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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sex life

58 replies

IcePoppy2 · 09/04/2022 12:16

Sorry this is going to be long. DP woke me up at 7am this morning trying to initiate sex. I told him no as I wanted some more sleep. I was just dozing off when he tried again. Maybe I shouldn’t have but this time I told him to fuck off. I eventually fell back asleep but was woken up yet again by him getting out of bed and slamming the bedroom door. I didn’t think too much of it, I thought it may have been a mistake until I came down stairs and he wouldn’t speak to me. I asked him what his problem was and he said nothing. After another half an hour or so of ignoring me, I told him if something is bothering him I’d rather speak about it. Again, he told me nothing was the matter. Fast forward an hour later, we were in the car on our way to shopping. He tells me that he isn’t happy that I didn’t want sex. He basically said our sex life is boring and he doesn’t get it enough. He then starts calling me weird and said I’m a nun. He says that this is the reason why men cheat and that if he knew our sex life was going to be like this he wouldn’t have gone into a relationship with me. We’ve been together 9 years and have 2 young children. We have sex on average 2/3 times a week. I will admit that when I get into bed sometimes I do just want to go to sleep. He does have a higher sex drive than me and admittedly there are only a few times a month when my sex drive is high. But when we are having sex I do enjoy it. I’m just really hurt by his words and I don’t know what to say to him. I do feel really guilty that he feels this waySad

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/04/2022 18:06

@Jinglebellsoncake it is really really awful that the only way you could get him to speak to you was to have sex with him. Sex is conditional clearly not on love but on him communicating with you.

2-3 times is above average but within normal range. You need to stop feeling guilty and sit him down and tell him that basically he is saying that you need to submit to him when he wants regardless of whether you feel like it. Does he really think that is a good way for a man to behave in a relationship and it is the reason why a lot of women would leave relationships when the respect and love has gone. How does he expect you to want to have sex with him if he is basically saying he just wants sex rather than with you.

EarthSight · 09/04/2022 19:10

We have sex on average 2/3 times a week

Sorry, but if he expected to have sex more times than that he shouldn't have had children. Also, no idea how he's going to cope through the menopause. I know some women maintain high sex drives after having kids, and for some women their sex drives increase during or after menopause, but for many, many, women, maybe most women, the opposite happens. Also, a lot of women's sex drives follow ovulation as that's when the most oestrogen and testosterone is released and is when you are fertile. We're not fertile 24hrs like men are.

You are not a nun. Honestly, he might as well have called you frigid. There is an implicit threat here that if you don't have sex with him more often, he will have an affair. I know everybody's idea of normal is different, but really, I bet many married men would think you're drive is more than enough. Don't let him make you feel guilty for being perfectly average, if not above average for a woman who has small children.

AfraidToRun · 10/04/2022 10:09

This is the reason why I left my ex. I was so exhausted from the morning gropes, the Huff's and puffs, slammed doors, the "we're never going to have children" despite always using contraception, the so and so is flirting with me, the uninvited approaches whilst in the shower, the "you always fucking do this", the silent treatment, the sleeping in another room whilst I cried.

Eventually I gave in. Had sex whenever he wanted, it was extremely physically painful. I would be so happy I had endured the pain because I'd have a day or two of peace.

You can't convince entitled people not to feel entitled. You can only remove yourself. The first night I left and was free to sleep unpestered was bliss. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.

IcePoppy2 · 10/04/2022 10:37

@AfraidToRun Sorry to hear you went through the same. You’re right, it is exhausting. DP is the same. Constant groping, following me upstairs when I say I’m going in the bath or shower. He can’t even give me a kiss or hug without trying to turn it into sex. A part of me feels bad for saying all of this, I am always wondering if I am the problem. Wondering if there is something wrong with me for not wanting sex all of the time. But to hear it’s not just me who has experienced it is reassuring but of course I am sorry you went through it. I’m glad to hear you got out of the situation. I do love him and as I said, I do enjoy it when I am in the mood but he doesn’t understand why I don’t want it 24/7 which is the problem. I’d like for him to show me he loves me in another way.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 10/04/2022 10:39

[quote IcePoppy2]@AfraidToRun Sorry to hear you went through the same. You’re right, it is exhausting. DP is the same. Constant groping, following me upstairs when I say I’m going in the bath or shower. He can’t even give me a kiss or hug without trying to turn it into sex. A part of me feels bad for saying all of this, I am always wondering if I am the problem. Wondering if there is something wrong with me for not wanting sex all of the time. But to hear it’s not just me who has experienced it is reassuring but of course I am sorry you went through it. I’m glad to hear you got out of the situation. I do love him and as I said, I do enjoy it when I am in the mood but he doesn’t understand why I don’t want it 24/7 which is the problem. I’d like for him to show me he loves me in another way.[/quote]
I've just realised my ex was a sex pest op. He was exactly the same! You're not the one with the problem here.

IcePoppy2 · 10/04/2022 10:45

@CandyLeBonBon Thank you, it’s a relief to know it’s not me. It’s just frustrating. He’s made me believe that I am the only woman that is like this, apparently every other woman “loves it” Just because I’m not in the mood for it 24/7 doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it, I’d just like to have a relaxing bath once in a while, or to just get into bed and go to sleep.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 10/04/2022 10:48

Yuck. I bet he leaves all the childcare to you too, and doesn't do much to lighten your workload, which might actually help you feel less tired and more receptive to sex. These fuckers are all the same. And 2/3 times a week with small children is above average.

Sudokooo · 10/04/2022 10:48

This is why I will be single for the rest of my life. I just can’t be doing with shit like this from entitled men.

Quartz2208 · 10/04/2022 10:50

[quote IcePoppy2]@CandyLeBonBon Thank you, it’s a relief to know it’s not me. It’s just frustrating. He’s made me believe that I am the only woman that is like this, apparently every other woman “loves it” Just because I’m not in the mood for it 24/7 doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it, I’d just like to have a relaxing bath once in a while, or to just get into bed and go to sleep.[/quote]
There is a difference though between liking and having sex and being treated like he treats you - which is a lot like a sex doll.

No women would like this. Because he is basically trying to take your autonomy over your body away. He wants you to be available to him ALL the time. And that simply isnt on.

He isnt getting it is he - that it isnt about sex or sex drive it is about you not being able to have a bath or sleep - basic things. If it is that bad it is abusive OP not a simple matter of mismatched sex drives

He does understand he just chooses not to

AfraidToRun · 10/04/2022 10:56

When you tell him you want to be shown love in another way does he then use it to say if you had more sex maybe he would? It'll never be enough. I thought I was a terrible girlfriend for not giving him the only thing I was for. It felt like he tolerated who I was in order to access my body. It's dehumanising. I was worthless but my body seemingly priceless. It felt like a war. A constant defence and worry.

It was a very hard lesson to learn that sex is not a transaction. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my body for love and affection. I feel quite uncomfortable when MN say maybe if he did more around the house etc I wouldn't sleep with my cleaner as a thank you.... I am only sexually attracted to people who I am emotionally connected to. Just being there isn't enough, I need someone to ask me what I'm passionate about, to look like they enjoy my company, to ask my opinion, to leave the last bit of milk because they know I live for my morning coffee. They understand and see who I am, my values, opinions, needs, wants, my best bits.

I met someone new after my ex, we were sexless for years as I was so traumatized by years of unwanted sex. He never once complained. Our emotional connection was deep and meaningful. He looked at me with love not lust and for the first time in my life I was truly seen. There are good, respectful men out there.

Mumof3confused · 10/04/2022 11:06

There are so many similarities between my husband and yours. In the end I went off sex completely. Eventually I came on here to vent and people told me he was using coercion to get me to agree to sex. I hadn’t realised before but this is definitely coercive behaviour. It was the beginning of the end for me. I’ve filed for divorce this week.

LetHimHaveIt · 10/04/2022 11:15

'Your DH sounds like he has a problem. 2-3 times a week is way more than average.
No, it isn't fgs.'

Oh, but it is - the average Brit has sex about once a week.

He's getting it about every third day, and whining about not getting enough? Tit.

MrsMo21 · 10/04/2022 11:27

My exH was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive and this was one of his go to behaviours.

Your husband is abusive and quite frankly, repulsive. I’d leave (and I actually did!), it doesn’t get better.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 10/04/2022 11:57

Just think how lovely your life would be worth out this moronic waste of space. You do not owe him sex, ever. Sex is not a transaction or a duty and should only happen when both parties enthusiastically consent. Anyone who coerces, nags or bargains for sex is not a fit person to be in a relationship.

0atie · 10/04/2022 12:05

Can I just say that all the people who say 'oh I'm so glad I'm single' and MN is always reminding me why I'm single. People come here to moan about their problems and ask advice, plenty of people have for filling and loving relationships with generous lovers and kind men

Just wanted to say that Smile

Karatema · 10/04/2022 12:27

@IcePoppy2 I remember those days, my DH called me frigid! As a DM of 2 toddler DC it's exhausting! My DH, eventually stopped asking but, I then had to give him a talk, that when I asked for a cuddle it wasn't, necessarily, an invite for sex! He sulked a lot! I always had to initiate from then on. 30 years later we're still together, our sex life now suits us both but the best years were in our 40s/50s.
If I knew then how abusive he was being I'd have left! He's now mortified at his behaviour then but, then, for so many reasons we are both different people now.

Sunnytwobridges · 10/04/2022 12:34

[quote IcePoppy2]@CandyLeBonBon Thank you, it’s a relief to know it’s not me. It’s just frustrating. He’s made me believe that I am the only woman that is like this, apparently every other woman “loves it” Just because I’m not in the mood for it 24/7 doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it, I’d just like to have a relaxing bath once in a while, or to just get into bed and go to sleep.[/quote]
My ex was the same. He would tell me how “most women would love for their man to want sex with them all the time”, “love to be seen as a sex object” and etc. which is funny cause most of my
girlfriends would not like any of this but I couldn’t convince him otherwise.

ravenmum · 10/04/2022 12:35

He says that this is the reason why men cheat and that if he knew our sex life was going to be like this he wouldn’t have gone into a relationship with me.
Serious question: would you have married him if you'd known this was what your sex life was going to be like? Groping, pestering, sulking, insults, complaints, threats of infidelity? And with this little understanding of how to get a woman in the mood, presumably also selfish in bed?

ChangefortheBetter88 · 10/04/2022 12:38

This is the best comment of the week for me Smile . I laughed so hard. I couldn’t agree more.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 10/04/2022 13:59

Sorry op it's horrible, going through the same thing here. Told I was a shit partner and he may as well be single.

I don't really have advice just a listening ear

AubadeIsIt · 10/04/2022 14:23

[quote IcePoppy2]@AfraidToRun Sorry to hear you went through the same. You’re right, it is exhausting. DP is the same. Constant groping, following me upstairs when I say I’m going in the bath or shower. He can’t even give me a kiss or hug without trying to turn it into sex. A part of me feels bad for saying all of this, I am always wondering if I am the problem. Wondering if there is something wrong with me for not wanting sex all of the time. But to hear it’s not just me who has experienced it is reassuring but of course I am sorry you went through it. I’m glad to hear you got out of the situation. I do love him and as I said, I do enjoy it when I am in the mood but he doesn’t understand why I don’t want it 24/7 which is the problem. I’d like for him to show me he loves me in another way.[/quote]
Oh no, it's not you and you'll be amazed how your mojo comes back with someone else who isn't a selfish additional child in your life.

CaramelMacchiatto · 10/04/2022 22:02

@TheRossatron

Every day I come on here and am reassured within 15 minutes that not being in a relationship isn't the worst thing in the world

Every. Fucking. Day.

Brilliant 😂
Lookabitlikemymum · 10/04/2022 22:20

@AubadeIsIt Exactly right.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 10/04/2022 22:24

Fgs stop comparing new lovers with old relationships bogged down the complexities of time.

Lookabitlikemymum · 10/04/2022 22:31

@Hrpuffnstuff1 Old or new - lovers are far more attractive if they can act with a bit of respect and understanding.