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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I date this guy again?

70 replies

Katsun · 08/04/2022 13:47

Briefly, I’ve been single for 2 years after ending my 8yr relationship. Been online dating for 6 months & it’s pretty crap tbh. Most of my friends are married etc & although I do go out I’ve not met anyone yet. I’m not avidly looking for long term but someone to enjoy life with & see where it goes.
Last weekend I met this guy for coffee as we’d been messaging a lot & get on well & there is attraction there. However on our walk along the beach he lit a spliff (checked if I minded, I was a bit taken aback tbh) He then became rather annoying after a pint or 2 in the pub later. I’m not judgemental in the slightest it’s his life but now he wants to take me to dinner & stay over as he lives 40 mins away. Part of me is keen to see him again but if he becomes full of himself after few drinks/smoke then I’m thinking I’m better of not going or could I ask him not to smoke & drink too? Is that fair, he says he understand it can be a dealbreaker.

OP posts:

Georgeskitchen · 08/04/2022 22:32

Nip it in the bud now. If he's an arse after weed and booze it won't get any better

Walkingalot · 08/04/2022 23:14

Don't be that desperate that this is what you accept. I don't mean that nasty as I've been there. It's all too easy to just go along with something/one as nothing else is going on.

Kuachui · 08/04/2022 23:17

nope raise the standards.. no drugs, no being an arse when a drink has been had.

no staying over on the second date. its just not gentlemanly

RosettaPebble · 09/04/2022 03:58

I feel your pain. I wonder if we met the same guy?! Although sadly it’s remarkably common.

Met a guy for a first coffee after work this week. Went for a walk and really good chat. Out comes the joint. Along with a story about a time he had too much to drink . Kept talking about how he would drive over to mine most nights and go directly to work in the mornings, after spending the night at my house on our next (second) date, because apparently a relationship begins when you give yourselves to each other.

When I suggested that it was too soon for him to come to my house, he dumped me and told me to get in touch if I ever decided I want a relationship and was prepared to leave my past issues behind!

My charmer is 46 and currently back living with his mum!

Sad thing is, I had great hopes. He was a rare, interesting and articulate conversationalist for OLD. But alas just another old stoner trying his luck

RAOK · 09/04/2022 04:03

@AlternativelyWired

How is this even a question? Raise your bar OP.

Agree!

Cheekymaw · 09/04/2022 04:10

In the bin with him, Op

Moser85 · 09/04/2022 04:15

Who smokes weed on a first date? lol
Does he drive? If you dated him he'd be a nightmare as you would have to do all the driving if he smokes a lot of weed which clearly he must if he couldn't go on a short date without a joint!!

Becoming annoying after a drink is a huge no, you wouldn't want to go for drinks with him ever and would more than likely argue if you did.

Presumptuous about you staying over on the second date as a pp said....everything about him screams NO!

I'd nearly like you to go to see what he was like in a restaurant, no doubt he would give you more MN material but no OP you really can do better, first date should be where he tries to make a good impression and he didn't really try at all did he??

mycatisannoying · 09/04/2022 07:03

Don't do it.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 09/04/2022 07:14

Anyone I know who smokes weed on the daily after 30 is definitely not someone I would date. I know guys who smoke at festivals or special occasions and they are married with kids and ex smokers or used to be wild. I don't think I would have had a problem if it was a very occasional thing.

Lighting up on a first date is pretty immature and he is trying to either impress you with how edgy his is or he's so addicted that he can't not smoke.

I would not be bothering with him again

lemongreentea · 09/04/2022 07:17

He sounds like an druggie/alcoholic entitled loser.

If you are okay with ending up with someone like this then go for it.

SarahBellam · 09/04/2022 07:31

While smoking the odd spliff wouldn’t necessarily worry me too much in a social situation - with a few friends or whatever, needing to light up in the middle of a first date on a simple walk on the beach would raise alarm bells for me. If you need it that much when you’re supposed to be on your best behaviour and trying to impress someone imagine what it’s going to be like once he gets comfy.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/04/2022 16:17

For goodness sake NO

KosherDill · 09/04/2022 16:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

In answer to your question no and he sounds like the latest in a long line of rubbish men. When someone shows you who they are, it pays to believe them.

Agree.

Inviting himself and not bothering to stay sober as a first impression? No thanks.

Monr0e · 09/04/2022 17:57

He identifies as a stoner. He is telling you very clearly this is who he is and how important it is to him. So if you do decide to date him, do it with your eyes wide open. He will prioritise having a smoke whatever you are doing. And you will not be able to change him, he doesn't want to change. So if you're happy with that, crack on, otherwise, give this one a wide berth and raise your bar.

2Gen · 09/04/2022 18:14

@DFOD

He wants to stay over on a second date?

Does that work for you?

I am sensing that there a few incidents of boundary pushing and you being disappointed in his behaviour after drinking.

Trust your gut - if you are unsettled or confused or feel compromised pay very very close attention to that - it’s likely that you are not compatible.

I would suggest that this is his best behaviour on his first date……

This OP! I'm sad to say, he's not sounding good. Only you can decide what to do now but if I were you , which I know I'm not, I'd bin him off and move on because if he's already annoyed you on a first date and now he's invited himself to stay at your's, obviously looking to get his leg over- very cheeky IMO...ah, it doesn't sound like he's going to be someone who respects you, considers your feelings nor makes you happy. Your looking for a genuine long-term relationship but it sounds to me like he's just all about himself. Sorry!

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 09/04/2022 18:16

No, just NO !

Rosebuud · 09/04/2022 20:42

I’m sad the op hasn’t come back and I’m really hoping she’s not that woman, rhe desperate one, who will take it just to be with a bloke. Let’s see…

Original poster

Katsun · 09/04/2022 23:23

As I said in my post later yesterday afternoon. The red flags (of which I was already aware) were enough along with most of the kind comments to give me a sharp reality check.

I’m not desperate (thanks for this comment) or will take anything to be with a bloke. I simply would like to share my life with someone, the right someone. I have my own business, friends & a loving family. I’ve had a long 20 marriage another 8 year relationship.
This date sadly turned out to be with a weed smoker, my mistake for maybe not asking this question. He presented as a very intelligent man, has travelled the world with his job. But clearly smoking is a part of his lifestyle, how was I to know this. My reason for asking the question on here was to get opinions on a 2nd chance & a perspective from people with weed smoking partners/dates.

OP posts:

Rosebuud · 10/04/2022 10:06

That’s good op, I’ve not been on here long but honestly am saddened by the women who just put up with tossers, I’m glad you’re not another.

How did he get home after the first date, he did not drive did he?

Original poster

Katsun · 10/04/2022 14:07

The first date was in his home town which suited me so he walked. The second date was also going to be there, with him inviting me to stay if we had drinks at dinner, presumptuous! Ha no I’m not going to put with just anyone, I would say being on my own for a few years has been the best time to revaluate & concentrate on exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship, now it’s just finding it 😂 thanks for your reply

OP posts:

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