How the hell do you deal with the searing pain of an affair

[ettiespaghetti]

Day 5 and it is killing me !

I can't stand the pain , it's just awful

I'm so frustrated that I can't escape this pain

A friend of mine said that her biggest problem in dealing with the days immediately afterwards, was the lack of sleep. She had a wonderful GP, who took time to listen and prescribed her sleeping tablets. Getting more rest, helped her to cope better during her waking hours.
Time passed and helped her to come out of the other side. I liken it to an illness. You have to go through the process, knowing that eventually you will come out of the other side, but not without a load of pain and suffering first. I’m so sorry and wish you a better life in the near future.

5 days it’s so raw and shocking. Mine left for OW and now has a baby on the way. I never thought it would be possible but nearly 2 years on I feel so much better and have many more happy days than note. That whole period of my life fills me with sadness but trying very hard not to let it define my future. Honestly best advice just be really kind to yourself. you feel how you feel. I read lots of self help books and spent time with people that I’m really important too. Sending love and strength I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. It’s changed me as a person but lots of things for the better x

OP a similar thing happened to me but the OW was a close personal friend. I was a few years sober too. Hold on tight to your sobriety my love. It's your achievement and only women in our position know how hard-won it is; don't let the feckless arsehole take that from you. Go to meetings if you can. You can do this, DM me if you like.

@billydilly

OP a similar thing happened to me but the OW was a close personal friend. I was a few years sober too. Hold on tight to your sobriety my love. It's your achievement and only women in our position know how hard-won it is; don't let the feckless arsehole take that from you. Go to meetings if you can. You can do this, DM me if you like.

Hi, how do I DM you? X

@ettiespaghetti where billydilly's last message is, on the blue bar click on message poster.

I need to hear that it will get better that I’ll stop being tortured by the images at some point and there might be some hope that I can move forward x

Still sober 💪 but really considering a sleeping tablet tonight

@Didimum

Don’t listen to people saying you won’t get over his. People who haven’t dealt with their pain appropriately are the ones who can’t heal and move on.

Who are you to say what way of dealing with things is "appropriate" or not?

For some it will be ending the relationship right away.

For some it will be trying to stay together then deciding it's not possible.

For some it will be staying together and that working out.

Your comment is really shitty and victim blaming.

Two words, revenge body

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday

Two words, revenge body

Ugh. Women losing weight either due to the stress of being cheated on or in order to try to 'beat' the OW / persuade their DH to stay with them surely isn't something to be encouraged or celebrating? It implies women's inherent value lies in their body.

Time. Time. Time. It's tough. For me, it felt like a bereavement, not a separation but like something had died, like my life & relationship was a lie, that I did not come out intact. Be gentle to yourself. Don't minimise your feelings, it is a raw time. Surround yourself with any support you have. Get yourself some good mantras and try to live by them. Be active, do exercise, do active things like baking bread or swimming or anything you can. But time is the main thing....and it will come, it's one thing you cannot stop! You will get through it

And it does get better!!!!!!!!!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

No one said anything about losing weight? Healthy body, healthy mind. Try it

You are going through a grieving process. Needing to know the details is akin to the bargaining stage and won't help you. Anger, denial depression and bargaining can all happen at once and its overwhelming. You will eventually reach the acceptance stage of grief and feel better although it will always be horrible to look back on.

5 days is nothing. Practice lots of self care and talk to your family and close friends to help get you through. Or even the GP or professional therapist. Take care x

[quote Howmanydaysuntilfriday]@youvegottenminuteslynn

No one said anything about losing weight? Healthy body, healthy mind. Try it [/quote]
Don't be so disingenuous - you know full well that the 'revenge body' concept is largely about losing weight after a break up. Silly to suggest otherwise. It's a concept firmly rooted in misogyny, which is why it's damaging to women.

Oh and nice and healthy here already, thanks

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Have you always been controlling ? Your seriously telling me what I meant. I know what I meant and have said so.

[quote Howmanydaysuntilfriday]@youvegottenminuteslynn
Have you always been controlling ? Your seriously telling me what I meant. I know what I meant and have said so. [/quote]
Not controlling, just a feminist who isn't a fan of misogynist concepts and thinks women are worth more than just their appearance. I hope at some point you can get a more healthy perspective on the 'revenge body' and understand why it's a misogynist concept. Peace ✌🏻

Revenge Body ? Is that still a thing ?

It's not a game show. It's not, 'look what you could have had.'

Losing weight to try and impress a cheating partner/ex-partner ?

Nope.

Losing weight to try and put the OW in the shade ?

Again. Nope.

Lose weight because you feel like it when you are ready. Ok.

You manage by self care first, eat, hydrate, exercise, do things you love.

I journaled, I scored the days out of ten and slowly the numbers went up. I walked, I screamed, I listened to music.

Slowly it gets better.

I sought help from those who’d walked my path. I read so many books and watched videos. Surviving infidelity is superb, wonderful posters. Affair recovery and the Linda and Doug site are good.

You lean heavily on those who love you and you don’t try to bottle it up.

I see your husband is regretful. Don’t trust a word of what he says. He is so far from his moral centre atm he’s probably desperate to play damage control, minimise and blameshift.

Your emotional safety is paramount, don’t let him in.

I’m not saying he can’t be a better man, but he’s most definitely not the one you thought you knew right now.

Try to avoid the absolutes and generalisations. Take the advice that resonated for you and your marriage. I’m reconciled, not bitter, very happy and I trust my husband. Others are not. Our individual stories are not your story.

You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Things will clear with time. This could be a deal breaker for you, it might not. Right now just surviving day to day and not letting your own demons (I’ve read your thread) win is the most important.

I’m just so so sorry he has betrayed your love. You did not deserve this.

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Very controlling. To reiterate 'No one said anything about losing weight? Healthy body, healthy mind. Try it' that means be healthy. Hope you understand now

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Revenge Body ? Is that still a thing ?

It's not a game show. It's not, 'look what you could have had.'

Losing weight to try and impress a cheating partner/ex-partner ?

Nope.

Losing weight to try and put the OW in the shade ?

Again. Nope.

Lose weight because you feel like it when you are ready. Ok.

To reiterate

No one said anything about losing weight? Healthy body, healthy mind.

My heart goes out to you OP.

I found out about my ex husbands affair last April. We were married for 31 years, and I’m still tormented by it today BUT it is getting easier and I’m getting stronger.

It’s difficult, and no one can know how long you will grieve for, you just have to take one minute at a time, then one hour, then a day and so on.
The other morning, I woke up and it hit me again, that my husband isn’t here, he is with someone else, and I missed him all over again, and I had a bad few days, but I’m fine now. I still think of him every day, and unfortunately, dream of him when I go to sleep. I am thankful though that I am almost a year down the line, and I remember those horrible first few months.

It might something you never get over, you just learn to deal with it. People will say don’t think about them, but it’s hard, and everyone is different.

You will find yourself wishing it was a months time, 6 months time, a years time, so you aren’t grieving as much. Those days will come but you just have to deal with the pain, and it’s horrible, really really horrible.
You just want someone or something to take the pain away, and I’m afraid it is that old saying about time being a healer.

I wish there was something I could say to you to make things easier, or to give you a bit of hope about when things will feel better for you but i can’t.

Have you decided to stay with your husband or have you split up? I am sending you massive hugs, as I truly understand how you feel and know what your going through x

It's interesting the talk of revenge body I have barely eaten and I can already feel a compulsion to continue and I'm sure that's all to do with the obliteration of my self image and esteem

Been to 4th meeting in a row tonight - just trying to put myself in the middle of the life boat as they say in aa

I had a period of feeling empowered and kick ass this morning

I almost don't want to admit it as I know it won't be considered wise but I am finding myself looking to him for comfort - his remorse seems genuine and there's no blaming or justification and he's taken some steps of action that encourage me

But it's fucked up that the one that harmed me I'm looking to for soothing

I do feel I hold some power in a way that I wouldn't had he wanted to be with her and leave me

But it just doesn't change the devastating betrayal

Yesterday was so bad I was having thoughts of self harm and feeling I was really losing it

@ettiespaghetti

It's interesting the talk of revenge body I have barely eaten and I can already feel a compulsion to continue and I'm sure that's all to do with the obliteration of my self image and esteem

Been to 4th meeting in a row tonight - just trying to put myself in the middle of the life boat as they say in aa

I had a period of feeling empowered and kick ass this morning

I almost don't want to admit it as I know it won't be considered wise but I am finding myself looking to him for comfort - his remorse seems genuine and there's no blaming or justification and he's taken some steps of action that encourage me

But it's fucked up that the one that harmed me I'm looking to for soothing

I do feel I hold some power in a way that I wouldn't had he wanted to be with her and leave me

But it just doesn't change the devastating betrayal

Yesterday was so bad I was having thoughts of self harm and feeling I was really losing it

OP honestly not being able to eat in a situation like this is very normal but you must try and eat something, even if you have to make it into a smoothie. When I said revenge body I honestly meant in the sense of getting your body in shape and your mind will follow, not about loosing weight and all the silly things as other poster believes I meant by it.

Again looking for comfort from him ISNT unusual it's almost like getting closure or wanting to forgive him so you don't have to feel this pain anymore. You have to do what's best for you and honestly while you feel like this any decision maybe clouded. Take some time, get your thoughts together, time is a wonderful healer and will allow you to have a better perspective of the situation.

In regards to the self half, you have to speak to the GP or the Samaritans right away. Don't delay, you have every right and reason to feel the way you do but it's a temporary feeling where as self harming can become permanent. You are strong OP, don't let him do this to you. I know at the moment it doesn't feel like things will get better but honestly they will whatever happens

Well done on the meetings
Super woman x
Agree is the urge to self harm occurs see a gp