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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH's beard gives me the ick - WWYD?

92 replies

NotABeardFan · 10/04/2022 18:22

Over the last few months DH has grown a beard. I mentioned at the beginning it's not really my thing but I really can't stand it. It's not just the look, it's the feel. I don't want to kiss him any more which is obviously not good for our sex life.

I don't know how I can bring it up without hurting his feelings or even if I should, after all, it is his face! Wwyd?

OP posts:

Blushingm · 10/04/2022 21:00

They're like face pubes.....can't stand them

MaryAndHerNet · 10/04/2022 21:03

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow

*You are more than welcome to keep it, it is absolutely your choice. It is absolutely my choice to never kiss you or sleep with you ever again.*

So if you changed something about your look, and you really liked it, you would be okay if your partner said this to you?

Yep.

There's 2 stances in my.mind on this.

If I tell my partner "I hate beards" or any such thing, "I hate people wearing flip flops and socks" etc
They then go and grow a beard or wear flip flops and socks. Then my feelings evidently aren't that important to them so I should have no worries about their feelings.

At the same time, I understand they absolutely have every right to do exactly what they like, as am I.

Equally, if a partner said to me, I really don't like Crocs, I probably wouldn't buy crocs and if I did, I'd understand that they have every right to not come Tesco's with me whilst I wear them.

Isn't that kind of normal in most relationships? Taking into consideration your partner?

ImAvingOops · 10/04/2022 21:07

I think partners should want to be attractive to each other and if one cares more about their beard or piercing or whatever than they do about the sexual attraction in their relationship, that's a worrying sign.
If I knew that something easily changeable was unattractive to my dh, I'd change it!

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/04/2022 21:25

very conscious that it is entirely his choice and I don't get a say which is why I'm questioning if I even should raise it.

Doesn't this seem daft though? You could both pussy foot around with him wondering why you're not so keen any more, maybe assuming it's inevitable, or hormones, but he can't ask because that might be considered pressuring.

Sure, you don't get to tell him what to do, but he might value the information that it's putting you off snogging him. After all, few things are so very easily changed if he wants to. This isn't something like excess weight which can be very hard to shift. It will even grow back quickly if he shaves it and doesn't like it!

If there was a fashion choice you were making which was seriously putting him off, would you want to know?

Could you phrase it positively, eg "I used to so love feeling your freshly-shaven cheek against mine - would you try shaving again, just for a little while?", then heap on the praise if he does it?

DoncasterHombre · 10/04/2022 21:31

If I may give my opinion, as a man with a beard . . . . no, actually you'll have to wait. I just found a piece of beef in it from my Sunday dinner. Quite a stroke of luck actually because a bit of carrot just fell out of it too, rolled down my beer belly, and landed next to the piece of roast potato that's been temptingly resting on my crotch for the past half an hour. If I can find the bit of broccoli that flew off my fork and into my hair earlier, I'm in for a real treat - a second dinner, or wind, some might say. Speaking of which, I have a rather amusing story about that and a bit of sweetcorn . . . . but I'll tell you about that another time.

LightSpeeds · 10/04/2022 21:32

@gamerchick

I told husband if he grew a beard then I would grow mine.

That was that.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 10/04/2022 21:35

What about if the shoe was on the other foot and you gained weight and your husband said it repulsed him? People would be up in arms on here, or is that different in some way? I’m happy to be corrected.

It's very different because facial hair styling is a conscious choice which you have complete control over, whereas for most people, weight gain was never a conscious choice, and they don't have complete control over it. Timescale matters too - losing weight can be really hard for many people, and takes time. For some people it is realistically going to be "who they are" for many months, so they would have to deal with knowing that their partner found them unattractive for a long period. Whereas with a beard, it's completely a choice and can be removed instantly and regrown in weeks.

Tulipblacksmith · 10/04/2022 21:40

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Yes when you put it that way. It’s hard to lose weight and very easy to trim a beard.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 10/04/2022 21:47

@DivorcedAndDelighted
So suppose you decided to change your hairstyle, and you really liked it, but your partner said it made you look unattractive ?

RachMT · 10/04/2022 21:51

@FoggySpecs

My DH has one, I find it repulsive, so I haven't been near him in years. I secretly think of him as Mr Twit.

This.

My thoughts exactly.
Food and bits and bobs from the day just hanging on in there.
Urgh

stickanotherlogonthefire · 10/04/2022 22:01

I think beards have had their day for the every man - they seem really gross unless the guy has tip top hygiene habits.
I think some guys are just last and don't want to shave, and I understand if they are hiding a weak chin or horrible mouth.
I think a man's smile, his lips especially can be really sexy, so I want to be able to see his face properly, not wonder what's he hiding or will his beard smell?

stickanotherlogonthefire · 10/04/2022 22:01

Lazy not last!

MollyVolley · 10/04/2022 22:43

Feel your pain! My DH grows a beard a lot and I find it repulsive. I don’t mind beards normally but this is grey and unkempt and reminds me of old lady pubes, which I cannot unsee when i look at him. He has no interest in keeping it in good condition and when I look at him I do get the ick which is crappy.

Icanflyhigh · 10/04/2022 23:26

I have a massive thing about moustaches. I can't bear them after a particularly bad experience with a very disgusting man who looked like Keith fucking lemon.

DH is rubbish at growing a beard, but can grow an amazing moustache, full and bushy and everything I hate.

I just have to say "you need a shave" and he sorts it.

Just tell him it gives you the ick.

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/04/2022 23:35

Tricky. His face, etc.

You can only ask him how he’d feel if he had to kiss your bearded face, I guess?

(Say that as the wife of a much beloved beardy man. Doesn’t bother me but can see how it might)

sweetkitty · 10/04/2022 23:36

I am the exact same I can’t stand beards. DH loves to grow his, he does trim it so it looks like longish stubble not a full grown out of control thing but even so when it gets more than a few days old that’s it I’m off limits. We kind of compromise and he shaves it half the time - he likes to have sex

frostedfruits · 10/04/2022 23:46

I would be able to be withsomeone with beard. No chance. My dad had a beard when I was growing up so I associate ghemwithhjm. Lovely as my dad is I just couldn't kiss someone with a beard as it would be just horrendous feeling a beard on my face as it would make me think of my dad. No No No No No.
They look stupid too.

frostedfruits · 10/04/2022 23:47

Would NOT- that was sposed to say

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/04/2022 23:52

frostedfruits

No, they don’t look stupid. But, that aside.

You marry the love of your life, you worship each other. He’s everything you ever dreamed of. Your children are spectacular.
Then, he grows a beard.

You what? Leave him? Really?

Neverreturntoathread · 11/04/2022 00:09

Tell him!

I’ve been shaving my legs and armpits (and now chin) for 25 years to keep DH happy, I don’t mind the fur but appreciate he isn’t attracted to the yeti look. So I adapt.

Tell your DH you know he is exploring his beardy side but unfortunately it’s a turn off for you, it just is.

frostedfruits · 11/04/2022 00:39

@MrsSkylerWhite I had the conversation really early on and he's not at all a fan of beards anyway so that's all good luckily. Not sure what I'd do if the person I was with did something voluntarily to themselves that made me unattracted to them. I think those silly veneers would be an absolute massive turn off as well. Yuck.

frostedfruits · 11/04/2022 00:41

And they do look a bit daft. Like an extra from lord of the rings

aurynne · 11/04/2022 00:45

I live in New Zealand, where not only a beard, but an unkempt, long, straggly, bushy beard seems to be the greatest fashion addon for guys all ages. I find them repulsive and for me it's an instant turnoff. Instant left swipe regardless of other wonderful qualities. You can't help what you find attractive OP.

NowNowDermot · 11/04/2022 00:56

DH is well aware of my hatred for facial hair, he knows he is welcome to grow it but also that it will result in me being unwilling/unable (they really do repulse me) to kiss him. Thankfully he cares enough about me being attracted to him not to let it get beyond long stubble and I can cope with that. It's on a par with poor personal hygiene for me and I don't think anyone would expect their partner to be attracted to (or even put up with) that, maybe he would understand if you put it in those terms OP?

RantyAunty · 11/04/2022 03:00

I agree they are gross.
Hate kissing and having part of it go up your nose.

My ex had one. I didn't think it was right to say anything to him as he had it when we met. He did shave it off one time for fun and I loved it!

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