It looks as though she has blocked me on FB (I wasn't her friend but her account was visible and where my suspicions began thinking it was her). This is highly suspicious in my opinion.
However I have been able to find her husband - I feel incredibly guilty for thinking about telling him as they have 2 very young children. I don't want to be responsible for this man's heartache and them possibly splitting up but I do think he should know.

I am in complete turmoil about what to do now. He's said he'll move out and understands we can never come back from this as I'll never be able to trust him again. I haven't felt as though I've loved him for a long time but now I'm terrified of losing him. It's as though this has made me realise what he means to me. The thought of him not being here is horrible but is he right, will I forever be wondering what he's up to?

I haven't treated him as well as I should have. I guess I stopped making the effort and put others before him, I do a lot with my family and friends. He said he's felt as though he's worthless to me and just here to pay the bills. I do understand and whereas he has made changes to improve things in recent months (his EA aside) I have not. I think it's a realisation that's come too late for me and I am heartbroken.

If you don't love him, why clutch on to him? His assessment that he's only valued for his wallet sounds correct.

Don't stay with him just to avoid being on your own.

Dimondsareforever · 12/04/2022 09:10

I know exactly how you feel op. I am on day 10 of finding out. Like you, we hadn’t been getting along. I admit my fault in the relationship break down. (I didn’t go off with a man though!).

You need to get all those niggles in your gut out on the table. No matter how hard the answer might be, you need to know the truth. Truth you can deal with. It’s the not knowing that is hard. Only when the niggles are gone can you decide if you will work though it or not.

A week ago I felt like you. I promise each day gets better. I can certainly function better than I did a week ago. Although I still can’t eat much (boot a bad thing as I have a few pounds to lose!). But I can concentrate on work.

I also intend on telling the partner of the other women. Not sure how yet, but as far as I’m concerned she shouldn’t be allowed to break away Scott free when my life and potentially Childrens life has been turned upside down.

Eviebeans · 12/04/2022 09:12

I think what you are feeling now is "The Fear" - of being on your own, of coping, of the unknown etc
I've felt it and lived to tell the tale.
Don't be afraid to reach out yo friends for support. You absolutely will be okay.

Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 09:21

@Eviebeans thank you x I am absolutely terrified. Terrified I can't do it on my own, terrified that watching him walk away will be the biggest regret of my life.
Our DD has recently been diagnosed ND and this has been really hard to take in, I don't want to destroy her life.

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 12/04/2022 09:25

Do they still work together?

If they do, I'd be telling him he is finding a new job or he is getting a divorce. One or the other, pick one. It's not a case of keeping you and her on the side. He leaves his job or he can slink off to her.

I would tell her husband too. He deserves to know that she is a cheater. Why should he have to live with her if he doesn't want to? No wonder she can't make a marriage work when she is running off to another man, same for your husband. Both of them are assholes.

I'm more of a vengeful person though. After cheating on me twice, I'd want to ruin him. I'd probably make him leave his job for another, then still divorce him and tell her husband. If they end up together so what? Cheaters deserve cheaters.

If you want to stay with him, then that's your choice. But as others said, don't do it just because you don't want to be alone. You deserve better than that. You may not have focused on him, but so what, you didn't cheat twice. He should have been making more effort with you, not swanning off with some woman. That's not trying, he wasn't trying. He didn't give a shit, he's just blaming you now for his affair.

Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 09:26

@Dimondsareforever I am so sorry you're going through the same. It is absolutely horrific.
I hope you don't mind me asking but do you think you'll be able to work it out?

I agree about the OW - a big part of me feels so much hatred and anger towards her that I want her to suffer as I have. I actually rang her up while I was confronting him. He almost died. He has no idea I'd got her phone number.
She gave me the usual crap that I've nothing to worry about and they've been mates a long time. She even offered to meet me for a coffee!!!!!! The cheek of it! I asked when she'd ever met him and she told me they'd been for coffee once, this was a separate occasion than the one I knew of.

I don't know how to keep going and do all the Easter holiday activities, work etc. I just want to crawl into bed and it all go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 09:30

Thanks @AllOfUsAreDead
They no longer work together. Apparently him leaving his old job is when this all began, as he was leaving they decided to swap numbers to keep in touch. I asked him WTF he was playing at doing that. He said he honestly saw no harm in it as he doesn't see her as anything other than a friend.

OP posts:
Dimondsareforever · 12/04/2022 09:36

Definitely meet her for coffee. I intend to confront the ow. I want to hear her side of the story. I know where she lives and will just knock on her door at some point if I don’t bump into her in the street.

I can’t describe the emotions I went through last week. But it did make me realise I do still love him. And he tells me it has made him realise how much he loves me too. He can’t stand the thought of the ow now. He was completely caught up in some fantasy world. (So he tells me anyway …. !!)

Don’t make any rash decisions. Whatever you decide it needs to be for the right reasons. Give yourself time. That could be a few weeks or months. Forget those that say ‘you need to leave’. This is life changing. And if you do decide to split, you need to do it when you are stronger! Now is not the time. Give yourself some breathing space. You don’t have to make any decisions right now x

Eviebeans · 12/04/2022 09:41

From my point of view, even though we could have tried to work it out, (whilst thinking where are they, what are they doing etc) the bottom line was i felt that if you have to worry about your relationship in that sense you haven't really got a relationship worth worrying about.
Don't let the momentary panic that strikes blind side you.

Original poster
user606 · 12/04/2022 09:52

@Dimondsareforever I don't know whether it will help things if he moves out for a while. If we didn't have DD I'd definitely do that, for breathing space and time to reevaluate everything.
But it would be so confusing for her to tell her daddy is leaving, when there is a possibility he could return.
I just don't see how we can live in the same house together at the moment, every time we see each other we cry.
I know he is truly devastated. As when I know he was up to something, I also know when he's sincere.
He says the same as yours, this has made him realise how much he loves me. I didn't show my emotions until this past few days, I thought I didn't care anymore. Now he can see how much I'm hurting he has realised that I do care for him.

I'm going to see my parents later and tell them, I'm absolutely dreading it. I am embarrassed by the whole thing.

OP posts: