Should I date this guy again?

[Katsun]

Briefly, I’ve been single for 2 years after ending my 8yr relationship. Been online dating for 6 months & it’s pretty crap tbh. Most of my friends are married etc & although I do go out I’ve not met anyone yet. I’m not avidly looking for long term but someone to enjoy life with & see where it goes.
Last weekend I met this guy for coffee as we’d been messaging a lot & get on well & there is attraction there. However on our walk along the beach he lit a spliff (checked if I minded, I was a bit taken aback tbh) He then became rather annoying after a pint or 2 in the pub later. I’m not judgemental in the slightest it’s his life but now he wants to take me to dinner & stay over as he lives 40 mins away. Part of me is keen to see him again but if he becomes full of himself after few drinks/smoke then I’m thinking I’m better of not going or could I ask him not to smoke & drink too? Is that fair, he says he understand it can be a dealbreaker.

I wouldn’t mind the spliff but would be less accommodating of becoming an arse after a drink.

Inviting himself to stay after one date would put me off.

In answer to your question no and he sounds like the latest in a long line of rubbish men. When someone shows you who they are, it pays to believe them.

Joint smoking and annoying behaviour after a drink aside, the fact he wants to pre plan to stay over on the second date (without being asked) is off putting in the extreme and is a big red flag.

I think this one should be a non starter and I would run a mile from that second date, the first sounds like a good indication it will be a disaster.

Unless you were horrendously desperate, I’d run a mile and then some

Honestly if he wanted to see you 40 mins would not mean he had to stay over. It’s only a second date and he is clearly hoping to get lucky.

The being an arse after drinking would be an issue for me massively.

I wouldn’t see him again personally

"I’m not judgemental in the slightest it’s his life but now he wants to take me to dinner & stay over as he lives 40 mins away".

More red flags a waving right there. Do not ignore these, there should certainly not be any more meetings.

I would go for dinner,but drive, so I could leave at any point. I think I'd rather do that than stay over (and I've been to bed with a couple of guys on first dates.) 40 minutes isn't that far to drive. It's also okay to say no to any of it, or to insist on somewhere closer to home.

But if he does get full of himself when he's drunk, are you going to insist he never drinks again?
It's all very well giving someone a second chance, but you also need to be realistic about how compatible you really are, and there are plenty of men on OLD where staying single is the better option. Even if he's one of the good ones (and it doesn't sound like you're convinced of that,) he might not be the right one for you.

He wants to stay over on a second date?

Does that work for you?

I am sensing that there a few incidents of boundary pushing and you being disappointed in his behaviour after drinking.

Trust your gut - if you are unsettled or confused or feel compromised pay very very close attention to that - it’s likely that you are not compatible.

I would suggest that this is his best behaviour on his first date……

He lives 40 minutes away and needs a sleepover? FFS on that one alone. Smoking a joint when he's just met you would worry me and becoming an arse after a drink would really alarm me.

I'd throw this one back, OP.

No.

I wouldn't, the smoking a joint wouldn't bother me on it's own, but getting annoying after a couple of drink plus pushing to stay over so son would put me right off

You know what the answer is.

Not sure what you mean by he was 'annoying' after a drink but surely that's enough to put you off?

And I thought I'd misread and you meant he lived 40 MILES away.

40 minutes is just over half an hour and he thinks that's an exucse to stay over?

Come on- get your rubbish-men radar polished.

FFS raise your bar!

How is this even a question? Raise your bar OP.

Oh...and he really doesn't want to 'take you to dinner'! He wants to 'take you to bed'...but I'm sure you know this 🤷‍♀️

Laughing at the 40 minutes being too far to drive after dinner...I drive more than that every day to get to work. Funnily enough, I've never asked my boss if I can have a sleepover 🤣🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Back in the pond with him.

The fact he couldn't wait until after the date for a spliff would be my dealbreaker
To me it says...I like you but I like my drug of choice better.

Lighting up a spliff on an early date
Becomes annoying after a couple of drinks
Presumptuous about staying over

Throw this one back OP.

He wants to stay over because it's 40 minutes away? For many people, that's less than their daily commute to work! He's pushing his look to get to stay over. That alone would put me off him.

Then there's the being an arse after a few drinks. I wouldn't put up with that ever again.

The splif would also give me the ick.

Entitled, presumptuous, lazy - red flags.

I don’t think you can tell a grown man not to drink or smoke but it would put me off and I wouldn’t see him again.

If he’s openly smoking a spliff on a first date, it’s obviously part of his lifestyle.

You can do better than this one op

No he sounds dreadful

Thank you all for your valid comments. It’s me that’s supposed to be driving 40 mins, which I could do & drive back. However I’ve taken all the points onboard (guess most of which I already knew). Flirty banter by msg is one thing but staying over after drinks, spliffs is another. The 2 together don’t seem to mix well, he became annoying by chatting shit towards the end. Smoking is part of his identity (his words) but it’s not really impressive or first date stuff. I have not met anyone online previously so I think these red flags are enough & you’re right I’m worth more 😊