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Original poster

I feel jealous and annoyed but is it justified?

78 replies

MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 11:01

I'm hoping for a little advice about this situation with my boyfriend. Sorry its long but I want to give all the facts.
We have been together almost 2 years although we live separately and have no plans to move in together in the near future. I have kids from a previous relationship, he lives alone and we are both just happy with things as they stand. We see each other 2/3 times a week, either at his house or at mine if the kids are in bed.
He is originally from Spain but has lived in the UK for years now. Anyway, about a week ago he sent me a message saying that he was having a bad day as he had argued over the phone with his mother. I didn't think much of it until later on when he came over to my house. He was 2 hours later than planned and I asked what had kept him. He then tells me that he had been at the airport picking up a woman who had arrived that night from Spain to stay in his house.
She is apparently some sort of family friend or distant relation and this was what the argument with his mother had been about. Now I have never heard him mention this woman's name and he tried to tell me that it had been sprung on him out of the blue by his mother . After a bit more talking however he admitted that he had previously discussed with his mother having her to stay and helping her to get sorted in the UK. He wasn't sure how long she will be staying with him but said it was definitely temporary.
Over the past week though he has been shopping with her and bought a new bed, wardrobe, 3 mirrors ,curtains etc for his spare room and this is where I don't know if I am justified in how I am feeling. She has picked everything and he has paid for it all. He usually hates spending unnecessary money.
Also twice when I have called him in the evening they have been sitting down to dinner together and I can hear her in the background. Apparently she is an amazing cook and knows all his favourite dishes. She doesn't speak a word of English so they are conversing in Spanish which I cant speak and it just makes me feel really weird.
I'm aware that I sound jealous but am I justified? I feel like he didn't mention it because he knew I wouldn't be happy.

OP posts:

angrygoat2 · 08/04/2022 13:54

I'm not Spanish, but from a country with a similar attitude towards familial ties and family friends, so I could definitely see this situation arising in a completely innocent way. I can also easily imagine that her family said something along the lines of "why don't you repay him by helping to redecorate the house." He and his mother probably refuse to accept cash (as taking in family friends is something you're "expected" to do) so she needs to find another way to say thank you.

All that said, I think he hasn't handled it well at all - he should've told you much earlier, and he should be involving you in their activities more. So although I don't necessarily think there's something sinister going on, I can 100% understand why you're not happy.

CatherinedeBourgh · 08/04/2022 13:54

@Thoosa

The thing is no amount of cultural tradition explains why he didn’t pre-warn OP he was expecting a guest.

The OP's attitude explains that.

MiniTheMinx · 08/04/2022 13:57

I would bow out now without any drama. You have no plans in the near future to live together, you already have children and at 39 do you want more children? Does he have children? She doesn't appear to have any. So maybe it's more likely than not they are then at a similar point in life........even if you talk to him what sort of reassurance can he give? what would you want him to do?

Thoosa · 08/04/2022 14:04

The OP's attitude explains that.

That’s a Möbius strip of an argument, though.

Who is to say how she would feel now if she’d been told in advance with all the explanatory information?

Mumofboys109 · 08/04/2022 14:05

I’d leave him personally. He made his bed and should be more sensitive

venusandmars · 08/04/2022 14:05

I wonder whether his dm thinks that a 29 year old Spanish woman is a better 'match' for him that 39 yo British woman (who isn't likely to furnish her with grandchildren). His dm might hope he would even return to Spain...

Babyg1995 · 08/04/2022 14:17

My husband is Spanish before he met me he had a female friend from Spain to stay with him while she got settled in the UK it's definitely not unusual I don't know how I would feel about him buying everything mind you .

venusandmars · 08/04/2022 14:18

I can well see the situation arising innocently, but two people spending time together, with the opportunity to become close and intimate, and with a pre-existing bond (language / culture / food / family ties)... well it's only going to go to one inevitable conclusion.

@MissElizabethDarcy can you talk to your dp about the risks here? Can you be honest about your own concerns?

My only comparative experience was when dp was involved in a big (work-related) event lasting several weeks. It required the whole team, who were already tightly bonded and very 'teamy', staying together away from home, for several weeks. dp had 'mentionitis' about X and I felt jealous and a bit excluded. I was able to frame my concerns in the shape of him (as team leader) being careful about inappropriate relationship forming between his team members, and then tacked on my own concerns about X as an example (almost in jest). For me that put my concerns clearly on the table, without me feeling pathetic or needy. I also hoped it put in his mind something of a warning, or a cautionary note.

Original poster

MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 14:32

Unfortunately ComtesseDeSpair I think you are right. I wouldnt expect him to throw her out on the streets and I certainly do not want to be the deranged girlfriend either.
Actually CatherinedeBourgh I'm not sure what my reaction would have been if this had been discussed beforehand or if I had even heard of the woman once in the past two years. I'm not generally a jealous person which is why this is so uncomfortable.
It also wouldn't surprise me if his DM had orchestrated this deliberately as you say venusandmars I'm sure a single 40 year old mother of 4 was not was she envisioned for her only son
MiniTheMinx That is where my thoughts are at the minute. I have 4 kids and will be 40 this year so definitely no more kids for me.

OP posts:

2Gen · 08/04/2022 14:40

@Thoosa

I think it’s reasonable for you to ask about the plan.

What kind of visa does she have, for example? It’s strange that post-Brexit she is even able to turn up without a specific visa attached to a specific plan of action. Is she on a tourist visa, if she has no obvious plans? If so, how long for? And what’s the overall plan? Why the new furnishings if it’s a short stay? What kind of help is he able to offer her that the families are expecting? Is she hoping to get a job? What are the legalities?

Why was he arguing with his mum last minute of it was pre-planned? Was it matchmaking from the families? Why did he not tell you in advance? These are all good questions.

You’re allowed to point out that generally girlfriends are never going to be delighted if their boyfriends take in a beautiful young female house guest with no warning and no end date. Ask him to level with you.

Once you understand the purpose and time frame of her visit, you’ll know what you’re dealing with.

This! I wouldn't be at all happy about this either OP. I'd also be telling him I wasn't and asking him how he'd feel if I suddenly took a younger, good looking male relative into my house and was putting him on hold to bring the Adonis a towel when he was naked in my bathroom! Once you have his response to your perfectly justified misgivings, you'll know where you stand. I'm sorry OP!

Bookworm20 · 08/04/2022 14:43

Your feelings are completely warranted. Culture or not, he should have let you know this before heading off to the airport to pick her up.
He just casually turned up 2 hours late.

Whether he fancies her or not is a complete aside fromt he fact you've been together 2 years and he didn't think to mention it. Even if it was sprung on him, he could have called you and told you what had just happened - not just that he'd had a row with his mother.

And as for the buying her furniture. Sounds a little more permanent than a few weeks.

Not sure how best to handle it except tell him straight how you feel. You won't be the jealous GF. I can't imagine anyone int he same scenario being all cool about it. Especially given the lack of information thats been forthcoming from him about her.

Have you been to his house since as normal? And are you having to now hang out with the both of them? Also, she does know you're his GF right? And not just a friend who pops in every few days to say hi?

LINABE · 08/04/2022 14:46

@venusandmars

Definately.

RantyAunty · 08/04/2022 14:57

I guess it depends on what your relationship with your bf is.
Is sounds pretty casual to me.
He's never mentioned her and doesn't seem to include you.
Have you met any of his family at all?

nearlyspringyay · 08/04/2022 15:17

I'd be checking out tbh, no matter what the woman's intentions are. It's odd. If you move move in together at some point do you want to be hosting randoms on no notice?

gannett · 08/04/2022 15:17

God, MN really hates the idea of young, attractive women being around "their" men. The crazy ideas always come out in full force.

Why out a relationship at risk by having a younger and ‘attractive’ female living with your partner… this needs addressing for sure!

two people spending time together, with the opportunity to become close and intimate, and with a pre-existing bond (language / culture / food / family ties)... well it's only going to go to one inevitable conclusion.

It's like the concept of houseshares is totally alien to you. Attractive young women live with attractive young men up and down the country and manage not to shag. I've had countless male housemates and never shagged any of them. One of my best friends (male) has lived with a female housemate for five years, both of them decently attractive, neither of their partners have expressed any issue with this to either of them.

I assume the boyfriend's argument with his mother was precisely because this family friend has been sprung on him with no firm plan or timeline, but it's still culturally expected of him. You could always ask him this directly, crazy idea I know.

Personally if she's an amazing cook I'd be inviting myself over several times a week to sample that delicious food (and maybe as a bonus try to get to know her despite the language barrier).

dottydodah · 08/04/2022 15:31

I think this is somewhat "off " TBH! A younger woman who speaks his lingo? Coming to stay.I think few people would be happy about this

gannett · 08/04/2022 15:39

Oh, and if I was in a relationship with someone who wasn't English, I'd be making every effort to learn the basics of their language. Firstly out of respect for/interest in them. Secondly because if it doesn't work out I may as well take advantage of the opportunity to have free practice and learn something new.

Crikeyalmighty · 08/04/2022 15:48

God forbid-- but you may have found the elusive brexit bonus as unless she has a job that is authorised and also pays over a certain amount and has a work permit through she cant stay more than 90 days in any 180 day period so would have to bugger off after 3 months. i wouldn't like this at all op-- is he still coming round to yours?

Crikeyalmighty · 08/04/2022 15:49

and also--are you welcome over there still?

Pinkbonbon · 08/04/2022 15:58

If he was a decent man then he epuld have introduced you to her ASAP as hus girlfriend.

He also wouldn't have said OK to some random woman staying in his house though tbf. I mean, name if he had an annex or a guest house or something...

Are you sure this isn't actually his wife?

Nothing explains him not introducing you to her and making it clear you are together.

Just go over there and introduce yourself. It'll be pretty clear what's what then.

Eastie77Returns · 08/04/2022 15:59

I was in relationship with a Spanish man and found myself in a situation similar to yours OP. The difference is there was no spare room as he had a studio so they slept in the same space! The woman was my age, an old school friend, but quite stunning. He was dumbfounded when I expressed concerns. I think culturally this kind of set up really isn’t unusual in Spain, Italy, Greece etc. My ex also kept in touch with his former girlfriends. I got used to it in the end as ultimately I trusted him and realised he considered it completely normal.

After we broke up we kept in touch and his parents invited me to stay with them whenever I visited Spain. He found a new girlfriend at some point but the invite remained open so I went to stay with them for a week. My friends found that very weird but by then it all seemed very normal to me too.

Original poster

MissElizabethDarcy · 08/04/2022 16:14

To answer a few questions…We are definitely not just casual. We live apart for practical reasons. I have not met any of his family as he has only been home once in the past 2 years due to Coronavirus. I have however heard their names and know bits and pieces about their lives.
I am actually learning Spanish at the minute as I agree it’s a natural thing to do when your partner speaks a different language.
I haven’t been over to his house since she came. He has shown me some pictures and I can hear her speaking in the background when I’m on the phone. His house is really small and I just feel like it will be so awkward especially given the language barrier.
I fully admit that it is my own insecurities, jealousy, paranoia at play here. I know that men and women can be house mates and also attractive. I still can’t help the way I feel about it though

OP posts:

Crikeyalmighty · 08/04/2022 16:18

I would feel exactly the same OP. Please don’t think it’s just you.

RedBeetroot12 · 08/04/2022 19:51

With all due respect @gannett, I am talking from experience. I now have respectful boundaries and limitations within my most successful long term relationship and this man’s behaviour absolutely crosses them. It’s not a case of thinking men will ‘shag’ any attractive woman they live with, but more so that they will develop intimate feelings based on an emotional connection and the companionship of living together. Obviously this would be fuelled by the woman being more attractive and younger. I think you are being extremely naive to dismiss this situation as purely innocent

RedBeetroot12 · 08/04/2022 19:57

I did houseshares in the past… lo and behold, my boyfriend at that time did indeed end up together with the other housemate. It’s just not worth putting your relationship at risk by having a younger woman flaunting herself around your partner. They say men like the chase, is that true, I don’t know? OP I think you’ve behaved with so much dignity from what you've said.

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