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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why would you stop contact with kids?

70 replies

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 15:01

I have been talking a lot to a guy but not yet met him but it’s become apparent that this usually doting dad has been stopped seeing his children.

He says she’s ‘being awkward’ and now when I ask he says she’s just ‘a bitch’ and he says end of discussion.
She seems like a great mum and person from what I have learned about her and she doesn’t come across as the type to keep a good father from his kids.

All sorts is going through my head. I know if it were my children there’s not much that would make me keep them away from their father. It’d have to be something so serious. But what?

He won’t tell me and it puts me off wanting to get to know him more as obviously kids are a huge part of our lives.

What would keep you from letting kids see their dad??

OP posts:

sophienelisse · 08/04/2022 21:17

It costs I think £215 to self represent in court for access. This might have changed since I last looked sone time ago.

Why hasn't he done this already? That is what I would be asking.

Original poster

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 21:17

I’m not considering a relationship that’s the point of this question. I obviously see the red flags as clearly as you all do. I’m simply asking what your thoughts about the REASONS for it are. If indeed she is the one who’s stopped the contact which I think is true.

OP posts:

Moser85 · 08/04/2022 21:22

@Prender1 but you said you've been talking to a guy a lot but not met him yet.

You also said All sorts is going through my head

He won’t tell me and it puts me off wanting to get to know him more

but you’d think he’d be quick to reassure at the same time.

You sound very over invested...even looking at his ex wifes facebook page, clearly you are considering a relationship if you're thinking about it this much and trying to get answers from him, from her social media and now from MN.

ErinAoife · 08/04/2022 21:25

Some men but not all men when separated only want to see their kids as long as they don't interfer with their private life. My ex only agree to have the kids one weekend every two weeks and to take them on holiday 2 weeks a year as he is entitled to a private life, he won't spend all his holiday with them. I wanted 50-50 but he refused. After a year I manage to have him taken them one day overnight during the week. So over 365 days he has them 118 days (if no cancellation) which is roughly 33 %. He doesn't really help when they are sick, I am the one that need to take time off work each time because as he quote I don't understand that he is working (bear in mind that I work the same hours than him) and he can't drop everything to pick up a child. One of the kids and himself tested positive for covid during their 2 week holiday last year as his girlfriend came to visit knowing full well there was a possibility she had covid as her kids all had covid, I had to pick up the kids from his place as he could not take care of them despite having no symptoms and no consideration of me getting covid as a result, luckily I did not catch it. Sorry I am ranting

anon2022anon · 08/04/2022 21:25

@Prender1 there's a woman on another thread saying how her husband is a good man, they have a good relationship except for the issue she's brought up. Shes just slipped in the conversation that hes occasionally given her a slap or punch to the head. On an anonymous thread where she can be honest, she's telling everyone he's a good man. What do you think she's putting on Facebook about him?

Original poster

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 21:29

No you get me wrong. I know this guy through work, different city offices, and we were getting to know one another. As soon as I saw the reluctance to explain what was happening I DID start to wonder and yes all sorts of things are going through my head. Because I wouldn’t do it to my ex husband unless it was a safeguarding issue.

I am invested in so much as I’d like to know what I’m facing in the dating world after being out of it for 25 years. And as for anyone saying they wouldn’t snoop on Facebook I don’t believe you 😜

OP posts:

Newbabynewhouse · 08/04/2022 21:31

Red flag red flag red flag.... do not bother getting to know him more.. ypu have every right to ask him why hes been stopped and the fact he won't tell you says it all! Also the fact he calls her "a bitch" doesn't sit right..
The things for me would be domestic abuse towards myself or any violence or abuse towards my child...bad temper that couldnt be controlled etc... bad drug use around child... this to me rings loud alarm bells..id run whilst you can...he is not a catch

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2022 21:36

@Prender1

Ok sorry, it wasn't clear or obvious to me at all from your posts that you weren't going to meet him and the 'all sorts is going through my head' read to me as you being emotionally invested enough that you were conflicted about whether to see him or not. Apologies if I was wrong.

Tequilamockinbird · 08/04/2022 21:41

The reason he doesn't see his DCs is either a safeguarding issue 🚩, his ex really is being awkward but he doesn't want to/can't be arsed to fight for access 🚩, or he's just a shit dad who doesn't want to see them and is blaming his ex 🚩.

Run for the hills.

beckycharlie · 08/04/2022 21:45

I've very recently stopped my ex seeing our child after 4 years due to information I've recently found out about things he apparently did years before I knew him that including grooming his own children and until the social services and police checks come back clear he won't be seeing him.

babycornfortea · 08/04/2022 21:54

See this sort of thing, describing the ex as 'a bitch' etc, when you don't really know what happened, and the why or the wherefore of this man not seeing his kids, makes me so angry.

Most likely she's not a bitch, most likely she's got concerns about him; or there's a court order or ss intervention that means he's not allowed contact.

I've got a perfectly good (beautiful, intelligent and amazing, but then I am biased ) dd upstairs asleep right now, her father is not allowed to see her, court ordered, and for very good reason. Does that make me a bitch? No, it makes me a mother whose first priority is my child.

Does that make him say I am a bitch who is forbidding him from seeing his child? Probably, but he can go to hell.

I don't get all the angst if you haven't even met this person yet?

babycornfortea · 08/04/2022 21:56

Oh and even if she/I wanted contact, and I cannot stress how much that this is not the case, it's forbidden anyway!! For good reason.

I suggest you move on, find someone decent!

Marshatessa · 08/04/2022 22:06

Do a Claire’s Law on him. Basically find out if he had a history of being domestically violent to his partners. Anyone can do one on a new partner. Personally i would run for the hills now on this guy.

Original poster

Prender1 · 08/04/2022 22:12

Babycornfortea- it’s not so much angst more disappointment about somebody I might’ve liked otherwise but for this. As you can all see, I’m not or haven’t yet pursued anything.

This was merely a question from a woman worried about meeting new people and not knowing anything about them, important things too.

OP posts:

Moser85 · 08/04/2022 23:22

Unfortunately we generally don't know the worst things about people because they don't volunteer that information, that's why it's important to pay attention to red flags. If he's done something really bad he's not actually going to tell you is he? they never do!! They never admit to even vaguely bad behaviour or selfishness in regards to their kids. It's always "my kids are my life" while they don't see them or attempt to see them.

If he had told you a story about why he wasn't allowed to see the kids that sounded even vaguely plausible then would you have believed it? My guess is that you would.

He was very evasive but if instead he had told you she's a bitch but added in some made up details about things she's done and how she's a bitch...

then would you have believed him?? You probably would have if you wanted to, because many women do. They see the red flag and ignore it because they want to.

A friend of mine met someone recently who she really liked...she would normally be on the ball with red flags and wise to all of this but she started telling me all this stuff about how his ex was crazy and wouldn't let him see the kids etc.

I pointed out to her that we always saw that as a red flag for obvious reasons and she was actually stunned after the bubble was popped at how quick she had believed this story and at how quick she was to repeat his story of the crazy ex who didn't let him see the kids...simply because she liked him and wanted to believe him!!

There might be a rare occasion where a red flag wasn't actually as it seemed but for me it's not worth the risk of giving people the benefit of the doubt in cases like this!

Yellowshirt · 09/04/2022 00:05

I'm a dad. My daughter is 16. Our relationship is very hit and miss now. We were very close up until me and her mum split nearly four years a go.
Her mum basically uses her as a weapon now and we argue mainly about money.
I love her but I can't keep arguing as it is destroying me so i step back if she wants to argue which then results in her being in a mood.
I really can't win at the moment.
Hopefully she understands one day I went through absolute hell with her mother and I didn't deserve the treatment i received. Also she will realise how badly her mother treated us both

Moser85 · 09/04/2022 00:47

@Yellowshirt

i step back if she wants to argue

Most people don't want to argue. They want to discuss things, they want to sort things out, sometimes arguments have to happen as emotive things are discussed and they need to happen to move forward.

My dad always made out I loved to argue with him, the reality was he stonewalled me all the time. At the first sign of a difficult conversation he would make out I was always arguing and would stonewall me and barely speak to me.

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2022 01:12

If something big kicked off over Christmas and suddenly he doesn't have contact with the kids even though he is devoted to them, and she's a bitch, and he will not discuss it at all, and he won't start court proceedings to see them....I would say the police where called as he was abusive and threatening at the very least, possibly even physical. Huge red flag imo

clpsmum · 09/04/2022 01:25

@DowntonCrabby

Huge red flags. Run a mile OP, and be careful when you cut contact, this type don’t take polite rejection well at all.

THIS

Yellowshirt · 09/04/2022 01:46

@Moser85. I don't stonewall my daughter but I do understand where your coming from. I'll chat to her about anything. But some of it is very sensitive for both me and my her.

Stuff like my debts and my credit file which we recently fell out about and why her mother behaved so bad and aggressive towards me mainly due to alcohol always seem to come up.

I try with her but if I disagree she goes in a mood. It is really hard and I have been trying for 4 years and we take one step forward then two back.

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