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Original poster

Why would you stop contact with kids?

70 replies

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:01

I have been talking a lot to a guy but not yet met him but it’s become apparent that this usually doting dad has been stopped seeing his children.

He says she’s ‘being awkward’ and now when I ask he says she’s just ‘a bitch’ and he says end of discussion.
She seems like a great mum and person from what I have learned about her and she doesn’t come across as the type to keep a good father from his kids.

All sorts is going through my head. I know if it were my children there’s not much that would make me keep them away from their father. It’d have to be something so serious. But what?

He won’t tell me and it puts me off wanting to get to know him more as obviously kids are a huge part of our lives.

What would keep you from letting kids see their dad??

OP posts:
thestraitofillinois · 08/04/2022 15:04

Anything that would put them in potential danger.

How old are the children?

Original poster
Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:08

8 and 10. I’m imagining all sorts. Whatever it is he is accepting of the fact whereas IF she was just being difficult you’d fight her tooth and nail surely?

OP posts:
Kayo123456 · 08/04/2022 15:10

Your logic is correct - trust your instincts.

thestraitofillinois · 08/04/2022 15:11

Alcoholism? Drugs? Mixing with potentially dangerous people?

Yes I agree that most people would fight.

SalsaLove · 08/04/2022 15:12

He’s lying about something. Just the fact that he referred to his ex as a bitch (or any woman for that matter) tells me everything I need to know. He’s not a gentleman.

LilacShark · 08/04/2022 15:13

Trust your instincts. A man who says she's 'just a bitch' and can't articulate a bit more- even if it's early days- does not sound like the kind of man worth sticking around with.

strrawberriesandcream · 08/04/2022 15:13

My friend was a survivor of domestic violence and removed her children from that home with him.

She tried to facilitate contact so they could never blame her for not allowing him in their lives but he was a feckless waste of space, drunk often, battered other women and didn't show up when he said he would.

She decided to refuse contact until he got his act together as he was causing them more hurt than if he just wasn't around.

He took her to court for contact, didn't turn up to the hearing and they ended up providing my friend with a comprehensive list of all of his previous violent offences to women.

To anyone new he seems like a nice man. He isn't.

Original poster
Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:14

If it was nothing to be ashamed of then he’d surely just tell me.
Makes dating new people so difficult as we have no way of knowing anything except what they tell us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:16

Nobody can blame your friend in that instance. But these two have been split for four years and she’s happily settled with a new man. This has only come about very recently so I’m wondering what could have happened all of a sudden

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/04/2022 15:23

I stopped my ex for a long time. He's a rubbish dad anyway and all I wanted was consistency. He would pop up regular for a few months, get a nice routine going, then would go AWOL for months and months. Pop up again for a few weeks and so on. My kid has ASD and NEEDs consistency. The last meltdown with his coat on waiting at the front door was the tipping point.

Now he's 15 and ex comes here once a week but the bairn never expects him now.

He pays for nothing for him, never has.

Not letting them just because isn't always the case. Some woman do it as a form of control but a lot don't.

Topseyt · 08/04/2022 15:24

It sounds like there is more to this. Stuff that he isn't telling you.

I'd be willing to bet that she hasn't just suddenly turned into a bitch. She has her reasons. Perhaps the kids themselves are unhappy and uncomfortable around him for some reason too.

My BIL was an alcoholic, and very abusive towards his ex-wife when they were together. He continued it once they were separated, if he could work out where she was. He lost custody and all rights of access to their then 2 year old daughter. To the outside world he was a charming man. To those close to him it was a very different story indeed.

You would rarely have seen the problems from the outside looking in. You haven't even met this guy in person, so you are definitely on the outside looking in. Even more so. Alarm bells should be ringing. Very possibly he isn't quite the doting father that he has painted himself up to be.

AHungryCaterpillar · 08/04/2022 15:29

I stopped my ex from seeing the kids, well I didn’t, I stopped him from coming to MY house to see them as it’s the only way he would see them, I told him he has to take them and he isn’t allowed in my house anymore for contact, he decided he would rather just not see them then 🤷‍♀️

unicornsarereal72 · 08/04/2022 15:29

Yeah I'm sure my ex says the same about me. He prioritised his drinking and social life before the children. Did not want to have a consistent approach to contact so the children and I had to be available at his every whim. Which we weren't. He also paid nothing towards supporting them.
When they went he would sleep most of the day as he had hang over and they slept on his bedroom floor.

Eldest voted with his feet. Which is all my doing apparently. Youngest is t far behind.

layladomino · 08/04/2022 18:21

I think your reasoning is spot on. If he had nothing to be ashamed of, he would tell you. Surely he would fight tooth and nail to see his children? If he doesn't then either he knows there is a good reason (eg a legal reason) keeping him away, or he isn't that bothered about them. Either way it's a bad sign.

GreyCarpet · 08/04/2022 18:24

I'd say it's more than likely he's just not bothered in them but knows that sounds bad so is garnering sympathy against his bitch ex instead...

He can't answer your question on why she has stopped him.seeing the children because she hasn't.

Moser85 · 08/04/2022 18:29

Stopped overnights with my ex last year.

The reason was drug use and a few incidents related to drug use! I asked for drugs tests and assurances that overnights would be at his house, and that he couldn't have anyone else in the house doing drugs at the time. He refused to go to court for that. He was allowed to take them during the day etc. but very rarely does! He got used to a child free life very very quickly once I stopped overnights and just seems like he isn't bothered now!

DowntonCrabby · 08/04/2022 18:32

Huge red flags. Run a mile OP, and be careful when you cut contact, this type don’t take polite rejection well at all.

Flowers
Jagley · 08/04/2022 18:34

My ex tells people I'm a bitch and stopped him seeing ds, in reality he abused ds and isn't allowed to see him. There is more to it than he's telling you.

baileys6904 · 08/04/2022 18:37

Someone posted on here in the last week or so that she stopped the dad seeing the kids because she wanted him to pay her mortgage and the private school fees as well as hiw own accommodation and didn't think she should have to contribute at all.

Id like to say that's a one off but I've seen a number of woman weaponise their children for financial reasons.

movingon2022 · 08/04/2022 18:38

I know that there may be all kinds of people out there that would may be try to stop their ex seeing children just to get back at them, but there are laws in every country that help in these cases. If kids were older I would say, she could have persuade them not to see their father with some kind of badmouthing, but small kids like these.... no way.. They would want to see their father and if he really wants it he should be able to see them.

When my ex and I were at our first mediation session the mediator asked what we wanted to talk about. I said, "kids" and my ex said "money", he did not even blink. He did not think for a second that something was wrong with his answer. When we came to talking about custody and stuff (only one of three kids is a minor but they live with me), he literally said, "kids can come to see me whenever the want. No need to have a schedule". Can you imagine! That is how much he cares about them.

octoberfarm · 08/04/2022 18:40

It definitely sounds like there's more to this. I wouldn't stick around to get to know anyone that a) referred to an ex (or any woman) as a bitch, and there is nothing on earth that would keep me or DH from our children, or keep us from fighting to see them. There are red flags everywhere here. Like you said, if there was nothing to hide, why can't he explain it? I'd run, not walk away from this one. Sorry, OP.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 08/04/2022 18:43

A good man would try to resolve it with the Mum and if that didn’t work they would immediately go down the court route.

CaperCaper · 08/04/2022 18:45

So option 1 - it's him, he's the problem for whatever reason, she's not a 'bitch' she's protecting her kids maybe OR option 2 - it's her, she is a 'bitch' and she is maybe trying to get at him in some way by removing access to kids. You don't need either of those people anywhere near your life. Don't get yourself wrapped up in this. Cut him loose!

SkirridHill · 08/04/2022 18:45

@AHungryCaterpillar

I stopped my ex from seeing the kids, well I didn’t, I stopped him from coming to MY house to see them as it’s the only way he would see them, I told him he has to take them and he isn’t allowed in my house anymore for contact, he decided he would rather just not see them then 🤷‍♀️
This is exactly what's happening with my ex right now. When he moved out I was happy for him to have contact here but he's rude, aggressive, and tramples over any boundaries I set up. I've told him he can see DD anytime for any length of time, but he won't because it's not at my house. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Hope90x · 08/04/2022 18:46

I'm not saying it's the same for everyone and these situations are definitely worth looking further into... But I do know of a mother who stops her child from seeing their Father if he is in a relationship. This woman very clearly sees her baby daddy as "the one that got away" and whilst he is single she remains hopeful (pleasant and accommodating) that she will win him back. She has come on to him whenever an opportunity presents itself and regularly asks for favours, car rides, jobs in the house whilst he is single. As soon as he is in a relationship it turns to "DC doesn't want to see you and I won't force him". It's not as if he is introducing DC to any partners... Or that there are many of them (only 2 LT relationships)

She is more to be pitied as I think she has moved past the stage where she has any hope of finding anyone else. Courts will give orders and grant joint custody but she simply doesn't facilitate the arrangements and doesn't have to pay a penny no matter how many times she lands in court.

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