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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How the hell do you deal with the searing pain of an affair

61 replies

ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 03:18

Day 5 and it is killing me !

I can't stand the pain , it's just awful

I'm so frustrated that I can't escape this pain

OP posts:
maras2 · 08/04/2022 03:42

I couldn't for one moment imagine how this must feel but the way you write, your pain is just so tangible. Sad.
No words of advice, I wouldn't know where to begin, but well done for staying sober. You must be getting your strength from somewhere, God knows where after all the shit that's been thrown at you and now your son too.
That man, so called DH, I have nothing but contempt for but I'll not dwell on that as you're hurting enough.
Please accept Flowers Brew and Cake from me.
God bless. Mx.

Hawkins001 · 08/04/2022 03:50

How did it all happen and unfold ?

maras2 · 08/04/2022 03:53

hawkins001
See, 'Husband and woman from work' on this site.

Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 03:54

I've thrown things im so mad

And I have barely eaten or slept for days

Im just crying huge painful sobs - it feels irrationally painful , like why can't I just cope

OP posts:
Original poster
ettiespaghetti · 08/04/2022 03:55

I need to stop digging for details but feel like I need to know the whole truth

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 08/04/2022 04:08

Oh Ettie, we can hear your pain.

We can hold your pain for a while while you try to rest and sleep, you need to focus your mind on something else just for a little while.

Put some TV on, get the quilt and wrap yourself up, you are doing so well not drinking, I'm in awe of you.
Could you call the GP tommorow and maybe get something to help with the grief.

You must eat too, anything, it can help cope with the stress your body is under.

Flowers
BrincatBrincat · 08/04/2022 04:25

Sorry but it won't get much better. If you stay you have to stop bringing it up and let them get away with it. But it won't get much better than how you feel now you just learn to live with it but it will make you angry every time you think of it.
There's literally THOUSANDS of threads saying the same. Have a read of them...
Same mix of people, those who have never been there telling you it will go away, those who have been there but are in denial telling you it gets better like nothing happened, and then those who tell you the truth about how the pain never really leaves and often follows you into future relationships. Only you can decide which future you deserve.

NoJudgement0322 · 08/04/2022 05:21

I am going through the same and before I realised the full scale of what was going on I had convinced him and me to start couples counselling. That is now ending but it really helped talking to a counsellor when I was in the throws of what you are currently in. Discovering an affair starts the grief process and it's hard. I have found some solace in the book Not "just friends" there are sections about staying together but also going solo. If you are still loving together then consider whether some space and time will benefit you. Its unbearable pain but it will get better as you move through the emotions Flowers

starrynight21 · 08/04/2022 05:45

@BrincatBrincat

Sorry but it won't get much better. If you stay you have to stop bringing it up and let them get away with it. But it won't get much better than how you feel now you just learn to live with it but it will make you angry every time you think of it. There's literally THOUSANDS of threads saying the same. Have a read of them... Same mix of people, those who have never been there telling you it will go away, those who have been there but are in denial telling you it gets better like nothing happened, and then those who tell you the truth about how the pain never really leaves and often follows you into future relationships. Only you can decide which future you deserve.
This, totally. It happened to me 18 years ago and I still feel anger when I think of it ( like now). I left him, healed myself, met and married DH. But I still feel that hot anger sometimes.
DeoForty · 08/04/2022 06:02

I just want to say that you don't have to make decisions about the future of your marriage right now. The intensity of how you're feeling will ease.

Buildingthefuture · 08/04/2022 06:38

Please don’t listen to all the doom mongers on here, saying you will never get over it. It’s true that you may not get over it, some people don’t, but some people do. 5 days is such a short space of time to try and deal with the massive bomb that has gone off in your life. I’ve seen couples split over an affair and end up happier (well, her at least, the husbands have all ended up sad and alone!) and I’ve seen couples work together and get through it and come out stronger. My first H was a violent, abusive arsehole. Probably had affairs too, but I was too scared to ever ask what he was doing or where he was going. It was a horrendous time and I thought I’d never get over it, but I’m remarried now and very happy. I hardly ever even think about my first H and if I do, I don’t feel bitter or angry, because, what would be the point? It’s his loss, not mine! You will get there, but be kind to yourself and take all the time you need xxx

secretsqizzle · 08/04/2022 07:02

@Buildingthefuture

Please don’t listen to all the doom mongers on here, saying you will never get over it. It’s true that you may not get over it, some people don’t, but some people do. 5 days is such a short space of time to try and deal with the massive bomb that has gone off in your life. I’ve seen couples split over an affair and end up happier (well, her at least, the husbands have all ended up sad and alone!) and I’ve seen couples work together and get through it and come out stronger. My first H was a violent, abusive arsehole. Probably had affairs too, but I was too scared to ever ask what he was doing or where he was going. It was a horrendous time and I thought I’d never get over it, but I’m remarried now and very happy. I hardly ever even think about my first H and if I do, I don’t feel bitter or angry, because, what would be the point? It’s his loss, not mine! You will get there, but be kind to yourself and take all the time you need xxx
Absolutely this. ^ Your pain , your relationship, your life - is unique. A bunch of MN 'sayings' such as 'once a cheat always a cheat' . are just that. - sayings .

The decision to stay is as valid as the decision to leave. Neither of which should be made whilst under extreme stress such as now..

For now you need to eat a little. Stay hydrated. Maybe see the GP for something to help with sleep in the very short term as lack of sleep makes decision making even more stressful. X

prettygreenteacup · 08/04/2022 07:16

You're in shock and grieving. I remember the early days all too well, feeling like my head was absolutely swimming with so many huge emotions that I could not navigate. Feel everything you need to and give it time. There is no need to make choices about the future whilst you're in shock. For now you just need to feel. Can you get some space away from him? Read up around betrayal trauma, it will help you begin to understand the process you're just starting to go through. I found when I could understand myself and my feelings, it helped me be more rational. Sadly you're not on your own with this. But one thing I will say, is whatever the end result of this, you will survive it and come out stronger.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/04/2022 07:21

Hey I saw your other thread op

As hurtful as the sex is to you ego , it reads to me like
Her husband has cancer and she wanted an escape
He’s been through what you have all been though and wanted an escape
She was available and he got a hard on and wasn’t strong enough to say ‘no’

I’m not in any way minimising this . Or your pain

just trying to think logically how this might have happened . As the more you think logically and less emotionally - the easier it will be to make decisions

And right now you need to survive , decisions will
Come

Sexuality for women is very different , and frankly you may never feel sensual with your husband again after this . You might with someone else . I know you can’t even imagine this . But it’s true !
Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to be sexual after long covid .

And he’s the loser here
And so is she as now not only has she got a husband with cancer , she might also have to bear the guilt of this

Look after yourself please and keep the faith

oliviastwisted · 08/04/2022 07:34

OP you are obviously grieving and it is awful. That betrayal pain is so deadening, can you once in a while allow yourself to feel some anger while you go through the worst of it, it will take the sting out of the pain for a short while. We are so conditioned especially as women to suppress anger but anger is a protective, energising and actioning emotion. I am not saying act out in rage, absolutely don’t do that but do allow anger to pass through you, it helps.

It will help you pass through this phase of grief but it will also to take the actions you need to take. This will pass, you won’t feel this way forever.

GandTfortea · 08/04/2022 07:59

Mine had an affair,I can’t remember when exactly,was approx 15 years ago.
Faults on both sides ,we stopped talking ,another woman filled the gap I left by not being close to him.
It’s painful at first ,but we worked through it ,got married and had another baby together.
I’d been raised in two step families,had step mother and step father ,was desperately unhappy as a child ,being shunted from piller to post by them..
Didn’t want the same for my kids
Maybe if I’d had a happier childhood myself,I’d of took a risk of raising my kids myself,and not took him back.
But we can’t help who we are ,and how our life molds us .
She was a lot thinner than me ,so that took a lot of getting over for my part ..
Sometimes I do wonder if I did the right thing ,probably about 10% of me wishes I’d had the courage to go it alone..but my kids have disabilities and need a parent at home permanently,( complicated education situations)..I couldn’t work and earn money ,as I would of needed to be home with kids .
So I suppose I had no choice but to move past it ,and get on with life

bumblingbovine49 · 08/04/2022 08:22

@BrincatBrincat

Sorry but it won't get much better. If you stay you have to stop bringing it up and let them get away with it. But it won't get much better than how you feel now you just learn to live with it but it will make you angry every time you think of it. There's literally THOUSANDS of threads saying the same. Have a read of them... Same mix of people, those who have never been there telling you it will go away, those who have been there but are in denial telling you it gets better like nothing happened, and then those who tell you the truth about how the pain never really leaves and often follows you into future relationships. Only you can decide which future you deserve.
I would say it does get better but only about 30 years later and I didn't have any children with him so I had no need to contact him ever again. I have so much sympathy op. I often see on here exhortations to get on with your life and leave and not look back if your husband has an affair . I am 57 and have been married for nearly for 20 years now but it was only a few years ago that I stopped being angry when I thought about my ex. I was 28 when he had an affair and left and I wasn't ready to marry again for almost 10 years . I am very happy now with DH but I still remember the pain of the betrayal of my first husband. I've had a number of deaths in my family over the years including a beloved sister , my parents and a miscarriage. None of them had the visceral pain involved that my first marriage breakdown did because they did not involve a betrayal or someone else choosing to hurt me. I was incredibly sad about all of those occasions but not Angy

I still remember that awful mix of rage and hurt. I have felt nothing like it since . I am not saying I couldn't feel it again but in my life, it has been the thing that was the most emotionally painful and where the unresolved pain lasted the longest. It is fine now though and I still had a good life after it happened, a better life than with my ex. It didn't stop the anger and hurt though, it just got smaller and easier to ignore over the years .

Didimum · 08/04/2022 09:00

Your reaction and pain is 100% normal. Go over to the website Surviving Infidelity, sign up to their forums. They will take care of you.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/04/2022 09:01

For me it was leaving. I posted on your other thread that you have to do what is right for you but I knew that I would never 'get over' the feelings you are feeling now and could never respect or trust my ex husband again. That isn't a marriage to me so I ended it and we are divorcing.

We have stayed amicable (with a lot of work from me) for our kids and two homes doesn't have to be the horror story some people make it out to be or have experienced. Our kids know exactly where they are when and see me and their dad talking and working together as parents. It hasn't been easy but none of this is their fault so it's just what you do.

Good luck, whatever you decide but the pain of leaving does get easier...I can't comment on the pain of staying.

Didimum · 08/04/2022 09:03

Don’t listen to people saying you won’t get over his. People who haven’t dealt with their pain appropriately are the ones who can’t heal and move on.

DragonMovie · 08/04/2022 09:31

My exH had an affair. The pain was exactly as you describe. I chose to leave, and anger was my friend at the time because I found it less painful and more productive in moving on than that awful feeling of physical pain - I remember feeling real aching pain in my chest and arms. I also became laser focussed on having a happy and successful life as my revenge. We didn’t have kids together which I guess would make it a lot easier.

Now when I look back I feel absolutely nothing - it’s just a juicy anecdote that I sometimes tell people but I feel no pain at all and hardly think of him ever. I did not expect I’d heal to this extent 8 years ago but it was always my goal.

Pepitos · 08/04/2022 12:27

People who haven’t dealt with their pain appropriately are the ones who can’t heal and move on.

Well that's a little offensive to those who handled it differently to how you think they should have. Sounds like a line from someone who hasn't experienced it (a few of those posts on this thread actually).

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/04/2022 13:42

Pepitos
Agree 100%

Onthedunes · 08/04/2022 13:52

How are you today Ellie ?

Did you manage any sleep or manage to eat ?
Don't worry about any decisions at the moment just take it day by day, minute by minute if you have to.

Your body is currently under huge pressure and stress, get as much help as you can and try to put stuff on hold as much as possible.

You will get through this first stage shock.
Sending hugs.
x

ErickBroch · 08/04/2022 13:55

Are you the poster whose husband met her 3 weeks ago at work? Either way, I am so sorry OP Flowers you will get through it but I am sorry it's so hard now .