Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel jealous and annoyed but is it justified?

78 replies

MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 11:01

I'm hoping for a little advice about this situation with my boyfriend. Sorry its long but I want to give all the facts.
We have been together almost 2 years although we live separately and have no plans to move in together in the near future. I have kids from a previous relationship, he lives alone and we are both just happy with things as they stand. We see each other 2/3 times a week, either at his house or at mine if the kids are in bed.
He is originally from Spain but has lived in the UK for years now. Anyway, about a week ago he sent me a message saying that he was having a bad day as he had argued over the phone with his mother. I didn't think much of it until later on when he came over to my house. He was 2 hours later than planned and I asked what had kept him. He then tells me that he had been at the airport picking up a woman who had arrived that night from Spain to stay in his house.
She is apparently some sort of family friend or distant relation and this was what the argument with his mother had been about. Now I have never heard him mention this woman's name and he tried to tell me that it had been sprung on him out of the blue by his mother . After a bit more talking however he admitted that he had previously discussed with his mother having her to stay and helping her to get sorted in the UK. He wasn't sure how long she will be staying with him but said it was definitely temporary.
Over the past week though he has been shopping with her and bought a new bed, wardrobe, 3 mirrors ,curtains etc for his spare room and this is where I don't know if I am justified in how I am feeling. She has picked everything and he has paid for it all. He usually hates spending unnecessary money.
Also twice when I have called him in the evening they have been sitting down to dinner together and I can hear her in the background. Apparently she is an amazing cook and knows all his favourite dishes. She doesn't speak a word of English so they are conversing in Spanish which I cant speak and it just makes me feel really weird.
I'm aware that I sound jealous but am I justified? I feel like he didn't mention it because he knew I wouldn't be happy.

OP posts:
NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 08/04/2022 20:07

Two different things here I think. My SIL is Spanish and they HAVE to have family/friends to stay even though they live in a small cottage with kids- you would never say no to requests, even if inconvenient. Saying that, his first chat should be with you so at least you know the score/invited over

ImprobablePuffin · 08/04/2022 23:30

Have you had the chance to actually speak to him about it OP?

Bunty55 · 08/04/2022 23:59

Sorry OP it may not be what you want to hear but I would not be happy with this arrangement at all. What strikes me is that you are in a relationship with this man and there has been hardly any communication from him regarding this arrangement and by the sound of it, not much in the way of reassurance either.

MsDogLady · 09/04/2022 00:39

He tried to tell me that it had been sprung on him out of the blue by his mother. After a bit more talking he admitted he had discussed with his mother having her to stay and helping her to get sorted in the UK.

Elizabeth, I would feel very uncomfortable with this situation. Your Partner approached you re this woman’s presence with dishonesty and lack of transparency, and it sounds like you are still being marginalized and your boundaries disrespected.

This has been planned for a good while, yet you were not informed. It feels like they may have previously messaged/video called to get to know one another. He certainly should have already introduced you as his Partner, regardless of the language difference. Instead he is creating distance with his gushing mentionitis and by sidelining you, while they bond over cozy dinners, shopping adventures, and shared culture/language/connections, etc. It sounds coupley, and you are nowhere in sight. In my view, her ‘forgetting’ to bring a towel to the shower and summoning him to supply one smacks of tantalization.

Elizabeth, he knows you’re unsettled. Has he made any efforts today to reassure you? if you plan on staying, there needs to be a serious discussion regarding your valid feelings, as well as the importance of honesty and keeping strong boundaries in the face of flattery, ego validation, and temptation. Furthermore, P needs to be forthcoming about this woman’s plans.

Has he made definite plans to introduce you and to spend quality time with you?

Personally, I would move on because lying and deception in a relationship is a dealbreaker for me.

Daveyboyuk · 09/04/2022 01:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2022 01:29

I can't believe she wouldn't have the common sense to take a towel into the bathroom... that would really annoy me.

You mentioned your ages and you already have kids. Does he see the relationship as serious as you do ? Does he not want kids?

gannett · 09/04/2022 08:21

@RedBeetroot12

I did houseshares in the past… lo and behold, my boyfriend at that time did indeed end up together with the other housemate. It’s just not worth putting your relationship at risk by having a younger woman flaunting herself around your partner. They say men like the chase, is that true, I don’t know? OP I think you’ve behaved with so much dignity from what you've said.
I lived in several houseshares in my 20s with countless housemates, as have most people I know. Sure there was the occasional messy drama but the vast majority managed to navigated mixed-sex houseshares and relationships without cheating. The "lo and behold" in your situation has nothing to do with men and women living together but your ex-bf having no morals or self-control.

"Flaunting" is a horrible word to use about other women who are probably just going about their normal lives. In houseshares I went round the house in dressing gowns, skimpy house tops and shorts, sunbathed in the garden in the summer, even forgot my towel in the shower once or twice. That's not "flaunting", that's just what people do in their own homes. Doubt you'd say any of my male housemates wandering around shirtless were "flaunting" themselves.

Loopytiles · 09/04/2022 08:31

Your BF subsidising and living with an attractive woman, not a relative: immediate ‘deal breaker’ IMO!

Loopytiles · 09/04/2022 08:31

It’s not a ‘house share’ if the guest isn’t paying rent and for her own stuff.

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 09/04/2022 11:15

Thanks for the replies and advice everyone. I ended things with him last night. I feel upset and emotional today but I had no other choice really as no matter what happened or what he did I wasn't going to be happy. She is here now and as I said I wouldn't have wanted her threw out on the streets but the fact remains that he didn't discuss it with me because he knew I would not be happy. I think that is lying by omission. This had to have been arranged at least a few weeks if not months in advance and all that time...nada!
Also the day he picked her up we were texting back and forth and he obviously knew he was going to pick someone up at the airport. It all feels very deceitful.
Perhaps nothing will come of it but I'm not willing to sit around waiting and wondering. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I don't think anyone wants to admit to themselves that they are jealous as it is such an ugly emotion.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2022 11:23

The way he has treated you is what's ugly.

I think you show real insight into yourself and who you dont want to be. You recognise that being around him wasn't making you the best version of yourself. And so you chose you.

Tbf your jealousy was a natural reaction to his behaviour. The real failing was his total ignorance and disregard for your feelings. You have shown yourself to be of a higher calibre. With self respect, compassion and introspection.

Adulting level 100 :)

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/04/2022 11:30

I think you have done the right thing. Tbh I wouldn't like this at all.

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 09/04/2022 11:50

Thank you for the replies. I know its the right thing to do. I will carry on with my Spanish learning as its enjoyable and useful. There was no massive argument when I told him, he basically said that my reaction was totally over the top and excessive.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 09/04/2022 14:00

So he has tried to invalid how you feel....that's nice of him.

RedBeetroot12 · 09/04/2022 14:25

@gannett What you’ve said just contradicts yourself, made me snort out loud!!

RedBeetroot12 · 09/04/2022 14:27

And absolutely I would say a man walking around topless would be flaunting. I doubt someone self conscious would be walking around topless or wearing skimpy outfits. You need to Google the definition of flaunting.

1forAll74 · 09/04/2022 14:40

You need to get the situation all sorted with some calm talking, before you blow a massive fuse. It's not good to get all stressed up, before you know all the details.

crosshatching · 09/04/2022 15:29

Sorry you're hurting OP, but you sound great, you have many happy times ahead to look forward to.

lemongreentea · 09/04/2022 15:52

Why doesnt she move in with his mum?

PlainJaneEyre · 09/04/2022 15:58

You never know what will happen. I had a similar experience with an ex bf and when I said I was going to leave him to it and to get in touch when he was free she was out of there on the next plane. This was a holiday for her though and between two British people so it might be more difficult for him.

lemongreentea · 09/04/2022 17:24

...he basically said that my reaction was totally over the top and excessive.

Sorry OP. He's not told you the truth for months and now he's gaslighting you. You deserve way more than this. Hope you are okay Flowers

Original poster
MissElizabethDarcy · 09/04/2022 23:14

Thank you everyone for the lovely messages. I feel sad tonight sitting on my own now that the kids are all asleep. I won’t go back on my decision though. I thought about it really carefully as I didn’t want to end things but be secretly hoping that it would force his hand in some way. I hate those sort of mind games.
I need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied until this passes.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 10/04/2022 01:38

I am sorry for your sadness, Elizabeth. You know your worth and have made the right decision. Your Ex was deceptive and disrespectful.

He called your ending things ‘excessive,’ but did he acknowledge that his actions damaged the relationship or show any remorse?

aurynne · 10/04/2022 04:04

Is there any reason you couldn't have offered your house for him to stay in while this woman was in his? Personally (and I'm Spanish) this would have been the ideal solution.

Valeriekat · 10/04/2022 06:36

@MissElizabethDarcy

I just cant imagine a scenario where my mother basically dictated that I move a man in to my home. His house is really small with the only bathroom downstairs and I'm ashamed to admit this but last night I just hung the phone up on him when he asked me to hold on a second until he got her a towel as she was calling from the shower.
Don't worry, you did the right thing. That is insane and manipulative. LTB