Have to leave kids

[havetoleave]

I want to leave my husband. I can’t be in the same house with him anymore. But I can’t leave the DC and he will never go himself and I can’t make him. What do I do? It kills me but I feel like I have to go right now. But that means I’ll have to leave them.

Are you safe? Are the kids safe? If so, stay - and start to make a proper exit plan. Can you tell us a bit more. You sound very upset

Thanks yeah we're safe he just hates me. He's had a lot of trauma and lost his whole family in the past years and I can't seem to help and he's not even going out anymore. I'm just getting all the pain aimed at me. I have covid right now and a poorly DS. He's fighting with me because I'm not a good enough or supportive enough wife.

Don't abandon your children. The impact of that would be lifelong.

I don't want to. But practically, what does one do. I can't make him leave. I feel sick and sad all day every day.

Make a plan, see a solicitor and get the process started. That's what you do.

It's hard OP, it really is. Perhaps if you told us a bit about your housing situation and the ages of the children we would be able to offer ideas to allow you to separate from him. Do you work?

How old are the DC? Can't you take them with you?

if you tell us a bit more about the situation, posters can give more helpful advice.

Please do not walk away from your DC, it will have a really traumatic effect on them. My son's birth mum walked out when he was 3 and it's affected his self esteem, confidence and security all his life (he's mid 20s now and still affected.)

Try to breath @havetoleave , and calm down. I know you’re in a anxiety spiral now, I wouldn’t make any major decisions in that state.

You need help, it’s obvious youre in distress. Reach out for the right support before leaving anyone.

It’s going to be ok, there’s help available to get you though this 💐

Doesn't help me right now though does it? I feel sick and anxious and I want to curl up in a ball. I feel ill just hearing his voice. How can I be in the same room, the same bed?

Do you own your house? How old
are the dc? If you own your house you need to instigate divorce (legal proceedings to separate if not married) the court will force the sale if you cannot amicably agree. Who the kids live with depends partly on age, if younger mediators can help you decide what's best, if older then the dccsn choose if no mitigating circumstances.

Sitting down with a mediator before you proceed might be very helpful, if you can avoid solicitors it saves a lot of money

Am I in the wrong though? He's been through a lot and I haven't always behaved amazingly. Mainly because I miss having a proper relationship when he's not really in the right place for one and I've vented my frustration badly.

Can you get an emergency appointment with the doctor to get something for your anxiety? Just for now, and to help you get through the next couple of months?

Kids are 3 and 7. Own house and I work FT.

Are you or your children in an immediate danger?

Are you in England?

Whats you’re living situation (house, flat, rented, owned?)

How old are your children?

Do you work?

Can you rent somewhere and take them with you whilst you look at divorce

@havetoleave

Am I in the wrong though? He's been through a lot and I haven't always behaved amazingly. Mainly because I miss having a proper relationship when he's not really in the right place for one and I've vented my frustration badly.

You are not a support human or a rehabilitation centre for him. If you need to end it, you end it, but you don't have to leave the children. There is a way out where you get freedom and your children. I know you're ill right now. Everything feels too much, but you will be able to find a third way when you're not as stressed and ill.

No, I agree nothing helps you right now in this moment but starting to get a plan together can make things more bearable.

You are not wrong to want to end the relationship and no-one is a saint, most of us have a point at which we can take no more and react in a way that we are less proud of. You are human .

Of course it’s ok to vent and you’re not wrong for doing so.

But it’s best to be in a optimal state of mind to deal with such situation. It will help you find a best solution for your AND your children.

Can you contact your GP first thing tomorrow to help you deal with anxiety?

Does your husband know how you feel?

Can you sleep in the sofa if there’s no other option tonight?

Can you afford a solicitor?

Why couldn't you take the kids with you?

Is your husband a SAH dad then or do you use childcare?

Can you make up a bed in another room?
Have you read up about abuse - might he fit the definition?
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/What-is-abuse

I don't want to disrupt the children and the youngest has chickenpox. I can't face going to my parents. Though they are aware of the difficulties we're having. I don't think he cares how I'm feeling really.

I've cried so much lately and he tells me to shut up and I'm having a pity party. Nothing I feel can match up to his misery.

If you can afford time to start looking for houses. If you have parents near by please go. Take your kids though. Xx

He's going to inherit some money but this hasn't come through yet. If I start divorce now will I be doing my kids out of their inheritance?