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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex life

58 replies

IcePoppy2 · 09/04/2022 12:16

Sorry this is going to be long. DP woke me up at 7am this morning trying to initiate sex. I told him no as I wanted some more sleep. I was just dozing off when he tried again. Maybe I shouldn’t have but this time I told him to fuck off. I eventually fell back asleep but was woken up yet again by him getting out of bed and slamming the bedroom door. I didn’t think too much of it, I thought it may have been a mistake until I came down stairs and he wouldn’t speak to me. I asked him what his problem was and he said nothing. After another half an hour or so of ignoring me, I told him if something is bothering him I’d rather speak about it. Again, he told me nothing was the matter. Fast forward an hour later, we were in the car on our way to shopping. He tells me that he isn’t happy that I didn’t want sex. He basically said our sex life is boring and he doesn’t get it enough. He then starts calling me weird and said I’m a nun. He says that this is the reason why men cheat and that if he knew our sex life was going to be like this he wouldn’t have gone into a relationship with me. We’ve been together 9 years and have 2 young children. We have sex on average 2/3 times a week. I will admit that when I get into bed sometimes I do just want to go to sleep. He does have a higher sex drive than me and admittedly there are only a few times a month when my sex drive is high. But when we are having sex I do enjoy it. I’m just really hurt by his words and I don’t know what to say to him. I do feel really guilty that he feels this waySad

OP posts:
Catcrazy83 · 09/04/2022 12:22

Tell him to fuck off again the sulky entitled man child

HackneyGirl2022 · 09/04/2022 12:27

@IcePoppy2 he sounds like a right dick!

NotNotNotMyName · 09/04/2022 12:33

Waking someone up and demanding sex isn’t really on is it?! Especially as you have two small children and are most likely knackered.

Your DH sounds like he has a problem. 2-3 times a week is way more than average. To demand sex when you’re sleeping and then have a stop about not getting it is beyond unreasonable. He is a dick.

NotNotNotMyName · 09/04/2022 12:34

Strop

Sleepytimebear · 09/04/2022 12:48

This behaviour is very similar to my abusive ex e.g. implying he will leave/ cheat, guilt tripping you, implying you're the one with the problem, not taking no for an answer, disregarding your needs (sleeping), giving you the silent treatment or punishing you when he doesn't get his own way. Honestly I would consider this sexual coercion. Do you have other concerns about his behaviour - is this a pattern?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 09/04/2022 12:53

@NotNotNotMyName

Waking someone up and demanding sex isn’t really on is it?! Especially as you have two small children and are most likely knackered.

Your DH sounds like he has a problem. 2-3 times a week is way more than average. To demand sex when you’re sleeping and then have a stop about not getting it is beyond unreasonable. He is a dick.

Your DH sounds like he has a problem. 2-3 times a week is way more than average. No, it isn't fgs.

However, slamming doors and sulking isn't a great way to begin discussing this issue.

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 09/04/2022 12:57

For gods sake get rid he sounds vile

yorkshireteaspoonie · 09/04/2022 13:07

He's already getting it 2-3 times a week and he's having a tantrum. WOW

Babdoc · 09/04/2022 13:07

Gosh, slamming doors, sulking and threatening to cheat are such great ways to turn you on, eh OP?! Bet you find him irresistible when he’s being a selfish immature little shit. Grin
Perhaps you could patiently explain to this idiot that wooing you, doing his fair share of chores and childcare, making you feel loved and wanted, are all more likely to succeed than aggressively demanding a shag.
Alternatively dump him and find a man who has more than the faintest idea of how to be a good lover!

Sunnytwobridges · 09/04/2022 14:01

Whoaaaa I thought you were going to say you only had sex 2-3 times a month but 2-3 times a week and he’s having a tantrum?!? And guilt tripping you? He sounds vile and it would make not ever want to have sex with him again. Yuck.

Anothernick · 09/04/2022 15:25

Direct criticism of your DPs sexual performance is a red flag. If he thinks it's boring the correct approach is to suggest trying something new and then trying to make it enjoyable for you so you want to repeat the experience. But its inevitable the sex in an LTR will be a bit routine at times - you can't do something new every week.

If this was a one-off episode of temper you could perhaps look past it but if he always communicates through anger and belittling you then you need to consider your options. And you should certainly not feel bad or blame yourself - from what you say you have no cause to feel guilty.

Jinglebellsoncake · 09/04/2022 15:37

Same situation going on here.
DH woke me early on Monday for sex. I rejected him. Just as I was dosing off I told him how selfish he was being
(2x young children and we have active sex lives)

He didn’t speak to me all week, until this morning (so it’s been 5 days now) I diffused the situation by giving him a cuddle- which lead to sex.
He said “Sex makes me love you more” to me.

I can’t stop thinking about this. There are other issues in our relationship. Silent treatment being one of them and I feel he is starting to use sex as a conditional treatment of his love.

Sorry I’m not helpful for you, but I was shocked at the similarities in your post.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 09/04/2022 15:40

How were your 2 small children still asleep at 7am? misses point

TheRossatron · 09/04/2022 15:41

Every day I come on here and am reassured within 15 minutes that not being in a relationship isn't the worst thing in the world

Every. Fucking. Day.

Googlecanthelpme · 09/04/2022 15:44

@Jinglebellsoncake

Same situation going on here. DH woke me early on Monday for sex. I rejected him. Just as I was dosing off I told him how selfish he was being (2x young children and we have active sex lives)

He didn’t speak to me all week, until this morning (so it’s been 5 days now) I diffused the situation by giving him a cuddle- which lead to sex.
He said “Sex makes me love you more” to me.

I can’t stop thinking about this. There are other issues in our relationship. Silent treatment being one of them and I feel he is starting to use sex as a conditional treatment of his love.

Sorry I’m not helpful for you, but I was shocked at the similarities in your post.

Oh this isn’t right at all.

This is not how you treat someone. There’s so many issues with his behaviour I don’t know where to start.
Sad

IcePoppy2 · 09/04/2022 15:46

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone.

@Jinglebellsoncake sorry to hear you’re going through the same. I can’t believe what he said to you, that’s so disrespectful! DP enjoys giving me the silent treatment too if we argue about other things. It’s so draining. I hope you’re ok

@Maybeitstimeforachange 5 year old is a lazy bones and would sleep all day if I let him, and my 1 year old usually wakes up around 7:30-8. I’m lucky!

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 09/04/2022 15:48

He's trying to pester, bully, guilt and shame you into more sex. And then threaten you with cheating. He'd be quite happy to have more sex with you even though he knows you don't want to. Just take some time to think about that. He's a pig.

Whatthefuck3456 · 09/04/2022 15:51

Wish mine was like yours!

ChloeHel · 09/04/2022 16:05

Well isn’t your DP a bit of a prick. Why do some men think they are entitled to have sex on tap? I’d be buying a full on nuns outfit and telling my DH that I am now celibate for the foreseeable and he has his hand if he’s desperate.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/04/2022 16:08

Are there other red flags op?

CandyLeBonBon · 09/04/2022 16:10

@Whatthefuck3456

Wish mine was like yours!
I hope you mean your kids and not your DP??
Jinglebellsoncake · 09/04/2022 17:05

If he isn’t happy that he gets sex 2-3x a week, I think he will have a hard time finding a long term partner who does more than this, with 2 young kids.

Sorry OP. I’m stuck in the same situation but I just can’t dig myself out of the same routine (this happens to me fairly regularly)

Inthesameboatatmo · 09/04/2022 17:55

@Jinglebellsoncake

Same situation going on here. DH woke me early on Monday for sex. I rejected him. Just as I was dosing off I told him how selfish he was being (2x young children and we have active sex lives)

He didn’t speak to me all week, until this morning (so it’s been 5 days now) I diffused the situation by giving him a cuddle- which lead to sex.
He said “Sex makes me love you more” to me.

I can’t stop thinking about this. There are other issues in our relationship. Silent treatment being one of them and I feel he is starting to use sex as a conditional treatment of his love.

Sorry I’m not helpful for you, but I was shocked at the similarities in your post.

@jinglebellsoncake. I wouldn't have been giving him a cuddle I would've given him his bags that I'd lovingly packed and shown him the door . Wow just wow. Sorry you are going through that but it's a ltb.

Op this is manipulation how many times a week does he want sex. He sounds so entitled and the silent treatment is abusive.

MrsR87 · 09/04/2022 17:58

Well he sounds lovely…

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 18:05

You tell him if you know he was an abusive sex pest you wouldn't have gotten into a serious relationship with him...

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