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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have to leave kids

55 replies

havetoleave · 07/04/2022 17:19

I want to leave my husband. I can’t be in the same house with him anymore. But I can’t leave the DC and he will never go himself and I can’t make him. What do I do? It kills me but I feel like I have to go right now. But that means I’ll have to leave them.

OP posts:
Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 07/04/2022 18:16

Right now, go for a walk and call your parents. Tell them your H has been being horrible to you and have decided you need to leave him. Can you make a plan to go to them this weekend? Just for the weekend. Take the kids if you can but if not and they are safe that’s ok too. You’re not moving out, you’re going to your parents’ place for a couple of days. Then start making a medium term and long term plan. Medium term plan, get more distance from your H while living in the same house, go and see a solicitor and what divorce will look like in your circumstances, if you have the money to rent a small place do that. Then tell your H you want a divorce and move out. Don’t leave the kids. Suggest a workable childcare split and start doing it immediately. 50/50 perhaps if he’s capable of looking after them. Less if he neglects them on his watch. Ignore any suggestion that you should have less than 50/50 contact. If there’s no money to rent a place you’ll have to sell the house first. In that case, you need your own room to sleep in even if it means sharing with your 3 year old or putting the kids in together temporarily.
If you’re scared your H will hurt you (physically, financially, emotionally) then call women’s aid for advice before you tell him anything.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 07/04/2022 18:18

Does it matter about the inheritance? There’s no guarantee any of it would ever reach your kids even if you stay together. Your H might just spend it.

newyearsresolurion · 07/04/2022 18:18

You can separate first then divorce.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 07/04/2022 18:18

You need to stop thinking about money and inheritance and start thinking about mental health and well-being which is far more important.

Don’t leave your kids, my mum left me and we’ve never repaired our relationship..I am now non contact with her.

Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 18:24

Thanks for all your advice. I am taking it all in. I don't know why it's got so bad. We used to be happy

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 07/04/2022 18:30

However awful it will feel talking to your parents is nothing to what a 7 year old will feel when mummy leaves.
Take time, make plans you will be able to live with because leaving your children will not be an easy ride.

Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 18:39

I don't want to leave them but it's not fair to make them leave their home. They've been through enough.

OP posts:
MissMaple82 · 07/04/2022 18:43

Could you amd through kids go stay with family? Are you working ? Could you rent a house?

thisisscary · 07/04/2022 18:46

@havetoleave

I've cried so much lately and he tells me to shut up and I'm having a pity party. Nothing I feel can match up to his misery.
OP does he often speak to you like this? That's belittling and quite abusive. There are a few red flags in what you're saying to be honest, sorry if I've misinterpreted but how does he treat you in general?

You're right, it's not fair that your kids would have to leave their home, but it's less fair for them to lose their mum, surely? Unfortunately you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs and it's better for them to not lose their mum. You can't replace love.

How is DP's relationship with the kids? What's their lived experience like? Who's the primary carer?

In terms of calming down right now, can you step outside into the garden for a bit and get your head sorted?

tsmainsqueeze · 07/04/2022 18:52

They will be a lot worse of without their mother than the changes experienced with a new home.
You could cause them so much damage that will cloud them all their lives.
Don't leave them they need you .

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 07/04/2022 18:55

Do you for one second think your partners mental health wouldn’t affect the children if they stayed with him? You are his verbal punching bag currently, with you gone it’ll be them.
If you leave them in that situation then you are a very selfish person.

WonderfulYou · 07/04/2022 19:00

Do you own the house 50/50?
Where would you go if you left?

It’s absolutely fine for you to leave but you just need to make a plan first.
You need to think about where you’re going to live, how you’re going to see the children etc.

Yes of course it’s going to be upsetting and disruptive for the DCs but so would their days moving out.

If he’s not a nasty person I would just have a conversation with him and explain that you need to separate but you want as least disruption for the children as possible - you would like him to move out but if he refuses then you will move out and he’ll have to sort the day to day stuff out whilst you see them on the weekends.

WonderfulYou · 07/04/2022 19:02

I’m assuming he’s a great dad?

Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 19:07

I don't think his MH is good. He was diagnosed with ptsd. He's on ADs but probably needs a higher dose. Not that he'll listen if I say that. I want to be supportive but I don't even understand what he wants from me and why he wants anything from me as he seems to hate me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 19:10

He's talking to me again for now and seems repentant. But equally thinks I should be apologising to him. Saying we need a night out together. Will see how long this lasts. Just know it won't.

OP posts:
RaspberryChouxBuns · 07/04/2022 19:11

My cousin (in law?) did this. She couldn't live with her husband anymore, luckily she has a good job and was able to find a place to rent straight away. Kids (3 DC) still live in marital home to minimise disruption but can go to hers whenever they want. Ex husband still in marital home until youngest who is about 10 goes to university. She must have made this decision a while before leaving though because it was seamless. I'm not sure if the kids "resent" her, I'm sure there's upset and anger but the two eldest, 18 and 19, are old enough to understand what she has explained to them. When they get older they will understand the need for love and peace.

Wishing you well OP. If your son is safe you do what you need to do. It sounds very upsetting.

ThreeLocusts · 07/04/2022 19:41

So sorry this is happening. If you do leave the kids you still need to make a plan how to stay in their lives. I suspect taking things more slowly and working out how to keep them will be worth it. But only you know what you can and can't do.

Can you go for a walk? Just being in fresh air and putting one foot in front of the other sometimes works wonders.

FlissyPaps · 07/04/2022 19:45

Sorry you’re feeling this way OP Flowers

He doesn’t seem like a very nice person IMO. Is it since his MH issues have developed he’s been like this towards you?

Please reach out and tell your parents or a trusted friend how you are feeling and for support. I would even speak to a GP as you don’t seem in a good headspace either.

You need support, you obviously won’t get it from your DH right now, but you need to rationally look at your available options regarding leaving the relationship and what is best for you and your DC.

Theunamedcat · 07/04/2022 19:48

OK so true story time my nan left her children she had to it was the law back then she thought they would be ok because he hated her not them who do you think he turned on when she was gone? The kids. leaving creates a vacancy how long till he tells them they arnt good enough

Take your kids

WonderfulYou · 07/04/2022 20:07

It’s fine for a women to leave an unhappy home.
It’s a very misogynistic view that a women should stay and suffer ‘because of the children’ but men are fine to leave without any issues.

However you should not leave due to this:

I don't think his MH is good. He was diagnosed with ptsd. He's on ADs but probably needs a higher dose.

The children should not be left under these circumstances so you either need to leave will them or he needs to leave.

Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 20:09

Thanks everyone. He's up and down to be honest, he's had MH issues for years really. I always am in the firing line. He'd never be like this to the kids. I'm any case I'm not leaving them, no way. I'm going to bide my time and make plans as advised. In the meantime I'll go to GP. Just not sure what to say to GP?

OP posts:
Original poster
havetoleave · 07/04/2022 20:13

I just feel like it's unfair and I'm trapped. I can't physically make him leave and me leaving with or without the kids is the only option but both are really hard. So I'm stuck in this stressful situation when I just need some peace and solitude. I can't ask him to go he will take it as a conflict and I can't face a row. So I just have to stay, act nice and behave. And hope for the best.

OP posts:
st1cky · 07/04/2022 20:18

OP you could research occupation orders and speak to a solicitor to get him out of the house. Would you say he is emotionally abusive? If so it may further your case.

You sound desperate. If you feel you're in an abusive relationship please call Women's Aid who can help with your options.

newyearsresolurion · 08/04/2022 06:44

'Stay and act nice' while your planning to leave. Am in the similar position still here but making plans to leave eventually as I've got no money atm. If you can afford to rent think about starting to look for houses. Talk to someone in real life so you're not alone. Definitely go to your parents for a few days like PPs have suggested.

Daffiy · 08/04/2022 07:22

Call women aid
Detail the abuse to them
Some Solicitors offer a free half hour you can ask advice on occupation orders etc which will give you about a year breathing room in the family home.
There are ways out of this.
I would also look at Counselling or seeing the GP, as up and leaving the kids with an abusive partner with mental health problems is generally not a normal reaction. Usually a protective instinct would kick in, but I don’t know whether he’s ground you down to the point where you feel they are better off without you.