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Original poster

I feel jealous and annoyed but is it justified?

78 replies

MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 11:01

I'm hoping for a little advice about this situation with my boyfriend. Sorry its long but I want to give all the facts.
We have been together almost 2 years although we live separately and have no plans to move in together in the near future. I have kids from a previous relationship, he lives alone and we are both just happy with things as they stand. We see each other 2/3 times a week, either at his house or at mine if the kids are in bed.
He is originally from Spain but has lived in the UK for years now. Anyway, about a week ago he sent me a message saying that he was having a bad day as he had argued over the phone with his mother. I didn't think much of it until later on when he came over to my house. He was 2 hours later than planned and I asked what had kept him. He then tells me that he had been at the airport picking up a woman who had arrived that night from Spain to stay in his house.
She is apparently some sort of family friend or distant relation and this was what the argument with his mother had been about. Now I have never heard him mention this woman's name and he tried to tell me that it had been sprung on him out of the blue by his mother . After a bit more talking however he admitted that he had previously discussed with his mother having her to stay and helping her to get sorted in the UK. He wasn't sure how long she will be staying with him but said it was definitely temporary.
Over the past week though he has been shopping with her and bought a new bed, wardrobe, 3 mirrors ,curtains etc for his spare room and this is where I don't know if I am justified in how I am feeling. She has picked everything and he has paid for it all. He usually hates spending unnecessary money.
Also twice when I have called him in the evening they have been sitting down to dinner together and I can hear her in the background. Apparently she is an amazing cook and knows all his favourite dishes. She doesn't speak a word of English so they are conversing in Spanish which I cant speak and it just makes me feel really weird.
I'm aware that I sound jealous but am I justified? I feel like he didn't mention it because he knew I wouldn't be happy.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 12:56

Your feelings don't have to be justified. You don't have to be 'right'. A loving partner will do their best to reassure you, even if you're miles off the mark.

What would happen if you told him you were uncomfortable about his relationship with this woman? How do you think he'd respond?

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:00

I think he is probably already aware that I'm not happy just by my reaction. He is sort of trying to be extra nice but I just cant stop thinking that he didn't mention it to me before it happened for a reason.

OP posts:
Fairylightsongs · 08/04/2022 13:02

How old is he and her, do you think they are attracted to each other?

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:03

Thanks for your reply by the way. It doesn't help that she is young and beautiful either. I recognise that this is playing a massive role in my thinking. She is 10 years younger than me but just 4 younger than him

OP posts:
Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:03

I am 39, He is 33 and she is 29

OP posts:
Piglet80 · 08/04/2022 13:04

I think you need to clear up what their relationship is firstly

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:06

I have no idea if he is attracted to her but he definitely has mentionitis about her when we speak on the phone. I don't want to be a horrible person consumed with jealousy Sad

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 08/04/2022 13:11

@MissElizabethDarcy

I think he is probably already aware that I'm not happy just by my reaction. He is sort of trying to be extra nice but I just cant stop thinking that he didn't mention it to me before it happened for a reason.
Yes, but my question was 'What would happen if you told him?'

It's all very well you thinking that he thinks you think something. A relationship needs to be based on clear communication. What stops you talking to him about how you feel?

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:11

I just cant imagine a scenario where my mother basically dictated that I move a man in to my home. His house is really small with the only bathroom downstairs and I'm ashamed to admit this but last night I just hung the phone up on him when he asked me to hold on a second until he got her a towel as she was calling from the shower.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:13

You're right, I'm going to have to speak to him today about this because it is really annoying me.

OP posts:
crosshatching · 08/04/2022 13:18

If you were a guest in some guy's house, would you be calling out asking him to get you a towel while you're in the shower?!

I mean really, if this was as he says it is, there would be a plan in place for her to be paying rent, job hunting and getting on her own two feet surely? What's the plan?

OneFootintheRave · 08/04/2022 13:21

I've been living in Spain many years now and it does seem like friend/family support and ties are very strong, maybe stronger than in UK.

His family may feel like they owe her family some support for whatever reason and this could be part of it. Maybe money has been sent to him to help set her up? Does she have a job here, she may be looking to send money home as your average person in Spain is REALLY feeling the financial crunch right now.

You need to ask him what the whole history is and how he feels about her.

Good luck

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:26

That@ exactly what is bothering me crosshatching. There doesn't seem to be any plan in place with regards to a job or rent or learning to speak English.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 13:30

OneFootintheRave he has said almost exactly what you just did. That basically her family have been very good to his over the years and this is more or less expected of him now. I suppose I am just worried that even if there are no feelings/attraction there at the minute, being in such close quarters, eating together and living in a small space together may allow them to grow.

OP posts:
RedBeetroot12 · 08/04/2022 13:32

Absolutely you have reason to be jealous and annoyed. I would be. Why out a relationship at risk by having a younger and ‘attractive’ female living with your partner… this needs addressing for sure!

RedBeetroot12 · 08/04/2022 13:32

*why put

RedBeetroot12 · 08/04/2022 13:34

This would not be ok for me!! Be careful how you go about things with your partner, be sure to express your upset rather than any anger and I hope he will take your feelings into consideration

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/04/2022 13:34

Having several Spanish colleagues, family ties do seem to be a lot stronger and adult DC do a lot out of “duty” for their older relatives: one of my colleagues has the young adult grandson of an old friend of his mother’s who he barely knows staying with him for weeks every summer at her request and this appears just to be accepted as a normal thing.

If you feel jealous then you feel jealous, it’s not really a quantifiable emotion or one you can “unfeel.” But ultimately it seems very unlikely that you saying you’re jealous and don’t like it is going to result in his saying “oh gosh, I’ll ask [woman’s name] to move out tomorrow and to hell with the consequences” so perhaps best to think about whether this is the relationship for you.

Georgeskitchen · 08/04/2022 13:39

I would feel exactly the same. Maybe it is a Spanish tradition but I'm guessing you're not Spanish and he should respect your feelings. I imagine you wouldn't feel this way if his house guest was male!!!

Thoosa · 08/04/2022 13:41

I think it’s reasonable for you to ask about the plan.

What kind of visa does she have, for example? It’s strange that post-Brexit she is even able to turn up without a specific visa attached to a specific plan of action. Is she on a tourist visa, if she has no obvious plans? If so, how long for? And what’s the overall plan? Why the new furnishings if it’s a short stay? What kind of help is he able to offer her that the families are expecting? Is she hoping to get a job? What are the legalities?

Why was he arguing with his mum last minute of it was pre-planned? Was it matchmaking from the families? Why did he not tell you in advance? These are all good questions.

You’re allowed to point out that generally girlfriends are never going to be delighted if their boyfriends take in a beautiful young female house guest with no warning and no end date. Ask him to level with you.

Once you understand the purpose and time frame of her visit, you’ll know what you’re dealing with.

TiddleyWink · 08/04/2022 13:45

Yeah I wouldn’t be ok with this. Good for you for hanging up on him, no woman wants to hear that her boyfriend is just handing a towel to his naked house guest! I’d back right off from him. Don’t act jealous, just calmly tell him that you expect to feel respected in a relationship and that you’re not currently getting that from him. Make him realise you’re not desperate enough to hang around watching him get cosy with the single woman who he’s shacked up with and that you will back off if you’re not treated how you want to be. Ignore her - this is about whether he is giving you what you want and need. And he isn’t.

Northernsoullover · 08/04/2022 13:46

My SIL is Spanish. There have been at least 3 occasions where a distant relative has descended on my SIL and brother for an extended stay. They won't hear of me staying in a hotel if I visit (even though I'd prefer it) so I do think there is a cultural element. That said its relatives that stay.
I wouldn't be happy in your position and I don't think you are unjustified in your feelings.

ravenmum · 08/04/2022 13:47

It's not just about him being Spanish - when you're living abroad, you do feel a certain solidarity with other foreigners and feel more of an obligation to help them out. I'm in a town in Germany, and lots of the foreigners here who are able to are currently helping the many Ukrainian refugees that have arrived.

OTOH, even if this woman really is just a visitor, then this guy is being a fool if he thinks you're not going to suspect something.

Thoosa · 08/04/2022 13:52

The thing is no amount of cultural tradition explains why he didn’t pre-warn OP he was expecting a guest.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/04/2022 13:54

That's just how it is in Spain. It's not as if you are living with him, who he hosts in his own house is none of your business.

You will be forever the deranged girlfriend if you make a scene.

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