Is this an Emotional Affair?

[user606]

I have found out that my H has been involved in a friendship (his words) with a former work colleague that he's known for over 20 years. They have a history in that he kissed her while he was with me years ago and I found out. I left him briefly and he promised he wouldn't speak to her again despite them continuing to work together.

There have been messages between them, he assures me "only as friends" where they have supported each other as both marriages are going through a bad patch.

I discovered that they had met up together recently behind my back. I am certain he would have never told me but I found out and confronted him. He denied it claiming he had no idea what I was on about for a good 20 minutes before admitting it. He promises that it was purely as friends and feels terrible about it.

He swears there's been no physical acts and I do believe him. My gut has always been absolutely spot on with him, I knew recently there was something going on hence my digging and discovering this.

He reckons he deleted all the messages between them last week after their meet up as he felt so guilty. He admitted this after I demanded for the millionth time that he show me the messages between them. He showed me that there were no messages. He did go out of the room during the discussion and part of me thinks he deleted them then.

He's saying he absolutely hasn't had an affair. I think it's an emotional one at the very least - am I right?

I am beyond devastated and heartbroken. I can't sleep and feel like I'm going to be sick most of the time.
I am also seriously thinking of contacting her husband as I think he has a right to know his dear wife is meeting up with another man whilst they're working out their marriage troubles. I told my H this and his response was that the bigger this gets the worse it'll affect our child.

It's chipping away at me constantly about these bloody messages that I'll never see.

I am close to contacting her husband and asking him if she is willing to show him her phone....my bet is that she will not!!

When I contacted her I mentioned that he wouldn't let me see the messages between them. She told me that she doesn't blame him as she sees this as an intrusion of his privacy!!!!!!! She also said her and her husband wouldn't ask that of each other. I wish I'd have been quick enough to tell her I'm sure he'll be asking when he knows she's had an emotional affair with another man.

This is a horrible situation where they’re on the inside together and you’re on the outside

This is very true and from your last post the ow is trying to make you appear unreasonable for looking at his phone, even stating her husband wouldn't do it.

All made to allienate you from the reality of the situation and prevent you from squealing to her husband.

She's got a brass neck.
Call her bluff.

If you contact him what is the worst that can happen, maybe he won't want to know or believe you but at least it puts the information in his hands.
It also takes the pressure off you if you wish him to move out for a while, her husband may watch her next moves.
He deserves to have the same choices as you.

@Onthedunes yes you are right. I don't know why I'm so nervous about contacting him, I guess it's just something that can't be taken back once it's done. But that's not my fault, it's theirs.

I also forgot to mention that I've discovered he had a Tinder subscription. It was in his list of expired subscriptions, expired in January. Now it may have been one of those free trials? I have no idea as have never used a dating app. Even so he downloaded a dating app. He says it was for a "laugh", out of curiosity as a mate at work was telling him about it. He said he never set up a profile or spoke to anyone and deleted it the same day.

This is bullshit right?

I think your eyes are begining to open.

It's hard because at first you have conflicting feelings of are they capable of such lies. It's very difficult.

Your posts resonate with me as my h also played the 'how very dare you accuse' me of an affair behaviour. His 'friend' was a very cocky woman who played the innocent.
A game of cat and mouse ensued, it was horrendous , did nothing to reassure my fears, he continued meeting her and denying.
Dreadful time.

You have my sympathy, I hope you find your strength as these types just don't give a shit if you look like a mug.
Don't let them humiliate you, speak your truth and shine a light on their secrets and lies, you will feel better for it.

@Onthedunes I am so sorry you've been through that. How awful.

I just can't believe this is happening to be honest. I'm so sick of waking up each morning and being hit with the realisation that my life is a mess.

I am in a very similar situation. I could have written your post. We are having counselling separately. It’s slowly starting to make sense. I have lost trust and if I can’t get it back that will be it. Taking one day at a time here. For the sake of our kids but it’s not easy. Dh says he didn’t mean/realise what he was doing which is completely ridiculous and is extremely sorry. Good luck.

@Luciea19

I am in a very similar situation. I could have written your post. We are having counselling separately. It’s slowly starting to make sense. I have lost trust and if I can’t get it back that will be it. Taking one day at a time here. For the sake of our kids but it’s not easy. Dh says he didn’t mean/realise what he was doing which is completely ridiculous and is extremely sorry. Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear this. It's horrendous isn't it. Are you still living together? I would like to have some time apart to think about everything but want to avoid disruption to our daughters life ☹️

Why don’t you pretend to your dd he’s away with work or a last minute holiday with friends ( or anything). Get him to move out for at least a week
The tinder thing - he’s cheating or trying to there. No one downloads it, fills out all their details ‘for a laugh’ unless they’re a teenager
So he’s cheated a number of times.
He’s still lying to you

He'll never admit it op.
Mine 'D'H did this to me six months ago. He is still denying/minimising.

What you know is he's a liar and can't be trusted. He's done this before and now he's done it again.

You won't feel this bad for long but it's the worst feeling I've ever had. Unbearable. I relied very heavily on close friends.

Let him go. And I would tell her H. He deserves to know and you may get more answers/closure.

Don't let him guilt trip you about your child. How dare he?

He left you ages ago. He hasn’t shown any sign of fighting for the relationship. Sorry to be blunt. Wave him off with a smile and see what he does. Also contact her husband and let him know what she’s been doing behind her back and see if her tune changes.

Yes we are it’s not ideal tbh. Some space may be a good idea. Could you get some counselling to help get your thoughts into perspective?

OP, wake up.
He's been messing around for years.
Chase up your ducks, line them up in a row (without telling him), get legal advice and get rid. Your life won't be a mess any longer, you'll have been pro-active and put everything straight.
The one thing you can't do is make a decent husband out of a piece of shit. Don't waste any more of your life on him.

Thank you 🙏.
I have suggested couples counselling a few times over the years as we have had a lot of ups and downs. He wouldn't consider it as didn't think it would help and cost too much.

I may be able to get some for myself through occupational health at work but I'm not sure.

I did some googling last night and I don't think you can get Tinder Gold for free. He definitely had the Gold membership. At £30 a month. I am utterly devastated that he lied to my face when I questioned him on this, he could have just been honest with me.

He'd promised me that he hadn't even set up a profile on Tinder. I've just set up a fake one so I could see with my own eyes what happens, it doesn't let you do anything without adding a profile and at least 2 pictures.
I feel like I'm going to be sick. I have 3 children to look after today and have no idea how to get through the day.

I'm really sorry this has happened this way.
In your OP, you do reference bad patches, and you not knowing or feeling as if you were sure about your marriage.
Obviously your dh should not have sought solace on tinder or with another woman, the better thing would have been you both talked about it and agreed to separate or put all effort into working it out.
However it really looks as if he wants out... He hasn't said or done much to the contrary, and whether this is part of plan with his friend or not is rather immaterial.
He doesn't want to stay in the marriage, and until this came to light you weren't sure either.
Let him go, gather yourself and allow yourself to grieve for your marriage and then try to look to the future.
Before the revelations, when you were thinking about your marriage and your dh... Did you consider splitting? Had you had thoughts about how it would be?
If you did revisit them, and try to look at this as your chance to change your future.
💐

However it really looks as if he wants out... He hasn't said or done much to the contrary, and whether this is part of plan with his friend or not is rather immaterial

I don't think this is nessaarily true, what I do think is he has an emotional part of him missing, he is lacking in concience or empathy.

Do you really know him ? , you thought you did, but now your eyes are opening. This is a period where you are faced with the thought that he could have been lying for the many years you have been together or he is exactly as he presents, someone who is currently behaving badly.

If he is a covert narcissist, which I hope he's not, then he will not want to give any part of his life up, the family part, the financial part and the seedy part, they believe they are entitled to it all.

Try to take any of these away and the mask will slip, take care and find support in family and friends.