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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why would you stop contact with kids?

70 replies

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:01

I have been talking a lot to a guy but not yet met him but it’s become apparent that this usually doting dad has been stopped seeing his children.

He says she’s ‘being awkward’ and now when I ask he says she’s just ‘a bitch’ and he says end of discussion.
She seems like a great mum and person from what I have learned about her and she doesn’t come across as the type to keep a good father from his kids.

All sorts is going through my head. I know if it were my children there’s not much that would make me keep them away from their father. It’d have to be something so serious. But what?

He won’t tell me and it puts me off wanting to get to know him more as obviously kids are a huge part of our lives.

What would keep you from letting kids see their dad??

OP posts:
LethargeMarg · 08/04/2022 18:49

If someone tried to stop me seeing my kids I would do everything I could to see them . It's pretty difficult to stop contact with a parent (even terrible abusive parents often get supervised contact ) so it's a massive red flag that he's not trying to regain contact

Steelesauce · 08/04/2022 18:51

Haha my ex says I'm a bitch to people. Reality is, he's a child abuser and isn't allowed to see his kids. Very few women would stop a good Dad from seeing their children.

LethargeMarg · 08/04/2022 18:52

Or even a bit of a crap dad, they have to be horrendous to not get contact at all

Atypicaldancer · 08/04/2022 18:53

My DH had contact stopped unjustly. He told me the whole situation, didn’t call his ex a ‘bitch’ and fought through court (and won). I’ve seen all the court documents and he’s hidden nothing. I would worry in this case.

Original poster
Prender1 · 08/04/2022 18:56

Thanks everyone. I’m not condoning him calling her a bitch and I’m more than sure from what I know, that she isn’t. However, I can understand him lashing out if he’s devastated he can’t see his kids BUT why isn’t he?? I know he was a great dad and loves them so there is definitely a reason, probably legal, why he’s not challenging her. Something serious MUST have happened. He did divulge he’d had some heavy problems with ex over Christmas when he went quiet on me. But now it’s just a refusal to talk and she’s just being awkward etc.

Don’t believe a word of it. I can understand him not wanting to talk about it if it’s upsetting but you’d think he’d be quick to reassure at the same time.

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 08/04/2022 19:20

More red flags than a Labour Party conference. A bloke who complains that his ex is a bitch, he's stopped from seeing his children for no known reason etc is likely to be looking for his next victim. Run for the hills.

WonderfulYou · 08/04/2022 19:23

She seems like a great mum and person from what I have learned about her and she doesn’t come across as the type to keep a good father from his kids.

How do you know this when if you’ve never even met him?

Many women are bitches and are very controlling so do stop the dad from seeing their kids for no good reason. as they see them as just theirs and not shared.

However way more men will claim that their ex is stopping them when either - they haven’t stopped them at all or they’ve just put in place boundaries which he refuses to.

Considering he’s called her a bitch to someone he’s never met I can almost guarantee she hasn’t stopped him.

Either
He is a crap dad and doesn’t see his kids
Or
He is not allowed to see his kids for safety reasons
Or
She is a bitch and there’s going to be a lot of drama surrounding their relationship

I wouldn’t want to be involved with any of it.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2022 19:34

Strike 1-He 'went quiet' over Xmas without (I assume) letting you know at the time he needed space to deal with a 'situation'. 2-Although I respect his right to not bare his soul to you, the use of the phrase 'end of discussion' is indicative (to me) of someone who won't engage in difficult discussions. 3- The fact that he won't tell you what the problem is (although again, that's his right) indicates to me that it's something that would make you think badly of him. As far as I'm concerned it's '3 strikes, he's OUT'.

Also, someone I haven't even met yet who's causing me this much concern/taking this much headspace isn't worth it.

FelicityPike · 08/04/2022 19:42

Do a Sarah’s Law application.
This guy sounds dodgy as.

totallyoutnumbered · 08/04/2022 19:51

@AcrossthePond55

Strike 1-He 'went quiet' over Xmas without (I assume) letting you know at the time he needed space to deal with a 'situation'. 2-Although I respect his right to not bare his soul to you, the use of the phrase 'end of discussion' is indicative (to me) of someone who won't engage in difficult discussions. 3- The fact that he won't tell you what the problem is (although again, that's his right) indicates to me that it's something that would make you think badly of him. As far as I'm concerned it's '3 strikes, he's OUT'.

Also, someone I haven't even met yet who's causing me this much concern/taking this much headspace isn't worth it.

This!
CheshireChat · 08/04/2022 20:06

Why are you even considering this relationship?! What could you possibly gain from it?

My ex is the same, what he's failing to mention it's that SS stopped contact...

Theunamedcat · 08/04/2022 20:11

My ex stopped himself and blamed me then threatened me so he could see them again then blamed me because he only sees them for the time that he requested

Theunamedcat · 08/04/2022 20:11

It all sounds too much like drama I would be walking away

Sweetnessandbite · 08/04/2022 20:23

My ex would tell his family and new friends that I stopped him seeing kids and turned them against him. In reality he chose to stop seeing them. Doesn't even text them. None of his family talk to me or the kids all on his lies.
If a parent wanted to see their children they would fight to do so.
Sorry but I wouldn't continue with this man.

Aimee1987 · 08/04/2022 20:23

My DPs ex tried to reduce contact / change DSSs surname to her new husbands name. I think she wanted to play happy famlies with her new husband and child. The big difference is here is as soon as DP contacted a solicitor, laid out the process and told her what her half of mediation would cost she backtracked pretty fucking fast.
My point is there are some women who will intentionally or unintentionally use kids and visitation as wepons in splits.
However the big flag here for me is he wont calmly tell you what's going on and doesnt appear to be fighting for his kids.

Moser85 · 08/04/2022 20:34

@Prender1

Thanks everyone. I’m not condoning him calling her a bitch and I’m more than sure from what I know, that she isn’t. However, I can understand him lashing out if he’s devastated he can’t see his kids BUT why isn’t he?? I know he was a great dad and loves them so there is definitely a reason, probably legal, why he’s not challenging her. Something serious MUST have happened. He did divulge he’d had some heavy problems with ex over Christmas when he went quiet on me. But now it’s just a refusal to talk and she’s just being awkward etc.

Don’t believe a word of it. I can understand him not wanting to talk about it if it’s upsetting but you’d think he’d be quick to reassure at the same time.

They don't feel the need to provide reassurance because unfortunately generally when these guys talk about the bitch ex who won't let them see the kids FOR NO REASON Hmm no one ever challenges them and people just go along with it and feel sorry for them, even when it's very obvious that there are good reasons for it.

Unfortunately in society it's not that frowned upon to be a shit dad.... there are very few social repercussions and most even find women willing to have more kids with them even though they don't parent their other kids!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 08/04/2022 20:40

I know he was a great dad and loves them

How do you know he was a great dad? Who described him that way to you?

Original poster
Prender1 · 08/04/2022 20:46

Well I suppose I don’t know that for sure. But a look at his ex wife’s fb page and historically she has waxed lyrical about him being the best husband, loving father etc etc. I know fb is a fake place but they looked like a genuinely happy lives up family

OP posts:
JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 08/04/2022 20:48

In my experience I didn’t need to stop him, he did it all by his fucking self.

Great dad or not op (and my DDs bio father would once have been called a great dad) is it possible he just can’t be arsed

AlternativePerspective · 08/04/2022 20:54

Do you actually know that she’s the one preventing contact? Or is that just what he’s said?

It’s entirely possible he’s a waste of space father who can’t be bothered with his kids, so he tells any new woman she’s stopping him from seeing them, because the alternative will show him for the loser he is.

onanotherday · 08/04/2022 21:02

I would say it's a red flag.
If real concerns you can contact the police and do a Clare's law application which there are any convictions or concerns.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 21:06

I know he was a great dad and loves them

Why on earth do you think you know this about someone you've been speaking to but not yet met?

Tequilamockinbird · 08/04/2022 21:11

My XP told anyone who would listen that I was awful and wouldn't let him see his DD. He still does, and she's mid-20s now Confused

The truth is I never once stopped him seeing her. He basically disowned her and wanted nothing to do with her a little while after we split. He would never admit that to anyone though and show that he's a piece of shit. So it was always easier to lie and blame me.

It's definitely a red flag though, OP. One way or the other.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 21:13

It's hugely worrying that you're considering pursuing something that's already got such massive question marks, red flags and when you ask about it he says she’s just ‘a bitch’ and he says end of discussion.

Do you think that's how nice men talk to and about women? To the woman they're dating and about the mother of their children?

Do you think good, loving dads just stop seeing their kids because the mum is difficult? No. Good blokes, if in that situation, would pursue contact through the courts before ever walking away.

Are you much younger than him? Have you been in previously abusive relationships? I ask as, gently, I wonder if your expectations are low or your experience is perhaps limited so you don't have decent blokes to compare him to?

Fundays12 · 08/04/2022 21:16

He may have been a rubbish dad, she may have good reasons but I can assure you’re that some mums just stop the dad seeing there kids as a means of controlling there ex partner when they feel they have lost control. It’s called parental alienation and it’s more common than most people realise. I have seen enough court causes to know this.