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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need urgent advice and want to hear your opinions

56 replies

cakedelights · 09/04/2022 23:57

I am new on here so please bare with me Smile

I have been struggling with a difficult and delicate situation & wish to seek advice outside of my family support as their advice is conflicting with own beliefs and what is best for me & my child.

Has anyone ever experienced dealing with a partner who has substance abuse issues & is incredibly irresponsible with finances to the point they had to live separately.

OP posts:
ghostbusters · 10/04/2022 08:28

No experience but it sounds like the sort of relationship I would not want to continue with. Not addressing the substance abuse would be a deal breaker for.

DebtheSander · 10/04/2022 08:33

Lots of people on here have had similar problems and have asked for advice. The advice always boils down to the same thing - you can’t have a full relationship with someone who is an addict. The addiction will always come first.

There are many people on here who were raised with an alcoholic/ drug dependent parent. It’s never a good experience.

The only way a relationship can work is if the person with the addiction is clean and is actively seeking help. And has been doing so for a significant amount of time.

Kione · 10/04/2022 08:37

Staying with a person like that is not the best for you and your child.
I had a partner the abused substances and was bad with money and tried to make him see that it was wrong etc. but I had to leave him, he got over those problems pretty quick after that, but his life has been a bit of a car crash since.
It was a very lucky escape!
Maybe separating temporarily could work in your case.

Justcallmebebes · 10/04/2022 08:38

As the daughter of an alcoholic, it's an absolute deal breaker for me and an absolute definite no go when there's children involved. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an addict. Ever

Datada · 10/04/2022 08:51

There is advice at Alanon for loved ones of addicts. The main advice is to detach with love, and protect your serenity. It's a process!

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 09:31

Thank you guys for taking the time out to answer my qestions.

Feel I need to give you a better over view.

Basically we are married & been together for over 15 years before I he had to move out. Prior to this, we had many problems causing me depression & he was also deeply unhappy because I gave him a hard time at home for his substance abuse which was very bad. He was go out til early hrs and sometimes not come back til following day due to drinking & smoking weed with mates.

I was a housewife & he was the main breadwinner. We had serious money issues but I couldn't work as I was bringing up our child as he worked away a lot too. Anyway he had an affair & I was distraught because he was my world despite our issues. He couldn't see the weed was ruining our marriage. I couldn't live with him anymore as we were in a mess with money so I had to claim as a single parent. He ended affair & came back but we lived apart now nearly 7 years because he hasn't been able to sort himself. The weed issues still there on and off, money issues are the worst I've seen & hes been wanting to come back. I said we need therapy to address issues but he refused. He also refused to allow me to look over his finances to see if I can help. I've done everything possible to take the steps for him to return home. Now he's getting evicted for not paying rent consistently so he wants to move back home to his mum! During the time we have lived separately, I have gone to uni, passed my driving test & did my teaching qualification & hopefully doing my masters next year.

In conclusion, I love him a great deal & behind the weed habit and money issues. He's a kind man & loving. He wasn't always this way but he's got lost down a rabbit hole. If I take him back I am so afraid am making a mistake because what if the same issues happen again as they haven't been addressed properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 09:37

Also I got a great deal of counselling for myself over the years to cope with our situation. It's been a lot worse than what I have mentioned on here but too long to go into but I experienced aggression in the past, emotional abuse & silent treatment for month on end if we have a disagreement. I heard rumours he was seeing someone then not long ago I was told he was getting friendly with another woman til I confronted him.. he openly admitted he enjoyed her attention because our marriage is not a marriage!!!!

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 10/04/2022 09:39

You need to start divorce proceedings. This won’t get any better.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 10/04/2022 09:41

Why on earth do you want to take back this man? He is a terrible husband and terrible father. He is not kind and loving, he is an addict who is not able to put you and your child before his weed and his gambling. He won’t attempt therapy, which shows he is not ready to change. This has to be having a terrible effect on your child.

You have to choose between your child and this man. Do I really need to say which one I think you should choose?

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2022 09:44

You are trying to blame all his shitty behaviour on his substance abuse.
It may be a factor but it’s not the only reason, he’s just not a decent human being and him being in your life is unnecessary and damaging to both you and your child

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 09:46

I did choose my child, that's why we lived separately.

I do understand what your saying though. No I don't want to take him back as he currently is. I am just frustrated to why he can't see his own behaviour is what has ruined us. He wants to leave to go back home abroad to help his family finish of building a house. He won't admit the his poor management of money has lead him to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 09:49

If I say come back, then he may not leave to go back home. It just feels all this is happening for the wrong reasons. Our child is 16 this year so he don't see the point in hanging around if he we can't live together & him wasting money on rent ect Angry

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Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 09:55

Lady gardener,

I go to great lengths to protect my child. No matter what. They don't see each other a lot & when they do it's when am around. The reason I choose to live separately is to not allow this to impact her growing up. She has no idea he's using weed as I am not the type of parent to use my child against him or turn her against him. It's a hard situation all around.

OP posts:
PacificState · 10/04/2022 10:07

Unfortunately, you have no control over how he perceives the situation. You can't 'make' him come around to your point of view on this. If he's an addict, he will twist his thinking into any shape that allows him to continue the behaviour he'd addicted to. The only way this will change is if he chooses to confront his addictions himself. You can't make him do it.

I think you know this really if you've been in a relationship with an addict for so long. I understand it's a difficult thing to really come to terms with though.

From the outside it seems fairly obvious that you're on the right path - you've raised your child safely nearly into adulthood, you've set yourself up with valuable professional qualifications, you have your own home and this man isn't in your personal space. Any of us on here, having read this very short version of your story, will tell you to keep on keeping on and not even think about living with him again unless, one day, he shows you he's really changed.

It feels like you want someone to tell you that living with an addict can work, or that you can love someone enough to make them change? Is that (I mean this kindly, honest!) what you're here for?

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2022 10:09

You have spent a long time waiting for him to change and/or acknowledge he’s a pointless drug addict
How much longer are you going to wait?
Let him go abroad to be with his family , maybe they can help him get clean

Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 10:12

Weed is a relationship killer. Alcohol abuse is also.
My DH (who never even smoked cigarettes in his life) had an injury during lockdown and his treatment and pain clinics all moved "online". Someone gave him some skunk and said it would help with the pain. Nearly 2 years later and £1000s down, trying to find money for tobacco and weed when both our businesses have failed under lockdown - I can't believe this has happened to us. Together 20 years and never anything like this.
I am in a unique situation as a carer for someone else, but have no kids. I am also old. My advice to you would be STOP TRYING TO FIX THIS AND GET DIVORCED.

PussInBin20 · 10/04/2022 10:16

I don’t know why you would consider taking him back when nothing appears to be any different - except of course he has nowhere else to go and you are a good option.

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:19

Thank you guys for all your valuable comments and advice. I am not really sure why am here. I guess I wanted to just share my situation with people have been in a similar situation.

It's a strange & difficult one. Yes at one point I did consider divorce but due to my child being under 16 I didn't want it to effect her. She's also has a eating disorder. I think deep down he would find it difficult to live with me again because he knows am not tolerant or laid back. I am very up front although he's not. He hasn't even told me about the eviction. He don't know i know. All I know is that he saying he can't afford to stay afloat and send money home each month. I told him it's because you have poor money management. He contradicts everything I say by saying there is nothing to budget with 🙈. So he giving up apartment and moving back home to use his salary to finish his house. There is no acknowledging his addiction nor is he family aware of it

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:23

We are still discussing our situation though. He asked me where we stand & I haven't had time to discuss it further. Your all right, people with addiction can't change & I know the change has to come from him. Sadly it's not only weed addiction, he has an addictive personality to spending, light forms of gambling. There is lack of ability of paying for bills consistently!!!

OP posts:
Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 10:23

OP - sorry I forgot to say:

-you cannot reason with an addict. Logic is irrelevant.
-you will always be second best to the drugs/alcohol
-They will see you as a failsafe if they run out of money
-Addicts are manipulative liars
-Being with an addict is humiliating and a waste of time
-Addiction ESCALATES - is is not a static manageable process
-all the love you can give, trying to help and fix and cajole them is a complete waste of your time and life

JoyLurking9to5 · 10/04/2022 10:27

he has caused you so much pain.

No matter how bad the financial repercussions are, you can recover in time (to a degree) maybe you'll never be wealthy but you can get to the point where you truly enjoy and value safety, security and peace.

Disentangle your finances. Leave him and give up on him so that you can rescue yourself.

How he reacts to that is his issue.

Treat yourself like the person you love and care for. Feather your own nest from now on.

x

EatsQuorn · 10/04/2022 10:28

Honestly , you should have divorced him years ago . What's in this relationship for you ?

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:28

He's very sensitive & struggles with facing reality of his wrong doing. He don't think there's anything wrong with him & he's happy with who he is! What I see is a underlaying problem that hasn't been picked up on. No one can live like this, eventually you would want to turn your life around. I am fighter & any difficulty I have faced in my life, I seek help or try to improve my situation.

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Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:33

Thank u guys! Respect ✊

I assumed whilst I was changing my life, he would do too so that we could be a family together. But dealing with losing a parent to cancer & academic pressure I just put the marriage at the back burner! During that time sometimes things are good and sometimes very bad. But I guess now it's crunch time!

I am very patient and understanding person. I did have trauma bonding with him which I recently overcome with a therapist. So the dynamic now in our relationship has changed. Everyone around him knows he won't find another like me because my heart is clean and kind.

I feel that letting him go is the right choice if he can't see where he's going wrong & what he will lose.

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Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:36

Joy thank u for your message!

We have no financial commitment together. I live alone with my daughter & manage on my income as a single parent. I am also on the sick due to health issues but will looking to moving into part time employment until my masters is completed. Smile

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