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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need urgent advice and want to hear your opinions

56 replies

cakedelights · 09/04/2022 23:57

I am new on here so please bare with me Smile

I have been struggling with a difficult and delicate situation & wish to seek advice outside of my family support as their advice is conflicting with own beliefs and what is best for me & my child.

Has anyone ever experienced dealing with a partner who has substance abuse issues & is incredibly irresponsible with finances to the point they had to live separately.

OP posts:
PacificState · 10/04/2022 10:40

You sound like an admirable person OP. I think maybe just be careful that your empathy and determination don't mislead you into thinking you can fix him. Rationally you know you can't fix him, but because you are so effective and successful in other areas of your life, and because your instinct is to work hard and overcome obstacles, I wonder whether emotionally you're still hoping that one day your methods will work on him.

It's slow torture, hoping that an addict you love will change. It's an incredibly difficult thing to live with. My brother had serious addiction issues - I had my breaking point with him and stopped believing he would change (or at least, stopped expecting it) but my dad hoped for it and believed in it and tried to make it happen right up to the day my brother died. My dad couldn't do anything else, it was his son and my dad's instinct was to try to make him better no matter how many times his efforts failed. He (my dad) would do it again tomorrow if he could.

Do you really love this man enough to spend the rest of his life worrying and trying and hoping and exhausting yourself on his behalf? Maybe you do.

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:41

I really appreciate you guys supporting me, it means so much to be able to come on here as I find it hard to discuss my problems with family who are supportive in a sense that i should do what they say so but feel isolated in dealing with this issue. I believe everyone should make own choices but people are allowed to give own opinions too but ensuring that they are supporting the person too

OP posts:
Dancer47 · 10/04/2022 10:42

Cakedelights:
" I love him a great deal & behind the weed habit and money issues. He's a kind man & loving. He wasn't always this way but he's got lost down a rabbit hole. If I take him back I am so afraid am making a mistake because what if the same issues happen again as they haven't been addressed properly."

Whatever you do, don't take him back! Honestly ,you need to break the love you have for him, not encourage it. Your contact with him should be limited to essential communication about your child and nothing more. This must be awful for you. Someone will be along to advise you better.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/04/2022 10:44

You need to stop imagining that you love him and move on. It sounds to me that you long for any crumb of affection that he throws your way to the point that you cannot see the big issue.
I'm wondering if you've suffered from abuse or were not loved in childhood, this often causes a bad loss of self esteem which again leads to poor relationship choices and inability to detach yourself from toxic men. You may also be afraid of being on your own, but in a relationship like this you are on your own.
I think it's well worth getting some therapy in order to sort this out and that you leave this man for good and concentrate on living the wonderful life you know is waiting for you with your child.
You are intelligent and can give your child the best life.
By hanging around with this very inadequate man you are seriously damaging your child and showing them that this sadness is all you are worth.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 10/04/2022 10:46

He hasn't changed in 15 YEARS!!! What on earth makes you think he is suddenly going to change now. He will never change.

BritInAus · 10/04/2022 10:48

Yes, I have been in that situation. It is extremely hard. But it doesn't sound like this is a recent problem, or that he is trying to change. My advice would be to leave and don't look back.

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:50

Guys the answer to all your suggestions are that I am & have been successful in my life even since we separated because I was determined to not let it define me. I come from a poor academic background & was in care so I met him when I moved into own flat. I was very alone with a family who disowned me as I went against the culture due to the way I was treated. He was only the person that was there for me, he showed me love like no other and fully accepted me. Over time I built my bridges with my family & they adored him. I adore his family back home too. It's just heartbreaking all this. If anything I care a great deal for him & want to see him happy & healthy even if we decide to divorce.

Thank u for your kind comments, I guess am just soft hearted because of what I have faced but at the same time I am a determined person that will overcome anything. You might right that my determination is conflicting with trying to change him

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:54

Yes I did suffer child abused, my parents went through a bitter divorce but I went on to have loving relationship with them both Smile. I did have trauma bonding which I recently overcome. So basically I set boundaries & don't get too emotionally attached. We have a very civil relationship but it's not a open & honest one because I feel he's difficult to approach.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:55

Brit how did you leave your relationship?

Guys I don't want to make this all about me mr me me !!! I want to get to know your different experiences x

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 10:57

Shehas, in regards to your post, the only change is he don't go out every night now. As he gets to smoke in the luxury of his own place!!! No am not waiting for change, it's about letting go completely now as he either wants to go home or maybe move back in if he becomes homeless no idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:00

Pacific state,

I am so sorry to hear your story, your dad has a big heart ❤️.

What was your brothers addiction?

I agree with everything u have said to me xxxx

OP posts:
PacificState · 10/04/2022 11:09

@cakedelights he had lots of substance abuse issues (certainly did his fair share of weed!) and a serious mental health illness, but it was alcoholism that killed him in the end.

Just a friendly word of warning - you might find people on this thread don't particularly want to give you their own stories - we're here to give our thoughts on your dilemma, not everyone will be comfortable telling their own story. If you start a thread called 'tell me how you managed to leave a relationship with an addict' or something like that you might get more responses from people who are up for telling their own stories.

onanotherday · 10/04/2022 11:09

OP you have done so much for him..raised his child. You have achieved a teaching qualification too. And what has he done for you both in this time?

He has checked out...you are married in name only..sorry to be blunt. But I hear so.much about him..what about you and your needs and those of his child?
As others have said move on.

Many of us have been in similar relationships, and it is very unlikely to change unless they want it and work damn hard to achieve it...none of which your husband is doing.

You may have protected your child, but the hours spent emotionally on this man could be better served on yourself and child. I would get some more counselling to support leaving.

Good luck 💐

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:12

Thank you to both of u above!

I agree that maybe I shouldn't expect other to share their stories. I am new on here so I didn't consider that ! Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

OP posts:
PacificState · 10/04/2022 11:15

@cakedelights no worries - Mumsnet has lots of unwritten rules 😂

We get a lot of journalists on here trawling for stories so people can be a bit wary.

Kindy1234 · 10/04/2022 11:16

Don't take him back. He's not gonna change. He even said he doesn't want counselling. After the things he's put you through he should be willing to change but on no he's still got a 'weed' addiction and he's facing eviction, and he's always got money worries or some kind of problem. You however are successful and intelligent and are doing well for yourself. He's looking to you to 'enable' him, to pay his way and to sponge off. He's no good and you need to keep away from him. He's a grown man and wants you to take care of him and lower your standards and why should you. It's not as if he's the only man in the world. I wouldn't be supported if he's doing more than weed.

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:17

To onanotherday !

Yes I've gone above and beyound unlike any other. He thinks I choose this path & it was my choice to live as a single person. He did give me a lot of support when studying degree through looking after our daughter. He also resents me for allowing him to live the way he did. My argument was things were not changing & there is still addictive issues so ye he checked out by then !

OP posts:
Kindy1234 · 10/04/2022 11:18

*surprised

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:18

Omg is there journalist on here 🙈.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:23

Kindy 1234

Thank you for your lovely words.

I am not sure am intelligent Hmm cos intelligent people are able to identify what is a total waste of time!!! I worked hard though to turn my life around despite everything & it was very challenging studying with life problems. I do try to look at things not only from my own emotions but at the bigger picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:24

Specific state,

Do y see a pattern how it's either drugs or alcohol one has to replace one or the other !

OP posts:
Kindy1234 · 10/04/2022 11:35

I am very patient and understanding person. I did have trauma bonding with him which I recently overcome with a therapist. So the dynamic now in our relationship has changed. Everyone around him knows he won't find another like me because my heart is clean and kind.

*cakedelights... You are the perfect candidate for an 'enabler' . This is why your connection to this man has lasted so long..you've been his 'cash cow'.. Its not uncommon for people with addictions always latch on to others who have a stable money supply and who can bale them out of the debt and bills etc.. Now he's looking to his parents to do it.. I agree with what others have said, he won't change and as he's even cheated on you as well you should really seek a divorce. This man ain't worth it. You're far to good to lower your standards and put up with anymore of this crap behaviour.

ToughLoveLDN · 10/04/2022 11:41

You sound like an incredibly strong person. You have worked so hard to create a better situation for yourself and your child. You are successful and thriving on your own. Get rid of him and find a man that is going to love you and care for you.Someone who is on the same level as you mentally, emotionally and physically. You deserve so much better than your current partner.

Original poster
cakedelights · 10/04/2022 11:43

Thank you Kindy

Your right all the way same as everyone else. I know I can't continue the way we are. I did go no contact for awhile but it got awkward and difficult for my daughter. So I was prepared to go civil. He cooks dinner for us, helps me with anything to do with our daughter & I do not lend money or anything. That's as far as it goes now! It's just a case of wrapping this whole mess up properly & officially with moving forwards. I however have developed very bad commitments issues too. I don't want to settle down again because of the way my life got tipped up side down. I aim to become completely independent & enjoy life as a single bird Grin

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/04/2022 11:47

I've done everything possible to take the steps for him to return home
But you can surely see this is the wrong way round. It is he who would need to do everything possible to be able to return home. He has done precisely none of it.

It would be much more damaging for your child to have this guy move in and then you have to throw him out again - for infidelity, for financial irresponsibility, for drug taking - take your pick. Far better that he is a presence (of sort) in her life outside the safety of home.

what if the same issues happen again
I mean they're literally happening now. He's being evicted for non-payment of rent. The fact that you can't see that clearly suggests that further counselling would probably be helpful. You're still trapped in the behaviour that enables an addict.

I get the impression he's trying to pressure you into taking him back, by threatening to go abroad? He makes his own choices. His current situation is of his own making. Do not jeopardise what you've worked so hard to build for yourself.

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